Out of the blue breakup

[Starlight925]

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. When did you breakup? Hope you are doing well!

 

Thanks a lot for your kind words. I know you are right, but my heart still hurts. I would totally understand if he would breakup with me over something we've already tried to fix, however, he walked away before we tried anything. I totally agree I should have handled things differently, I just don't understand I can't get the chance to work on it. I would have never done that to him :)

 

You didn't get the chance to work on it, because there was nothing to work on. A partner who wants to be with you and truly loves you will work with you on things, not make you guess at what you need to work on. They will let you know what they are thinking, and how you can both work together to make the relationship work. Unfortunately, in your situation (as in mine), the guy either fell out of love, or didn't have enough love to sustain.

 

As for your question about my breakup, it was 6 years ago. Yes, I've moved on, and no, I don't pine for him anymore. Honestly, it took a year. I didn't sit home and cry for a year straight, but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that there were some very hard days, some enormous amounts of crying, and some visits to a therapist. He left me in January 2012, so it was a *nice* start to the new year, cough. The year went on, and at Christmas, when I was totally alone (yes, almost 12 months later), I completely broke down and became extremely depressed, awful. However, when the calendar clicked over to January again, it was like the sun came out. You'll get there.

[Lambert]

The fact that he was critical of you and expected you to change, indicates a lack of compatibility.

 

furthermore... his inability to communicate any of this to you, let's you know his own limitations in a relationship.

 

it is unfair and selfish to let a loved one continue to let you down & not give them an opportunity to fix or whatever.

 

And that choice is on them. Not you. I don't think there is anything you could have done. honestly... you deserve better. And you will find him.

 

Try to keep moving forward in your healing. You may find in the future, you naturally come back together in some unforeseen way. But you have no control over that. you both have some growing to do in different capacities. focus on yours....

[boltnrun]

The fact that he wasn't willing to "solve it" in itself shows incompatibility. After all, if you two were compatible he would have approached you to work it out instead of choosing to leave.

 

That's the thing with these breakups; almost always the broken up with party doesn't see the issues as relationship-breakers while the one doing the breaking up does. And working things out requires both parties to be willing, not just one.

 

I do understand, believe me. It's painful. But I promise, if you DECIDE you want to feel better you will be able to get past this with time. It's usually those who choose not to let go that have a more difficult time. But you come across as pretty level-headed, so I'm confident you will be able to move forward with some time.

[Sunn]

Thanks again, all. You are all very helpful and it's really good to talk about this!

 

Yes, it is really hard, but I think you all know how it feels :). Besides this problem, I feel we actually were compatible. Same dreams for the future, same interests, same humor.. Like I said, I thought we were doing well, I just tried to deal with my work problems. I wish I'd known about his frustrations, I would have done anything in the world to make him feel better, to improve myself. As the breakup opened my eyes, I understand there are things I should change about myself and to become happy with myself. I was kind of blindsided by the stress and he was so helpful.. No pulling back or anything. Anyway, as I know I should change some things I'm seeing a therapist to work on those issues - so I hope in the end it won't be all for nothing! But it really feels like he throwed me out of his life out of nowhere, without any doubts (I assume).

[Lambert]

Thanks again, all. You are all very helpful and it's really good to talk about this!

 

Yes, it is really hard, but I think you all know how it feels :). Besides this problem, I feel we actually were compatible. Same dreams for the future, same interests, same humor.. Like I said, I thought we were doing well, I just tried to deal with my work problems. I wish I'd known about his frustrations, I would have done anything in the world to make him feel better, to improve myself. As the breakup opened my eyes, I understand there are things I should change about myself and to become happy with myself. I was kind of blindsided by the stress and he was so helpful.. No pulling back or anything. Anyway, as I know I should change some things I'm seeing a therapist to work on those issues - so I hope in the end it won't be all for nothing! But it really feels like he throwed me out of his life out of nowhere, without any doubts (I assume).

I know.... it hurts and shakes your self confidence. you have to heal and grow from this. and be open to happiness from other sources.

 

feel the detachment... eventually you will prefer detachment from him over the hurt. you will look to new and better things.

 

it actually feels so much better. I'm 7 mos ahead or so of you. and it's been better in the last weeks. i don't cry. i may think of him but I'm able to come back to now. and like it. and smile. and actually mean to be happy and smile with others.

