Should I text friends with benefits who gave me ghosty vibes

[Sarah990]

So I started a friends with benefits situation with a guy and it has and been going on for almost a month. We mainly kept in touch everyday and that set some kind of precedent on the whole arrangement but then after we hooked up on Sunday he went completely quiet.

 

On Monday night I texted and said why the silence and he sent a link of some stupid song. I then said to him I was sad because I missed his body and I followed up with a hehe.. he ignored me for 2 days. After 2 days of radio silence, I then texted on Wednesday morning and told him he didn't have to ghost me, I didn't want anything from him, just sex and told him goodbye. And he replied telling me to not jump to conclusions because he was busy with midterms, he's in law school. I didn't respond to him.

 

How was I supposed to know if he didn't tell me? I didn't reply him honestly, in fear of being ignored again. I know that in an friends with benefits situation, the guy doesn't "owe" you constant texts but that doesn't mean courtesy and respect goes out the window. Like hey I'm totally busy this week, will text you on the weekend. I think this guy is just a crappy friends with benefits.

 

Should I text him something like how were the exams or should I just leave it? We usually hook up on Sundays.

[girl1]

Personally I wouldn't text him back. If he's interested in continuing as FWB then he will contact you when he is no longer busy, but by the sounds of things he is no longer interested in continuing the arrangement. There are other men who would be a better friend to you and have more decency with replying to texts while having a FWB arrangement that works for both of you.

[JA0371]

This person would make me feel icky. I would drop him. If you're going to do a FWB thing look for someone who will make you feel good about yourself...not like a burden.

[Wiseman2]

The point of fwb is to have sex without a relationship and you are expecting him to act like a bf. If dating/relationships are what you want you need to drop him and pursue that.

So I started a friends with benefits situation with a guy. We usually hook up on Sundays.

[SweetGirl28]

Anyone you choose to be a fwb should have a degree of respect for you. Otherwise they are just a f buddy and the only contact with an f buddy is arranging the meet ups. Did you get to know a little about him first before deciding this?

You should at least find out if you have common interests and will hang out and how their communication is, plus their current and past relationship history. Then you can avoid this happening. A fwb should be fun, include hangouts it's like a casual relationship without the commitment and emotional attachment. One develops feelings, it's time to bail out.

 

Now you're left hurt and confused, but he probably is sincerely busy, and you are not his priority.

But you are coming across as annoying and clingy now. Just step back, stop texting, and see what happens.

Find another guy who will treat you better, but realize a fwb owes you nothing in the form of lovey dovey attention.

[smackie9]

Proper communication is needed to set boundaries/expectations when it comes to this type of arrangement. If you start being passive/aggressive to get your point across you will come off as clingy/cray cray. Don't do that. None of that "Oh you must be ignoring me because_____OK Goodbye then!"

 

If you want him to say goodbye, just tell him next time you get together....say something like "wake me up before you leave" or "Remember to say goodbye when you leave". And if you don't hear from him, just ask him if he's been busy or if he has time to chat or ask him how are things going. Be upbeat and fun. Stop being so negative/doomsday like.

 

If he isn't fulfilling your expectations/not getting what you want out of this arrangement, simply ditch him and find someone else.

[Sarah990]

Actually we spoke for two weeks before we actually met and we hooked up on the first date. He was more communicative and lovey dovey with a hint of coldness and he'd sometimes leave my messages on read after the first hook up but since these mid terms, he has become so unreachable.

 

I actually texted him today and just asked him how exams are going and he responded almost immediately and said that it's not going well and he's stressed so I wished him goodluck and he said thanks. He didn't even ask how I've been and to me that was the straw that broke the camels back, he doesn't have manners. I'm not looking for lovey dovey texts but he's so distant for me to engage with him on a human level or even as friends and honestly I do not feel comfortable being intimate with someone who is so distant, I need that connection, the flirting etc because as much as FWB are all about sex you have to have conversations to some degree because even in the bedroom it won't be fun, so I think I need to move on.

[Batya33]

He wasn't your friend first -you barely knew him before you got bare. This is a sexual arrangement. There's no "ghosting" - there's just getting in touch when you're horny and want to meet up. Right now he's not interested in having sex with you for whatever reason -and sure exams can stress him out and he needs to focus. FWBs if you're truly friends aren't just about sex because presumably you were good friends before you started having sex. That's not this -this is you using a coy euphemism to describe your sex partner. He's not showing bad manners IMO but you have unrealistic expectations. If you want someone who is going to interact with you as a friend, emotionally, etc there's this thing called dating where you get to know each other in a number of ways and sometimes people who date each other also choose to have sex.

[ThatwasThen]

So I started a friends with benefits situation with a guy and it has and been going on for almost a month. We mainly kept in touch everyday and that set some kind of precedent on the whole arrangement but then after we hooked up on Sunday he went completely quiet.

 

On Monday night I texted and said why the silence and he sent a link of some stupid song. I then said to him I was sad because I missed his body and I followed up with a hehe.. he ignored me for 2 days. After 2 days of radio silence, I then texted on Wednesday morning and told him he didn't have to ghost me, I didn't want anything from him, just sex and told him goodbye. And he replied telling me to not jump to conclusions because he was busy with midterms, he's in law school. I didn't respond to him.

