Did sth shameful and lost now

[IAmFCA]

What is an sth?

[DancingFool]

"he never opened up his world to me but so generously shared so much with this stranger girl,"

 

^this is why you need to drop this guy and walk away for good. You are stuck in this crazy loop with him where you keep trying to prove yourself to him, but at the same time, he tells you a little of what you want to hear, sleeps with you, BUT otherwise doesn't let you into his life. I know you want to jump in with, but I am so jealous and crazy. Well.....you wouldn't BE so jealous and crazy if he included you in his life like a normal person. His behavior makes you insecure, would make most women insecure, you then act crazy and so round and round you go. It's toxic and you need to end this loop, find your self respect and get rid of him.

 

There is a good man out there for you where you will feel like you are #1 in his life and also safe and secure in your relationship. This guy is not it.

[blueowl32]

"he never opened up his world to me but so generously shared so much with this stranger girl,"

 

^this is why you need to drop this guy and walk away for good. You are stuck in this crazy loop with him where you keep trying to prove yourself to him, but at the same time, he tells you a little of what you want to hear, sleeps with you, BUT otherwise doesn't let you into his life. I know you want to jump in with, but I am so jealous and crazy. Well.....you wouldn't BE so jealous and crazy if he included you in his life like a normal person. His behavior makes you insecure, would make most women insecure, you then act crazy and so round and round you go. It's toxic and you need to end this loop, find your self respect and get rid of him.

 

There is a good man out there for you where you will feel like you are #1 in his life and also safe and secure in your relationship. This guy is not it.

 

Why will he not open up to me? Will he open up to other women? Is it just me or the same for all woman? He has never gone this far (as he is with me) with any other women. But he admitted he has strong crushes for people before when he was younger. There was this girl which he still really fancied from college even after graduation and not having seen her for 3 years. He looked her up on social media a lot, wrote about her fondly and just have a super soft spot for her. He has now got over but my point is the crush was so strong and lasted for years. So he is capable of making women feel secure? He is capable.

 

I swear (in the humblest way possible) I am a lot a lot more attractive objectively than this girl (not the crush) he was sharing videos and photos with.

 

I do not understand why won't he feel it for me. Why he doesn't reciprocate the same intensity of feelings.

[yatsue]

he never intended to? I think he did

he wanted it to happen but he just doesn't feel that way (in part because of my bad behaviour and chasing, making him walk on egg shells etc)

 

Then he needs to stop leading you on, thinking you will eventually become his gf, when in fact he will never make you one. It has been more than enough time for him to make you his gf. You really need to face the music: he wants a gf, which is never going to be you and is using you because of familiarity/convenience in the meantime until he finds another girl, then dumps you for her.

 

He is doing you an injustice here and you are acting the way you are because he is messing with you like this. It is not your personality, it is him that's the problem. Please do not defend him. He knows what he's doing to you and it's not fair. He is being selfish and leading you on with BS like he "cares for you", "wants to make you a gf", etc. They are just meaningless, pretty words in order for you to keep hanging on to him. You fail to see them for what they are.

 

Open your eyes. You need to cut him out of your life, or he inevitably will once he gets tired of playing with you. At that point, you would have wasted so much time on someone who doesn't deserve it instead of finding someone who does. You should never try to morph into someone else's standards, especially when the person in question causes those same doubts they have in you. He doesn't reciprocate your feelings because he simply just doesn't want to. Please move on and stop trying to placate a person who is being awful to you. A good hearted person would never mess with a person's feelings like this.

[DancingFool]

Why will he not open up to me? Will he open up to other women? Is it just me or the same for all woman? He has never gone this far (as he is with me) with any other women. But he admitted he has strong crushes for people before when he was younger. There was this girl which he still really fancied from college even after graduation and not having seen her for 3 years. He looked her up on social media a lot, wrote about her fondly and just have a super soft spot for her. He has now got over but my point is the crush was so strong and lasted for years. So he is capable of making women feel secure? He is capable.

 

I swear (in the humblest way possible) I am a lot a lot more attractive objectively than this girl (not the crush) he was sharing videos and photos with.

 

I do not understand why won't he feel it for me. Why he doesn't reciprocate the same intensity of feelings.

 

Usually people act the way he does because they are emotionally damaged goods and no, you can't fix him or make him better. Yes, very often they will be super nice to strangers, but very closed off to someone they know better or longer. Yes, it's messed up. But this is exactly why you need to get rid of him. If you want a happy healthy relationship with a guy who makes smile and feel safe you need to seek that man out. When you are involved with someone who is damaged, he'll just drag you down to his level. Always.

 

You are NOT in a competition with any other woman on earth for any man and don't you ever stoop so low or be so pathetic. I'm serious. No man is worth that. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you is NOT a reflection on you, your attractiveness, or your worth. It's simply a difference in tastes. Think of it more like favorite flavor of ice cream. You might try different flavors, but if you have to have only one forever, you'll go with your favorite one. Different people have different tastes. I am certain that you have met plenty of men who are objectively attractive, but you just weren't interested in them and that's that. That doesn't make them damaged or broken.

 

You are tying your self worth and self esteem to this guy wanting a relationship with you and you are going to destroy yourself doing it. Not only will you not gain self worth, but you'll lose your sanity in the long run.

 

Please get away from this toxic mess and stop telling yourself that this guy is worth anything. He isn't.

[blueowl32]

Usually people act the way he does because they are emotionally damaged goods and no, you can't fix him or make him better. Yes, very often they will be super nice to strangers, but very closed off to someone they know better or longer. Yes, it's messed up. But this is exactly why you need to get rid of him. If you want a happy healthy relationship with a guy who makes smile and feel safe you need to seek that man out. When you are involved with someone who is damaged, he'll just drag you down to his level. Always.

 

You are NOT in a competition with any other woman on earth for any man and don't you ever stoop so low or be so pathetic. I'm serious. No man is worth that. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you is NOT a reflection on you, your attractiveness, or your worth. It's simply a difference in tastes. Think of it more like favorite flavor of ice cream. You might try different flavors, but if you have to have only one forever, you'll go with your favorite one. Different people have different tastes. I am certain that you have met plenty of men who are objectively attractive, but you just weren't interested in them and that's that. That doesn't make them damaged or broken.

 

You are tying your self worth and self esteem to this guy wanting a relationship with you and you are going to destroy yourself doing it. Not only will you not gain self worth, but you'll lose your sanity in the long run.

 

Please get away from this toxic mess and stop telling yourself that this guy is worth anything. He isn't.

 

Thanks for your reply Dancing Fool.

 

Are you 100% certain that he is damaged, and it is not just that 'he is not into me'?

 

I am in so many ways similar to his crush - similar demeanour, both spot spoken, super sweet, similar features (face-wise etc) - he said so and I could attest. He thinks I have a great personality and nice but he does not know why/ what is wrong. I saw what he wrote about our earlier dates - he wrote I am very cute, friendly, v attractive and many nice things but he also wrote 'what is wrong?' I keep thinking it was because I was already so into him and read into everything he said he did, making him feel 'not himself' or free or walk on eggshells - lots of pressure basically. I did say / do many mean and crazy things all this time- including snooping and speaking to people he know etc and shout insults at him but he still forgave me and always reason with me patiently -he always came back too. I feel guilty and that it was in large, partly, my fault.

 

Would you be able to tell me that even if I was not crazy and perfectly nice and everything, things wouldn't have turned out differently? How can I believe he is actually emotionally damaged? I used to believe him when he said he is an avoidant and have trouble getting close with people, but when I saw that he could be quite opened and shared a lot with others (such as the stranger girl in question), I start to wonder if that was all just excuse, that he is not emotionally damaged.... Or is this like you said, a sign of damage? Once he gets closer, he will close off, no matter who the girl is?

 

He did write sadly in one of his entries that he think he will be always remain alone..

He doesn't want to be alone, he wants someone. Why then, when I am offering it to him, he won't take it? He certainly finds me attractive and loves spending time with me. Is he, for a fact, emotionally damaged?