 

Be relieved... you can move on in your own way and find better

[11moreweeks]

The fact that he wasn't willing to "solve it" in itself shows incompatibility. After all, if you two were compatible he would have approached you to work it out instead of choosing to leave.

 

That's the thing with these breakups; almost always the broken up with party doesn't see the issues as relationship-breakers while the one doing the breaking up does. And working things out requires both parties to be willing, not just one.

 

I think that is somewhat dishonest. Some people are extremely avoidant and don't talk about anything that bothers them, and some are just avoidant enough for it to destroy a relationship. Communication requires a very conscious effort, and often times, the party with concerns will refuse to voice them.

 

Some people cement their concerns in a relationship as aspectual to the relationship, when the reality can often times be that these concerns are very fixable and the partner is malleable. They then convince themselves of incompatibility as a consequence of simply not communicating and making assumptions over what would come, which in-turn further deters them from trying to communicate. They basically play their self in that situation.

[Sunn]

Yes, that is exactly what is was thinking. It does seem like he was so convinced by his idea that I couldnt change, that he didn't see any reason for him to discuss it with me, instead waited until things got better (which didn't as I didn't know his frustrations), and decided he couldnt live with that. He bottled up his feelings. It's so frustrating. And it hurts so much he can cut me out of his life so easily and sudden.

[Starlight925]

Having been through this exact same thing, I realized it wasn't dishonesty on his part, or an unwillingness to work it out with me.

 

It was simply his lack of desire. That's all it was. In my case, he just. didn't. want. to.

 

I suspect it's the same in your situation. He just doesn't want to.

 

I analyzed it 3000 different ways, and bottom line, he just didn't wanna. I have a feeling your situation is the same, very simple.

 

So sad, and I'm so sorry, this hurts so much, and we want answers so badly, don't we.

[Sunn]

It is, LHGirl. Because I'm afraid that makes the whole holiday a lie. :(

[Starlight925]

It is, LHGirl. Because I'm afraid that makes the whole holiday a lie. :(

 

We too, had recently come back from a "fabulous" vacation where we had a "wonderful" time. I felt the same way.

[Sunn]

It indeed sounds exactly the same! Did he also tell you he could not believe you can change? And no signs from him before the holiday? I read it was 6 years ago already, did you ever speak to him again?

 

So as I understand, the whole 'I don't believe you can change, it is your character', is a lie too? He was never willing to discuss anything?

[Starlight925]

It indeed sounds exactly the same! Did he also tell you he could not believe you can change? And no signs from him before the holiday? I read it was 6 years ago already, did you ever speak to him again?

 

So as I understand, the whole 'I don't believe you can change, it is your character', is a lie too? He was never willing to discuss anything?

 

No, I literally never spoke to him again. I confess to looking him up a few years ago: he got married to someone else. I could tell you all the things she is or is not, but that's not relevant. He just didn't want to be with me.

 

Don't change for anyone. You could do cartwheels for this guy, and it still wouldn't be right. Now is the time to take stock of your life, your friends, work, hobbies, whatever makes you happy. When you find the right guy, he'll love you as is.

[Sunn]

Yes, but I agree with him I didn't handle some situations very well. And I understand where his "you can't change, it's your character" comes from as I showed this behavior during our whole relationship every now and then (and after I discussed it with family and friends it's something I did my whole life). I know it sounds odd, I just didn't realize the effects of my behavior on him and our relationship, as we/he never talked about it. I really wish he did, as I understand his frustrations - but at the same this it really frustrates me he doesn't believe it.

 

So I agree is must change/improve this. At least for myself, my own happiness and (future) relationships.

[Wiseman2]

What were these changes? He's both right and wrong. If it's a habit or something you do for example, forget to text if you're late, then that is worth discussing. People can change certain habits, make certain compromises, improve certain things, etc..

 

However if it's a fundamental thing such as your personality, emotional structure, etc. he's right that won't change nor should he expect it to. It means you are not compatible on a basic level.

 

Having common interests ( ie likes travel, video games, etc.) or vague goals ( ie want to have kids one day) is something two random people on the street might have or friends might have.. Therefore it has nothing to do with fundamental personality conflicts.

Yes, that is exactly what is was thinking. It does seem like he was so convinced by his idea that I couldnt change, that he didn't see any reason for him to discuss it with me, instead waited until things got better (which didn't as I didn't know his frustrations), and decided he couldnt live with that. He bottled up his feelings. It's so frustrating. And it hurts so much he can cut me out of his life so easily and sudden.

