maew Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 Hey all! I met a guy online. We haven't yet met in person, but we have been texting off and on. He originally texted more, but now he has slowed down. We had discussed meeting a few times, the first time he asked to reschedule, and the last time he didn't contact me on the day until after I reached out to find out what happened. Admittedly our plan was pretty loose, I asked if he wanted to meet and he said how's Sunday? And I said that's great.... and then nothing until Sunday afternoon, at which point I contacted him and he said he hadn't heard from me so he went hiking. I guess my first question is, should I have been the one to make the plan happen and confirm it? He was clearly expecting that I be the one to firm things up... and I was expecting he would be the one to reach out because in my past experiences if the guy doesn't make something happen he probably isn't interested... I mean really it sounds stupid when I write it in black and white but I really don't know what the proper etiquette is here. He asked to reschedule (on the Sunday) and I said sure, how about Wednesday or Thursday and he said let's play it by ear, sometimes I get busy or tired from work. I said sure no problem! Today (it's Wednesday) I get a text that says... "I've talked to you once. Keeping in touch is very important and I'm getting a feeling that you're really not interested or something. You said Wednesday or Thursday might work for you. It's now Wednesday. How does your tomorrow look" I was surprised.... I didn't really know what to think... what I FELT was pissed off and like he was giving me attitude before he even met me in person! But, I tried not to react, and just said... "Keeping in touch is important, and I do this with people in my life I have built trust and relationships with... I don't have a desire to build a relationship based on texting and phone calls UNLESS we have met in person, we like each other, we want to pursue dating, and we plan to regularly meet in person. If that's what you want, that's totally cool, we are just on different pages about that sort of thing." Texting or phoning a lot without meeting creates a false sense of intimacy and I end up building up a bunch of hopes and potentially getting disappointed or pursuing someone that isn't interested in a relationship. And it isn't as though I DON'T keep in touch... I have reached out a few times, just not every day or every other day. He said he wanted to meet still, and I said okay when and where? He suggested a place that is miles away from where I work and live, and I am pretty sure I told him where I work AND the city I live in... I was surprised that he didn't suggest somewhere in the middle. But it's my own bad for not reminding him so I am letting it go for now. ANYway, my second question is, how would you feel about getting a message like that out of the blue? Do you think I am overreacting? Do people spend lots of time building relationships via text and phone before meeting in person? If so I guess I am in trouble because I have zero desire to do that lol... and for the most part the guys I have met have been on the same page... we check in once in awhile and make a plan to meet as soon as possible. EDIT: This is not the same guy as in the last post, I never heard from him again unfortunately! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 How long have you been communicating? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 He should have confirmed and establish a time, since he was asking you out. I think he either forgot, or made other plans. Also, since he had to reschedule the first time, he should have definitely been the one to firm things up. "He asked to reschedule (on the Sunday) and I said sure, how about Wednesday or Thursday and he said let's play it by ear, sometimes I get busy or tired from work. I said sure no problem! Today (it's Wednesday) I get a text that says... "I've talked to you once. Keeping in touch is very important and I'm getting a feeling that you're really not interested or something. You said Wednesday or Thursday might work for you. It's now Wednesday. How does your tomorrow look" UGH! This guy sounds flakey and uninterested. I would move on. You haven't met this guy and he is jerking you around. Link to comment
