She wants us to have our "own space." How much?

[Usa1ah]

This morning was the first time with a therapist. We didn't get very deep, but she thinks I may have ADHD. She said I need to work on my empathy skills. I am seeing a family doctor tomorrow to see if he will give me meds. If not adderall, maybe something for my nerves. I've had a weird twitch in my arm all morning. It won't stop shaking. My nurse friend said it's probably anxiety.

 

You know this sounds like codependency. You really need to work on being alright without her.

[cousin]

You know this sounds like codependency. You really need to work on being alright without her.

 

Thank you. I'm working on it. It's hard when you've seen someone everyday for eight months to just pack up and leave. I did though. Would have left that very day if the place was available. I haven't spoken to her all week. I did go to the Dr. today, and have been prescribed ADHD meds.

[abitbroken]

Thank you. I'm working on it. It's hard when you've seen someone everyday for eight months to just pack up and leave. I did though. Would have left that very day if the place was available. I haven't spoken to her all week. I did go to the Dr. today, and have been prescribed ADHD meds.

 

I do not think its a good idea unless you are formally diagnosed by a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. There is more to it than listening to someone for one hour only.

[cousin]

Are you sure what she is telling is true? Most people know when they’re verbally abusing someone. Being pushy for sex is just her opinion, another girl might think your now forward enough.

 

I can be pushy, but if she ever said no, I stopped. In her defense, she said I get mad if she turned me down. In my defense, all I ever did was go sleep in another room to cool down. Never yelled. Last week, when we had our big talk, she stopped me many times and told me when something I said was being demanding. I had no clue. It's something I need to work on. The abusive part is when I blew up over finding out about the cheating. She said she was really scared for her and the cats. She had actually ran to the bedroom and I yelled at her from the doorway.

[cousin]

I do not think its a good idea unless you are formally diagnosed by a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. There is more to it than listening to someone for one hour only.

I saw a therapist yesterday. She told me she is pretty certain I have it, but it would take another session. I had setup a Dr. appointment before that. He gave me a low dose of Vyanse today. It's already taking my edge off. Good stuff.

[cousin]

Why didn’t you have her leave, she’s the one that wants space.

 

Your a doormat. She says jump and you say how high.

 

I didn't have her leave because she knows nobody here. All of her family are in Wisconsin. We live in SC. I actually have friends about an hour away. She hasn't made any friends at work, because she has no time.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP,

 

Your reaction was a bit over the top, but only one circumstance, and plus, you'd just experienced trauma - she cheated on you. She then manipulated you and made you the bad guy. What did you yell at her? Did you call her names? I want to know just how "abusive" you were. It sounds pretty normal to me, to be honest.

 

It must be hard to go months without any form of physical affection. I'd need to cool down if my attempts at intimacy and physical connection were rejected that much. I've broken up for someone because of how often they were rejecting me. Not abusive.

 

Another poster said it - you're a doormat. You don't value yourself, and you don't have standards. You let her push you around and then kick you out of your own apartment - after she cheated.

 

You need to work on those things to solidify yourself much more than you need the meds.

[cousin]

OP,

 

Your reaction was a bit over the top, but only one circumstance, and plus, you'd just experienced trauma - she cheated on you. She then manipulated you and made you the bad guy. What did you yell at her? Did you call her names? I want to know just how "abusive" you were. It sounds pretty normal to me, to be honest.

 

It must be hard to go months without any form of physical affection. I'd need to cool down if my attempts at intimacy and physical connection were rejected that much. I've broken up for someone because of how often they were rejecting me. Not abusive.

 

Another poster said it - you're a doormat. You don't value yourself, and you don't have standards. You let her push you around and then kick you out of your own apartment - after she cheated.

 

You need to work on those things to solidify yourself much more than you need the meds.

 

Thank you. I am also seeing a therapist. Never called her names. I just yelled and kept saying I couldn't believe this was happening. Then kept yelling at her to go take care of the food she was cooking. She wouldn't move. I don't want to blame her 100% because I was hard to deal with. I mean, she tried so hard in the beginning, and I didn't do anything for her. I was looking around my office this morning at all the stuff she made me. I basically did whatever I wanted then came home to have sex or sleep. Sometimes I would take her out to eat, but that's all. I pushed her away. Yes, we should have ended things before it came to this, but I suck at communicating and really thought she was severely depressed. She did absolutely nothing but work and come home to sleep when her cat got cancer. She never left the house but to go see her family that week. She cheated with that guy right in the middle of all that. I'm thinking she had some kind breakdown.

[Pleasedonot5]

Thank you. I am also seeing a therapist. I don't want to blame her 100% because I was hard to deal with. I mean, she tried so hard in the beginning, and all I didn't do anything for her. I was looking around my office this morning at all the stuff she made me. I basically did whatever I wanted then came home to have sex or sleep. Sometimes I would take her out to eat, but that's all. I pushed her away. Yes, we should have ended things before it came to this, but I suck at communicating and really thought she was severely depressed. She did absolutely nothing but work and come home to sleep when her cat got cancer. She never left the house but to go see her family that week. She cheated with that guy right in the middle of all that. I'm thinking she had some kind breakdown.

