My boyfriend lied about his education and finances

[Karen21260]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and living together for 18 months. Up until a couple weeks ago, everything had been wonderful and normal. For the past few months, we had been talking about getting married and are planning to go ring shopping next month.

 

Two weeks ago, he created a professional online profile but input the wrong university. I let him know and he said he will change it later, which was actually unlike him since he values his career & reputation so much. I normally don't think that much but somehow I was prompted to check both universities websites and learned that he lied to me about his education. I can't think of any reason to, except perhaps he wanted to impress me when we first started dating. But he did not tell me the truth even when I pointed out the profile "mistake" and when I helped him with his resumes a few months ago. He moved from another state two and a half years ago and as far as I know everyone thinks he went to the university he lied about. However we do have a few friends that passed on his resume so i'm not sure how he explained putting a different university on there.

 

The same week, he asked me if he can register his mom's new car under his name. He said she will pay for it. I said my preference is absolutely not, since we will get married soon, and I absolutely do not want mixing up assets, names, etc. And he has always known that I do not mix assets, borrow/lend money, etc. or do any of these things with family or friends, and it is a deal breaker for me.

 

In his family it is normal. He has two siblings. One of his siblings has four houses and a bunch of cars under their names belonging to their parents & other sibling. They are unable to register another car (according to them) so want my boyfriend to do it. They are both more than ten years older than him and manipulative. The other sibling runs their own business but do not pay tax because their customers pay cash and they do not own an assets (as they are under the other siblings' name).

 

My boyfriend and I are both 27 and do not even have a house yet. Anyway, he said he will not do it and told his family. But eventually they kept pressuring him and he ended up registering the car under his name anyway, without telling me. I know because he left an email open by accident.

 

I have not yet brought up these two incidences to him yet. This week is his birthday and next week is our two anniversary trip so the timing is poor. But my gut tells me there may be more that he is hiding.

 

How do I bring this up? It has not even been two weeks yet, and I am so surprised at how quickly my feelings for him changed. I am already fantasizing about leaving him, thinking I will be happier and relieved. I am alternating between being numb and feeling like my gut dropped. I do not care what school he attended and I believe he will be willing to fix the car situation. So the actual events are minor. I am just so disappointed he lied. I can be a little too direct and he can be defensive so any advice on how to start the convo will be much appreciated. I apologize if I sound over dramatic as I wrote this very quickly. Thank you.

[Batya33]

I don't understand why it matters so much to you who he registers his car under since it's his family -not yours. I cannot stand the lies either -on your behalf. So just for perspective I have a friend who is married for over 20 years to a guy who confessed a lie to her in their first 6 months of dating -to impress her he said he started college at age 16 but he actually started at the typical age, 18. She was mad but understood his insecurities. Honestly, I wouldn't have liked it at all . I do not think he lied about anything else all these years -I think she would have told me and he seems to me like a person of integrity and helps so many people with his volunteer work, etc. So you never know.

 

Also this is his mother not a friend so perhaps his family -or yours- may lend you guys money to buy a house, etc. If that is not ok with you then I suggest you two have a serious talk about finances and financial goals before moving forward.

 

Are there other issues here? Sounds like there might be. I'm sorry about the lies -I would be upset too.

[nutbrownhare]

It can be very disorientating and unsettling to find out someone close to you has been lying to you, even if the lies are trivial and of no consequence. I recall my father telling me about how he used to read a particular book by torchlight under the bedclothes when he was about 12-13 - he couldn't put it down because it was so exciting. I used to feel a sense of connection with him when I read the same book at around the same age.

 

Then in later life I realised that the book wasn't actually published until he was in his 20's... and I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut.

 

I can totally understand why your feelings for your boyfriend have changed; your understanding of who he is, and his value system, have changed; it's not just about the lies. This may be something you feel able to live with, in time - or you may feel your relationship has been so undermined that you can't move past it. Trust is crucial if you're going to be in a relationship for the long haul, and if you haven't got that, you've got nothing.

[abitbroken]

I would not wait to address this. Don't wait until after the birthday or the trip because he will sense things are off

 

1) I disagree with Batya that it is not your business about the cars. The part that is your business is the fact that he told mom no and she needled him and he caved. Is that a dynamic you want in your marriage - for him to yes you to death and then turn around and cave to mom? Its your business if you get married and share liability -- she defaults on the car loan, or she kills someone with the car and she has no insurance - they come after the car owner, too, i would imagine.

 

2) Yes, the lie about the school would bother me. I would tell him it bothers you - people have lost their jobs 5 years after getting it for lies like that. Better to address it now than when you have a toddler and have a baby on the way and he loses his job -- when he is promoted and someone realizes things don't add up when another "alum" starts working there...

[Batya33]

I would not wait to address this. Don't wait until after the birthday or the trip because he will sense things are off

 

1) I disagree with Batya that it is not your business about the cars. The part that is your business is the fact that he told mom no and she needled him and he caved. Is that a dynamic you want in your marriage - for him to yes you to death and then turn around and cave to mom? Its your business if you get married and share liability -- she defaults on the car loan, or she kills someone with the car and she has no insurance - they come after the car owner, too, i would imagine.

 

2) Yes, the lie about the school would bother me. I would tell him it bothers you - people have lost their jobs 5 years after getting it for lies like that. Better to address it now than when you have a toddler and have a baby on the way and he loses his job -- when he is promoted and someone realizes things don't add up when another "alum" starts working there...

 

I just wasn't sure what the issue is and they are not married right now, anyway so I'm not sure how that works with pre-marital assets. I would at least look into it. I agreed I didn't like the lie.

 

I had a friend who lied about finishing her grad degree -she was a few credits short. She got all the way to offer stage at a dream job that didn't require a grad degree but then she realized they were checking everything so she came clean. No offer. I would think that's pretty typical.

[SGH]

Oh man, I understand why you're considering leaving him. The way in which he lies screams avoidance! He sounds like someone who thinks as long as you don't know, it won't hurt you. Not always the case.

 

I think his lying behaviors reveals a serious incompatibility in values (mainly in the realm of honesty and integrity). You want to be able to trust the person you marry and share a life with. I would have that talk sooner rather than later. I find that people who lie in this way rarely change, though. It's definitely a deal-breaker for me.

[yatsue]

I just wasn't sure what the issue is and they are not married right now, anyway so I'm not sure how that works with pre-marital assets. I would at least look into it. I agreed I didn't like the lie.

 

I had a friend who lied about finishing her grad degree -she was a few credits short. She got all the way to offer stage at a dream job that didn't require a grad degree but then she realized they were checking everything so she came clean. No offer. I would think that's pretty typical.

 

To register a car, the people who are listed could be liable for any fines that accrue on that car. They can become debts which, if they are married, becomes the OP's responsibility. It appears they may marry soon. Who knows what could go wrong. The family definitely seems shady. It is smart to not be so trusting.

 

In regards to not graduating the university he lists in order to get a job, you are helping him commit fraud. It is against the law. I would be pissed. Definitely something you should talk to him about. I don't know exactly how to not be confrontational with that knowledge. It is a very destructive lie. It is best to maintain a neutral tone, and not start by accusing him first. Begin with presenting him with what you saw and say you are looking for some clarity on the matter.

[journeynow]

They are unable to register another car (according to them) so want my boyfriend to do it.

 

Why can't they register another car? I can't image what the problem is, unless they have speeding tickets, moving violations, unpaid parking tickets, or other marks against them as drivers or vehicle owners, or they can't afford the registration fees and taxes. Maybe it depends on where you live. It doesn't make it his asset, since they are not talking about putting his name on the title. But he would be responsible for paying yearly registration, any unpaid parking fines on it, and maybe other things.

 

Did he attend more than one university? Could have started at one, finished at another or even a third, or participated in special programs in the one he mentioned?

[DanZee]

I can't image what the problem is, unless they have speeding tickets, moving violations, unpaid parking tickets, or other marks against them as drivers or vehicle owners, or they can't afford the registration fees and taxes.