 

My issue is that I cannot accept he does not want me. I am a classic anxious attachment person. Thanks for listening. All your messages help.

 

 

He stays in touch and tries to share his life too with old friends (male)

 

I am so similar to one of his serious ex crushes, I must be his type. He also said he likes petite, which I am.

 

I do not understand, and I desperately need answers.

[blueowl32]

edited this in the above

[DancingFool]

Yes, the more information you provide about him, the more obvious that he is damaged goods. He may want what he says he wants, BUT at the same time he can't be that guy. To have what he wants, he'd have to fix himself and address his issues and it would take a long time, years, and a lot of therapy for him to actually accomplish that. Unfortunately, most people in his shoes actually stay exactly as is. They say they want, they just don't want it ENOUGH. This is 100% about him and NOT you at all. You could be the most gorgeous woman in the world, you could give him the world, BUT because he is effed up, it won't matter. When he wrote in his diary that he is always going to be alone, I think he is actually being 100% honest with himself that he really is content with how he is and even if he sometimes would like more, he isn't willing to do what it takes to have it. It's not worth the effort for him. So what it boils down to is that you are wasting your time, your life, your care, your love, your efforts on a person who is NOT capable of giving you what you need. Total waste of your time. Basically, you are making it about yourself, but it's just him and about him, nothing to do with you.

 

If you know that you have anxious attachment, and yes, you do, consider trying some therapy or even self help and working on that. It's not good for you and it will actually stop you from having the life that you want because it makes you cling onto to toxic relationships. You DO deserve better and you CAN do it.

[blueowl32]

Yes, the more information you provide about him, the more obvious that he is damaged goods. He may want what he says he wants, BUT at the same time he can't be that guy. To have what he wants, he'd have to fix himself and address his issues and it would take a long time, years, and a lot of therapy for him to actually accomplish that. Unfortunately, most people in his shoes actually stay exactly as is. They say they want, they just don't want it ENOUGH. This is 100% about him and NOT you at all. You could be the most gorgeous woman in the world, you could give him the world, BUT because he is effed up, it won't matter. When he wrote in his diary that he is always going to be alone, I think he is actually being 100% honest with himself that he really is content with how he is and even if he sometimes would like more, he isn't willing to do what it takes to have it. It's not worth the effort for him. So what it boils down to is that you are wasting your time, your life, your care, your love, your efforts on a person who is NOT capable of giving you what you need. Total waste of your time. Basically, you are making it about yourself, but it's just him and about him, nothing to do with you.

 

If you know that you have anxious attachment, and yes, you do, consider trying some therapy or even self help and working on that. It's not good for you and it will actually stop you from having the life that you want because it makes you cling onto to toxic relationships. You DO deserve better and you CAN do it.

Dancing fool, thanks for your reply.

No, there is an misunderstanding. What he wrote was that - after a night out, as he said bye to his friends (guy and girl), he wrote, there aren't many certainties in life, but me being alone is one of them (he was sad - he does not want to be alone but he thinks he is doomed to that)..He also wrote as a goals for last year (I was away), is to forget old girls, and meet someone. He wants someone. 100% sure. He wants a girlfriend who can also be a best friend, it seems.

[DancingFool]

Dancing fool, thanks for your reply.

No, there is an misunderstanding. What he wrote was that - after a night out, as he said bye to his friends (guy and girl), he wrote, there aren't many certainties in life, but me being alone is one of them (he was sad - he does not want to be alone but he thinks he is doomed to that)..He also wrote as a goals for last year (I was away), is to forget old girls, and meet someone. He wants someone. 100% sure. He wants a girlfriend who can also be a best friend, it seems.

 

Sorry, but no misunderstanding on my part. You are just desperately trying to make excuses for him because of your own issues. I'd really really urge you to work on yourself and address them. There is only one thing, one commodity in life that you can never get back and that is time. You are wasting your time on this planet on a damaged guy who isn't capable of giving you a healthy happy relationship. The time you are wasting, you can never take back and the more time you waste on him, the less chance you have at finding happiness for yourself and having the life that YOU want. If you want to win the Kentucky Derby, you can't ride a pig....does that make sense? Choices have consequences, you are choosing to cling to damaged goods, choose better.

