I like him a lot, but my friends think it's doomed

[PainterGirl]

Hi guys! Hope you're having a nice weekend.

 

My question is going to be a bit long and I sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read everything!

 

I'm a 32 year old woman, who's recently started seeing a 27 year old man. There are a lot of factors to our relationship that my friends think is going to doom it and I'm just looking for an outside opinion on the matter.

 

First off, one of my best girlfriends tells me she thinks the age gap is going to be an issue and constantly makes fun of me for it. My partner and I have talked about it, and he sees no issue with it and he asked if it bothered me, I said not at all! Find him to very mature and has his life in order (good career, financially stable, seems to know what he wants from his future) does this really seem like a huge age gap?

 

So the bigger issue (according to my friends) is actually our difference in cultures. He is an Iraqi refugee and came to Canada about ten years ago with his whole family. He speaks English, but not 100% which can make things a bit more difficult at times, but it doesn't bother either of us.

 

My friends are mostly concerned about our cultural differences. He is a Christian, Assyrian and his family is very religious. Myself, I'm not religious at all. We've talked about it, and he's not bothered by it at all and neither am I. We both accept and respect our differences and I'm trying to learn about his culture so I can understand it more.

 

What I've learned about his culture is that his language is endangered and that a lot of the families (parents mostly) of Assyrian people don't approve of relationships with westerners.

 

I asked him what his family would think about me, and he says his mother will be the hardest to win over, but that his father doesn't care (they know about our relationship) and that his family will accept me. His mother doesn't speak English so it will be difficult for me to try to get her to accept me.

 

All that being said, besides our differences we have matching morals and values and have a great friendship and actually have a lot in common and have great conversation and what I feel is a great connection.

 

Does this sound like it is totally doomed? We realize it will be difficult because of certain barriers with language, but we both feel it's worth the effort. I feel like my friends are dooming it before it even gets started (only 2 months in) and it makes me feel I can't introduce them to him without them judging him. My one friend even made a pretty racist comment about never dating outside her race..

 

Thanks to anyone who read this novel and light have a bit of advice for me!

[SooSad33]

No, that is not a large age gap. You are not that far off.

 

Would be odd for one to be in their 50's and the other to be in their 20's... :/.

I am in my mid 40's and will not get into anything with somone below age 40 or older than mid 50's.

 

As per the language barrier... that can still work out okay. In time.. if this can progress, you can learn.. as can she.

 

Re: religious issue. That can be touchy sometimes. But as long as he isnt bothered at all ( so he says... we'll see), then

this may be okay for you two to work around.

 

So.. if its a true interest.. I say go ahead. Dont go in with doubts.. but hopes.

 

And do NOT rush anything! Give it all time. Continue to get to know each other. This is all brand new.

Way too many rush into dreamland.. and get into idea's of kids.. a home.. pets.. marriage etc and havent

know their partner for 6 months!

 

Enjoy your time together.. and see how things are in another 3-6 months.

 

Good luck

[PainterGirl]

Thank you so much for your response, very good advice! We are taking things at a slow speed right now, and I'm keeping my eyes open to the realities of this situation.

 

We've talked about the issues his family might have accepting me, and it makes the whole situation intimidating for me. I'm not sure how I will deal with meeting his family for the first time, but from what I've read about his culture, meeting the parents and getting their approval is a really big step and means we're pretty serious so I guess only time will tell.

 

I especially like your comment about going in with hopes instead of doubts, very good advice! Thank you!

[SooSad33]

Welcome :).

 

In time.. you will see.

So many diff people/races get involved nowadays.

Diff countries to diff races.. so is not new ;).

 

Give it time. Try not to let that stuff sit with you in a neg. This is all new for you two.

 

I always say to myself for first few months.. no high expectations ( so try not to get emotionally involved for a bit).

[PainterGirl]

This is very good advice! I keep thinking to myself "he's choosing to be with me".

 

I think the concern for my friends, is that when it comes down to it his parents will make his life difficult and he will have to choose between me and the family, there will be a breakup and we will both be hurt.

