Why do men go between women?

[j.man]

This is a 45 year old man and I expected him to be grown up, not go on like a sex crazed teenager. He played the game well and came across so honest and genuine, even the other lady said the same. She stopped seeing him over a month ago too but has confronted him about this, She told him he played the game well. He tried to deny sleeping with me/anyone else but she had seen my messages off him (I had kept the lot - no reason to delete them) which was all the proof she needed. She stopped seeing him as she too got the impression he was seeing others. Always go with your gut instinct! He is now calling me a psycho for finding out about the other women. He is trying to turn blame to make him look like the victim.

Yeah, well... doesn't sound too far off, at least from the details provided.

 

If you wanna talk about being a "grown up," I'd start with taking responsibility for yourself and employing some very basic situational awareness. You're no victim here, just someone who walked into a well marked minefield and is surprised to come out missing a leg. Plenty of strong-willed women here have given you some sound advice. Live by their example.

[anonymous18]

You were totally right about him! I think if you were consistently seeing him and he didn't have extended periods where he'd go dark, I wouldn't have been too concerned. Were you hoping this would turn into a relationship with him? I totally understand why you are disappointed with him. At the same time, FWB isn't the same guarantee of exclusivity as a serious bf/gf relationship.

 

No, I wasn't hoping for a relationship with him. I didn't click with him like that. I got into FWB as I thought what could go wrong when neither of us want a relationship so we aren't going to catch feelings. I was totally neutral about it all, he was good looking but not my type. I could take him or leave him. I just wanted what was offered by him, a loyal friend with benefits. He repeatedly said I was the only one, I was enough for him, no need for anyone else and wanted reassurance that he was the only one I was seeing too. He has said the exact same words to the other women he had on the go too. He is having to lie to get sex which is sad. There is plenty like minded women wanting just sex and leave but he seems to be getting kicks from messing the genuine ones around. Then calls us crazy/psychos when he is caught out.

 

On another note, I recently read an article about online dating and there were statistics on which demographics were most frequently messaged. For women, it was those who were under 25 and Asian. For men, it was 40-50 and white. So, this guy is in the peak age for most women to write to him. I was a bit surprised that it wasn't younger men, but I guess as women get older, they get more bolder and probably go ahead and message the 40 and 50 something guys more often. It sounds like this guy had more options than you knew about at first.

 

I think us women tend to think men will stop playing games when they reach 40, and want to settle down with one woman. I blame the dating sites for men going on the way they do these days, it is just too easy for them to find hook ups. I am sure women behave the same way too but I am only speaking of my experience with men.

[katrina1980]

I normally don't like labeling people (I am not a medical professional after all) but if what you have described about him is true -- lying, deceiving several women simultaneously for his own selfish purpose (sex) then he's a sociopath and possibly a sex addict, and I am sorry you had this experience.

 

That said, re not using protection, *you* were incredibly naive, almost beyond belief, to not use based on what this literal stranger "told" you about himself.

 

I realize we all like to be trusting, and we should to a certain extent until they show us otherwise, but for goodness sakes, it's not only naive, but just flat out stupid, to risk your health in the way that you did based on what this literal stranger told you about himself.

 

If you stick around here for awhile, you will learn that words mean jack shyt unless followed up by action. So what were his actions? Ghosting you time and time again and then circling back when either horny or dry?

 

Hello, did not his actions in this regard set off alarm bells? Apparently not, but ask yourself, why not?

 

Next time pay attention to a man's *actions* and be wary of "words" until his actions back up those words.

 

Also, and I don't mean to scare you more than you already are, but it's quite possible the reason he is not concerned about using protection himself, given his extreme sexual promiscuity, is because he has already contracted and carrying a serious std, the most serious one being HIV of course.

 

And *if* he is some sort of sociopath, which is only speculation at this point based on your description of him in my opinion, he simply doesn't give a **** about either the women he has sex with or passing the virus along to them, in this case you.

 

So, I am glad you have gotten tested and you should continue getting tested for the next six months.

 

I hope it all turns out okay, and please take this as a BIG lesson learned! Best of luck.

[anonymous18]

Yeah, well... doesn't sound too far off, at least from the details provided.

 

If you wanna talk about being a "grown up," I'd start with taking responsibility for yourself and employing some very basic situational awareness. You're no victim here, just someone who walked into a well marked minefield and is surprised to come out missing a leg. Plenty of strong-willed women here have given you some sound advice. Live by their example.

