Dear John Letter and Response (Aaron and Chrissy)

[SherrySher]

An eye for an eye is for children. If you don't like what she says about you, then no reason to continue dating her. But to cite eye for an eye...come on, that's immature.

[armstrong]

We're trying to help you, Armstrong. You need to hear truths in order for you to become a better man and have a better relationship next time around.

Okay, I'm listening.

 

You're making crucial mistakes and you've gone past the point of being able to control your emotions.

 

If you are ever wanting a relationship to work out, you need to make huge changes in how you think and do things.

 

It was never okay for her to be so critical but she might have given you information that you can use to change what problems are causing your love life to go flat.

 

You also don't ever have to continue going back to someone who is being critical and is not compatible with you.

 

But first and foremost, I think you really should consider anger management classes.

 

And no, no, no...do not contact her again.

 

Okay, I've been in counseling almost my entire adult life, but I will continue.

[boltnrun]

Yep, this was a t1t-for-tat. And I stand by my characterization. She did the exact same thing: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549240&p=6982870&viewfull=1#post6982870.

 

You can keep reposting this, but it does not make what you did right.

 

You wrote what you wrote to try to hurt her. Period.

 

I sincerely doubt she kidnapped you and forced you by gunpoint to keep seeing her.

 

If she was so bad you walk.

 

Let me ask...do you sincerely believe what you wrote was a "dignified insult"? You see absolutely nothing wrong with how you responded to her?

[SherrySher]

You know what you should do if anyone is being critical? Just say, thanks but no thanks. No need for anger or retaliation. Keep your head cool and calm and walk away.

 

It really can be that simple and you will save yourself loads of stress.

[armstrong]

Let me ask...do you sincerely believe what you wrote was a "dignified insult"? You see absolutely nothing wrong with how you responded to her?

 

I do see something wrong with it. I also see something wrong with locking up non-violient criminals. This is a retributionist country, but I digress. I usually quietly take my medicine in these dumpings, but I just ran my mouth for a change. She had to know a response essay was coming back, no? I honestly didn't think she would feel hurt at all. I still doubt she does. I thought she would brush it off like a dead mosquito.

[rosephase]

Yep, this was a t1t-for-tat. And I stand by my characterization. She did the exact same thing: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549240&p=6982870&viewfull=1#post6982870.

 

Even if you think it was "t*t-for-tat" you were being cruel on purpose. That is malicious intent. And what you wrote in those texts was mean on purpose while she just sound like an awful demanding person who doesn't think about how her criticism effect the people around her. But even if she was just as intentionally mean as you were you are still responsible for your actions. The relationship was over. There was no point in popping back into her life to say horrible things to her... and then try to cover for your immature and mean response. It's clear in your texts that you knew you acted poorly. Going back now and saying "t*t-for-tat" is just you reaching for another excuse as to why your actions were justified... but they simply weren't. You're actions where your choice and they were not justified. They were purposefully cruel and poorly controlled. You were acting maliciously.

 

Going back and fourth with arguments like "but look at what she said to me" and "i'm the victim that's why I can't be the bad guy here" isn't useful. You need to look at your actions and your choices.

[armstrong]

You know what you should do if anyone is being critical? Just say, thanks but no thanks. No need for anger or retaliation. Keep your head cool and calm and walk away.

 

It really can be that simple and you will save yourself loads of stress.

 

Okay, I'll do that next time. I should've done that long ago in this case. Not sure why I stuck around.

[mustlovedogs]

How can the Dumpee be cruel? To me that's like ascribing malicious intent to a growling puppy that got dropped out of a truck. I was so hurt by her break-up text. I went all out for her, and felt like I got flushed like a turd. Why is everyone piling on me! (But I do appreciate all the feedback, though. This week has been a horrendous and tearful week.)

 

Your logic is so fundamentally flawed.

 

Again, see, making yourself a victim.

 

You CAN BE CRUEL. And you WERE.

 

OK. Let’s change the scenario.

 

Columbine. Those kids were bullied. How can they possibly be evil? Didn’t those murdered kids get what they deserve?

[armstrong]

Your logic is so fundamentally flawed.

 

Again, see, making yourself a victim.

 

You CAN BE CRUEL. And you WERE.

 

OK. Let’s change the scenario.

 

Columbine. Those kids were bullied. How can they possibly be evil? Didn’t those murdered kids get what they deserve?

 

No. If you're indifferent to someone, their words will have almost no impact on you. Bullets and insults are two decidedly different entities. I experienced this in my divorce, where my ex-wife could hurl any and all cruel insults at me, and they didn't bother me.

[mustlovedogs]

No. If you're indifferent to someone, their words will have almost no impact on you. Bullets and insults are two decidedly different entities. I experienced this in my divorce, where my ex-wife could hurl any and all cruel insults at me, and they didn't bother me.

 

So your perception of their reality means you can be awful? What’s the point then? To satisfy your vindictive self?

 

Bro. Face the facts. 15 failed relationships in a short time. You’re the problem.

[jimthzz]

OK, I didn't take her words as constructive criticism at all. She wanted to wound him on her way out. Maybe she is more literate than he is. Male vs female anger expression.

 

That said, dude, walk away and fight that instinct to get back at any perceived attacks. She knew how to wind you up, so learn from that.

 

Best case for you is to control the urge to fight back. Just think of her an an annoying aroma to quickly move past holding your breath.