 

Well, it is fraud. The person who registers the car has to also carry insurance in their name. It sounds like his family is trying to pull one over on the insurance company if they have surcharges. Doing that, if the car is in an accident, the insurance company will only cover the accident if the boyfriend is driving. And if they don't cover the accident, then the boyfriend will be liable to pay.

 

Also lying about his college education just seems morally wrong to do. And these things can be found out fairly easily with a call to the college. I agree with the OP, there's something up with the honesty of the boyfriend.

[abitbroken]

Why can't they register another car? I can't image what the problem is, unless they have speeding tickets, moving violations, unpaid parking tickets, or other marks against them as drivers or vehicle owners, or they can't afford the registration fees and taxes. Maybe it depends on where you live. It doesn't make it his asset, since they are not talking about putting his name on the title. But he would be responsible for paying yearly registration, any unpaid parking fines on it, and maybe other things.

 

Did he attend more than one university? Could have started at one, finished at another or even a third, or participated in special programs in the one he mentioned?

 

The car has to be registered under the title holder's name in my state. you can't register someone else's car. They would in essence have to transfer the title to him for him to register it in his name. In my state, you CAN have two people on the insurance (ie, married couple are on the same policy, child listed as additional driver on a car). So he would own the car. Who knows -- maybe its paid off but still....

[Karen21260]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

 

To clarify some things, it’s his name on the car title. It’s his car, just that his family is paying for it and driving it, and have their name under the insurance. They don’t want assets under his moms name cuz supposedly that would make her insurance increase.

 

As for education, I found one of his resumes lying around and turns out he’s been changing it to the university he actuallly graduated from, before sending it out. No job fraud. Just lying to me and our friends. Although I’m not sure how he passed the resume into some of our friends who referred him. He would have had to say actually he graduated from that school..

 

Knowing he’s been lying and knowing his family culture... I am really wondering what else he lied about. I am guessing he and his family do intertwine their finances one way or another. I can’t believe my feelings changed so much in two weeks. Now I know what it means that when you don’t have trust you don’t have a relationship.

[Batya33]

The lying to his friends would make my stomach turn. Also isn’t he risking one of these friends seeing a different school on the resume ? I agree it’s also the way he lies - it’s shady. And I’d assume he also does other shady financial things.

[yatsue]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

 

To clarify some things, it’s his name on the car title. It’s his car, just that his family is paying for it and driving it, and have their name under the insurance. They don’t want assets under his moms name cuz supposedly that would make her insurance increase.

 

As for education, I found one of his resumes lying around and turns out he’s been changing it to the university he actuallly graduated from, before sending it out. No job fraud. Just lying to me and our friends. Although I’m not sure how he passed the resume into some of our friends who referred him. He would have had to say actually he graduated from that school..

 

Knowing he’s been lying and knowing his family culture... I am really wondering what else he lied about. I am guessing he and his family do intertwine their finances one way or another. I can’t believe my feelings changed so much in two weeks. Now I know what it means that when you don’t have trust you don’t have a relationship.

 

Well then that makes the car situation even worse when you're married. He owns it, not only is registering it. Any accident they may get into, people they hurt, hit, insurance claim, fines, towng, payments for leasinng/buying, literally anything that happens in that car debt wise will now be your and his responsibility when married, if his parents default. If you're in the US, then that's on your insurance record for 7 years if you both are on the same one. I suggest to get separate ones permanently. I am not sure how ownership works, in terms of having to claim that car on a separate insurance even though you're not on the title but are married. I do know the debts you will take on.

 

Perhaps he may not be committing fraud on his applications, but perhaps not. It depends what he turned into his friends. You need to talk regardless. Why would he put a different school instead? Is it more prestigious, nicer, etc? If he could be convinced to transfer the title to his parents before you marry, then that's a proposition you could make. I would actually draw a prenup with this guy. I believe in them, and think they cause less problems in the marriage since it could eliminate some shared mistakes that would lead to a divorce. It's something to consider is you still plan on marrying him. Definitely talk to a lawyer.