 

How was I supposed to know if he didn't tell me? I didn't reply him honestly, in fear of being ignored again. I know that in an friends with benefits situation, the guy doesn't "owe" you constant texts but that doesn't mean courtesy and respect goes out the window. Like hey I'm totally busy this week, will text you on the weekend. I think this guy is just a crappy friends with benefits.

 

Should I text him something like how were the exams or should I just leave it? We usually hook up on Sundays.

You seem to want to have strings attached to your no strings attached arrangement.

[Pleasedonot5]

Just leave it be. Ghosty is probably and appropriate adjective to describe his current behavior. I would start looking around for another person to satisfy your needs. He may come back, he may not, but any additional text you send will make you look bad.

 

By the way, if you receive no answer, that's your answer.

[catfeeder]

Should I text friends with benefits who gave me ghosty vibes

 

No, and I'd rethink the FWB thing going forward. Decide whether you're relationship material, or you're not. If so, put that on the table up front to screen out guys who only want an FWB.

[Sarah990]

So I texted him and the conversation went like this.

 

Me: Hey, hope the exams are going well?

Him: Haaah not well, it's so stressful😭

Me: Ah sorry to hear that, wish you all the best :)

Him: Hahaha Thank you 😭

 

I didn't respond and I left it at that. I think if I'm honest with myself, I cannot do a FWB with someone who is so detached, we are not robots. I'm not going to block him or anything. It just sucks because this was a mutual exchange and the way he went about things is like he just saw me as a challenge and now he's done.

[Jibralta]

It just sucks because this was a mutual exchange and the way he went about things is like he just saw me as a challenge and now he's done.

 

Not everyone is "spongeworthy," to quote an old Seinfeld episode.

 

You run the same risk even when you're on the hunt for a boyfriend.

 

Don't waste time with people who don't respect you, FWB or otherwise.

 

Whatever your relationship preference is, you set the rules.

[Batya33]

So I texted him and the conversation went like this.

 

Me: Hey, hope the exams are going well?

Him: Haaah not well, it's so stressful😭

Me: Ah sorry to hear that, wish you all the best :)

Him: Hahaha Thank you 😭

 

I didn't respond and I left it at that. I think if I'm honest with myself, I cannot do a FWB with someone who is so detached, we are not robots. I'm not going to block him or anything. It just sucks because this was a mutual exchange and the way he went about things is like he just saw me as a challenge and now he's done.

 

Again I think it's just that you see as "robots" someone who is up for getting in touch for sex and only for that reason and meeting up and having sex. He was never a real friend to you before you started the sexual arrangement. I'm not sure what kind of challenge you were if you slept with him on the first date -I don't mean that as a dig just not how I've ever heard "challenge" defined before. What is more likely is he enjoyed having sex with you and hanging out with you and now he is busy with other things and if he wants to have sex with you again he'll be in touch. You want something different than he does. I think he is treating you with sufficient manners and respect for someone who you've arranged to see when you both want to have sex. I agree with Catfeeder.

[thealchemist]

Fwb doesn't seem to be any less complicated than a real relationship. In fact, many seem more complicated.

 

But it works the exact same as any other relationship, romantic or platonic.

 

You set standards and boundaries. If they are not met you either walk away or continue.

 

I honestly see nothing wrong with how his interactions have been with you. He has a different blueprint for a fwb situation than you.

 

You think it should be one way and he thinks it should be another. Neither one is right or wrong.

 

If your ideas aren't close enough to overlap and keep both people happy, then end the pseudo relationship.

[Batya33]

Fwb doesn't seem to be any less complicated than a real relationship. In fact, many seem more complicated.

 

But it works the exact same as any other relationship, romantic or platonic.

 

You set standards and boundaries. If they are not met you either walk away or continue.

 

I honestly see nothing wrong with how his interactions have been with you. He has a different blueprint for a fwb situation than you.

 

You think it should be one way and he thinks it should be another. Neither one is right or wrong.

 

If your ideas aren't close enough to overlap and keep both people happy, then end the pseudo relationship.

 

I think it's different- she's trying to label it as "FWB" and apply relationship rules and boundaries to it. Dating relationships are much more understood and standard even if each couple tweaks it a bit - basic that couples who date make plans for a date and go on a date. Still fairly basic that often the guy asks the gal out. When you have an arrangement where one person will call the other if he/she feels like having sex there is no structure or arrangement -sure, with dating in the beginning each date could be the last one but this is more like a business transaction -she slept with him the first time she met him sounds like and they didn't want to date each other but enjoyed the intercourse. So all that means is one calls the other if they want more sex. There's no set "arrangement" that there will ever be such a request again - it depends.

 

I do think it's different if two people are already friends -good friends who see each other or keep in touch and decide to add sex to the mix. Then the friendship relationship shouldn't change in a perfect world -might require good talks/communication - but obviously they'll keep in touch as before, see each other as before and have sex when they feel like it. Here there was no foundation -in fact she texted him that she missed "his body" - they are two bodies who enjoy getting naked and having sex. She was likely being dishonest with herself about wanting more and now describes him as a robot just because he hasn't asked her to have sex again and doesn't want to chit chat while studying for exams.