 

I will definetly keep this in mind, no high expectations, let's just keep having fun and see where it ends up. No point in trying to doom it before giving it a chance either :)

[Snny]

Your friends are being so critical and overthinking about your relationship when it’s quite frankly NONE of their business.

 

First off, one of my best girlfriends tells me she thinks the age gap is going to be an issue and constantly makes fun of me for it.

So what? I got a high school friend I grew up with (31 years old) dating a 42 year old karate instructor with a kid for two years. Though it’s something I would not personally do, they are both very happy. It isn’t my business to judge their relationship of it’s working out for them so well.

 

Your best friend is being a little b*** for making fun of you. She needs to grow up. Your age gap - which is 5 years - is NOT that big and you both are consenting adults. I am 4 years younger than my husband and it’s not a big deal.

 

My friends are mostly concerned about our cultural differences. He is a Christian, Assyrian and his family is very religious. Myself, I'm not religious at all. We've talked about it, and he's not bothered by it at all and neither am I. We both accept and respect our differences and I'm trying to learn about his culture so I can understand it more.

 

What I've learned about his culture is that his language is endangered and that a lot of the families (parents mostly) of Assyrian people don't approve of relationships with westerners.

 

I asked him what his family would think about me, and he says his mother will be the hardest to win over, but that his father doesn't care (they know about our relationship) and that his family will accept me. His mother doesn't speak English so it will be difficult for me to try to get her to accept me.

I’m married to a man who immigrated to the US from a very different culture. His parents (who live in his home country) hardly speak English. My husband and I sometimes have video chats with them and he translates between us... and his parents LOVE me. They hosted us to come visit their country right after our honeymoon and I never felt being unaccepted. I’m pregnant right now and they are so excited to come and see their granddaughter very soon this summer. They want to stay with us for a couple weeks to help me out (which I am having reservations about because I want all the time to bond with my baby and rest, not entertain guests during recovery).

 

I never got to meet his parents until 2 months before our wedding.

 

My parents (the English speakers) were the ones who did not approve my relationship because my husband was from a different race and culture. However, they got over it and now consider him apart of our family. Sorry but I’m not going to let family choose my relationship or who I bed because it’s my business.

 

The religion aspect CAN cause issues, but there have been couples who are not religious and live happily as long as they respect the differences.

 

I think the concern for my friends, is that when it comes down to it his parents will make his life difficult and he will have to choose between me and the family, there will be a breakup and we will both be hurt.

Not if your boyfriend holds his ground and reinforces boundaries with his family. Again, it’s not your friends’ business to worry about the outcome of your relationship. Just be aware that them sharing these unwarranted opinions can affect your friendship later on once you and your boyfriend become very serious.

[PainterGirl]

Thank you for responding! This makes me hopeful to hear your story actually, that your husband's parents were able to accept you and love you! Ultimately if this is going to turn into a long term relationship, I would definetly like his parents to at least accept, if not really try to like me!

 

I was actually quite offended when my one friend in particular made the racist remark; I actually never knew she could be racist like that and it put me off having her meet him. I do feel like they shouldn't be saying these comments to me that I should end it sooner than later, it can't work etc etc... They're being so skeptical and they don't even know him. I actually told them that he makes me very happy and that it makes me very upset to hear them say these things and putting these thoughts in my head that it can't work because we are different..

 

They are having a hard time understanding how we are a match if we are so different, I tried to explain to them that the connection I feel is a deep one and not just on the surface, we have a really good time together and truly enjoy each other's company. He's very kind and sweet to me, perfect gentleman and we share so many laughs and stories together.

 

I asked him if he will defend our relationship if it came down to it and he told me yes absolutely he would, and that he's been telling his family about me, that I'm a good person and I'm very nice and respectful of the culture. I honestly think that they could give me a chance, I will take it slow and give his family time to accept me and will show them that I'm a good person, if they're willing to give me the chance to prove it .

[Sportster2005]

You can find statistics on age gap relationships. From memory, I think five years. wasn't too bad.

 

The cultural differences add some risk. That's a lot harder to gauge, and is anybody's guess.

 

It's fine for friends to bring up concerns. But once you have made up your mind, they need to respect your decision. If they don't, find better friends.

