Out of the blue breakup

[Wiseman2]

It does seem there were a few warning signs. He was unhappy and you were aware of that. Have you considered that he was thinking about this for some time and this was the final straw?

 

Perhaps he too hoped things would work out and your moods would stabilize, but perhaps to him things got worse with the crying, being inconsolable, losing your job, taking about fears, worries and doubts too much, etc.

 

To be honest, no one wants to be a therapist and most any partner hopes you'll be happy and work things out. So it is excellent that you have sought out therapy. Perhaps get a full physical workup/checkup as well. Do mood disorders or substance use run in your family? Could there be a biological cause to the weeping/sadness?

I often talked about my doubts and that I didn't know what to do. he knew I wasn't happy. he was afraid how I would handle 'more serious' problems in life.

[Sunn]

Thanks for your help Wiseman! I really wasn't aware of the fact he was unhappy. If I would have been, I would have done everything to make him happy. He really, really meant a lot to me.

I realize he was thinking about it for a while already, but I still don't understand why he didn't talk about it, but just assumed I couldn't change. Mood disorders do not run in the family, but looking back I realize I have been in a negative spiral for a while already. As I wrote, I was really struggling with myself, but really willing to sort things out!

[boltnrun]

I don’t mean this to sound facetious, but maybe he thought if he said something you'd start crying. And he just didn't want to deal with it.

[Sunn]

That's interesting boltnrun. Does that make it all my own fault? Didn't he realize that bottling up his feelings would make it all worse?

[boltnrun]

He just didn't want to continue. Placing blame or "fault" doesn't help. But I'm sure you now know there can be a happy medium between expressing and being overwhelmed by ALL your feelings and not sharing any of them. You two have different methods. Like it was said before...incompatibility.

[Wiseman2]

He wasn't "bottling up his feelings" that is therapy-rap. He was taking a wait and see approach and trying not to make matters worse with what you presented and a fragile situation about to unhinge.

 

Besides you presented yourself as unhappy, crying and inconsolable. Why would he add to that stress? If you wanted to pull it together sooner rather than later, you would have. It's not about "whose fault" It's about just not working out long term due to the emotional composition of both parties.

Didn't he realize that bottling up his feelings would make it all worse?

[Metaltwin70]

'Unfortunately, it sounds like although he cared things just fell apart'

 

OP, to me, it sounds like although he cared he didn't quite care enough.

 

You had a horrific time at work, understandably was stressed, depressed and tearful as a result... combined with his own new job stress, this was his excuse for leaving? Nope, don't buy it. Two people who love each other and want to stay together deal with life's stresses together and support each other through thick and thin. I don't mean it in a sugary sweet 'on my love don't stress' 24/7 kind of way. When two people are badly stressed, they'll argue, sometimes take out their stress on each other, sometimes retreat into their own spaces but ultimately if they are fully committed to each other they will NEVER ever abandon the other because of a few month's work related stress. They'll deal together. Did it occur to YOU to leave him because of his new job stress? No..

 

I am so very sorry. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong. When real life hit.. he bailed, and that's on him, not you. I speak from experience - not just saying. Hugs to you.

[Sunn]

He wasn't "bottling up his feelings" that is therapy-rap. He was taking a wait and see approach and trying not to make matters worse with what you presented and a fragile situation about to unhinge.

 

Besides you presented yourself as unhappy, crying and inconsolable. Why would he add to that stress? If you wanted to pull it together sooner rather than later, you would have. It's not about "whose fault" It's about just not working out long term due to the emotional composition of both parties.

 

I understand your point, but I also feel your conclusion is an easy one. Sometimes, you struggle so much with yourself that you cannot see things clearly. I do believe it would have opened my eyes if he had communicated about it. I was not inconsolable all the time. That's also why I decided to got help, because I really DO want to pull things together. I just didn't know how.

[journeynow]

I understand your point, but I also feel your conclusion is an easy one. Sometimes, you struggle so much with yourself that you cannot see things clearly. I do believe it would have opened my eyes if he had communicated about it. I was not inconsolable all the time. That's also why I decided to got help, because I really DO want to pull things together. I just didn't know how.

What is your listening style? When someone, anyone, a stranger, a friend, a boyfriend, shares their idea or opinion, do you feel a need to counteract with your view?

