She wants us to have our "own space." How much?

[cousin]

And what about the new guy she is seeing?

 

He lives three states away. He also has a girlfriend. She slept with him on her way to Wisconsin from SC. She has no plans to move up there. She has been looking for apartments in this area. Our lease is up in October.

[cousin]

If that guy lived anywhere near here, I'd be long gone. The fact that he lives 6 hours away helps a little.

[boltnrun]

If that guy lived anywhere near here, I'd be long gone. The fact that he lives 6 hours away helps a little.

 

The distance didn't stop her before.

[cousin]

The distance didn't stop her before.

 

Thank you for the reply. She was on her way to see family up north. We've made that trip before. It's on the way.

[boltnrun]

Thank you for the reply. She was on her way to see family up north. We've made that trip before. It's on the way.

 

 

Does her family still live "up north"?

[cousin]

Does her family still live "up north"?

 

Yes. They are in northern Wisconsin. They are actually coming down here in two weeks to visit. It would be Christmas before she goes back up there.

[boltnrun]

Yes. They are in northern Wisconsin. They are actually coming down here in two weeks to visit. It would be Christmas before she goes back up there.

 

So he is still on the way to her family's home. Which means there would still be an opportunity to hook up again if they want to.

 

I'm just trying to illustrate how it wasn't just you being a lousy partner. She did her share too. You're acting like you are the only one who has to "change" and if you do the relationship will be wonderful. But cheating has no place in a wonderful relationship.

[cousin]

So he is still on the way to her family's home. Which means there would still be an opportunity to hook up again if they want to.

 

I'm just trying to illustrate how it wasn't just you being a lousy partner. She did her share too. You're acting like you are the only one who has to "change" and if you do the relationship will be wonderful. But cheating has no place in a wonderful relationship.

 

Trust me. If we end up back together, I will be making that trip with her just like I did last December. Yes, she needs to change. I am willing to see if she can. She's a good woman. Just young and impulsive.

[MissCanuck]

Trust me. If we end up back together, I will be making that trip with her just like I did last December. Yes, she needs to change. I am willing to see if she can. She's a good woman. Just young and impulsive.

 

No, a good woman at the age of 30 does not have sex with another woman's boyfriend, especially when she herself isn't single. That is a woman who knows better, but doesn't care.

 

Is that why you're hanging on to her? Because she's young and attractive and you don't feel you can do better? She is a mess.

[cousin]

No, a good woman at the age of 30 does not have sex with another woman's boyfriend, especially when she herself isn't single. That is a woman who knows better, but doesn't care.

 

Is that why you're hanging on to her? Because she's young and attractive and you don't feel you can do better? She is a mess.

 

She just turned 29. She didn't know he had a girlfriend if that is even relevant. I saw the text where he said he had been seeing someone else when she visited. He told her after. I texted her just now and let her know my new place isn't working out. The owner still hasn't fixed the shower, still don't have window blinds, and the air conditioning doesn't work in my bedroom. I have been showering at work. That's what I get for taking the first thing on CraigsList I could find. I can't even reach the owner of the place. She knows I have nowhere else to go.

[boltnrun]

She just turned 29. She didn't know he had a girlfriend if that is even relevant. I saw the text where he said he had been seeing someone else when she visited. He told her after. I texted her just now and let her know my new place isn't working out. The owner still hasn't fixed the shower, still don't have window blinds, and the air conditioning doesn't work in my bedroom. I have been showering at work. That's what I get for taking the first thing on CraigsList I could find. I can't even reach the owner of the place. She knows I have nowhere else to go.

 

Are you hoping she feels sorry for you and lets you come back?

[cousin]

Are you hoping she feels sorry for you and lets you come back?

 

No. I need a place to stay that isn't miserable. I didn't tell her why the new place is bad. I just told her it's not working out. I should not have moved out the day she texted me to start looking.

[Pleasedonot5]

No. I need a place to stay that isn't miserable. I didn't tell her why the new place is bad. I just told her it's not working out. I should not have moved out the day she texted me to start looking.

Agreed, you need to look out for yourself a little more. One day is unrealistic. You could have said no to moving out right away.

[cousin]

Agreed, you need to look out for yourself a little more. One day is unrealistic. You could have said no to moving out right away.

 

Thank you. Part of having adult ADHD is making impulsive decisions. I'm praying she sees I am making an effort to move out. She always said as long as "we are looking at getting our own spaces, we are moving forward not backwards." Who knows, if I keep communicating with her and going to therapy, you never know what could happen.