I'm sure you are not a saint, but this kind of thing happens in a lot of relationships. You still haven't answered my question, when were you abusive? Did you call her names? During the fight, just because she was scared, what did you do that was abusive? She made you angry and you had a fight. It's not your fault that she made a big show of it by running and hiding like a child. She cheated. You had the right to be angry.

 

You might have been tough to deal with at times, and you might have taken her for granted a little bit, but we all are and a lot of us do take people for granted. Humans suck. I don't understand why you have to be the martyr all the time, though. Are you seriously saying you can't blame her for cheating on you? How low is your view of yourself? You should be angry.

[cousin]

I'm sure you are not a saint, but this kind of thing happens in a lot of relationships. You still haven't answered my question, when were you abusive? Did you call her names? During the fight, just because she was scared, what did you do that was abusive? She made you angry and you had a fight. It's not your fault that she made a big show of it by running and hiding like a child. She cheated. You had the right to be angry.

 

You might have been tough to deal with at times, and you might have taken her for granted a little bit, but we all are and a lot of us do take people for granted. Humans suck. I don't understand why you have to be the martyr all the time, though. Are you seriously saying you can't blame her for cheating on you? How low is your view of yourself? You should be angry.

 

I blame her about 90%. I can't stop thinking about the sex act the the guy was describing in that text. I wish I hadn't seen it. For some reason, I get mad at him when I should be mad at her. I should have put a stop to the texting early on. She had given me her pin a long time ago so I had read many of them. All their texts were him asking for therapy via text and sometimes he'd text something vulgar. She would always tell him to stop "deflecting" and continue therapy.

[Pleasedonot5]

I blame her about 90%. I can't stop thinking about the sex act the the guy was describing in that text. I wish I hadn't seen it. For some reason, I get mad at him when I should be mad at her.

You are dodging my questions.

 

Sorry for your experience. Doesn't sound fun.

[cousin]

You are dodging my questions.

 

Sorry for your experience. Doesn't sound fun.

 

Thank you. I really don't think I was abusive, but I was an a hole . She tried hard. I played tennis, hung out with my friends and occasionally took her to dinner. I never let my online friends know we were together. She tried though. We went on vacation with her family, and I wouldn't let her post pics of us together. I was an idiot. I'm going Friday to get my stuff. I don't really like this new place, so I am hoping giving her all this space will help us get past this and I can move into the spare bedroom for a little while. The new place still isn't finished. Owner of the place seems shady. That's what I get for moving out so quickly. She told me before I moved out that I had all the time I needed. She just wanted me to be looking.

 

My female friends all think I should give it another shot with her as friends first. They said she should not have cheated, but I was also stupid for treating her so badly.

[cousin]

Thank you. I really don't think I was abusive, but I was an a hole . She tried hard. I played tennis, hung out with my friends and occasionally took her to dinner. I never let my online friends know we were together. She tried though. We went on vacation with her family, and I wouldn't let her post pics of us together. I was an idiot. I'm going Friday to get my stuff. I don't really like this new place, so I am hoping giving her all this space will help us get past this and I can move into the spare bedroom for a little while. The new place still isn't finished. Owner of the place seems shady. That's what I get for moving out so quickly. She told me before I moved out that I had all the time I needed. She just wanted me to be looking.

 

My female friends all think I should give it another shot with her as friends first. They said she should not have cheated, but I was also stupid for treating her so badly. I believe in second chances. But just one.

[boltnrun]

You can't get her back by being "friends first". That almost always does nothing except put you in a front row seat to see her with the next guy she dates.

[abitbroken]

Thank you. I really don't think I was abusive, but I was an a hole . She tried hard. I played tennis, hung out with my friends and occasionally took her to dinner. I never let my online friends know we were together. She tried though. We went on vacation with her family, and I wouldn't let her post pics of us together. I was an idiot. I'm going Friday to get my stuff. I don't really like this new place, so I am hoping giving her all this space will help us get past this and I can move into the spare bedroom for a little while. The new place still isn't finished. Owner of the place seems shady. That's what I get for moving out so quickly. She told me before I moved out that I had all the time I needed. She just wanted me to be looking.

 

My female friends all think I should give it another shot with her as friends first. They said she should not have cheated, but I was also stupid for treating her so badly. I believe in second chances. But just one.

 

The problem is that you are talking to female friends to weigh in on your relationship especially since you tried hard to hide your relationship> you should not involved them. Look for a new place if you don't want to live there. But you need to consider it over and work on yourself for YOU

[MissCanuck]

She wasn't trying that hard if she stepped out of the relationship to cheat on you, OP. She's a therapist, for heaven's sake. She knows the correct and healthy choice would have been to end the relationship, then have sex with her other guy. I hope she doesn't charge too much for her sessions, because she is certainly not in much place to telling other people how to live productive and peaceful lives.