[PainterGirl]

Thank you! I agree, they need to respect my decision and not say these negative things to try to change my mind. I am just trying to get to know him better, and they are trying to convince me to end it. I didn't expect such a negative reaction from them to be honest.

[Kevin1995]

No the relationship is not doomed, but however your parents might have problems with the differences in culture so the best thing is to get along with them and show them that it is actually not that bad. I would see it in a positive way because different cultures have different stories so you can learn from he’s story and he can learn more about your culture.

 

As for your friends don’t listen to them because they have to find a man from the same country but it doen’st mean you have to. And the age gap is no problem it’s just 5 years difference. As long as you both are adults then it nothing to worry about

[Andrina]

You're both in the honeymoon stage and right now are having fun. The only thing I would say is that you've only known him 2 months so far, so we know he can talk the talk, but make sure he can walk the walk. I wouldn't go more than six months into the relationship without asking to meet his parents, if he hasn't suggested it. You need to know that he won't bail once the newness of the relationship wears off, and gives an excuse that his mother won't budge and he can't cut ties with her.

 

Don't let yourself fall further and further into love without really knowing he will stand by his word, and not keep you from the reality of his mother not accepting you, if that ends up being the case. In other words, don't be his secret, because you really don't know him, and can't know for a fact he's actually telling the family about you. If he invites you to meet them within the next four months, I'd have more faith that he's a decent man.

 

I'm just playing the devil's advocate and making sure you're looking out for yourself without blinders on. I hope it all works outs the way you want it to.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's great to learn as much as you can about the culture he was raised in and/or identifies with and of his family -BUT- end of the day, you are you and that's enough. Do you know what I am saying? You make a decision on what you want out of a partner, and culture isn't the deciding factor because the person either delivers it or no (same goes with religion).

I do not think this is automatically doomed. There are some risk factors yes ( wouldn't consider the ages one of them).

I think you are maybe contorting mentally a bit much , really common when we really like someone, and getting ahead of yourself. If you keep your feet on the ground, like Andrina explained so well, this will shake out on its own . Either you both will introduce to your people not that far in the future, or no.

 

I also would be careful not to bring too many preconceptions in if you do meet his fam. They've lived in Canada for over 10 years so, mom might understand English :) and they may be way easier to relate to then you are maybe thinking. Either way, if they are a tough crowd or not - remember you are you and enough as is and there's nothing to prove to anybody .If it's right, it'll fall in line without any forcing . This goes for your friends too.

 

I hope the getting to know him keeps going great too. It's exciting meeting someone we really like.

[Snny]

I was actually quite offended when my one friend in particular made the racist remark; I actually never knew she could be racist like that and it put me off having her meet him.

Time to start thinking about your friendship with this person. This person has made it clear that she won’t support your relationship.

 

 

As far as cultural differences in relationships, the only way it works is if you both have similar values. For my husband and I, it has helped that we both practiced the same faith and are conservative. However we have also faced culture clash issues too that would drive certain people up the wall.

 

Just enjoy the relationship and get to know each other. And tell your friends to keep their unwarranted opinions buttoned.

[PainterGirl]

That's a really good point, thank you for bringing it up!

 

I have started to realize we really need to take things slowly for the first few months as everyone has said, and I need to see if he's going to ask me to meet his family soon, and see how his family reacts to me. It's a pretty intimidating thought to me.

[Cope]

We've talked about it, and he's not bothered by it at all and neither am I.

 

You guys have it under control. I think you should check your friends. I wouldn't be friends with a racist.

[Wiseman2]

Are you both employed? Do you both have your own homes/apts? At 8 weeks in you really don't know each other.

recently started seeing a 27 year old man.

He is an Iraqi refugee and came to Canada about ten years ago with his whole family.

He speaks English, but not 100%. which can make things a bit more difficult at times.

[catfeeder]

Nobody can predict the health or success of a new relationship beyond anything experience has taught each of us to regard as red flags. You get to decide whether friends are speaking from that place of caution, or whether any of them have revealed an incompatibility in their values with yours.

 

Our love lives are not democracies--nobody else gets a vote. If you don't want to introduce a new lover to any given friend, then consider that friend to have disqualified herself or himself from an intro.

 

Head high, and best wishes.