 

Did she start it? Sure, do you have to end it? Yes, but not in arguing.

 

Growth will be on you to live positively even in the face of real negatives happening in your life.

[armstrong]

This thread has me noticing a vast divide between the sexes: Guys think the whole exchange was funny, and girls think it's awful.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you're trolling, however being close to where you reside, I'll say I believe the road rage part.

That's why we call MA people mass holes lol

 

What.......???

[rosephase]

This thread has me noticing a vast divide between the sexes: Guys think the whole exchange was funny, and girls think it's awful.

 

It's easier to find threatening things funny when you are (more often than not) the physically larger, stronger person in the relationship.

 

Men and women alike agree that you were way out of line and that you have personal work to do in regards to your anger. Meaning men and women both find your reaction awful... just some people also find it funny.

[Honeycomb8]

Yikes 15 relationships in 3 years. And you've been married before...?

Guess maturity really doesn't come with age. '_'

 

 

You acted deranged and was an absolute arse. Please leave her alone.

[maew]

Jerry Springer episode comes to mind here

 

OMG yes lol.... OP both of you were immature and bratty in your letters, but COME ON man, you have to know you went next level with yours!

 

As someone recovering from her own anger issues I have done similar things to people in the past. Today I know that reacting in anger is WRONG. No matter what the person did, I have no right to behave in an abusive or reactive way towards them. for tat is all well and good if you forever want to be stuck in the cycle of anger and resentment... but if you want to be a better person then you need to let that $h_t go.

 

In the end how did it really serve you to be an a$$hole? And believe me I would say the same thing to her if she was on here posting, cause even though her letter wasn't as mean as yours, it was still an a$$hole thing to do. Nothing gives her the right to throw a bunch of crap at his head about how he is a sh---y person just as nothing gives OP the right to retaliate the way he did.

 

T_it for tat indeed you guys are two peas in a pod!

[dias]

What.......???

Lol. It was said with kind intentions.

[armstrong]

It's easier to find threatening things funny when you are (more often than not) the physically larger, stronger person in the relationship.

 

Too bad there's not a single theatening remark in there. Anywhere. But hey, #MeToo.

[Honeycomb8]

Too bad there's not a single theatening remark in there. Anywhere. But hey, #MeToo.

 

You seemed crazy, and that is enough to scare anyone. Work on yourself, do get therapy!

 

And seriously grow the eff up. -_-

[maew]

Too bad there's not a single theatening remark in there. Anywhere. But hey, #MeToo.

 

This says it all doesn't it? both that you are unaware of the impact your words have, and that you have no clue what #metoo is all about. :)

[armstrong]

OMG yes lol.... OP both of you were immature and bratty in your letters, but COME ON man, you have to know you went next level with yours!

 

As someone recovering from her own anger issues I have done similar things to people in the past. Today I know that reacting in anger is WRONG. No matter what the person did, I have no right to behave in an abusive or reactive way towards them. for tat is all well and good if you forever want to be stuck in the cycle of anger and resentment... but if you want to be a better person then you need to let that $h_t go.

 

In the end how did it really serve you to be an a$$hole? And believe me I would say the same thing to her if she was on here posting, cause even though her letter wasn't as mean as yours, it was still an a$$hole thing to do. Nothing gives her the right to throw a bunch of crap at his head about how he is a sh---y person just as nothing gives OP the right to retaliate the way he did.

 

T_it for tat indeed you guys are two peas in a pod!

 

Yep, I forgot to do the Abe Lincoln hot letter.

[rosephase]

Too bad there's not a single theatening remark in there.

 

Being so out of control with your anger is the threat. Actively trying to hurt her is the threat. I can understand that you don't feel like you were being threatening. Often when people are that angry what they feel is impotent. They feel completely incapable of hurting the other person. I know overwhelming anger at a partner felt that way to me. How could I possible be threatening? I was clearly SO HURT and impotent in this situation. But that doesn't mean I wasn't threatening. And that didn't mean I wasn't responsible for my actions. Figuring out how to handle that overwhelming emotion with as much grace as possible until I calm down and can treat the people around me with the respect I hold myself too... that took time and work and effort. But it's worth it. Because I respect the way I treat people and I find that people respect the way I treat them and treat me with respect in kind. It makes life so much easier to be able to control your anger.

[boltnrun]

Now you're making fun of women who have been sexually harassed?

 

Do you ever wonder why you haven't been able to keep a relationship going in recent years?

 

I'm really seeing what it was that "Chrissy" saw and why she wants to stay far away from you. Zero idea how your words and actions are viewed by others. Zero self awareness.

 

But you can keep thinking you're "right". Apparently it works well for you.

[armstrong]

Being so out of control with your anger is the threat. Actively trying to hurt her is the threat. I can understand that you don't feel like you were being threatening. Often when people are that angry what they feel is impotent. They feel completely incapable of hurting the other person. I know overwhelming anger at a partner felt that way to me. How could I possible be threatening? I was clearly SO HURT and impotent in this situation. But that doesn't mean I wasn't threatening. And that didn't mean I wasn't responsible for my actions. Figuring out how to handle that overwhelming emotion with as much grace as possible until I calm down and can treat the people around me with the respect I hold myself too... that took time and work and effort. But it's worth it. Because I respect the way I treat people and I find that people respect the way I treat them and treat me with respect in kind. It makes life so much easier to be able to control your anger.

 

Okay, that makes sense. 👍

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed...