Did sth shameful and lost now

[Honeycomb8]

Is any of what I'm saying to you getting through to you. Or are you just focused on what you perceive to be ways to get him to hopefully care about you the way you want him to?

[blueowl32]

I need to understand that he is truly an avoidant and that he will have problems with future girls, not just me...

[reinventmyself]

I need to understand that he is truly an avoidant and that he will have problems with future girls, not just me...

 

No, no you don't. That is his problem. Not yours.

What you need to do is focus on yourself and why you continue to hyper focus on someone else, while at the same time avoiding and not taking responsibility for your own self care.

 

Accept that in life, there are just some things you will never understand and are not meant to.

 

In the meantime this guy has spelled things out for you.

 

He isn't able to give you what you want.

 

This is all you need to know in order to act on it.

If you chose to stay you are choosing to settle by giving all you have away to someone who does not appreciate it. If you make the choice to stay under these conditions, you can't complain about it at the same time.

 

Or. . you can choose to have some pride, self respect and walk away.

[blueowl32]

It doesn't matter whether he has issues or needs therapy, or isn't into you. He simply isn't the guy for you, and you shouldn't tie your ego or self esteem to another person. I don't know what happened to you as a child to cause you to be so anxious, but you need to zero in on that problem with a therapist. It should never be a case where you have to beg for someone to care about you. That's just very sad =/.

 

Edit

 

I just saw your threads about this guy only back two years...?

Wow what a waste of a life =/. I don't know what I can say to get through to you, but please get the help you need. Talk to friends and family! Get away from him.

 

Indeed it's been a waste. But I always had hope and felt like I was working towards something, then it didn't feel like as much of a waste. There were many times I cut him off and moved on, but it always reverted. I might move again soon and only have few months left here with him anyways now though. Maybe when I move this time, I will move on.

[blueowl32]

Read my post almost two years back, I wrote 'Now he's traveling and I asked him to tell me about his trip. That was few days ago and he never replied to that text, though he's been frequently online. is it obvious that he doesn't like me anymore?'

 

- and now as I snoop, I realised during that whole time I was desperately waiting for days to even hear from him, he was texting that girl he met in his travels at those times... hanging out with her and keeping her updated about his trip after their brief encounter with photos and such....

- And I am definitely a lot more attractive than this girl

- He texted me sporadically during the trip...whilst I was asking him how his trip was

- I asked for pictures and updates about his trip - he gave me almost none. I asked for a bloody postcard as a souvenir. He said he would have to find one and it wasn't easy. Needless to say I got nothing in the end.

 

Looking at old posts make me wake up....

But why would he do nice things for other women but not for me.....

[blueowl32]

he really is not worth anything at all from me

I have done so much for him......

And I am not asking for a lot......

He also said I deserve someone who loves and wants me wholeheartedly without hesitation at all

he said he wanted those feelings to come and it would be really great if he felt the same intensity of emotions

He said he likes me a lot, but not enough. I asked not enough for what, he said not enough for you or me......

 

I am still holding on to the hope that I can change his mind, if I only be cooler and less crazy.

Is everyone adamant that I will not be able to change his mind? Even if I don't have any more issues? This is another reason why it is crucial I find out the reasons why he won't give me what I want.

[reinventmyself]

 

I am still holding on to the hope that I can change his mind, if I only be cooler and less crazy.

 

Hon, unfortunately it does not work that way. If someone has spent enough time with you to know if they have feelings or they don't, then you need to accept what's he's telling you. It's not magically going to change.

 

You typically have intense feelings for someone in towards the beginning or you develop them slowly. But if he has tried and falls behind to point that he can tell you so, he's not going to catch up to where you are at - after the fact.

I am sorry.

At least he's been honest with you.

[blueowl32]

during a night date he started looking frustrated- said he was lost, don't know what he wants in his life (he has a pretty good job and doing quite well), but he often says he is lost

And then he looks so troubled and said sorry he couldn't give me what I want/ need, that he doesn't know what he wants.

[blueowl32]

Hon, unfortunately it does not work that way. If someone has spent enough time with you to know if they have feelings or they don't, then you need to accept what's he's telling you. It's not magically going to change.