 

How do you get psycho from me finding out about these other women? I was contacted on social media by a friend of a friend who had been seeing this man the same time as me. She also knew of other women. She is the one who confronted him recently, he tried to deny it but she had already seen my messages off him. I have him blocked everywhere and had nothing to do with him for over one month.

[Wiseman2]

All you have to do is not be one of them. Who cares what everyone else is doing and at whatever age? Worry about what you do.

I blame the dating sites for men going on the way they do these days, it is just too easy for them to find hook ups.

[anonymous18]

I normally don't like labeling people (I am not a medical professional after all) but if what you have described about him is true -- lying, deceiving several women simultaneously for his own selfish purpose (sex) then he's a sociopath and possibly a sex addict, and I am sorry you had this experience.

 

That said, re not using protection, *you* were incredibly naive, almost beyond belief, to not use based on what this literal stranger "told" you about himself.

 

I realize we all like to be trusting, and we should to a certain extent until they show us otherwise, but for goodness sakes, it's not only naive, but just flat out stupid, to risk your health in the way that you did based on what this literal stranger told you about himself.

 

If you stick around here for awhile, you will learn that words mean jack shyt unless followed up by action. So what were his actions? Ghosting you time and time again and then circling back when either horny or dry?

 

Hello, did not his actions in this regard set off alarm bells? Apparently not, but ask yourself, why not?

 

Next time pay attention to a man's *actions* and be wary of "words" until his actions back up those words.

 

Also, and I don't mean to scare you more than you already are, but it's quite possible the reason he is not concerned about using protection himself, given his extreme sexual activity, is because he has already contracted and carrying a serious std, the most serious one being HIV of course.

 

And *if* he is some sort of sociopath, which is only speculation at this point based on your description of him in my opinion, he simply doesn't give a **** about either the women he has sex with or passing the virus along to them, in this case you.

 

So, I am glad you have gotten tested and you should continue getting tested for the next six months.

 

I hope it all turns out okay, and please take this as a BIG lesson learned! Best of luck.

 

He ghosted once before we had sex so I knew if/when we did have sex that there is a strong possibility he will do this again, he did but it wasn't straight after we had sex. It was when he was seeing his other offers I guess. This is what had me thinking there must be others on the scene. Yes it sent alarm bells when he was ghosting, there were a few red flags but I was not in it for a relationship, just FWB so I thought it would have no complications like this since neither of us wanted anything serious there was no chance of either of us catching feelings.

 

A few of my friends have spoken to this man on dating websites and have said he had narc traits. I noticed this too, he can be abusive, he twists things so it looks like you are at fault and he is the victim. All his ex's are crazy/psycho.

 

He is now claiming to others that he ended things with me and this other lady and we do not take rejection well, trying to make on he is wanted. I still have the texts from me to him to prove I ended it with him, it's in black and white. The other lady had the texts too. Is this narc or sociopath traits?

 

 

I haven't been hurt. I am only mad at myself for falling for it all and how he is trying to pass blame to excuse his behaviour.

[anonymous18]

All you have to do is not be one of them. Who cares what everyone else is doing and at whatever age? Worry about what you do.

 

I am not on dating sites. I didn't know this man was either as I had met him on an evening out at a quiet local pub. He said he had used them in the past but not for years, however he is addicted to them so this is where he is meeting all his other partners.

[Seraphim]

As I said I don’t think this is distinct to “ men.” I see many women of all ages pulling this crap.

[Seraphim]

What with an FWB could go wrong? Almost anything.

[anonymous18]

As I said I don’t think this is distinct to “ men.” I see many women of all ages pulling this crap.

 

As I said in my previous post, there will be women who behave the same way but I can only speak of my experience with men.

[katrina1980]

He ghosted once before we had sex so I knew if/when we did have sex that there is a strong possibility he will do this again, he did but it wasn't straight after we had sex. It was when he was seeing his other offers I guess. This is what had me thinking there must be others on the scene. Yes it sent alarm bells when he was ghosting, there were a few red flags but I was not in it for a relationship, just FWB so I thought it would have no complications like this since neither of us wanted anything serious there was no chance of either of us catching feelings.

 

A few of my friends have spoken to this man on dating websites and have said he had narc traits. I noticed this too, he can be abusive, he twists things so it looks like you are at fault and he is the victim. All his ex's are crazy/psycho.

 

He is now claiming to others that he ended things with me and this other lady and we do not take rejection well, trying to make on he is wanted. I still have the texts from me to him to prove I ended it with him, it's in black and white. The other lady had the texts too. Is this narc or sociopath traits?