[blueowl32]

Sorry, but no misunderstanding on my part. You are just desperately trying to make excuses for him because of your own issues. I'd really really urge you to work on yourself and address them. There is only one thing, one commodity in life that you can never get back and that is time. You are wasting your time on this planet on a damaged guy who isn't capable of giving you a healthy happy relationship. The time you are wasting, you can never take back and the more time you waste on him, the less chance you have at finding happiness for yourself and having the life that YOU want. If you want to win the Kentucky Derby, you can't ride a pig....does that make sense? Choices have consequences, you are choosing to cling to damaged goods, choose better.

 

 

Dancing fool, why is he damaged? Why do you think he is?

Or is he just not into me rather than damaged?

[DancingFool]

Dancing fool, why is he damaged? Why do you think he is?

Or is he just not into me rather than damaged?

 

Because he is avoidant, detached. Avoidant personality types, btw, are like crack to anxious attachment type. It sends you into a toxic tailspin of trying to prove yourself and trying to "make" them be who you want them to be - open and warm...except they aren't and won't be. At some point you have to have the sense to walk away and seek someone who is actually warm, open, and has healthy attachment. Of course, you do need to fix your attachment issues too. If you don't, you'll just continue the pattern. You might want google the avoidant personality - you might find that helpful.

[blueowl32]

Because he is avoidant, detached. Avoidant personality types, btw, are like crack to anxious attachment type. It sends you into a toxic tailspin of trying to prove yourself and trying to "make" them be who you want them to be - open and warm...except they aren't and won't be. At some point you have to have the sense to walk away and seek someone who is actually warm, open, and has healthy attachment. Of course, you do need to fix your attachment issues too. If you don't, you'll just continue the pattern. You might want google the avoidant personality - you might find that helpful.

Dancing fool, what makes you think he is avoidant except the fact that I said so?

[DancingFool]

Dancing fool, what makes you think he is avoidant except the fact that I said so?

 

You didn't say so or if you did, I missed it. It's what you described about how he behaves at large. Sometimes, it's just easier for strangers to see things because they aren't invested the way that you are. It's difficult to see what's what when you are neck deep in it - that applies to all people btw. That's why these kinds of boards exist and why people seek advice from strangers. Even family and friends sometimes can't give you objective advice because they are too close to the situation.

[blueowl32]

You didn't say so or if you did, I missed it. It's what you described about how he behaves at large. Sometimes, it's just easier for strangers to see things because they aren't invested the way that you are. It's difficult to see what's what when you are neck deep in it - that applies to all people btw. That's why these kinds of boards exist and why people seek advice from strangers. Even family and friends sometimes can't give you objective advice because they are too close to the situation.

 

How he behaves, like how? Any examples?

Thank you!

[reinventmyself]

How he behaves, like how? Any examples?

Thank you!

 

Does it really matter?

What you have in front of you is a man you are physically and emotionally attached to who doesn't want any sort of attachment in return. The reasons do not matter and it doesn't change a thing.

 

I've read your posts here for some time. You have a tendency to become securely attached to someone who keeps you at arms length. If you weren't already struggling with insecurities, this feeds them even further. You need to ask yourself why would you put yourself in this uncomfortable position over and over again?

 

When is it time to break the cycle?

[blueowl32]

Does it really matter?

What you have in front of you is a man you are physically and emotionally attached to who doesn't want any sort of attachment in return. The reasons do not matter and it doesn't change a thing.

 

I've read your posts here for some time. You have a tendency to become securely attached to someone who keeps you at arms length. If you weren't already struggling with insecurities, this feeds them even further. You need to ask yourself why would you put yourself in this uncomfortable position over and over again?

 

When is it time to break the cycle?

 

If he was truly an avoidant which is why he is incapable, I will feel better (at least my ego).