[Sunn]

I'll try to explain - but probably your conclusion will be we were incompatible then ;)

 

To put it mildly, I always have been very, very hard on myself, the bar is extremely high (and yes, he and you are right, that is my character). Recently some things have happened that didn't meet my own standards. I really struggled a lot with myself and I didn't realize the impact on my partner (I know it sounds odd.. Of course he knew I wasn't happy). He was always very helpful, cuddled me when I was sad, etc. but then broke up with me. Im afraid it stressed him out (in combination with his new job, and because he didn't say anything it was really completely out of the blue for me, I thought we were ok). So, the cliche is true: the breakup opened my eyes, obviously made it even worse and I decided to look for help. My therapist thinks I have been overstrained for half a year already. She made me realize my own behavior, and I'm working on it (and I think removing that bar will make me so much more happy!). Please note: I absolutely wasn't down all the time! We still did nice things together and I was happy during our holiday.

 

So yes, it is my character, but I also think we both were not aware of what was happening. I still think I can improve myself to become more mild, and prevent this in the future. So the focus is on myself, I just really feel like this wasn't necessary and that makes it difficult and makes me miss him.

[MissCanuck]

What happened that didn't meet your standards, and how did you react?

[Sunn]

A lot of stress at my work (had the feeling I couldn't cope with it), didn't get promotion, reorganization, lost my job. I became emotional, he had the idea he couldn't help me.

[MissCanuck]

A lot of stress at my work (had the feeling I couldn't cope with it), didn't get promotion, reorganization, lost my job. I became emotional, he had the idea he couldn't help me.

 

And what happens when you get emotional? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but I'm just trying to get a sense of what he is referring to when he says he couldn't cope with it.

[Sunn]

No worries, really appreciate your help :) But it was crying, I felt helpless.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, it sounds like although he cared things just fell apart.

No worries, really appreciate your help :) But it was crying, I felt helpless.

[Sunn]

Yes, probably. Sometimes I'm really mad at myself; that I let it go that far. However, I when he broke up I was SO confused and shocked, I really didn't see it coming. I mean, he could have just give me a sign..

[Lambert]

Yes, probably. Sometimes I'm really mad at myself; that I let it go that far. However, I when he broke up I was SO confused and shocked, I really didn't see it coming. I mean, he could have just give me a sign..

i hear you! hang in there. there's better connections to be made.....

[MissCanuck]

No worries, really appreciate your help :) But it was crying, I felt helpless.

 

He couldn't cope with you crying from stress? How often were you crying?

[Annia]

I'm so sorry you're going through this I've also been through a "blind sided" break up years ago and also had the same "was it all a lie?" feelings. What I came to realise is that many times the dumper is already processing and getting ready for the break up while he's still with you and it's not uncommon for them to get especially romantic in the last days/weeks before the break up as a way of trying one last time/trying to get the spark back/cope with their guilt.

 

That's why it all seems so blind sided and our of the blue for the dumped and it looks like the dumped is just over it. He had time to prepare and deal with the break up while still in the relationship and you didn't.

 

What shows incompatibility is that he didn't communicate his feelings with you and selfishly kept it to himself while detaching emotionally from you.

 

I think it's normal for the pain to last for a while and it's even worst because you don't understand the breakup and our brains tend to overanalyze because they can't cope with not understanding. The thing is that sometimes there's nothing to understand, it just is.

 

It's amazing that you're on therapy. It's a great step. Just don't do it in the hopes of showing him you changed. Do it for yourself and to move on. If he wants to get back he knows how to reach out to you and you'll be in a much better position to decide.

 

Another thing that helps is hanging out with people (but don't overdo it by talking about the break up to them all the time). I also don't particularly agree with the "keep busy" by it self. It helps much more "keeping busy" but with a purpose, like a goal or something non related to the relationship that will improve your life/yourself.

 

And last but not least and the most difficult... no contact and no social media snooping.

 

It does get better, I promise.

[Sunn]

He couldn't cope with you crying from stress? How often were you crying?

 

Ehm, I would say 2-3 times per week? But not every week. And I often talked about my doubts and that I didn't know what to do. He said he often tought about me at his job, couldn't concentrate as he knew I wasn't happy. I'm afraid it became too much in combination with his own stress from the new job, and that he was afraid how I would handle 'more serious' problems in life. And I agree to that, it's just that I struggled so much I really wasn't aware of my behavior.

 

Thank you, Annia!