 

You typically have intense feelings for someone in towards the beginning or you develop them slowly. But if he has tried and falls behind to point that he can tell you so, he's not going to catch up to where you are at - after the fact.

I am sorry.

At least he's been honest with you.

We have technically speaking only spent 2.5 months together in 2016. And four months this year since my return - but since I left in 2016 I have been accusing him, putting him down and many things. Hence I am guilty and feel it was my fault. He tried more than I did. I was actively ruining things it seems as I was already so resentful.....

 

He planned and booked a fancy place for my birthday and got a bday card.

I said I wanted a present, he didn't get me one in the end. First he said at least give him a catalogue and I sent him couple of internet links of things I want. Then he said choosing something was a lot of stress and he didn't do it (he is extremely indecisive and he really has problems with picking anything)......if he takes me seriously, he would at least get me something right? He did get me a card though.........

 

I have OCD and I am obsessing

[KLease2678]

You should probably tell him what happened and y'all can talk about it. I was a very jealous person and did that stuff to. (With reason) but still. Let him know or else he may not figure out and it will still be eating you alive to figure out who she is. You don't want to stalk her on fb forever like I used to do. If it's a serious relationship or is ever going to be one honesty on both sides is key. Either way out of respect I feel like if a Male is hanging out with another female while In a relationship the one he is in a relationship with should know

[KLease2678]

Wrong one sorry!

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

Consider this:

 

You met a man and decided you want him to give you the kind of interaction you seek.

 

This sort of interaction is not what this man chooses to give.

 

Yet you keep longing for the interaction you seek.

 

----- Let's say you wanted to drive a four door car. You see a two door car for sale. Do you dream that one day the two door will become a 4 door? No, you don't. You accept that you have to let go of what you want, if you accept buying the two door. Or, you keep looking for something that gives you what you want.

 

This man does not give you what you want. Period. Therefore, this man is not who you want. Period.

 

The lesson, the purpose of this relationship of sorts, is for you to see your own avoidant pattern. For what could be more avoidant than looking for a relationship where you know none is to he found? Perhaps you'd rather not find one?

[Sunrise]

A lot of people are blaming the guy for your behaviour. He may have issues OP but so do you. You are responsible for your own actions and they are really not acceptable - cursing at him, shouting, jealousy, snooping repeatedly, unfriending his FB friends. Your behaviour is out of control and I hope you suspect that. It sounds from your post that you do.

 

These things are in you and it is up to you to control them. If you are seeing someone who 'brings out the worst' in you then that is your cue to distance yourself from this person....whether you want to or not. You are basing your own security and on his actions and feelings when instead what you should be doing is making changes in yourself and your personal life so that you can feel secure and safe. You are doing the opposite of this.

 

Look he is probably damaged as well. But I also think he's just not that into you. I'm sorry if that hurts you. But these things happen to ALL of us one time or another. Handle it with grace and MOVE ALONG. Work on yourself, do some deep thinking. You need to both like and love yourself before you will feel good with anyone.

[blueowl32]

OP,

 

Consider this:

 

You met a man and decided you want him to give you the kind of interaction you seek.

 

This sort of interaction is not what this man chooses to give.

 

Yet you keep longing for the interaction you seek.

 

----- Let's say you wanted to drive a four door car. You see a two door car for sale. Do you dream that one day the two door will become a 4 door? No, you don't. You accept that you have to let go of what you want, if you accept buying the two door. Or, you keep looking for something that gives you what you want.

 

This man does not give you what you want. Period. Therefore, this man is not who you want. Period.

 

The lesson, the purpose of this relationship of sorts, is for you to see your own avoidant pattern. For what could be more avoidant than looking for a relationship where you know none is to he found? Perhaps you'd rather not find one?

 

The problem is I suspect he can and want to be a four door car for someone, but why is he so reluctant or incapable of being that for me? This is the recurring question in my head for over a year.

[blueowl32]

A lot of people are blaming the guy for your behaviour. He may have issues OP but so do you. You are responsible for your own actions and they are really not acceptable - cursing at him, shouting, jealousy, snooping repeatedly, unfriending his FB friends. Your behaviour is out of control and I hope you suspect that. It sounds from your post that you do.

