Sunrise Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Question 1: Can a man (not woman) genuinely find a woman very attractive physically but still not feel intense feelings for her or want to be with her? Question 2: Can a man (not woman) genuinely find a woman very attractive physically, think she has a great personality as well, but still not feel intense feelings for her or want to be with her? Yes to both. Sometimes something can be missing. Or there may be a lack of compatibility, a lack of connection. Just a ...not feeling it..y'know. Link to comment
Sunrise Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 All the guys who liked me and wanted to pursue me but who I rejected - I had reasons, I can pinpoint why They are not tall, or handsome enough, they are too clingy, not great. I can articulate why I don't feel intense attraction and feelings for them. So by extension, he makes me think there must be something missing, not up to par with me which makes him not form intense attraction to the point of wanting to commit and want me and only me forever. I mean if I am 10/10, I guess he could have more easily fallen already, could he not? Well, you snoop on a regular basis, you shout at him, you are very jealous and insecure. You stick with him despite knowing he's not invested. Those are not positive qualities. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Well, you snoop on a regular basis, you shout at him, you are very jealous and insecure. You stick with him despite knowing he's not invested. Those are not positive qualities. There are no perfect people. What is 10/10? Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Share Posted May 31, 2018 Well, you snoop on a regular basis, you shout at him, you are very jealous and insecure. You stick with him despite knowing he's not invested. Those are not positive qualities. Yea, which makes me think it was MY problem and not his. And that if I weren't those things, he would feel it and want to be with me and become invested. Which is why I still have hope. I just need to get rid of all those bad qualities and behaviours. Agree or disagree? Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Yea, which makes me think it was MY problem and not his. And that if I weren't those things, he would feel it and want to be with me and become invested. Which is why I still have hope. I just need to get rid of all those bad qualities and behaviours. Agree or disagree? I wouldn't know unless I asked him. My exbf replaced me with a woman who is controlling, tempestuous, vengeful, and smart enough to execute these traits effectively. They've been together 3 or 4 years now. He cheats on her, I'm sure, and maybe she cheats on him too - he thinks so. It's just how they are and they seem to choose to stay together. I used to counsel him that she was a poor choice. Now I see how well matched they are. Her behavior makes her feel secure, and him too. There is NO 10/10. You are okay the way you are. Just not for this man. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Question 1: Can a man (not woman) genuinely find a woman very attractive physically but still not feel intense feelings for her or want to be with her? YES - I have very close male friend who is hot as heck, but I don't have any romantic feelings for him. Question 2: Can a man (not woman) genuinely find a woman very attractive physically, think she has a great personality as well, but still not feel intense feelings for her or want to be with her? YES My male friend for example is handsome, we get along great and has the best personality, but he has some traits that wouldn't make him an ideal partner - for me. It doesn't take anything away from him. It's just the way it is. Simple as that. I think you try to make this more complicated than it needs to be. Link to comment
Sunrise Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Yea, which makes me think it was MY problem and not his. And that if I weren't those things, he would feel it and want to be with me and become invested. Which is why I still have hope. I just need to get rid of all those bad qualities and behaviours. Agree or disagree? I tend to disagree. Here's why. He doesn't seem to care if you change or not. He's there, he's with you and he's doesn't seem to insist or hope that you change. He obviously knows your good points, yet he doesn't connect with you. If he did, he'd be insisting that you stop this behavior, he'd be upset when you snoop, he'd be talking to you about the jealousy. He'd be driven crazy because he loves you despite the bad behaviour. Instead it seems he's fine enough not requesting you change as long as you don't request anything more from him. I really think he likes you despite the bad behaviour but just not enough for a true connection. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 Yea, which makes me think it was MY problem and not his. And that if I weren't those things, he would feel it and want to be with me and become invested. Which is why I still have hope. I just need to get rid of all those bad qualities and behaviours. Agree or disagree? So basically what you are getting out of this is you need to be someone different? How about you be you and hold out for someone better suited for you, and in the meantime work on believing you deserve a loving, compatible partner Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Share Posted May 31, 2018 He stopped contact for like a month after I confessed I snooped. He insisted I stop when I was angry and shout accuses at him, he explained and reasoned with me for days until I keep nagging and was super mad, then he said I need to stop otherwise he won't speak to me, or cut contact if I continue that behaviour... I don't know, I am confused :( And thanks for talking to me Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 OP, You are smart and choosing to have a blind spot. I say this because certain comments are ignored, and these tend to be the comments that try to help you think differently. Perhaps you prefer having someone to feel anxious about, as a way to have something exciting to think about (I have done this; I don't mean that in any way except as an idea to think about.) Get this: 1. Its YOUR life. Spend it how you want. 2. If your experiences teach you to change your behavior, then do! Do it for the NEXT opportunity, do it for yourself, do it to enjoy new challenges and rewards. 