purplepaisley Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 He's just not into you enough to make any effort or priority. For one, you can't nail him down on a specific date or time. Granted, you haven't forced this either, but you've done a lot of chasing. You have continuously check in (even after the expected time) and keep following up. He just figured he hadn't heard from you so he went hiking? No. He could have and should have contacted you and made a plan before deciding you were not going to show up. You're getting noncommittal responses. I'd say that you can play it out and see how it goes (don't invest yourself in him or get attached) or drop it now. Don't contact him again. Whether this guy or someone else, I've simply learned to nail down a time or place immediately, even if I'm the one choosing. If they simply can't commit, it's pretty doomed anyway. If it takes that much pulling teeth, the odds of them having to stay late for work, sick kid, family emergency, or some other excuse to cancel at the last minute is pretty high, no matter what, and you'll be glad they at least said something ahead of time, rather than you driving 30 minutes across town only to be stood up. Low interest and lackadaisical. It's probably not worth pursuing this any further. You're even agreeing to travel much, much further than you want, and you're not suggesting something else because just getting this date/meeting has been so difficult...you'd better hope he doesn't bail after you spent a lot of time driving there. Link to comment
maew Posted April 5, 2018 Author Share Posted April 5, 2018 How long have you been communicating? Off and on since mid March. He initiated meeting a couple of times, I was either sick or traveling... then I initiated, texting him on a Tuesday to make a plan for the weekend. Link to comment
maew Posted April 5, 2018 Author Share Posted April 5, 2018 He's just not into you enough to make any effort or priority. For one, you can't nail him down on a specific date or time. Granted, you haven't forced this either, but you've done a lot of chasing. You have continuously check in (even after the expected time) and keep following up. He just figured he hadn't heard from you so he went hiking? No. He could have and should have contacted you and made a plan before deciding you were not going to show up. You're getting noncommittal responses. I'd say that you can play it out and see how it goes (don't invest yourself in him or get attached) or drop it now. Don't contact him again. Whether this guy or someone else, I've simply learned to nail down a time or place immediately, even if I'm the one choosing. If they simply can't commit, it's pretty doomed anyway. If it takes that much pulling teeth, the odds of them having to stay late for work, sick kid, family emergency, or some other excuse to cancel at the last minute is pretty high, no matter what, and you'll be glad they at least said something ahead of time, rather than you driving 30 minutes across town only to be stood up. Low interest and lackadaisical. It's probably not worth pursuing this any further. You're even agreeing to travel much, much further than you want, and you're not suggesting something else because just getting this date/meeting has been so difficult...you'd better hope he doesn't bail after you spent a lot of time driving there. If he bails it’s fine I have a friend I want to visit out that way anyway. I have been guilty of chasing in the past it’s true, however in this case I haven’t done any other than to find out what the heck happened on Sunday... Link to comment
milly007 Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 This guy sounds high maintenance, entitled, and manipulative, tbh. I wouldn't bother with him. Actually, it sounds like he wants you to chase him, and expects you to live up to certain communication standards that he doesn't even live up to himself. I mean, he was the one that left rescheduling of your Sunday meeting until you contacted him (because he said he hadn't heard from you). And then he tells you on Sunday that he isn't sure whether he can meet on Wed or Thurs (after you suggested it) because he could be tired from work, but then texts you today and basically inquires as to why he hasn't heard from you? He was the one who wasn't sure if he could meet today or tomorrow. It should be on him to touch base with you and let you know whether or not he's available and to schedule something, imo. I wouldn't bother with him, Maew. Link to comment
maew Posted April 5, 2018 Author Share Posted April 5, 2018 This guy sounds high maintenance, entitled, and manipulative, tbh. I wouldn't bother with him. Actually, it sounds like he wants you to chase him, and expects you to live up to certain communication standards that he doesn't even live up to himself. I mean, he was the one that left rescheduling of your Sunday meeting until you contacted him (because he said he hadn't heard from you). And then he tells you on Sunday that he isn't sure whether he can meet on Wed or Thurs (after you suggested it) because he could be tired from work, but then texts you today and basically inquires as to why he hasn't heard from you? He was the one who wasn't sure if he could meet today or tomorrow. It should be on him to touch base with you and let you know whether or not he's available and to schedule something, imo. I wouldn't bother with him, Maew. I was thinking the same! I thought maybe I was just overreacting... my ex used to gaslight me all the time so I think in my head I sometimes believe I am still crazy. But this tells me I am not. Link to comment