 

I haven't been hurt. I am only mad at myself for falling for it all and how he is trying to pass blame to excuse his behaviour.

 

Ok I get you never developed "feelings" but you're still not addressing the real issue -- why you chose to risk your health by not using protection based on a bunch of meaningless drivel from a guy who you admittedly suspected was having sex with others.

 

I also hope you take seriously the fact he may have passed a serious std to you (HIV) and continue getting tested for the next six months.

 

You say you have not been hurt, you don't know that yet, because if unfortunately you have contracted the virus from him, then you will very much be hurt because that virus is deadly after it develops into AIDS.

[Seraphim]

As I said in my previous post, there will be women who behave the same way but I can only speak of my experience with men.

 

Still, not just a male issue and threads that target one gender or the other get closed.

[anonymous18]

Ok I get you never developed "feelings" but you're still not addressing the real issue -- why you chose to risk your health by not using protection based on a bunch of meaningless drivel from a guy who you admittedly suspected was having sex with others.

 

I also hope you take seriously the fact he may have passed a serious std to you (HIV) and continue getting tested for the next six months.

 

You say you have not been hurt, you don't know that yet, because if unfortunately you have contracted the virus from him, then you did very much get hurt because that virus is deadly after it develops into AIDS.

 

It was a mistake I regret. He is also a huge mistake in my life. I am usually very good at spotting these players but this one played a blinder.

 

 

I have been worried sick about what he could have passed to me, the sickly feeling has not gone away. I am worrying a lot. If he does have the virus and is knowingly passing it around then he is committing an offence. I always feel nauseous when I am worried so this is not a symptom. It came on instantly when I was told about his other partners.

[anonymous18]

Still, not just a male issue and threads that target one gender or the other get closed.

 

I am not saying it is a male issue. The thread is about him, my experience with him. I have no reason to bring women in to it. I agree there will be plenty women that go on like this but I am speaking of my experience with this man.

[MissCanuck]

So I shouldn't trust anyone at all? I should assume everything I am told is a lie? My gut instinct was right about this man all along but he made me believe I had trust issues. Passing blame to excuse his behaviour.

 

You definitely should not trust your health with a random dude you met in a bar within 4 weeks, no. Absolutely not.

 

It's not that you should never trust anyone. But you need to apply much better discretion. Trusting someone with your entire well-being when you have known them merely 28 days is not trust, but naivety and foolishness. I don't mean to be harsh, as I realize you now understand the gamble you've taken and have taken the only course of action you can in cutting him off and getting tested. I do, however, think you really need to revise your definition of trust and how it should be earned and given.

[figureitout23]

It was a mistake I regret. He is also a huge mistake in my life. I am usually very good at spotting these players but this one played a blinder.

 

 

 

I'm sorry but much like your denials of wanting a relationship the 'I usually know better' is simply not passing the sniff test. He love bombed you, promised you all kinds of things even though you two were f*ck buddies, he disappeared, even before you had sex! And you went in without a cap after a month.

 

You aren't a victim!!!!

 

You get checked and are very careful about your sexual health with BOYFRIENDS but not with a dude you knew a month you had a casual relationship with?!?

 

Now he's a narcissist? Take some ownership. I agree with jman, you're earning that title if you keep this up. It was casual sex, he lied and had more than one partner. Sh*tty but you barely knew him and people lie all the time.My radar went off just from your retelling of what he told you.

 

Dude has his own demons to face, that is neither here nor there and should be none of your concern.

 

learn your lesson and move on. All this other stuff, the analyzing, the amateur diagnosis, stop. Own your part. The only person you can control is you and you admittedly dropped the ball big time. We've all been there sometime you gotta take the L, dust your shoulders off and keep it moving. You didn't want to be with him anyway. Right?

[anonymous18]

He didn't love bomb me or promise me anything. And I most certainly did not want a relationship with this man.

 

He was playing the other women along to make them believe it was more than just sex. Talking about holidays and going out places with them when really all he was interested in was sex. This is why they ended it as well as suspecting he has others on the go. It was all false intentions to get what he wanted. The only reason he was honest with me about not wanting more than sex is because I had told him from the start that I wasn't interested in a relationship. And if I was he would not be the right one for me.

 

I got involved as friends with benefits with the understanding that he was not looking or going else where. He told me he had no reason to look as he didn't want anything more than sex and we had each other. I stupidly believed him.