[Sunn]

Hmm personally I wouldn't say so... No, I'm not scared to give my opinion (he wasn't either, normally), but I don't think I overrule others with it. I think others would describe me as sweet and loyal, and feelings of the ones I love are important to me. I was so proud of him with his new job! I helped him everywhere I could. But I can have feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. And that was/is weighting on me the last months.

[goddess]

'Unfortunately, it sounds like although he cared things just fell apart'

 

OP, to me, it sounds like although he cared he didn't quite care enough.

 

You had a horrific time at work, understandably was stressed, depressed and tearful as a result... combined with his own new job stress, this was his excuse for leaving? Nope, don't buy it. Two people who love each other and want to stay together deal with life's stresses together and support each other through thick and thin. I don't mean it in a sugary sweet 'on my love don't stress' 24/7 kind of way. When two people are badly stressed, they'll argue, sometimes take out their stress on each other, sometimes retreat into their own spaces but ultimately if they are fully committed to each other they will NEVER ever abandon the other because of a few month's work related stress. They'll deal together. Did it occur to YOU to leave him because of his new job stress? No..

 

I am so very sorry. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong. When real life hit.. he bailed, and that's on him, not you. I speak from experience - not just saying. Hugs to you.

 

I completely agree with Metaltwin70, OP. My STBX blindsided me as well as to when he announced that he wanted a divorce this past May. Granted, this was the 3rd time in 6 years (married nearly 29 years) that he said he wanted a divorce but I, like you, thought things were going well. There I was basking in his company, loved being with him, thought the world of him, supported him through thick and thin, thinking that all was fine (finally) and he was entertaining divorce for months, I imagine. We were on totally different pages and I simply didn't see it. He never said anything until after he announced that he wanted a divorce. That's when he said that he "hated his life". That son of a bi*ch had so much good in his life and didn't see it.

 

I am heartbroken thinking of how devastated you are. I totally and completely understand how you feel. I am not in a good place now either but I believe that your bf didn't have enough love to sustain your relationship. You sound like such a caring, kind and loving person. What a shame that things like this happen to such amazing people. I hope that, with time, you will find peace and true happiness. I agree with so many poster here regrading your situation. Please hang in there. We will get through this pain and anguish one day at a time, you'll see. It will be a most difficult journey getting there but, with perseverance, you (and I) will get through. Sending you lots of virtual hugs. xoxo

[Sunn]

Goddess and Metaltwin70 (sorry, must have missed your reply yesterday!), thanks a lot for your kind words. I know I haven't been the most easy person to be with, but I wish he would have the patience to stay with me or at least the willingesss to communicate about it before it was too late. I guess there's only one thing I can do now: stay in therapy and sort some things out.

 

Goddess, I'm so sorry to hear your story. Hope you're feeling a bit better already and having a lot of loving people around you. Hugs!

[goddess]

Goddess and Metaltwin70 (sorry, must have missed your reply yesterday!), thanks a lot for your kind words. I know I haven't been the most easy person to be with, but I wish he would have the patience to stay with me or at least the willingesss to communicate about it before it was too late. I guess there's only one thing I can do now: stay in therapy and sort some things out.

 

Goddess, I'm so sorry to hear your story. Hope you're feeling a bit better already and having a lot of loving people around you. Hugs!

 

Sweet girl, nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws; some more than others. I wish he had the patience to stay with you as well but perhaps what happened gives you a glimpse of what the future would be like with him in it. You don't need that. He did a very shi**y thing and the very least, IMO, I think he should have informed you of what was feeling rather than letting it fester inside him. He chose the coward's way out. Don't forget that. He's an adult, for crying out loud. You deserve better. Someone who will truly love you, communicate with you and respect you. I've noticed that reminiscing about the good times we had (and there were many) is not helpful, nor productive. It only make you hurt more and causing you more anguish. I focus on the not-so-good things and I've realised more than ever before how disrespectful, chauvinistic and controlling he was towards me. Of course I'm in terrible pain but I am confident that, with time, I will heal and experience peace and happiness. Big hugs to you. xoxo

[Sunn]

Thank you, Goddess :) You made me feel a bit better.

 

I really hate that he remembers being inconsolable and unhappy, though. And I still don't understand why you would wait and see if things improve, rather than breakup directly if you are not willing to communicate about it. I tried to focus on the not-so-good-things either, but to me it really was a good relationship, except for the end. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!

