What do adult female friends do together?

[Rihannon]

I need to get out of my shell and make some friends. I'm a married 38 year old woman and my female friendships are not really friendships, just casual acquaintances - we never make plans together, we are merely friendly if we happen to be in the same place and make small talk. I like plenty of people, but I get stuck making these relationships deeper. It feels awkward to force it but nothing develops seemingly naturally. What do adult women do together? I keep asking a couple of women to do specific things like "let's go get coffee" or I invite them to a museum show or a movie. But everyone keeps cancelling and saying they're too busy. I've asked before if a woman wanted to join a class with me, but no takers. My efforts have been spotty, I suppose. Should I just keep at it?

[Batya33]

Before I had children we often met for dinner and movies and sometimes museums.For about 4 years I was part of a women's networking group which involved both professional and personal support. We met for book club (and i just joined a new one which is mostly women). I know of women who often do activities together like working out, volunteering backstage at community theater, etc. After I had my son I rarely go out at night. I meet women friends for lunch and coffee. I've been invited to meet to exercise and swim but haven't been able to make it. i'm actually focused on not focusing on "mom friends". I too get frustrated with flakiness especially when making new friends (we moved to a new city about 9 years ago, from my former city where I'd lived for 43 years).

 

I think volunteer work is a great way to meet people. I volunteer at our local public radio station. Last time I invited a friend to join me (she didn't). I do actually spend a lot of time on the phone with my close female friends -sort of like phone dates - because we're too busy to get out and meet (I clean while I talk, etc).

 

I know it's hard and to me it's always been worth it over the last 40 plus years that I've had close female friends.

[Seraphim]

Go out for coffee, a drink, lunch, dinner, movies etc

[Jibralta]

It’s a challenge at this age. People are busy with career and family obligations and don’t necessarily want to complicate their lives with additional relationships (read:responsibilities).

 

Do you have any hobby-like interests? Why don’t you take a class in a subject that interests you, and go enjoy yourself outside of the house? A class environment will provide some opportunities for socializing and possibly even friendships.

 

I took a couple of evening classes this past year. Craft-type stuff. We all work on our own projects, but there’s conversation and banter. It’s really pleasant and social and not too deep or overwhelming. I really enjoy it—when I have the time!!!

[Seraphim]

A lot of 30’s something women are raising kids and have no time. I know I didn’t. Now in my 50’s I have time.

[Batya33]

A lot of 30’s something women are raising kids and have no time. I know I didn’t. Now in my 50’s I have time.

 

I was single in my 30s and worked around the clock. Several of my friends were raising kids. I often traveled to the suburbs to see them with their kids. One time that didn't work out well. I traveled almost 2 hours to see my friend. She had 2 young kids. We sat at her kitchen table chatting but the kids apparently were bored and she commented that it was hard because they had no one to play with (i.e. I hadn't brought any kids). Well, right but she knew that. Either that time or the next time I came out there I spent more time with her kids (I read them a story). On the flip side when I had my son it was hard when I had to bring my child with me. One time, when he was a toddler I was following him around the playground and my friend, who'd come to visit, wouldn't walk around with me and chat (I wasn't playing with him, just supervising) so that didn't work out well. But, another time, a friend came out to where we were staying with family friends and helped me carry my baby in his stroller up a flight of steps, and helped entertain him during our lunch, etc. I so appreciated that.

 

So I'll add, OP, that you might want to offer to hang out with your friend and her kids and if you're comfortable and it's appropriate, tell your friend that if she needs to take a shower, etc that you'll watch her child. I've done that for friends. It can be a lifesaver LOL!

[j.man]

If you want activity dates (beyond parties, coffee dates, etc), you'd be better off with the activities being your first step, gaining friends while engaging in that known mutual interest. Especially with something like a fitness class, there's no reason not to simply sign up and do some socializing prior to and after the class itself. As others have noted, people tend to get busier and you've got both having to go out of one's way and the fact that may not be a choice activity of theirs working against you.

[Seraphim]

I was single in my 30s and worked around the clock. Several of my friends were raising kids. I often traveled to the suburbs to see them with their kids. One time that didn't work out well. I traveled almost 2 hours to see my friend. She had 2 young kids. We sat at her kitchen table chatting but the kids apparently were bored and she commented that it was hard because they had no one to play with (i.e. I hadn't brought any kids). Well, right but she knew that. Either that time or the next time I came out there I spent more time with her kids (I read them a story). On the flip side when I had my son it was hard when I had to bring my child with me. One time, when he was a toddler I was following him around the playground and my friend, who'd come to visit, wouldn't walk around with me and chat (I wasn't playing with him, just supervising) so that didn't work out well. But, another time, a friend came out to where we were staying with family friends and helped me carry my baby in his stroller up a flight of steps, and helped entertain him during our lunch, etc. I so appreciated that.

 

So I'll add, OP, that you might want to offer to hang out with your friend and her kids and if you're comfortable and it's appropriate, tell your friend that if she needs to take a shower, etc that you'll watch her child. I've done that for friends. It can be a lifesaver LOL!