[Jibralta]

I don't think a person's sexual preference entitles them to more or less respect.

 

If you don't like what you are getting, find someone who measures up to your standards.

 

The "type" of relationship, and whether other people understand it or not, or approve of it or not, makes no difference.

 

Sarah990, don't let other people dictate to you what your standards should be. Don't accept less than what you want. This is your deal. You make the rules.

[Batya33]

I don't think a person's sexual preference entitles them to more or less respect.

 

If you don't like what you are getting, find someone who measures up to your standards.

 

The "type" of relationship, and whether other people understand it or not, or approve of it or not, makes no difference.

 

Sarah990, don't let other people dictate to you what your standards should be. Don't accept less than what you want. This is your deal. You make the rules.

 

I completely agree. I think he was acting with respect under the circumstances. Of course the context and circumstances matter. How you treat a person depends on the context. She wasn't asking for "respect" she was asking for him to interact with her as if they were friends and and if there interaction was more than a sexual arrangement when they're both horny and as she put it "misses his body" (and to her that is respectful to text to him -that's fine if it's fine with him). If I interact with a cashier I want him/her to talk to me in a respectful tone but if she doesn't ask how my day is going like the other cashiers do I'm not going to say she's treating me with disrespect although I might say the others were friendlier.

 

I don't think she knows what her sexual preference is. She's confusing herself and being dishonest with herself then claiming that someone else is disrespecting her. She's disrespecting herself. She didn't just want to meet up to have sex -she also wants him to contact her, to chat with her, to be friendly with her. He did not disrespect her in a sexual way and in my opinion not in the way he interacted with her. But she might have disrespected herself.

 

I think there's little to understand here about their interactions. She met a guy and slept with him. She liked it. She wanted to have sex again. He said he wanted to have sex again. So far he has not asked her to have sex again and has declined her invitation to have sex again. It's very very simple. What's not as simple are her expectations which seem to be kind of all over the place and her saying she's ok with "FWB" with someone she doesn't have a friendship with but she's really not apparently. Or if she is she has very specific standards and rules she wants her sex partner to abide by. But she hasn't communicated those to him so if he's not reading her mind to me that's not disrespect just an absence of that magical power on the part of a near stranger.

 

I think sex between consenting adults is totally fine. I think it's unfair to jump to the conclusion that the man in this case who she chose to have sex with on the first date and chose to pursue for more sex is acting in a disrespectful way. I think all people should be treated with respect including if they are having sex with each other. Never wrote or meant different. And yes it's irrelevant whether this type of sexual interaction would be my choosing or anyone else's. I don't think it's her choosing either but she wishes it could be.

[Sarah990]

I'm not trying to apply dating rules here. This guy takes me out on dates we don't just have sex. In the beginning of the arrangement he did text more often and we weren't even incessantly texting but just a few texts throughout the day but till recently he ignored me for two days straight. I'm not angry because I wanted him to send me lovie dovie stuff or acting super interested in my day or anything but the basic decency to just let me know that he was busy and he'd get in touch when he was free, or if he wasn't interested he could have just been upfront. I would have been cool with it. Instead, he just ignored me for two days after a month of daily texts? Anyone would be annoyed because this set up of daily texts was something that we had established as the norm for us since every FWB has it's own "norms". Even he would get annoyed if I took long to respond so I'm not being unrealistic here.

[Batya33]

I'm not trying to apply dating rules here. This guy takes me out on dates we don't just have sex. In the beginning of the arrangement he did text more often and we weren't even incessantly texting but just a few texts throughout the day but till recently he ignored me for two days straight. I'm not angry because I wanted him to send me lovie dovie stuff or acting super interested in my day or anything but the basic decency to just let me know that he was busy and he'd get in touch when he was free, or if he wasn't interested he could have just been upfront. I would have been cool with it. Instead, he just ignored me for two days after a month of daily texts? Anyone would be annoyed because this set up of daily texts was something that we had established as the norm for us since every FWB has it's own "norms". Even he would get annoyed if I took long to respond so I'm not being unrealistic here.

 

Oh ok - I didn't understand what the arrangement was. Sounds like you're casually dating and having sex on most or all of these dates. He doesn't see potential for a serious relationship but is having fun dating you. I can understand where you might feel annoyed in the sense that you had a routine of dates and that changed. I think with casual dating it's ok to assume that if you don't ask the person out again the silence =lack of interest in continuning to date.

[catfeeder]

So I texted him and the conversation went like this.

 

Me: Hey, hope the exams are going well?

Him: Haaah not well, it's so stressful😭

Me: Ah sorry to hear that, wish you all the best :)

Him: Hahaha Thank you 😭

 

I didn't respond and I left it at that. I think if I'm honest with myself, I cannot do a FWB with someone who is so detached, we are not robots. I'm not going to block him or anything. It just sucks because this was a mutual exchange and the way he went about things is like he just saw me as a challenge and now he's done.

 

You want FWB, he just wants B.