 

These things are in you and it is up to you to control them. If you are seeing someone who 'brings out the worst' in you then that is your cue to distance yourself from this person....whether you want to or not. You are basing your own security and on his actions and feelings when instead what you should be doing is making changes in yourself and your personal life so that you can feel secure and safe. You are doing the opposite of this.

 

Look he is probably damaged as well. But I also think he's just not that into you. I'm sorry if that hurts you. But these things happen to ALL of us one time or another. Handle it with grace and MOVE ALONG. Work on yourself, do some deep thinking. You need to both like and love yourself before you will feel good with anyone.

 

Why is he not into me :(

He keeps coming back, he is patient with me, he does enough to make me think (and says so) he does like me a lot and that I mean so so much to him.

[Sunrise]

Why is he not into me :(

He keeps coming back, he is patient with me, he does enough to make me think (and says so) he does like me a lot and that I mean so so much to him.

 

There's no answer for this. He's just not. If he was you would know it. You'd feel loved and wanted and secure. He likes you and he cares for you but not enough. Stop analyzing him. Analyze yourself. Why are you staying with someone that you are insecure with. Why are you with someone you feel you have to snoop on? Why are you with someone who you saw confided more in a stranger than he did with you. That's enough.

[blueowl32]

Question 1: Can a man (not woman) genuinely find a woman very attractive physically but still not feel intense feelings for her or want to be with her?

Question 2: Can a man (not woman) genuinely find a woman very attractive physically, think she has a great personality as well, but still not feel intense feelings for her or want to be with her?

[Annia]

Well, first of all, if you're just dating this guy and it's nothing serious, why are you snooping on him so much? And then to unfriend his female friend? That's crazy jealous.

 

You know this already. The best course of action is not to log into his social accounts again. As to what to do -- do nothing. You're only going to make things worse. If he calls you on it, just deny everything. Don't say anything. It's better to deny everything and make him suspicious than to confirm that you are jealous and can't be trusted. And then you should seriously consider your relationship with him.

 

If he finds out that it's possible to see the logins in his account and she keeps denying and he's smart... he'll see that it was her who logged in. But he doesn't seem smart enough to do that because he doesn't even have his accounts secured with his cellphone and has his passwords on a diary.

 

And to the ones saying she deserves better... I don't know about him but maybe he also deserves something healthier than this. I'd also have problems committing to someone who snoops and does crazy jealous things but at the same time I'd probably not be entertaining this like he is and would've have cut ties after all the craziness. But maybe he lacks self esteem and boundaries too and is insecure to the point of letting her do this without leaving.

[Annia]

But why isn't he the guy for me

He will be the guy for some other women one day, but not me. I have a problem with this. I cannot and do not want to accept that. :(

 

It doesn't matter and it has nothing to do with you or your value. Some people simply don't see us that way and that's fine. It happens. Maybe you've also had guys you liked but didn't fall in love with them. It's ok. What is not ok is that you attach your self worth to someone loving you or not. It's unhealthy. Also you can't make someone love you. No matter what you do if he doesn't want to commit by himself then it won't, no matter how perfect you are or whatever you do. It has nothing to do with you. It's about him. And you need to accept this... if not therapy might help you a lot.

 

But though you are responsible for being obsessed and attached to someone unavailable for 2 years, he's not innocent also because if he was a mature and respectful person he'd have already cut ties with you to let you heal in peace and move on. But he probably likes the ego boost of having a woman obsessed with him.

 

If you don't cut ties with him and move on, it'll hurt more when he suddenly begins dating and having a true relationship with another woman and he'll simply move on and feel great about himself because you two didn't have anything official to begin with.

 

And when I say cutting ties I mean actually breaking up and going no contact for as long as you need to heal and move on.

 

I've been there and done that and believe me, there are other people in the world who can love you the way you want to be loved, you just need to stop wasting your time and emotions with those who don't or won't.

[Annia]

OP,

 

Consider this:

 

You met a man and decided you want him to give you the kind of interaction you seek.

 

This sort of interaction is not what this man chooses to give.

 

Yet you keep longing for the interaction you seek.

 

----- Let's say you wanted to drive a four door car. You see a two door car for sale. Do you dream that one day the two door will become a 4 door? No, you don't. You accept that you have to let go of what you want, if you accept buying the two door. Or, you keep looking for something that gives you what you want.

 

This man does not give you what you want. Period. Therefore, this man is not who you want. Period.