 

If we knew he was sleeping with others we would not have got involved. He wouldn't have got his fix. So this man has had to lie to get sex from us. He could have went on the swingers site which he is a member of and met like minded women but I think he gets his enjoyment from messing genuine women around. Maybe it makes him feel wanted.

 

Why do people like him want a string of partners on the go? I know he's a sex addict but surely one partner can fulfil his needs.

[boltnrun]

Because women like you are willing to give it to him (unprotected).

 

I don't see how you came to the conclusion that he's a "sex addict". He likes to have sex with more than one partner. I like different foods; that doesn't make me a "food addict". A sex addict visits prostitutes, goes online and contacts multiple women for sex, their addiction interferes with their ability to hold on to a job, it takes over their lives. Has he missed work or gotten arrested for purchasing the services of a prostitute?

 

Besides all that, I wonder how he convinced you to go inside you bare. Did you even have a conversation regarding condoms or had you already decided you "trusted" him and decided to not even mention protection?

[anonymous18]

He is a man having sex with multiple partners. We aren't enough for him so he is still searching online and even a member of swingers website which is purely to meet for sex. I'm not quite sure how this can be compared to liking different foods. I would bet this man would pay for prostitutes if it wasn't so easy for him to get sex off dating sites.

 

When I spoke to him over text the conversation was always sex. I could not have a normal conversation with him without it turning to sex instantly. My friends he had spoke to on dating sites and these women he has been sleeping with at the same time as me all said he talks about sex constantly too. So he was not just like that with me. It was a bit off putting and I did pull him up on this a few times but he seemed to think it was normal to talk about it constantly. He always requested and sent nude photos too. This to me is a man that is addicted to sex and he doesn't seem to mind where he gets it from.

[boltnrun]

He is a man having sex with multiple partners. We aren't enough for him so he is still searching online and even a member of swingers website which is purely to meet for sex. I'm not quite sure how this can be compared to liking different foods. I would bet this man would pay for prostitutes if it wasn't so easy for him to get sex off dating sites.

 

When I spoke to him over text the conversation was always sex. I could not have a normal conversation with him without it turning to sex instantly. My friends he had spoke to on dating sites and these women he has been sleeping with at the same time as me all said he talks about sex constantly too. So he was not just like that with me. It was a bit off putting and I did pull him up on this a few times but he seemed to think it was normal to talk about it constantly. He always requested and sent nude photos too. This to me is a man that is addicted to sex and he doesn't seem to mind where he gets it from.

 

How soon after you met him did he start all this excessive sexual behavior?

[anonymous18]

When I met him I had no idea that I would end up sleeping with him, I thought it would be friendship (without sex) if anything but I knew right away that he was not relationship material for me.

 

We had a friendly conversation over a week or two, a few innuendos and he then spoke about wanting a loyal FWB. Then came the nude photos. I was shocked but not offended. Then it was the constant sex talk and photos/videos. Once he has spoke about sex it seems there's no getting any normal conversation from him again. I tried a few times to ask serious questions and he just replied with sexual references.

 

He always watched porn and videoed himself to send to me and the other ladies. I honestly think he's a sex addict. It's not normal to speak about sex as much as he did.

[boltnrun]

And yet you still thought you could "trust" him? And even after all that, you thought letting him go in bare was smart?

 

I know this has already been hashed to death, but I have to wonder if you were actually afraid of "scaring him off" or offending him if you asked him to wear a condom.

 

You didn't answer my questions previously...was there even a conversation about protection? Were the words "Please wear a condom" ever spoken by you?

[anonymous18]

When did I say it was smart? I have said I had made a mistake and he is a big mistake too. I can't change what has happened but I can learn from it. I'll never be too trusting again.

 

We never spoke about protection. What did surprise me was after our first time he asked if I'm on birth control. I said it was a bit late for him to worry about that but yes I am. He replied that he has had the snip. I mentioned this to the other lady recently and she said he hasn't had the snip but she was unable to have any more children. She is another that slept with him without protection but has been tested and awaiting results too.

[boltnrun]

Hm, so he was only worried about possibly impregnating someone, not about any diseases he could contract or pass around.

 

Yikes.

[anonymous18]

He was only worried after, when it could have been too late. I'm not sure if he has had the snip or not. He told me he had but told the other woman that he was too scared to get it done.

 

I can't imagine this man going for regular tests at the clinic, he would use protection if he was that bothered about catching something. He probably rely on women getting tested first and have them let him know if he's passed anything on. He is at high risk of catching or passing on anything.