 

I found being a special needs mom isolating to be truthful no one wants your kid for a play date. Not that they had them when my son was little but no one wants to hang with you. My son got invited to ONE birthday his entire grade school years and it was for another child with a disability.

[Wiseman2]

It may be a good idea to reach out and do the inviting. Meaning treating the first time. For example invite them over for lunch or drinks on the patio etc. Make sure it's a bit in advance and not when people are typically working, have their kids or are home with their families. Alternately invite them with their bfs/spouses/families to a BBQ at your home etc. Make sure you're a good listener and ask interested, but not nosy questions as well as inviting them into your life without confiding too much or trying to get too deep right away. Try not to invite them to something too obligating like a class or where varying tastes are involved. For example people may not like museums, a particular movie or to drop everything just to meet for coffee.

I keep asking a couple of women to do specific things like "let's go get coffee" or I invite them to a museum show or a movie. But everyone keeps cancelling and saying they're too busy.

[Batya33]

I found being a special needs mom isolating to be truthful no one wants your kid for a play date. Not that they had them when my son was little but no one wants to hang with you. My son got invited to ONE birthday his entire grade school years and it was for another child with a disability.

 

I have two good friends who have sons on the spectrum and a number of other acquaintances. One stopped responding to my messages/e-mails a few years ago (we had a number of playdates with her son, went well just like any other playdate with boys- and we got along great -no falling out). My other friend I hadn't seen in two years because she messages me for a playdate, I respond promptly with our availability (usually flexible or reasonably so) and then silence from her end. What was really ironic was a few years ago when we went to see her husband perform. Traveled a distance to do so. And one of her first comments about my son (same age as hers) was how much taller her son was. My son is short. And he was old enough to potentially overhear and be hurt . I would have thought that she would be extra sensitive to differences like that. And yes I saw her after and let it go.

 

We had a playdate last week. It went well. My son is very chill with people who might say or do different things However she was not chill. She was very concerned about her son not interacting with mine (which was fine -they were playing in a pool and my son made efforts to suggest games, to swim with him, etc -he likes him!), she commented a number of times that my son seemed "bored". He is 9. He was in a pool. I like for him to be bored at times so he can use his imagination and come up with something all on his own. Totally fine to be bored. I am comfortable and connect with children on the spectrum. My nephew is, for one thing, and I treat children like people -they are not there to be questioned or to entertain me or for me to comment in front of them about who they look like in the family. If he wants to randomly say things to me or ask me questions out of the blue that's fine and I try my best to respond in a way that makes him comfortable to be around me.

 

My friend says the same thing about her friends -she said so in a speech she made that she sent me the video of -that her neighbors' kids won't play with her son. He's smart, he's not aggressive, he is quirky -so what? I would see her again for sure and her son with mine. Anyway, I'm really sorry you've had that experience. It's hard enough to make friends.

[90_hour_sleep]

My girlfriend makes dinner for friends when she has time. Invites them over. Drinks. Dinner. Sometimes they do art projects. Sometimes they go out to shows.

 

Seems to start with making time and space for it to be a part of life. Easy to get lumped into the routine of life where it feels like there is little energy for other things.

 

For reference, my girlfriend is a single mom who also works full time. So she's not drowning in free time. Just something that she prioritizes. She takes the initiative and makes things happen.

[Jibralta]

My girlfriend makes dinner for friends when she has time. Invites them over. Drinks. Dinner. Sometimes they do art projects. Sometimes they go out to shows.

 

Seems to start with making time and space for it to be a part of life. Easy to get lumped into the routine of life where it feels like there is little energy for other things.

 

For reference, my girlfriend is a single mom who also works full time. So she's not drowning in free time. Just something that she prioritizes. She takes the initiative and makes things happen.

 

I think it's different in the case of existing friends. It's easier to make time for those people. Rhiannon posted that she only has acquaintances, and she's having trouble developing them into friendships.

[luminousone]

I have met great friends through volunteering.

 

I met one of my best friends from a yoga class I took. She and I walk every week, and with the walking comes a lot of talking.

 

I have another friend who started up a hiking group through meet-up, so that group does a hike every week, and they have formed a tight bond.

 

Another friend has a motorcycle, and she is in a women's motorcycle group that does group rides.

 

Some people enjoy the wine and art activities. Others love folk dancing.

 

My church has a book group going for the summer (5 people per group ) and I am really getting to know those people well.

 

A coworker has just organized a science night where they watch a chemistry lesson on dvd, and then watch a segment of the show, "Genius".

 

My doctor had a journal group that met each month for dinner to discuss the latest published articles/research. They did it for years and it became a very social thing as well as professional.

 

It all depends on what you love to do, and if you do it on a regular basis then you get to know others that like to do similar things.

 

Don't give up on your current friends, but look for some new ones that want to go do the same things you want to do.

[Batya33]

I have met great friends through volunteering.

 

I met one of my best friends from a yoga class I took. She and I walk every week, and with the walking comes a lot of talking.