 

The lesson, the purpose of this relationship of sorts, is for you to see your own avoidant pattern. For what could be more avoidant than looking for a relationship where you know none is to he found? Perhaps you'd rather not find one?

 

100% this!

[Annia]

The problem is I suspect he can and want to be a four door car for someone, but why is he so reluctant or incapable of being that for me? This is the recurring question in my head for over a year.

 

Ask your self why you can be a 4 door car for him but are so reluctant or incapable of being that for another man. Does this have anything to do with the worth of the other men? Why do you love some people to be in a relationship with but don't love nor want a relationship with others? Ask yourself these questions and maybe you'll understand that some people simply don't click with others that way and sometimes without a specific reason... and that's ok. Luckily there are many people in the world.

[Annia]

Question 1: yes

Question 2: yes

[blueowl32]

Ask your self why you can be a 4 door car for him but are so reluctant or incapable of being that for another man. Does this have anything to do with the worth of the other men? Why do you love some people to be in a relationship with but don't love nor want a relationship with others? Ask yourself these questions and maybe you'll understand that some people simply don't click with others that way and sometimes without a specific reason... and that's ok. Luckily there are many people in the world.

 

All the guys who liked me and wanted to pursue me but who I rejected - I had reasons, I can pinpoint why

They are not tall, or handsome enough, they are too clingy, not great.

I can articulate why I don't feel intense attraction and feelings for them.

 

So by extension, he makes me think there must be something missing, not up to par with me which makes him not form intense attraction to the point of wanting to commit and want me and only me forever.

 

I mean if I am 10/10, I guess he could have more easily fallen already, could he not?

[IAmFCA]

The problem is I suspect he can and want to be a four door car for someone, but why is he so reluctant or incapable of being that for me? This is the recurring question in my head for over a year.

He likes 4 door cars. He enjoys everything about them. It lacks that IT factor, unless it's a two door manual transmission in a weird yellow metallic color. It may be weird, but it's the combination that works for him. You're a beautiful, exciting luxury sedan with a great engine, and maybe he sees all of those qualities. It's just not IT.

 

OP, people aren't better or worse than one another, when it comes to dating. We fit one another. We sort for x and y traits, then - when we are ready - we stumble into someone that fits, feels stable, feels as simple as brushing your teeth.

 

You might be Everywoman with supernatural powers. If he doesn't have that IT sensation, it really doesn't matter why. It just IS.

 

What gets me is that YOU are desperate to be chosen. What about your right and opportunity to CHOOSE? Exercise your right to choose what you want. His passive manner and inattentiveness is not what you want. That really is all you need to know, with respect to him.

 

With respect to you, you have lots to gain from this long term crush.

 

We tend to act in a way that reflects what we want, at a subconscious level. We float towards some deeply embedded sense of normal - even when that "normal" runs counter to our expressed goals and intentions. You have been trying to get a man to choose you, when you have plenty of evidence that he does not intend to do so.

 

If a relationship is your goal, your behavior is illogical. If feeling loved and wanted is your goal, your behavior is illogical. If you are avoiding a relationship, your behavior is logical. For example, if you fear or expect rejection, one way to protect yourself while fulfilling that expectation is to want someone more than he wants you. This way, you are avoiding a deeper connection, in control of the pace and way you may be "rejected", and fulfilling your expectation and therefore keeping a sense of order /normal.

 

As a side note: it isn't rejection, anyhow. Not of YOU. A decision not to be someone's gf or bf is a statement that that person isn't the best fit for yourself, and is not a judgment of that person. This man may be awesome. He doesn't give you what you want. So, reject what he offers for the purpose of relationship, because it doesn't serve your stated goals.

[IAmFCA]

Question 1: yes

Question 2: yes

 

Concur.

 

I have dated and even loved some amazing men. Really truly amazing. They didn't fit, though. Sometimes I accepted that, sometimes I tried to force it. The results were the same.

 

I have seen men have the same process with me. Have been told more than once, "You are exactly what I want, I thought. Whoever gets you will be among the luckiest men alive. Even so, you're not the best fit for me."

 

Attraction and compatibility are only part of the equation. Values, emotional landscape, interests and activities... many variables to consider when choosing for a long term commitment.