Dear John Letter and Response (Aaron and Chrissy)

[armstrong]

What's scary is your cruelty.

 

Maybe your truest, most honest response would like something like this: "Chrissy, I'm sorry for any pain and discomfort I caused you. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I like you a lot and care about you. I'm going to be missing you for some time, and wish you the best."

 

Instead you tried to numb your pain by offloading it onto her. Maybe it felt good—for a second, until it came back. And so you posted here, looking for another soothing hit of validation, and now find yourself flailing again as the majority of us fail to deliver it.

 

What you're on, my friend, is what is known as the low road. Down there it doesn't matter how deft you can swerve between the cars. You've already crashed, probably long ago.

 

You're partially right. I felt alternating moments of vindication and despair (that I had wounded her the way she wounded me, and the way I had acted with such indignity and disrespect). :-(

[SweetGirl28]

Now that is obscene. No, I've never sent a text like that.

 

 

Repulsive, just like what you did to this girl! But in a different way.

Walk away from something with class. No need to hurl insults.

[armstrong]

What you're on, my friend, is what is known as the low road. Down there it doesn't matter how deft you can swerve between the cars. You've already crashed, probably long ago.

 

[armstrong]

It was a lot of direct attacks on her as a person. It was mean and purposefully hurtful and you kept sending texts... that is frightening. You come off pretty unhinged and upset. Unhinged upset people can be dangerous. It is scary to have someone repeatedly trying to hurt you.

 

But look at what set the stage for all this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549240&p=6982870&viewfull=1#post6982870. Does it at least make some sense in light of this? The subtle acid drip of constant condescension and criticism can sneak up on someone.

[SherrySher]

I clearly have issues I need to work on.

 

That's a huge, YES. You need to learn self control with your emotions and your emotional outbursts. I understand that you were disappointed and somewhat hurt, but wow, you really were savage at times.

And stop with the smiley faces when you're writing these things. It's passive aggressive. You're obviously not smiling what so ever.

I suggest anger management classes. I sincerely mean that.

[boltnrun]

So if she's that bad, why did you ask to reconcile?

[armstrong]

So if she's that bad, why did you ask to reconcile?

 

I didn't ask to reconcile. Where did you see that?

[SweetGirl28]

I think you need a mute girlfriend. Or you need to be. Maybe both. Jus' sayin ........

[rosephase]

But look at what set the stage for all this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549240&p=6982870&viewfull=1#post6982870. Does it at least make some sense in light of this? The subtle acid drip of constant condescension and criticism can sneak up on someone.

 

Those are reasons to happily break up and quickly move on and find someone who likes you. Those are not reasons to turn around when your hurt and attack her.

 

She sounds awful. That list is off the charts and it makes no since that you would stay in a relationship with someone who judges you so negatively. But that doesn't give you the thumbs up for acting out in the way you did.

[boltnrun]

I didn't ask to reconcile. Where did you see that?

 

I didn't see the "not". I misread.

[DancingFool]

But look at what set the stage for all this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549240&p=6982870&viewfull=1#post6982870.

 

Dude, there is simply no justification for your behavior. Yes, she didn't need to write such an extensive break up letter with all the reasons, but she did. It was wrong. However, that doesn't give you a license to blow up and become verbally abusive to the point of scary. Some of it was pretty unhinged on your part.

 

You keep pointing to her flaws. OK, she had issues and you didn't like how she treated you. Your solution should have been to dump her, like long ago with a polite "Listen Chrissy, I've enjoyed getting to know you, but this is just not working for me. Wish you well." Done and move on. No reason to keep dating a person who isn't treating you the way you want to be treated. No reason to become abusive.

 

No matter how wrong she was in writing out that letter, your response to her actually proves her point. You have quite a temper and that's putting it politely.

 

You can keep at this and keep arguing your side OR you can actually use this as a wake up call to go work on yourself and become a better person going forward. The latter might be a better option for you in the long run because no matter how much you try to argue and justify your case.....it just can't be justified, so better change yourself for the future.

[SherrySher]

Part of me wonders if you shouldn't take some of her suggestions and secondly, if you found her so critical, why keep going back?

[armstrong]

Dude, there is simply no justification for your behavior. Yes, she didn't need to write such an extensive break up letter with all the reasons, but she did. It was wrong. However, that doesn't give you a license to blow up and become verbally abusive to the point of scary. Some of it was pretty unhinged on your part.

 

You keep pointing to her flaws. OK, she had issues and you didn't like how she treated you. Your solution should have been to dump her, like long ago with a polite "Listen Chrissy, I've enjoyed getting to know you, but this is just not working for me. Wish you well." Done and move on. No reason to keep dating a person who isn't treating you the way you want to be treated. No reason to become abusive.

 

No matter how wrong she was in writing out that letter, your response to her actually proves her point. You have quite a temper and that's putting it politely.