If he was not an avoidant but basically just not into me, despite all I have devoted to him, I feel a lot worse.

 

I know, I think you, dancing fool and a few others have been reading my posts from two years back. All your posts helped - even if only for a while, I go back to him. Thank you for reading my threads since two years ago and always giving me support, advice and help. It really helps that there's a place I can spill my heart out and ask for help. It's always been the same guy. I want him to commit to me and fall in love, I would do anything.

[ThatwasThen]

It's always been the same guy. I want him to commit to me and fall in love, I would do anything.

And that's why he has you hating yourself for snooping and doing inappropriate things in his private social media. What you have is an unhealthy obsession that is triggering you to do despicable things.

 

You would do well to get yourself into therapy to help you to get over your addiction to him. It's not "love" you feel, it's dysfunctional addiction. Just like booze or drugs cause a person who is addicted to those things do inappropriate things which causes them guilt just like your own.

 

Get the help you need to get over your unhealthy and unreciprocated attachment to him.

[Honeycomb8]

It doesn't matter whether he has issues or needs therapy, or isn't into you. He simply isn't the guy for you, and you shouldn't tie your ego or self esteem to another person. I don't know what happened to you as a child to cause you to be so anxious, but you need to zero in on that problem with a therapist. It should never be a case where you have to beg for someone to care about you. That's just very sad =/.

 

Edit

 

I just saw your threads about this guy only back two years...?

Wow what a waste of a life =/. I don't know what I can say to get through to you, but please get the help you need. Talk to friends and family! Get away from him.

[blueowl32]

It doesn't matter whether he has issues or needs therapy, or isn't into you. He simply isn't the guy for you, and you shouldn't tie your ego or self esteem to another person. I don't know what happened to you as a child to cause you to be so anxious, but you need to zero in on that problem with a therapist. It should never be a case where you have to beg for someone to care about you. That's just very sad =/.

 

But why isn't he the guy for me

He will be the guy for some other women one day, but not me. I have a problem with this. I cannot and do not want to accept that. :(

[Honeycomb8]

I read some of your other threads. He sound like an arse and a user.

SURELY you can do better than that?

[Capricorn3]

But why isn't he the guy for me

He will be the guy for some other women one day, but not me. I have a problem with this. I cannot and do not want to accept that. :(

This is a recipe for a very miserable life. Have you ever considered professional counselling to help you figure out where all these issues come from? I think you would benefit from therapy.

[blueowl32]

Is it because I was too eager from the beginning and fell too quick?

That I never gave him the space to miss and chase me?

I need to know what I did wrong.

 

I cannot accept why he had a strong crush with one of his uni friends but not for me - is she that much better than me? I really think I am no less attractive than she is. Is it because my voice is not as soft as hers? or what is it.

 

I want to know why isn't he feeling it for me. But why her?

 

Even if I find a guy who gives me the commitment I need, what if one day there's a new woman in her life and he loves and wants her more than me. This feelings I have felt a few times before, with men I was in a relationship with/ dated before. And it gives me this helpless, sick feeling.

 

I have been considering counselling but never got around to doing that. I should, but they are all so expensive. Need to start looking.

[Honeycomb8]

She could be not as attractive or as smart and he could like her for another reason. It doesn't matter, sometimes liking someone isn't about a set of boxes you tick.

Get the counselling and take at least a year off dating anyone. Otherwise you'll fall into bad patterns again (people can always sense insecurity-some people feed off that and take advantage of it).

[blueowl32]

She could be not as attractive or as smart and he could like her for another reason. It doesn't matter, sometimes liking someone isn't about a set of boxes you tick.

Get the counselling and take at least a year off dating anyone. Otherwise you'll fall into bad patterns again (people can always sense insecurity-some people feed off that and take advantage of it).

 

than what reason? He couldn't tell me what's missing with me - he also said I checked all the boxes and everything. But he just doesn't feel in love.

He said he did have butterfly feelings for me. What is wrong and missing :'(

 

I am not normally THIS insecure but when I am stressed out, and in particular him, brings the worst worst side of me out.