 

You have this woman on a ridiculously high pedestal that she just doesn't belong on. She's not good-quality, for many reasons. Being "friends" with her isn't going to change the fact that she is a dishonest and disloyal person.

 

Your female friends are not giving you good advice if they know she cheated on you and yet recommend that you try to win her back.

[cousin]

She wasn't trying that hard if she stepped out of the relationship to cheat on you, OP. She's a therapist, for heaven's sake. She knows the correct and healthy choice would have been to end the relationship, then have sex with her other guy. I hope she doesn't charge too much for her sessions, because she is certainly not in much place to telling other people how to live productive and peaceful lives.

 

You have this woman on a ridiculously high pedestal that she just doesn't belong on. She's not good-quality, for many reasons. Being "friends" with her isn't going to change the fact that she is a dishonest and disloyal person.

 

Your female friends are not giving you good advice if they know she cheated on you and yet recommend that you try to win her back.

 

Thank you. She may not be perfect, but neither am I. I texted her yesterday and asked if I could come get my stuff this weekend. She didn't respond. Maybe she is having second thoughts. Who knows. She knows I went to see a therapist and a Dr. because I posted it on my private Instagram that only a few people have access to view. Maybe she sees I am trying. I will keep everyone updated. You have helped alot.

[ShatteredMan]

Your being a fool or an idiot. Your living together and she claims your not in a exclusive relationship. She cheated on you.

 

Dump her as fast as you can and find someone that actually cares for you.

Truth. Do this now.

 

Its good that you're getting help. Make the most of it and learn from what you're going through. Its sucks while you're working through the pain but once you start concentrating yourself rather than the imaginary picture that you're still painting of her coming back around, begging for your forgiveness (won't happen), you'll learn more about yourself and the dynamics of relationships. This, in turn, will prepare you for the next time that you see red flags with someone that you're about to get into a relationship with.

 

In a weird way, one day you'll realize that she "gave you the gift of goodbye" because this crap that you're dealing with will make you a stronger man who won't tolerate a repeat of this situation and you'll see it coming before it throws your life sideways again.

[MissCanuck]

Thank you. She may not be perfect, but neither am I. I texted her yesterday and asked if I could come get my stuff this weekend. She didn't respond. Maybe she is having second thoughts. Who knows. She knows I went to see a therapist and a Dr. because I posted it on my private Instagram that only a few people have access to view. Maybe she sees I am trying. I will keep everyone updated. You have helped alot.

 

There is a big difference between not being perfect and totally disrespecting you and the relationship by having sex with someone else.

 

You need much higher standards. Trying to prove yourself to a woman like this is futile and won't bring you happiness. Please, do discuss this with your therapist as well. It's concerning that you're trying so hard to win back someone who doesn't give a crap about you.

[boltnrun]

You're hoping that because she ignored your text it means she doesn't want you to leave?

[cousin]

You're hoping that because she ignored your text it means she doesn't want you to leave?

 

She replied this morning. I'm coming by tomorrow. We then chatted about our week a little before I told her I'll let her focus on work. She said she had 11 clients today. I left it at that.

[cousin]

There is a big difference between not being perfect and totally disrespecting you and the relationship by having sex with someone else.

 

You need much higher standards. Trying to prove yourself to a woman like this is futile and won't bring you happiness. Please, do discuss this with your therapist as well. It's concerning that you're trying so hard to win back someone who doesn't give a crap about you.

 

I just want to go back and try again just like she suggested would happen if I get help. I was not a good guy. Most people would have told me to leave a long time ago. For a while I was also messaging other women I used to date. I'm sure she picked up on that. I'm telling you all, we never ever communicated. We would go out to eat and get groceries. Other than that, she's stay home. I want to start communicating with her as much as possible and see what happens. That's all.

[cousin]

There is a big difference between not being perfect and totally disrespecting you and the relationship by having sex with someone else.

 

You need much higher standards. Trying to prove yourself to a woman like this is futile and won't bring you happiness. Please, do discuss this with your therapist as well. It's concerning that you're trying so hard to win back someone who doesn't give a crap about you.

 

I talked about it with my therapist. She is giving me tips for being a better partner. She wants be to begin with empathy.

[cousin]

I'm going to try practicing some empathy. I'm going to try thinking from her POV. I'm living with a guy who I feel like I can't talk to , who only wants sex and to go out to eat. Won't hold my hand in public, won't let people know we are dating. I buy and make him things and he only takes me out to eat. I work 12 hour days with no break and have to cook my own food because my boyfriend can't cook. He sulks if he can't have sex. When he's home he sits on the couch and plays video games. He is probably talking to other women.

[MissCanuck]

I just want to go back and try again just like she suggested would happen if I get help. I was not a good guy. Most people would have told me to leave a long time ago. For a while I was also messaging other women I used to date. I'm sure she picked up on that. I'm telling you all, we never ever communicated. We would go out to eat and get groceries. Other than that, she's stay home. I want to start communicating with her as much as possible and see what happens. That's all.

 

And what about the new guy she is seeing?