3. Growth and change brings its own rewards. ALWAYS do it out of respect for yourself. DO NOT DO IT TO EARN SOMEONE ELSE'S APPROVAL. NEVER give away that power, to anyone. 4. YOU APPROVE OF YOURSELF AND THAT IS ENOUGH. Know that you are growing and changing, and therefore you will have new skills tomorrow that you did not have today. That's a good thing. Who you are today is worthy of your own approval, and will be tomorrow, and for all of your days. 5. To live is to be human. To be human is to have traits that can both help and hurt us. Each trait we have is both a strength and a flaw. Therefore, expect you will have flaws and see that each flaw is also a strength. For example, your snooping = inquisitive, resourceful. Your tolerance of this friendship = loyalty, determination. 6. Invest yourself wisely. Use your skills to further your goals and to be kind to yourself and others. The rest will solve itself. This man will fall off your radar eventually. He provides a distraction from other parts of your life that are stagnant. Focus on those stagnant parts, and feel the boost forward that will give you. Go forth and shine, OP. If this man follows you and wants you to shine, he will show up on his own. Feel free to let him go without worry. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 He stopped contact for like a month after I confessed I snooped. He insisted I stop when I was angry and shout accuses at him, he explained and reasoned with me for days until I keep nagging and was super mad, then he said I need to stop otherwise he won't speak to me, or cut contact if I continue that behaviour... I don't know, I am confused :( And thanks for talking to me I recall therapy has been mentioned to you before. I am sorry that this is such a struggle for you, but I also have the sense that we aren't qualified to give your the answers you are looking for. At least not ones that would make a difference. You mentioned therapy was expensive. It may very well be but it's funny how we can justify the money for new couch, or car or fancy trip. But we have a knee jerk reaction to investing in our own emotional health and if that means going to therapy, then that's what some do. I've been. I've gone back more than once. It's been one of the best investments I've ever made. Surprisingly enough, when I thought I couldn't afford, I found a way. Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted May 31, 2018 Author Share Posted May 31, 2018 I also have access to his dating apps - which he recently reinstalled after our serious argument and when he said 'we aint working'. He hasn't really talking to anyone but there are matches and stuff This is super unhealthy and if and when he does talk to someone really attractive I will go super angry potentially unmatch and delete the girl too. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I also have access to his dating apps - which he recently reinstalled after our serious argument and when he said 'we aint working'. He hasn't really talking to anyone but there are matches and stuff This is super unhealthy and if and when he does talk to someone really attractive I will go super angry potentially unmatch and delete the girl too. If you aren't willing to consider any advise given and are determined to obsess about him, I am not sure what else to say. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted May 31, 2018 Share Posted May 31, 2018 I also have access to his dating apps - which he recently reinstalled after our serious argument and when he said 'we aint working'. He hasn't really talking to anyone but there are matches and stuff This is super unhealthy and if and when he does talk to someone really attractive I will go super angry potentially unmatch and delete the girl too. Um, wow. Stop yourself. You need some self control and maybe, someone else to help you gain self control (first) and some new perspectives (second). "We ain't workin" is pretty clear. Your access to his apps and willingness to use it is a gross violation of his privacy and his boundaries. If you want a stable mutually respectful relationship, then you need to practice skills of being stable and respectful. Blowing up at a man whom you are no longer dating and logging in as him on OLD is neither stable nor respectful behavior. You have the power to choose your behavior. And you are responsible for those choices. If you say you want to change your behavior as you did several posts ago, then DO NOT use his log on for any sites, ever. Stay out of his business and mind your own. Find a way to wish him well. Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted June 1, 2018 Author Share Posted June 1, 2018 Um, wow. Stop yourself. You need some self control and maybe, someone else to help you gain self control (first) and some new perspectives (second). "We ain't workin" is pretty clear. Your access to his apps and willingness to use it is a gross violation of his privacy and his boundaries. If you want a stable mutually respectful relationship, then you need to practice skills of being stable and respectful. Blowing up at a man whom you are no longer dating and logging in as him on OLD is neither stable nor respectful behavior. You have the power to choose your behavior. And you are responsible for those choices. If you say you want to change your behavior as you did several posts ago, then DO NOT use his log on for any sites, ever. Stay out of his business and mind your own. Find a way to wish him well. I was being unreasonable and mean to him and we argued then he downloaded. He then assured me he is not speaking to anyone at all. And we still went on dates and had sex. I don't want him to date and fall for some other girls. I cannot wish him well on that front. Yes, I want to become better. But I cannot bear the thought of him liking and desiring some other girls more than me........ Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I was being unreasonable and mean to him and we argued then he downloaded. He then assured me he is not speaking to anyone at all. And we still went on dates and had sex. I don't want him to date and fall for some other girls. I cannot wish him well on that front. Yes, I want to become better. But I cannot bear the thought of him liking and desiring some other girls more than me........Please see your doctor for a referral to a therapist that hopefully will help you. No disrespect intended but you are a bunny boiler and it's not fair to you that you allow yourself to suffer without getting appropriate help with learning how to maintain basic personal and relationship boundaries. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I was being unreasonable and mean to him and we argued then he downloaded. He then assured me he is not speaking to anyone at all. And we still went on dates and had sex. I don't want him to date and fall for some other girls. I cannot wish him well on that front. Yes, I want to become better. But I cannot bear the thought of him liking and desiring some other girls more than me........ The only person you can control is yourself, and you are responsible only for your own choices. Nobody else gets to tell you who you like who you wish to date and who you don't. You do not get to have a say over who he dates or sleeps with or likes or doesn't. Not even as his gf or his wife. You only get to choose whether you choose him and whether you choose to stay with him (or whomever). You may be uncomfortable thinking of him with others,and that's not unusual. Most everyone has had to deal with those kinds of emotions. People choose many tools to build emotional resilience and cope with the pain etc. First off, we can choose what we think about. Practice thinking about something else. Do a hard and physical project like building something Learn a new skill that requires class time etc. Go to the movies. Go for a run. You will get through it. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 If you aren't willing to consider any advise given and are determined to obsess about him, I am not sure what else to say. I was going to say the same thing. OP, it seems you are totally ignoring what everyone has been saying and just continue on and on about how you can't and won't accept that he can like another girl more than you. What exactly are you wanting from us? You have 92 replies and all you are focused on is how you can't accept anything. Your obsession is really unhealthy and many have already advised you seek professional help. What do you intend doing about that? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 "Why why why WHY???!!!" will get you nowhere. Why doesn't the man I like like me? No one knows! There is no possible way to quantify why someone wants to be with us and someone else doesn't. And there is no magic formula that will make someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with us change their mind. You just keep repeating "why why WHY????!!!" That is an endless circle that will get you nowhere. But I can guarantee that snooping, shouting and berating someone is not and never will be a way to get them to want to be in a relationship with you. I'm not sure why (there's that word!) you thought those tactics would work. Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted June 1, 2018 Share Posted June 1, 2018 I was going to say the same thing. OP, it seems you are totally ignoring what everyone has been saying and just continue on and on about how you can't and won't accept that he can like another girl more than you. What exactly are you wanting from us? You have 92 replies and all you are focused on is how you can't accept anything. Your obsession is really unhealthy and many have already advised you seek professional help. What do you intend doing about that? Im surprised its taken 10 pages for folks to realize this. The last post, when she did the exact same thing and snooped found out he was cheating and stayed anyway went 12 pages. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=541713 shes not looking for help shes looking for a fix that will keep the status quo. Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 "Why why why WHY???!!!" will get you nowhere. Why doesn't the man I like like me? No one knows! There is no possible way to quantify why someone wants to be with us and someone else doesn't. And there is no magic formula that will make someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with us change their mind. You just keep repeating "why why WHY????!!!" That is an endless circle that will get you nowhere. But I can guarantee that snooping, shouting and berating someone is not and never will be a way to get them to want to be in a relationship with you. I'm not sure why (there's that word!) you thought those tactics would work. That is why, I think, if I stop doing those things, the outcome will be different... Link to comment
blueowl32 Posted June 2, 2018 Author Share Posted June 2, 2018 Im surprised its taken 10 pages for folks to realize this. The last post, when she did the exact same thing and snooped found out he was cheating and stayed anyway went 12 pages. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=541713 shes not looking for help shes looking for a fix that will keep the status quo. He didn't actually cheat. I was not with him and haven't seen him for one year then. I spoke to the girl and confirmed they made out but no sex.. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 That is why, I think, if I stop doing those things, the outcome will be different... Sigh... The damage is already done. But even if it wasn't...he has clearly told you he does not feel the way you do. Changing your behavior will not bring about the desired result. Do you feel it is impossible for him to not feel the way you do about him? Link to comment
Jibralta Posted June 2, 2018 Share Posted June 2, 2018 Please tell me what is the best course of action from now You have two choices. 1. Stop dating this guy. He has never, ever been trustworthy. Find a partner that you can trust. Or 2. Resign yourself to a life of paranoia, self-hatred, and shame. Link to comment
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