[MissCanuck]

Thank you, Goddess :) You made me feel a bit better.

 

I really hate that he remembers being inconsolable and unhappy, though. And I still don't understand why you would wait and see if things improve, rather than breakup directly if you are not willing to communicate about it. I tried to focus on the not-so-good-things either, but to me it really was a good relationship, except for the end. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!

 

There could be other reasons he wanted to end it that he hasn't shared as well. Sometimes dumpers have a hard time being completely honest about why it's over for them, so they select another issue and make it all about that.

[Bun101]

I just went through a breakup just like this 5 months ago. I didn't see it coming either.

 

It's definitely really hard because you can't help but wonder if you had just done something slightly different, maybe you two wouldn't have had to break up but you can't really let that weigh you down. The worse is the feeling that it was so preventable and all they had to do was just communicate what was bothering them; like don't they owe you that much at least. If they truly loved you, wouldn't they want to give you the chance to fix it and make it better, or at least try to fix it.

 

The thing is, there's nothing you can do, they decided that you weren't worth the effort, they decided that they rather start again with someone else instead of trying to make it work with you. I know it's hard to hear but it really isn't about what you could have done, it really is on them. It can just as simple as they just don't think it will work long term and that's enough for them to end it.

 

You deserve a partner who would communicate, who would stick by you were times get tough, and who would at least give you a chance to fix things instead of just leaving.

[Sunn]

Thank you Bun101! I know you are right, but I guess it's easier to blame myself.. :)

 

Hope you are doing better now. It really seems to happen a lot! Why is it so difficult to be honest instead of lying and pretending you are happy?

[Bun101]

Hmm, he may have thought if he gave it more time, maybe everything would magically fix itself so he won't have to do anything. Some people just aren't very good communicators and sometimes they just want to avoid doing the hard emotional work in the relationship or he just wants something different. Only he really knows why he did what he did.

 

And thanks, I am doing a lot better now and you will feel better too. Just give it time and keep working on yourself. Eventually you'll stop putting the blame on yourself and just accept that it is what it is. Healing is a process and you'll go through a lot of emotions, so be kind to yourself when you can.

[Sunn]

So, small update: I've seen him some weeks ago. He contacted me, I hesitated, but we met and had a coffee. I decided not to bring up any sensitive topics from the past, just give him an update of my life and be happy. At the end he hinted at a next meeting.

 

I felt really strong after the meeting, I was there with all my heartbreak and wasn't dramatic at all. But I still miss him. I don't think I want him as my boyfriend, but I miss our contact.

[Sunn]

Hi all, I contacted him again a few weeks ago, he said he really liked meeting me, but it was also very difficult, so he wants to limit our contact. How can it be difficult to him, as he was the one who wanted to breakup? Can somebody help me seeing his point of view? I still have so many questions, getting confused more and more.. I feel there's still so much we have to clarify and talk about.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. There are no unanswered questions and there is nothing to talk about. The breakup is the closure. Sadly the relationship was unraveling for months. Looking back what were the signs? It's hard to move on but chasing him to keep meeting and talking etc is making it harder.

 

He told you "his mind is made up" so no amount of talking, pleading, chasing will work. In fact it makes things worse for you because it keeps reopening wounds and keeps you reliving rejection over and over. It's time to delete and block him.

he already had doubts for some months. talked with him a lot and asked him to work things out together. He already made up his mind. I feel a lot of you at least receive a message after the breakup, but 'mine' hasn't initiated contact one single time.

[Sunn]

Hi Wiseman, thanks for your words. Hard but you are probably right. But if he is so done, why is it still difficult for him then? Also, there are still some things we need to arrange together, and the doesn't take any initiative.

[Wiseman2]

Are there logistical or financial things involved that need to be sorted out? If so keep any communication brief and to the point about that. Do not discuss feelings or the wherefore and whys. Do not meet up unless there are items that need to be returned/gathered.

there are still some things we need to arrange together, and the doesn't take any initiative.

[chitown9]

I think that living in that house that you shared together is contributing to holding you back. Move out. And just remember, "He did this thing." Instead of ruminating as to the whys, that is the bottom line. So find someone who cherishes you and be done with him.

:eek:chi

[Sunn]

Yes there are. But isn't it weird that he doesn't take any initiative for this? And is it weird that I can't lose hope?