[Batya33]

I was going to suggest prenup too and o hope this isn’t splitting hairs but it’s one thing to have a prenup where there is trust but let’s say other people to protect like ones children or family members etc. another when the core reason is lack of trust of that person. That would make the marriage seem tainted and why bother.

[Wiseman2]

Chronic lying is a huge problem, where there is one there is often many. Also it becomes a knee-jerk habit. People don't lie because they "forgot".

 

The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to shady behavior lying and fraud. Get out now. This is heavily ingrained and reinforced and normalized by his family. It will get worse, not better. Move out do not mingle finances. Change all your passwords and passcodes now. Check your credit report and bank statements. Close any joint accounts.

it’s his name on the car title. It’s his car, just that his family is paying for it and driving it, and have their name under the insurance.

[abitbroken]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

 

To clarify some things, it’s his name on the car title. It’s his car, just that his family is paying for it and driving it, and have their name under the insurance. They don’t want assets under his moms name cuz supposedly that would make her insurance increase.

 

 

That is horse pucky. Her insurance goes up if she has made too many claims or adds a car -- but she is paying insurance on said car so it makes ZERO sense for her to put it under anyone else's name. Honestly, the more cars you have on a policy, the more of a DISCOUNT you get. Either he is not telling you the truth or she is pulling a fast one or both. This move has no logic whatsoever.

 

the problem is that his lies just keep growing. Its like a snowball rolling down a hill.

 

If you marry this guy -- he will balk at you having a problem with finances being intertwined with family. you will be one voice against the mob. you may find you cannot buy a home or other asset together because he already has too many loans out in his name for family members, etc. They will all strongarm YOU as the selfish person who wants the finances of her and her husband separate from the mob

[reinventmyself]

I was married to someone much like your bf. He came from a large family where the lines of moral conduct were blurry at times. I didn't think it would impact our lives but in the end, after 18 years of marriage we had a life time of occasions where our values clashed over financial matters and those `little white lies' that you've just got done describing.

 

I am very much by the book. My values and views about how to handle money are firm.

 

My ex was all over the map and would do whatever benefiting him in the moment. His entire family (8 kids) are exact same way. It was a knee jerk reaction to spin the truth when answering to me.

 

All I can say is if this is the way he was brought up, you will have to consider this his relative normal way of conducting his life. Family matrix's run deep.

 

You get to decide if you can live with it.

[abitbroken]

my ex's family was similar to this and mommy bought a condo - that she took him to look at. And i accidentally received the "thank you" email from the condo building for their visit for a condo for him..... they were eager to persuade him out of the marriage. I got a sofa i couldn't move and the pets and no vehicle and no house -- he got a condo in mommy's name and a car in mommy's name. And since it was all in mommy's name --- it wasn't his property.

[DancingFool]

This isn't about the car registration as such or the university. These are tip of the iceberg type things and you are 100% correct to be concerned. My advice to you is simple - drop him, run for the hills and don't look back.

 

The lying about the university is not just a lie by itself, it's also about deep personal insecurities that won't go away, it's about pathological kind of behavior that really can't be cured even if he started going to therapy today. This is no small thing and it's a deeply rooted personality problem.

 

The family, from what you are describing are actively engaging in criminal behavior, aka fraud and tax evasion. This can land ALL of you, including you OP if you marry him, in jail. The reason they are putting things under different names, etc, etc, etc, has nothing to do with insurance premiums. As another poster already pointed out, that's a truck load of manure you are being spoon fed. This is serious stuff where they all as a family are helping each other hide income and assets and that can end badly. This is also his family, one you'd be marrying into, and one whose behaviors you are not going to change. He lies, because this is normal for ALL of them and him in particular. It's deeply rooted and you won't change or fix him.

 

In your shoes, I wouldn't even bother getting into explanations or confrontations with him. I'd just tell him that I'm no longer feeling it and end things asap. Forget the trip, get a refund or take a friend with you.