Advice on events over this past weekend ?!

[Red88]

So my Ex invited me to come hang out for a weekend at a local amusement park. She needed help with taking care of our son ( he’s young ) and she doesn’t like to ride the rides. So I said sure.

 

Before leaving on this trip I had her blocked and was sticking to email only and only communication over our child. She wrote me an email saying how she hates to email and how she doesn’t like doing it. Even got ahold of my mom and said for me to have me call her because she wanted to know

If I’d go on this trip with her and needed to know because she was getting a deal on the tickets.

 

Long story short...we had fun, and had a OVERALL good time but we did have one argument. And here it goes...

 

So for a short period of time we got separated and somehow I ended up with her phone (long line on a ride, she was thirsty). Anyhow, temptation got the best of me and I started to look through it. I know it was wrong but I figured if she had me drive 3.5 hours to help her with my son, maybe she was serious about getting back together. Well I opened a convo of her and another guy messaging. Within that message is what concerned/pissed me off and that’s what caused the argument. Also within the message it contained a picture of the others guys d**k. I confronted her about it and she said it was fake ?! Ok I’m not dumb . Also some flirting .

 

We had sex, laughed, and had fun throughout this trip. Now I’m back in my hometown and she’s back in hers and I’m very confused on how to proceed. I just wanna be happy and not so invested mentally into this. I wanna do what’s best for me and my future wellbeing but I’m so jaded between my heart and mind.

 

Any advice is appreciated. What would you do? Just curious because I need opinions from the outside looking in because I’m so caught up in this thing.

 

Thanks

[DanZee]

I agree with SweetGirl28. There's no sense in becoming possessive over your ex. She's her own woman, and if some guy sends her penis pictures, it's really none of your business. Besides, you knew a month ago she was seeing another guy. Try to contain your jealousy. Try counting to 10 or some other such technique to control your anger.

[LifeasMe]

Don't misinterpret actions as truths. She invited you to a trip with your son and you had fun. Did she actually say she wanted to get back together?

 

I agree with the previous poster that she hasn't done anything wrong messaging another guy. You are both free to pursue other relationships, you can't hold it against her.

[sputnik123]

Sweets has it bang on..

 

Unless your ex specifically says she wants to give it another go, you are both free to do whatever you like :)

 

Good luck!

[Red88]

I completely agree that she is not mine and I’m being jealous. But, is this the way a person who would want to reconcile one day acts? I’m twisted up on trying to get her back or leave this whole thing behind me?

 

I’ve been stuck on this for months now and I am feeling and seeing how much time I have spent trying to figure this out. It’s adding up and I know life’s short.

 

I can’t let go of my hopes of being a family unit again. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I just need to give up completely on “us” and continue being a great dad and move forward ?

 

What would be y’alls advice on going forward? I need a SOLID game plan to shake this thing once and for all. That’s all I want is to get out of this funk and be normal again.

 

Thanks for all your replies. I appreciate all of them

[Red88]

Lifeasme

 

No she hasn’t. I’m the dumpee and she has stated she like things the way they are right now.

 

I think she’s using me as a plan B Incase all else fails.

 

We have 4 kids together this is why I’m having such a hard time giving up on “us” together as a family.

[wgmitch]

I don't know much about your relationship, but it sounds like you need to sit down and talk, if you haven't done that already.

 

If I read that right you spent the day together, had sex and fun...? Just talk to her and not about the picture, forget that.

 

You want to reconcile, right? But you don't know how she feels, right? Only a conversation can help this situation for you.

 

If she says no then don't do this anymore. Give up completely, go minimal contact (due to you sharing a child) and move on. Be the great dad!

 

Best of luck and keep posting as often as possible to help you through this.

 

Mitch

[DancingFool]

Why did she leave you?

[Red88]

You’re right Mitch and thank you for your reply.

 

I will have that conversation with her soon (like in the next couple days). Given we had that argument I’m gonna let the heat die down for a couple days. But, you’re right, that conversation needs to happen.

 

What if she gives me the run around like saying “I don’t know” or “maybe” or “I like the way things are right now” kind of an answer. I had the conversation with her like a month and a half ago and those were the answers. That’s why I’ve continued to be stuck in this cycle because she has given me unsure answers which doesn’t really help.

 

On one hand I’m like ok this is worth pursuing so I keep putting effort and energy into it to keep my hope alive, but on the other hand I don’t wanna just keep waiting and get crushed later on if it doesn’t happen.