 

I have another friend who started up a hiking group through meet-up, so that group does a hike every week, and they have formed a tight bond.

 

Another friend has a motorcycle, and she is in a women's motorcycle group that does group rides.

 

Some people enjoy the wine and art activities. Others love folk dancing.

 

My church has a book group going for the summer (5 people per group ) and I am really getting to know those people well.

 

A coworker has just organized a science night where they watch a chemistry lesson on dvd, and then watch a segment of the show, "Genius".

 

My doctor had a journal group that met each month for dinner to discuss the latest published articles/research. They did it for years and it became a very social thing as well as professional.

 

It all depends on what you love to do, and if you do it on a regular basis then you get to know others that like to do similar things.

 

Don't give up on your current friends, but look for some new ones that want to go do the same things you want to do.

 

Such cool ideas!!

[Seraphim]

I have two good friends who have sons on the spectrum and a number of other acquaintances. One stopped responding to my messages/e-mails a few years ago (we had a number of playdates with her son, went well just like any other playdate with boys- and we got along great -no falling out). My other friend I hadn't seen in two years because she messages me for a playdate, I respond promptly with our availability (usually flexible or reasonably so) and then silence from her end. What was really ironic was a few years ago when we went to see her husband perform. Traveled a distance to do so. And one of her first comments about my son (same age as hers) was how much taller her son was. My son is short. And he was old enough to potentially overhear and be hurt . I would have thought that she would be extra sensitive to differences like that. And yes I saw her after and let it go.

 

We had a playdate last week. It went well. My son is very chill with people who might say or do different things However she was not chill. She was very concerned about her son not interacting with mine (which was fine -they were playing in a pool and my son made efforts to suggest games, to swim with him, etc -he likes him!), she commented a number of times that my son seemed "bored". He is 9. He was in a pool. I like for him to be bored at times so he can use his imagination and come up with something all on his own. Totally fine to be bored. I am comfortable and connect with children on the spectrum. My nephew is, for one thing, and I treat children like people -they are not there to be questioned or to entertain me or for me to comment in front of them about who they look like in the family. If he wants to randomly say things to me or ask me questions out of the blue that's fine and I try my best to respond in a way that makes him comfortable to be around me.

 

My friend says the same thing about her friends -she said so in a speech she made that she sent me the video of -that her neighbors' kids won't play with her son. He's smart, he's not aggressive, he is quirky -so what? I would see her again for sure and her son with mine. Anyway, I'm really sorry you've had that experience. It's hard enough to make friends.

 

I think it is a great many people do not understand different. My best friend now also has an adult child with autism so we both understand each other’s lives and the intricacies of each other‘s child and can be patient.

[Batya33]

I think it is a great many people do not understand different. My best friend now also has an adult child with autism so we both understand each other’s lives and the intricacies of each other‘s child and can be patient.

 

And I think that is a general issue, not child-specific. Meaning they likely would not be open to interacting with adults who were not typical in some way. Their loss.

[melancholy123]

I had the same problem when we lived on a farm in a rural area. It was not good for me, mentally. I felt isolated and I had two young kids to take care of. My husband was self employed and he was busy all over the area with his work and I really felt lost. Ultimately I decided to take guitar lessons which was a brilliant idea in the end! I met more kids and teens than adults, but I did meet like-minded adults. When I got good enough I joined a band, which was great! My teacher was in a classic rock band and they played a lot and I met many people that way and ended up a backup singer in their band from time to time!

 

I've moved since then and am almost back at square one in my new area, tho I have met people but we are not friends, just people we yack to when out walking etc. So it's tough sometimes to find a friend. I've had hopes for one nice friend here who really is a friend but I havent found her yet. I won't give up tho!

 

My husband was a Scouts Canada leader so volunteering is a great way to meet people. Now he joined a hiking group who meet one morning a week. I dont care to do that, they walk up what are like mountains to me, so I'll pass on that.

 

Do consider volunteering somewhere.

[catfeeder]

Consider how much of the downturn is from a temporary divergence versus a lack of mutual simpatico in the first place. I kept loose touch with friends who were knee deep in diapers to preserve our future potential, but otherwise I moved my focus onto cultivating new friendships through my own interests in classes, volunteer and civic groups, reunions with cousins and old friends through social media. There's also meetup.org for finding any number of groups who pursue shared interests that welcome newcomers to join.

 

None of us can homogenize as well as we could when we were kids. As adults we've solidified into our own personalities and won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's true of everyone. It means that our days of finding one 'bestie' who satisfies our 'everything' are outgrown, but as adults we can form different kinds and degrees of friendship to meet different needs.

 

As we learn to respect the limits of others, we find one or two shared bonds of commonality and form basic acquaintances that may or may not evolve into a deeper friendship someday. Over time you may stumble into a rare simpatico, and closeness evolves from a combo plate of persistence and chemistry. We don't have this with most people, and that's natural. We each hold unique value, so match your puzzle pieces to those of others, and it's nobody's 'fault' whenever those don't fit.

 

Just keep at it, and head high.