JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 As the title says, I found my bf of 9 months back on the dating site. Things have been off for some time, and I had a feeling something was up. I made a fake profile and let it sit. I didn't seek him out, but he viewed the profile the other day. He spent this past weekend with me and his children, which is why this is so confusing to me. I confronted him about the site and he denies it. Says he deleted his profile and that isnt him using it. The info is updated with his new job and even has a pic of him in a shirt from his new job, which he started after we were together. I'm not an idiot, I don't know of any other plausible explanation other than it is him on the site. But he said he doesnt even have the app on his phone. I just dont believe him. I told him I was too old for these games and if he wasnt happy with me then he needed to just tell me He said he's scared of moving forward, that hes all in except he isnt ready to live together, which is fine with me but its the first I've heard of it. Hes even asked his kids how they would feel if he lived with me. So, he wants to stay together but not live together, yet. But all I can think is he wants to live apart so he can keep messing around. Anyways, I told him to be honest with me about the dating site or leave me alone. He said he would leave me alone and I haven't heard from him since. This all happened last night. I guess I need to know where should I go from here? I'm in shock, to say the least. I know I made that profile for a reason, but I really didnt think, or at least I hoped, that anything would come of it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 I'm sorry, but he was not into the relationship, and he does not see a future. Be glad that you found the site. It's time to move on. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Sorry that you are going thru this ordeal... yes, it stings :(. Been there.. a few times. Honestly... I am not surprised he's on there. So many are.. even when they are involved already. Some go on and will continue to 'chat women up'... once it was said as some kind of 'ego boost'. Obviously the guy is lying... right, you are not dumb. BUT... nothing you can do about this. Is HIS choice. Noo.. do not even think of moving in with someone you've only been involved with for 9 months. Maybe.. if it;s been going well for about 2 yrs... then think on it, WHY rush such an idea? That is something you consider when groundation has been built in a relationship. ( Not when you admit things have been feeling 'off for sometime'. If he lies to you.. then backs out.. sadly, he's not so sure anymore. Yes, it hurts :( But... keep your distance and respect his choice. Do not beg or cry for his attention etc. No contact... keep walking. Don't want or need someone who is not all in it. Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 It's one thing to have relationship problems, or for him to be on the site, but it looks like he's blatantly lying to you now. Don't date a liar. I think you approached this right. Stay silent. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 It appears that your intuition was right on target, and rather than be sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught, (imo). I'm sorry this happened, but you deserve much better. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 Thank you all for your comments. This relationship has kept my anxiety up, but I thought i was just being paranoid and wasnt trusting myself. We hadn't actually planned on living together but we had talked about it, along with marriage. Nothing concrete, though. The fact that he keeps bringing his kids around me, even though he wasn't sure anymore, really confused me. We were also planning a vacation to his parent's, whom I haven't met yet because they live in another state. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Yah, I wouldnt plan on agreeing to jump into all of that- with him. Things are barely getting going & staying stable.. and now he's showing some uncertainty? No... to think on moving in together..marriage..etc.. is all like a 'fantasy'. Is not reality. Can see someone like this acting this way.. only to 'hook you in'.. but will soon enough back out just as fast. Caution for YOU in this kind of thing. Do YOU really see this moving forward in a positive now? Sadly.. I don't :(. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 Do YOU really see this moving forward in a positive now? Sadly.. I don't :(. No, I don't. I would never feel at ease with him. I'd always be wondering what was going on behind my back. And it was all him with the big ideas. He said everything first, so maybe it was just to draw me in. But that makes me want to ask why? Why do people do such things? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 What made you sense "something was up" so that you make this fake profile? Unfortunately it looks like he was shopping around and after you confronted him he left. In the long run you dodged a bullet. bf of 9 months. I told him to be honest with me about the dating site or leave me alone. He said he would leave me alone and I haven't heard from him since. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 What made you sense "something was up" so that you make this fake profile? Unfortunately it looks like he was shopping around and after you confronted him he left. In the long run you dodged a bullet. He seemed to have trouble coming to visit me and sticking to plans. He was out of state for a week for work and was supposed to come see me when he got back and flaked on me the whole day. Kept saying he was coming but has things to do and would head over soon. And he's been doing that a lot, lately. I guess it set my alarm off. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 I am not a fan of the fake profile strategy but I see it confirmed for you what you basically knew. Hopefully your children didn't get attached to him. I'm sorry. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 I am not a fan of the fake profile strategy but I see it confirmed for you what you basically knew. Hopefully your children didn't get attached to him. I'm sorry. My daughter is 16, so she will understand. It's his kids (5 and 7) that concern me. The oldest, especially, warmed up to me quickly whereas she's normally shy. I guess I'm just gonna miss them and I hope this doesnt affect them too much. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 My daughter is 16, so she will understand. It's his kids (5 and 7) that concern me. The oldest, especially, warmed up to me quickly whereas she's normally shy. I guess I'm just gonna miss them and I hope this doesnt affect them too much. Yes. Perhaps next time, since kids don't get dating but get attached, you might choose to wait to meet them more than in passing before you're engaged maybe or very close to getting engaged? Just a suggestion - I see how attached children get to people (even teenagers) but especially younger children. Less convenient for the adults but then so much of parenting and treating children right is about our sacrifice/inconvenience. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 Yes. Perhaps next time, since kids don't get dating but get attached, you might choose to wait to meet them more than in passing before you're engaged maybe or very close to getting engaged? Just a suggestion - I see how attached children get to people (even teenagers) but especially younger children. Less convenient for the adults but then so much of parenting and treating children right is about our sacrifice/inconvenience. I honestly thought we were heading in that direction. I know it seems soon, but we are both nearly 40. I know what I want and I thought he was on the same page. Obviously, I was wrong. I just feel like a fool. And I'm so broken. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 I honestly thought we were heading in that direction. I know it seems soon, but we are both nearly 40. I know what I want and I thought he was on the same page. Obviously, I was wrong. I just feel like a fool. And I'm so broken. Not a fool at all. I never related much to the age-seriousness connection. I know many men who got married in their 20s and early 30s, several men who are 50s and single and want to be married but it never works out and I dated older men (when I was older, too but also when I was younger) who said they wanted to commit but weren't quite there yet (not just with me, generally). I do think certain women who have a loud biological clock get themselves ready in order to have a family. That wasn't me, although I didn't become the right person to find the right person until my late 30s. My husband was the same age when we got back together. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Blargh. It also bothers me that he can’t be honest when confronted with the facts. Time to break up. Your intuition was right. Link to comment
JustMizz Posted May 15, 2018 Author Share Posted May 15, 2018 Blargh. It also bothers me that he can’t be honest when confronted with the facts. Time to break up. Your intuition was right. Yes, I didnt want it to be, though. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 Sadly he sounds a bit like a player who knows the right things to say but maintains the single life behind the scenes. You dodged a bullet.we are both nearly 40. I know what I want and I thought he was on the same page. Link to comment
Lambert Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 I honestly thought we were heading in that direction. I know it seems soon, but we are both nearly 40. I know what I want and I thought he was on the same page. Obviously, I was wrong. I just feel like a fool. And I'm so broken.you're not a fool. he is. someone's age does not define them, but i don't think it's unreasonable to expect that a person reaches a level of maturity and acts appropriately. as i am sure you have heard before, some times you just gotta consider the source. Link to comment
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