[boltnrun]

But sharing with her your woes about your rental isn't moving forward. It sounds too much like you're whining to her and hoping she invites you back.

 

Aren't there other places you could rent? How about one of those efficiency motels that provide dishes, linens, utensils, etc.? I have had friends who stayed in those and they are actually decent.

[cousin]

But sharing with her your woes about your rental isn't moving forward. It sounds too much like you're whining to her and hoping she invites you back.

 

Aren't there other places you could rent? How about one of those efficiency motels that provide dishes, linens, utensils, etc.? I have had friends who stayed in those and they are actually decent.

 

I basically have 250 dollars left in my bank account until Sept. 1. I get paid monthly. I have a 30 mile commute to work. Paying her this month's rent and then dropping close to a grand on the new place broke me.

[cousin]

I'm going to ask her anyway. It can't hurt. She basically said I had until the lease was up which was October. I made a bad decision.

[abitbroken]

I'm going to ask her anyway. It can't hurt. She basically said I had until the lease was up which was October. I made a bad decision.

 

I thought she returned the rent?

 

Honestly, i would not ask her for more money. Uber or do gig work to make up what you need. Or see if you have some possessions you can sell.

[cousin]

I thought she returned the rent?

 

Honestly, i would not ask her for more money. Uber or do gig work to make up what you need. Or see if you have some possessions you can sell.

 

She did, but I sent it back. I may see if she will send it back again. This is actually stressing me out big time. I will update after she and I talk.

[abitbroken]

She did, but I sent it back. I may see if she will send it back again. This is actually stressing me out big time. I will update after she and I talk.

 

Why are you playing games? She is not going to take you back because you didn't take the money. You made your bed, now lie in it. You gave the money back - don't use it as an excuse to contact her. Figure out what you can sell of your possessions. sign up for gig work, go to the restaurant that always has the sign in the window - get a part time job with tips for instant money.

[boltnrun]

It sounds like you've been trying to manipulate her into taking you back. First with returning the money that she (fairly and rightfully) returned to you, now with your sob story about how miserable you are in your rental.

 

These are part of the issues why she is needing space. Because you are still wanting her to do what you want, because you are not respecting her need for space, because you are not listening to her.

 

And all of this does nothing to prove to her you've "changed". Sounds like a different verse of the exact same song.

 

Ask for her to return the returned money and use it to find a new rental. Again, I recommend you look into a weekly efficiency rental so you won't have to come up with a ton of money to move in. Those are usually reasonably priced and you can probably find one closer to work than 30 miles.

[MissCanuck]

There are several other things you can do to make your living situation more tolerable, OP. Asking her to move back in is an unwise choice, and will probably not be received well.

 

Ask her to send the money (again) for your share of the rent. There is no reason for her to have it, though I suspect you told her to keep it because you were going to try to move back in anyway.

[cousin]

I will update tomorrow. She is working 12 hours today without a break and then has to drive 45 minutes home. Today isn't the best time to talk to her.

[abitbroken]

I will update tomorrow. She is working 12 hours today without a break and then has to drive 45 minutes home. Today isn't the best time to talk to her.

 

Don't talk to her. Figure this out yourself. Break the manipulation cycle. Cook cheaply -- go to a food pantry if you have to this month - but why not just do something on the side and hustle and prove you can do it. Dude, you are 40 years old - you should be more resourceful than that at 40.

[Usa1ah]

I can be pushy, but if she ever said no, I stopped. In her defense, she said I get mad if she turned me down. In my defense, all I ever did was go sleep in another room to cool down. Never yelled. Last week, when we had our big talk, she stopped me many times and told me when something I said was being demanding. I had no clue. It's something I need to work on. The abusive part is when I blew up over finding out about the cheating. She said she was really scared for her and the cats. She had actually ran to the bedroom and I yelled at her from the doorway.

 

This is still “in her opinion”.

 

She sounds like a it’s her way or it’s wrong.

 

Who wouldn’t blow up over being cheated on.

 

This self centered selfish girl will cheat again and again. Wants a separation but your not allowed to go out for dinner with another female but she was having sex with other men a month before the separation.

 

Tell her to enjoy her life and block her on everything. Then continue to work on yourself and find a woman that can have a real relationship. That so-called gf of yours has her own problems, she’s a cheater.