Hang out with ex AND his new girlfriend??

[Tryingit]

Dated a guy on and off for two years. He was not Committed to me but I was totally in love with him. He dumped me twice, for the last time a year ago after he had moved to another state. HOWEVER, we remained extremely close throughout EVERYthing. Amazingly strong communication and bond as two humans and best friends. We are very very similar people and he often calls me his female twin. Immediately after he dumped me, he started dating another girl in the other state and their relationship was at first kept from me then announced to me only when he’d breakup with her and to tell me how much she’s not great. But cat’s out the bag because he just moved back to our city and he moved in with her. So they’re pretty serious.

 

Here’s the dilemma now. He and I have been broken up phone BFFs this whole last year long distance. This means I’ve rarely seen him since breakup and I’ve never met his gf. I feel that I am fully 100% over him at this point as I no longer even find his photos attractive and I believe he sucks as a partner/bf. But, I saw him several times after he moved and felt myself sliding back into how nice it felt to be around him again and feelings coming back, which concerned me. I genuinely don’t think that’d be a problem now since Ive gotten over the hump of not having feelings anymore. We have to figure out how to deal now that we’re back in the same city again + new gf, and he 100% has every intent to keep me super close in his life. I feel kind of indifferent but it’d be nice as he is a great friend and I’m lonely.

 

He called me today making a pitch to not only expect to have him very actively in my life (see each other constantly, work together, hang like before, talk as usual, etc) but ALSO to become friends with his gf. He wants to be able to have me over their apartment and parties etc. He claims she’s totally cool with it and he texts me in front of her while they’re laying in bed all the time. He says she only cares that we don’t hookup and if we’re best friends, that’s all good with her. I told him that’s insane but I believe him; he likes doormat type women, #1 reason we didn’t workout.

 

This is some next level ex relationship sh*t. I’m over it but am I playing with fire by being for real close to him and them both? I’ve always had a little “hm why is he doing this?” thought bubble as to how hard he’s tried to keep me close in his life yet date other women. He will call me and talk to me for hours about my feelings to hash it out and make me feel fine, and it works. So curious if anyone has ever been best friends with an ex and known his new SO? Can life really be this rainbows and butterflies?

[Tryingit]

One more thing, I’m currently extremely single. That’s actually my biggest fear. Will I feel down on myself if I’m around my ex and his new gf and I’m alllll byyyyy myyyyselffffffff?

[1a1a]

I stayed friends with an ex who dumped me, and the. He got a new partner, and gave her what he wouldn’t give me ( contact time). Interacting with him has brought me nothing but pain for at least the last year. But I was never over it, only accepting that that is my new reality, there is a difference.

 

All the same I think your time would be better spent making new friends. If you do engage with them it would be way better to do that coming from a place of feeling well loved by other people!

[thorough]

That sounds like a really BAD idea. Move on w/your life, you don't need breadcrumbs from a guy who never cared for you in the 1st place.

[MissCanuck]

I think you're fooling yourself if you believe there won't eventually be a problem with this, OP.

 

Once you actually see them in person, interacting and being romantic with each other, it's going to hurt you more than your realize. I can just about guarantee it. You say you're lonely - hanging out with these two and watching them love each other won't help.

 

I also think it's unfair to insinuate that she's a doormat. You don't know this woman at all, and it's a little ironic when you keep letting him into your life too. You also have no clue if what he's saying about her being totally aware of this and cool with everything is true. It actually sounds more like she is not overly thrilled with this and wants to make it clear to you and him that if you continue to be such good buddies, she expects to be included sometimes too. My guess is that invitation to hang out all together came from her, really. She might be lovely but I think you're not reading the subtler message here either.

 

I would work on strengthening your boundaries and expanding your social circle beyond him.

[indea08]

I think if you want to continue being friends with him, then you need to make friends with her. Otherwise, you won't be his friend for much longer.

 

ETA: If you can't be friends with her, or have weird feelings about being friends with her, then thats your clue that you are not a true FRIEND to him, and you need to end your friendship with him. How would you feel if your boyfriend had a female best friend who felt weird about meeting you? Don't make yourself an issue in their relationship.

[Wiseman2]

You may be better off distancing yourself and weaning off him before they start doing it. Stop talking to him this much, even though she's not at all threatened by it. It may suck being single again, but it will suck much more being a third wheel.

[DaisyMayPorter]

It will be harder than you think to be friends with him unfortunately.

[reinventmyself]

But, I saw him several times after he moved and felt myself sliding back into how nice it felt to be around him again and feelings coming back, which concerned me. I genuinely don’t think that’d be a problem now since Ive gotten over the hump of not having feelings anymore.

 

 

Do you think you could catch feelings for him or no?

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you'd do less damage by shooting yourself in the foot. At any rate, raising your standards can do wonders for your self-esteem.

[reinventmyself]

Do you think you could catch feelings for him or no?

Can back to add another question:

If you weren't lonely as you mentioned earlier, would you still be considering this?

[ThatwasThen]

I think if you distance yourself from him you'll be more motivated to find a male partner of your own instead of sharing him with her.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It's best to date your own guy than be an intrusion on them or the lonely friend they take pity on.

I think if you distance yourself from him you'll be more motivated to find a male partner of your own instead of sharing him with her.

[catfeeder]

Hang out with ex AND his new girlfriend??

 

This would take clinging to an ex down to a whole new level.

[Batya33]

I would not because you still have feelings for him and/or they could be triggered by seeing them together. Tell him that you'd prefer if you all double date in the future.