 

You can keep at this and keep arguing your side OR you can actually use this as a wake up call to go work on yourself and become a better person going forward. The latter might be a better option for you in the long run because no matter how much you try to argue and justify your case.....it just can't be justified, so better change yourself for the future.

 

Fair enough. Keep in mind, she kept inviting me over to her place, e.g., like over and over again. We came close to splitting several times, e.g., 24-hour ghosting periods, but somehow it just kept going. We were getting high together, she would get very contemptuous but black out and not remember our conversations. I certainly played my part - not saying it was all her. This is the ugliest break-up I've ever had. Most of them are quiet hugs, but passions are mysterious and unpredictable.

[Wiseman2]

Amen......

We are just too similar.

[SherrySher]

We were getting high together

 

Seriously? That answers a lot of questions on why both of you are so emotionally erratic.

[rosephase]

Fair enough. Keep in mind, she kept inviting me over to her place, e.g., like over and over again. We came close to splitting several times, e.g., 24-hour ghosting periods, but somehow it just kept going. We were getting high together, she would get very contemptuous but black out and not remember our conversations. I certainly played my part - not saying it was all her. This is the ugliest break-up I've ever had. Most of them are quiet hugs, but passions are mysterious and unpredictable.

 

We aren't talking about "passions". We are talking about anger. And anger shouldn't be mysterious or unpredictable. You should be able to control your actions no matter how angry you feel.

 

You write like you have no agency in this relationship.

We came close to splitting several times, e.g., 24-hour ghosting periods, but somehow it just kept going.

 

And you write like you have no agency in your angry outbursts. You need to figure out what you are responsible for. You are responsible for staying in that relationship while you got so angry and bitter that you lashed out. You are responsible for how you act when your angry. You are responsible for YOU. No matter how she treated you, how you act is up to you. You stayed. You got hurt. You lashed out. And now you are trying to say it's how she treated you that MADE you act that way. But she didn't do that. That was you.

[Fever]

After months of reading sad break up stories, I have to admit I found this so over the top it was funny.

 

I particularly laughed at the bit where you accused her of c**k hopping, masturbation and writing bad novels.

 

But yeah it's a car crash.

[mustlovedogs]

Oh wow. Wow. No words.

 

Your texts are TERRIBLE

 

AWFUL

 

Immature, cruel, petty, pathetic - my list could go on and on.

 

Normally, I would say her texts listing your flaws is a problem, but dude, she did you a BIG favor. 15 failed relationships in 3 YEARS!! And you clearly do NOT have the sense to be even marginally introspective.

 

You. Are. The. Problem.

 

And she told you what the problems are.

 

Absorb this. Internalize this. And LEARN!! from it.

 

Speechless.

[armstrong]

Is a second apology in order? She said her life was a Mexican soap opera, but I somehow didn't realize how ugly this was.

[armstrong]

Oh wow. Wow. No words.

 

Your texts are TERRIBLE

 

AWFUL

 

Immature, cruel, petty, pathetic - my list could go on and on.

 

How can the Dumpee be cruel? To me that's like ascribing malicious intent to a growling puppy that got dropped out of a truck. I was so hurt by her break-up text. I went all out for her, and felt like I got flushed like a turd. Why is everyone piling on me! (But I do appreciate all the feedback, though. This week has been a horrendous and tearful week.)

[rosephase]

Is a second apology in order? She said her life was a Mexican soap opera, but I somehow didn't realize how ugly this was.

 

Good god no! Just leave her alone.

[Leah2337]

Leave. Her. Alone.

[rosephase]

How can the Dumpee be cruel? To me that's like ascribing malicious intent to a growling puppy that got dropped out of a truck. I was so hurt by her break-up text. Why is everyone piling on me! (I do appreciate all the feedback, though. This week has been horrendous.)

 

A dumpee can be cruel BY BEING CRUEL. You are not some hurt puppy. You are a full grown adult man with agency. Are you saying that nothing you said in those texts had malicious intent? You called her a bad mother and a sociopath. You were actively trying to hurt her. That IS malicious intent.

[SherrySher]

We're trying to help you, Armstrong. You need to hear truths in order for you to become a better man and have a better relationship next time around.

 

You're making crucial mistakes and you've gone past the point of being able to control your emotions.

 

If you are ever wanting a relationship to work out, you need to make huge changes in how you think and do things.

 

It was never okay for her to be so critical but she might have given you information that you can use to change what problems are causing your love life to go flat.

 

You also don't ever have to continue going back to someone who is being critical and is not compatible with you.

 

But first and foremost, I think you really should consider anger management classes.

 

And no, no, no...do not contact her again.

[armstrong]

A dumpee can be cruel BY BEING CRUEL. You are not some hurt puppy. You are a full grown adult man with agency. Are you saying that nothing you said in those texts had malicious intent? You called her a bad mother and a sociopath. You were actively trying to hurt her. That IS malicious intent.

 

Yep, this was a t1t-for-tat. And I stand by my characterization. She did the exact same thing: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549240&p=6982870&viewfull=1#post6982870.