 

Also, for her to get back with me would be a major game changer on both our parts. She’d be allowing me to live with her again, and I’d be moving from where I currently live and work (8hrs away) to live and work there for her and the kids. So I can understand that she would feel a lot of pressure.

[Red88]

We broke up due to an accumulation of things.

 

1 - We had kids (3 and 1 is terminally ill with cancer)rather quickly after meeting each other. All almost right after another. It was hectic. I was always stressed and had a hard time adjusting to the parent life. I was young (24) and still had my childish instincts (partying and carrying on). So I was kinda immature. She’s older than me and was more mature at the time. I’ve done quite a bit of growing up since. When my son was diagnosed it put a major strain on the relationship. I imploded basically. Didn’t know how to act. I was devastated. She holds that against me but I was seriously mest up. She has stated “it should have been a time that brought us closer together” but I self destructed.

 

2 - I had cheated on her early on in the relationship (young and stupid). We made it past that and moved on and I never did it again.

 

3 - We argued frequently about petty stuff. I was stressed to the max and so was she. I was in between jobs, stress with kids, etc.

 

I’ve grown a lot as a person and have done some major self reflecting. I honestly believe that if given another chance, we’d be perfect, but I’m afraid I’ve already worn out all my chances.

[DancingFool]

Well....wow....that is a lot. That said, you say that you've done some major self reflecting but what does that even mean? How can she believe that you have grown up? To be brutally honest, I don't see maturity in this thread alone. You met up, had a nice time, but you went through her phone and pitched a fit that she is talking to another man? That's not exactly demonstrating maturity on your part.

 

If you were to sit down with her today - what concrete things can you list that you have done that would prove you have actually grown up, matured, are ready to take responsibility and can be a good father and husband? Have you sought counseling about your child with cancer? I mean you don't just get to implode and leave her to deal with it all. So what has actually changed with you?

 

Part of maturity is communication. You can't be just a tumbleweed rolling along with whatever she wants or decides. If you want to patch up and be a family, you've got a whole lot of serious talking to do with her as two adults and parents to so many children - both of your decisions are affecting a lot of lives here.

[Red88]

I see what you’re saying about maturity and this thread. My actions don’t show maturity. Maybe I still have a ways to go. Maybe she recognizes that and doesn’t wanna wait around for me to grow. I don’t blame her. I’m 29 and still got this world meet up.

 

At work I’ll update when off. Everyone have a good day and thx for replies

[MissCanuck]

I'm very sorry about your son, OP. What an incredibly blow that is.

 

As for your ex, well, she clearly doesn't want to try to reconcile right now. You had no right to go through her phone and pick a fight when you saw something you didn't like. She is single and is free to date and even sext with whomever she wants.

 

So now that you know you and she are on totally different pages in terms of working things out, you need to draw a boundary for yourself. As long as you two are not mutually working on putting this back together, all romantic activity needs to stop. And "I don't know" or "I like things how they are" from her is a "no" to working on reconciliation with you.

[figureitout23]

I see what you’re saying about maturity and this thread. My actions don’t show maturity. Maybe I still have a ways to go. Maybe she recognizes that and doesn’t wanna wait around for me to grow. I don’t blame her. I’m 29 and still got this world meet up.

 

At work I’ll update when off. Everyone have a good day and thx for replies

 

Well if it makes you feel any better, while I don't think you're suddenly a mature and level headed man, you snooping through her phone and confronting her is evidence to that, her meeting you and popping out kids like a pez dispenser without there being any foundation of a relationship laid out isn't exactly mature either.

 

You both still have a lot of growing up to do.

 

I know it hurts and I get you wanting to keep your family together but until you both start acting as adults no matter if you get together or not it's only a matter of time until this implodes again.

 

I'd suggest counseling. Grief counseling seems to deffinetely be needed.

 

And I don't delete d*ck pics, nor do I hide them, I'm a grown woman and it's my phone, if someone wants to snoop they can enjoy the view. They have no business being in my stuff anyway.

 

I'm being tongue and cheek of course my point is, I'm not going to hide things when I can live my life surrounding myself with people I know won't snoop through my stuff

[DancingFool]

I see what you’re saying about maturity and this thread. My actions don’t show maturity. Maybe I still have a ways to go. Maybe she recognizes that and doesn’t wanna wait around for me to grow. I don’t blame her. I’m 29 and still got this world meet up.

 

At work I’ll update when off. Everyone have a good day and thx for replies

 

I'll just emphasize again that you two have created a huge family and NEED to start acting like two grown adults and support each other instead of just being reactive to life's challenges. You both probably need grief counseling and family counseling and general help on how to be and make things work. You are still way too fixated on what she says, does and doesn't want - which is what landed you in this situation. YOU also have a voice and a choice on all of this and need to figure out what you want. You say that you want to be a family, so lay it all out for her - child care, finances, living, etc. Don't just float along and let life happen to you.

 

When you kept having more children back to back and no money, where was your voice? Do you see what I mean? You have to start speaking up and making adult decisions, she doesn't get to just run the show all the time. You can't take back the past, BUT YOU, YOU OP, can create your own future. Start taking some control and responsibility for what's going on.

[wgmitch]

Red,

 

You have a lot going on here. I would definitely go low contact, just keep it to talking about the kids, for now. Do whatever it takes for those kids and show yourself, not her, that you have matured. That is what is going to be your key to opening the door to this relationship again. Those kids need you to be mature. To show them what a dad does and how he acts. A positive role model and support system for your family.

 

I have to admit, if she were on here telling this story about your relationship I would be telling her to go no contact on you. I would tell her to go out and live her life and put the kids first.

 

You are young and have time to mend mistakes and live a full and prosperous life. Don't waste anymore time.

 

Mitch

[DancingFool]

Red,

 

You have a lot going on here. I would definitely go low contact, just keep it to talking about the kids, for now. Do whatever it takes for those kids and show yourself, not her, that you have matured. That is what is going to be your key to opening the door to this relationship again. Those kids need you to be mature. To show them what a dad does and how he acts. A positive role model and support system for your family.

 

I have to admit, if she were on here telling this story about your relationship I would be telling her to go no contact on you. I would tell her to go out and live her life and put the kids first.

 

You are young and have time to mend mistakes and live a full and prosperous life. Don't waste anymore time.

 

Mitch

 

Really? They have 4 children together, one dying with cancer and you are telling this guy to just go no contact with the mother of the kids and move on? You've got to be kidding me. This isn't some game of get your gf back - these people have to deal with the consequences of their decisions and the family, the children, they brought to life. What kind of bloody irresponsible advice are you giving this guy?

[Red88]

DancingFool

 

What do you mean by this (below) ? I feel this way and I wanna take control of my life but unsure how? I’m embarrassed to say that but it semi true.

 

“You say that you want to be a family, so lay it all out for her - child care, finances, living, etc. Don't just float along and let life happen to you”

 

Also

 

“Start taking some control and responsibility for what's going on”

[Red88]

I want control over my life back. And I thought I had it ? Does this thread make me seem to not have control over my life ? I’m REALLY curious about this “control” topic because that’s what I want.

 

Have I said anything in this thread that makes me seem to be not in control? And if so, what is/was it that I said ? I don’t want to be controlling in a bad way but in a positive way.

 

As you can see the whole deal had made me lose sight of what I need to be doing as an individual man. I work hard everyday to provide my kids with what they need.

 

What else could I do to show maturity or show I’m a good father . I live and work 8 hrs away?

[DancingFool]

What I mean by control is you need to talk to the mother of your kids about where you two are at and what you want and how. Address the fights you had and your self destructive behavior when you found out your child has cancer. Ask her what she needs from you in terms of support - it's not just about money or having a job. How can you both put the past behind you and make a future together. How do you see a future together if you two were to get back - what would be different and how. How would you handle conflict. Things like that. Kind of like maybe make a list of what all went wrong and how it would be different from your end. ALSO, it takes two to fight. So she also needs to own up to her issues and her part of the fighting and so on. It's not just on you, but both of you to make this work.

[Red88]

Ok I see what your saying. That makes total sense. I don’t know why but I needed to hear exactly what you just said and everybody who’s replied to this thread. She’s been so understanding and patient with me it’s unbelievable.

 

I spoke with her tonight. Didn’t really get to serious as far as future plans and what she wants going forward but that conversation was will happen soon. She called while I was on the phone with my buddy, I sent a message while on the phone and I guess she didn’t get it because she called right back. So I think she is willing to communicate which is good. We talked about the weekend and such and had a good convo. But I am still approaching this cautiously. I won’t interpret actions as truth but she’s been pretty cool. I think she was concerned about what I found/saw on her phone because she’s been giving me more attention than usual. She claims this guy is just dumb and “fun” to mess with because he only wants to get in her pants. Who knows. I won’t think anymore of it. That convo lasted less than a minute. I just basically said I wasn’t worried about it (although at the time I was pissed) but after hearing y’alls replies, she’s free to do whatever she wants but on the upside so am I, but right now my main focus is on her and getting my family back together and being a good role model regardless of being with her or not. I just really hope she comes around and we can get over this hump. We’ll see.

 

I definitely know NOW and have in my arsenal the conversations that need to be had. Communication I think is important from what I have gathered from you DancingFool and everyone who has replied. I’ll ride this wave out for a little while longer while I work on maturity and my communication skills. Time will tell. Yeah it’s hurt/break my heart to see her with someone else but she is her own woman. I’ll continue being a good dad to my kids and working really hard to support them all. I know I’m a good catch but who really wants a guy with 4 kids? I think about that a lot. O well it is what it is.

 

Maybe she is “the one” ? I don’t know, time will tell, but the clarity you DancingFool and everyone who’s replied has helped me tremendously get past this hump. Maybe the first of many. I’ll certainly be back on here with anymore questions or concerns as I ride this roller coaster. I know that I wont give up on this till I KNOW I’m done and over with. Maybe it’ll be worth it, we’ll see. But getting my family back is worth fighting for. If I happen to get another chance, it’ll hopefully the last girl I have to go through this with. Fingers crossed.

[charity]

Hi Red,

 

I've been in a very similar situation to you and I just wanted to chime in. My ex and I had two kids and it was an on/off relationship. We had kids too fast and it was irresponsible but it happened and we had to deal with it. I used to snoop through his phone, check his facebook. He never cheated but he was flirty and could push boundaries. After we split, there was the on/off sex, trying again, deep conversations that turned into fights. I so wanted it to work, wanted to be a family but it was too hard.

 

One day he met someone who he fell for. It didn't last but it was enough to give me the push that I needed to realize that the way we were acting was not ok.

I had to choose what type of life was right for myself and the kids.

 

Was it one where mom and Dad were together but fought and were miserable?

Was it one where mom and Dad were not together but kinds together, on and off, sex here and there, Me snooping through his phone?

Was it one where mom and Dad were separated, avoided each other and fought over the kids?

Was it one where mom and Dad were seperated, got on well and remained friends?

 

I choose the last one. It was hard. I genuinely had to be fake and pretend to like him when at times I hated him. I'm sure he did the same. It took years to establish what we have now. But it worked.

 

If you genuinely think that you and your ex can make it work together, then I advise you to try. As you've been advised, you need to take control of your life. Make happen what you want to happen.

 

But if you don't think that the relationship will work then you need to make a choice for your children, like I did.

 

Good luck!

[Red88]

Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

I’m unsure how my relationship with my kids Mom will work out. In comparison to your story, I’m in the sex on/off again stage. Maybe headed towards the deep conversations turning into fights, but I sure hope that isn’t the case. We will see. We don’t hate each other and can hang out, have fun and we communicate well in general. Some serious conversations will be had in the upcoming future about where we are headed because I have feelings for her, not sure where she stands on that topic but I’ll know soon enough.

 

I’m trying to work on myself, self reflect and change past behavior which lead to the break up. I was far from perfect and so was she. Honestly I know it takes two to fight, but a majority of conflict came from my end. I own that and am changing my ways. Even if it doesn’t work the improvements I’m making on myself will benefit my next potential partner and myself. I needed that wake up call. With or without her I’ll be a better person and father in the end.

 

I to would do the same if my kids mom fell for another person. That push would be enough to move on. The conversations I’ll be having with her will let me know where I stand, because I won’t just sit around and wait till If or when she finds another.

 

How long after your breakup did your ex “fall” for another person?

Was it soon ? Also, how long was your on again off again sex period last ?

 

As of today, I’m still fighting for reconciliation. Who knows what will happen, but if it doesn’t work I’ll be able to say I gave it my all. I won’t have any guilt. We’ll see.

 

I will certainly update this thread or another on my story. Hopefully a good update. Fingers crossed.

[Wiseman2]

Stick with co-parenting. Your dating life is none of her business and the reverse is true as well. Stop hooking up on visitation for your son. That's too involved.

she had me drive 3.5 hours to help her with my son, maybe she was serious about getting back together. Well I opened a convo of her and another guy messaging. We had sex, laughed, and had fun throughout this trip.

[Red88]

Wiseman2

 

I know I was wrong to get jealous and it was also wrong to snoop through her phone.

 

When you say to stop having sex when we see each other for whatever reason, is that because it would help with chances of reconciliation ? Or are you saying that because it’s your opinion that there isn’t any hope for reconciliation?