milly007 Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 I was thinking the same! I thought maybe I was just overreacting... my ex used to gaslight me all the time so I think in my head I sometimes believe I am still crazy. But this tells me I am not. No, I think there are some clear red flags here. I once had a guy send me a similar message. We scheduled a Friday first meet on the Monday evening prior. He texted me on the Friday afternoon to inform me that he was upset because I hadn't messaged him between Tuesday and Thursday to see how he's doing, and he emphasized how important communication was to him, and that he needs lots of it. It was so strange. I backed out of the meeting that we had scheduled that Friday night. I got the feeling that he expected me to cater to him and treat him as if we were in a relationship (meanwhile, we hadn't even met yet). Your situation reminded me of this, maew! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 This guy sounds high maintenance, entitled, and manipulative, tbh. I wouldn't bother with him. Actually, it sounds like he wants you to chase him, and expects you to live up to certain communication standards that he doesn't even live up to himself. I mean, he was the one that left rescheduling of your Sunday meeting until you contacted him (because he said he hadn't heard from you). And then he tells you on Sunday that he isn't sure whether he can meet on Wed or Thurs (after you suggested it) because he could be tired from work, but then texts you today and basically inquires as to why he hasn't heard from you? He was the one who wasn't sure if he could meet today or tomorrow. It should be on him to touch base with you and let you know whether or not he's available and to schedule something, imo. I wouldn't bother with him, Maew. Totally -way too high maintenance/chip on his shoulder. I communicated with some who behaved that way before meeting and I moved on. And I also was accused of leading someone on after meeting twice because we talked regularly by phone (he called 99% of the time and we had pleasant, G-rated conversations). So I'm a fan of communication pre-meeting for safety and compatibility (meaning could I hang out with this person for 45 minutes to an hour in a public place/setting) and that's it. I'm sorry this is so frustrating and annoying! Link to comment
maew Posted April 5, 2018 Author Share Posted April 5, 2018 Is he married? He’s single as far as I know.... Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 maew, I am on line dating too, actually dating someone I met, but not exclusive, so still talking to other guys. Kinda complicated but that's another thread. Honestly, after what you described in your first paragraph I would have been done, right then and there.. Made a plan for Sunday, HE doesn't bother getting in touch, and when *you* did, he announces he hadn't heard from you so decided to go hiking? I'm not an expert on gaslighting, but pretty sure that's what that was. Immediate next! Link to comment
maew Posted April 5, 2018 Author Share Posted April 5, 2018 Update: I sent him a message today saying something urgent had come up and I was unable to make it out there (true story) His response? “I bet it did. All good have a good day.” followed by “I had a feeling something like this would happen.” then “I hope it was nothing serious.” My response? “It was serious, but thanks for your rude response anyway. Have a good afternoon.” He then apologized saying he didn’t mean to be rude! I ended up blocking him... no need for further convo. Clearly dodged a bullet there! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 Yikes. Good move to block him, sounds like a weirdo. His response? “I bet it did. All good have a good day.” followed by “I had a feeling something like this would happen.” then “I hope it was nothing serious.”I ended up blocking him... no need for further convo. Clearly dodged a bullet there! Link to comment
Lambert Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 I think you should move on. If it's this complicated now and you haven't met but you already kind of feel one way about his attitude Etc Main thing: you can find someone better. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 He's not interested. Do not spend a lot of time on phone/texting. Meet early. If it's difficult to meet, they're not interested. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Update: I sent him a message today saying something urgent had come up and I was unable to make it out there (true story) His response? “I bet it did. All good have a good day.” followed by “I had a feeling something like this would happen.” then “I hope it was nothing serious.” My response? “It was serious, but thanks for your rude response anyway. Have a good afternoon.” He then apologized saying he didn’t mean to be rude! I ended up blocking him... no need for further convo. Clearly dodged a bullet there! maew, you did the right thing, in your shoes, in that moment, I would have done same. But reading this update as an objective observer, can't help from feeling a bit bad for the guy now! He's probably been flaked on and jerked around one too many times (typical on line bs) and he's become mistrustful, bitter and angry because of it. He's caught in a vicious cycle --- he gets flaked on and jerked around, becomes resentful and bitter, which he can't hide (obviously!), resulting in more rejection, increasing his bitterness = more rejection and on and on it goes! He needs a break! JMO but it's not that he didn't like you or wasn't interested, he's just to mistrustful and bitter to ever open himself up to become interested, like or trust any woman! Not your problem, and again you defintely did the right thing, but still, can't help but feel a bit sorry for someone like that. I know, too soft for my own good sometimes! lol Link to comment
maew Posted April 6, 2018 Author Share Posted April 6, 2018 maew, you did the right thing, in your shoes, in that moment, I would have done same. But reading this update as an objective observer, can't help from feeling a bit bad for the guy now! He's probably been flaked on and jerked around one too many times (typical on line bs) and he's become mistrustful, bitter and angry because of it. He's caught in a vicious cycle --- he gets flaked on and jerked around, becomes resentful and bitter, which he can't hide (obviously!), resulting in more rejection, increasing his bitterness = more rejection and on and on it goes! He needs a break! JMO but it's not that he didn't like you or wasn't interested, he's just to mistrustful and bitter to ever open himself up to become interested, like or trust any woman! Not your problem, and again you defintely did the right thing, but still, can't help but feel a bit sorry for someone like that. I know, too soft for my own good sometimes! lol Oh it’s funny actually I was totally thinking it’s sad that he reacts the way he does because he is probably pushing some good women out of his life… But you’re absolutely right I don’t have the time or the energy to deal with that sort of thing right now. It was a little too similar to my ex for comfort. :( He needs some therapy to help him work through that stuff. Link to comment
purplepaisley Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 I was thinking the same thing - he's probably been flaked on, stood up, and chased uninterested women who string him along, and he's become a bit jaded. I try to keep in mind, guys go through the same stuff women do and have many of the same insecurities. The thing is, he can't behave that way and be so aloof and expect good results. It might be time to step away from OLD for a few weeks and come back in with a better attitude. I'm also kind of wondering if his "hadn't heard from you so...." comment was him playing this, "alpha male," nonchalant game that's supposed to attract women or trying not to look desperate...he has a life and not clingy?? Or if he's just this way...doesn't care, up for a lay. I had one guy who was a fixup with a friend of mine, who pulled this "I'll let you know" when I inquired about meeting on the weekend...this did not go over well. You'll let me know? What, like you don't already know what's going on this weekend, or you just want to make sure there isn't something better happening before agreeing to meet me? No thanks. I told her the next day, and she told me that he wasn't busy, but he was probably just trying to "play it cool," and whatever, that's fine, but you never know what's going to turn someone off. When he was saying "work can get busy" so "maybe" Wednesday or Thursday, I was thinking, yeah, he's setting himself up to cancel last minute if something else comes up," even if that "something else" was just going home to watch TV because his day was so rotten and he wasn't up for it. TBH, it wouldn't surprise me if that is exactly what would have happened if the OP hadn't cancelled first. There's no crystal ball here. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 He's got a chip on his shoulder, who cares why. The net result is you got out of the line of fire.Oh it’s funny actually I was totally thinking it’s sad that he reacts the way he does because he is probably pushing some good women out of his life Link to comment
milly007 Posted April 7, 2018 Share Posted April 7, 2018 I don't feel sorry for the guy at all. Sure, maybe he's been flaked on a few times, but he shouldn't be treating women (talking to women) this way. And, I still think he was playing games. Plus, OP was clearly showing signs of interest by proposing dates so they could meet up. If anything, he appeared to be the flake here. I've also met guys who were frustrated with the online dating process (or dating in general). They didn't play games like this guy. They scheduled a meet practically asap and followed through with scheduled plans. I think there's more to this guy than him just being flaked on a few times. Still think he was acting entitled/manipulative. Link to comment
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