Not Sure How to Handle This

[JustMizz]

I kind of hate to ask this here because I'm not sure of the responses I'll get, however, even if it's something I don't want to read, I should probably read it.

 

My bf and I have been seeing each other just over 5 months now. Things have been going good, for the most part. Unfortunately, he has me doubting him and I don't like it at all.

 

A few days before Christmas, he told me he ordered me a new phone as a gift. I didn't ask for a gift, certainly not a $900 phone, he just decided to do this on his own. Well, I've yet to he given the phone. It took a couple of weeks for him to pick the phone up. Then a few weeks of him forgetting to bring the phone (he always comes to my home because it's the same distance from his job as his home, and I have a daughter so I don't want to stay the night off away from her). And then, after reminding him a few times before he came to my house, he showed up without the phone again. He said he had ordered me a case and charging deck and wanted to give it all to me together.

 

A few weeks ago, he went out of town for work and was supposed to stop by my work to give me the phone. However, he got busy and couldn't get to me before he had to go to the airport. When he got back to town, he came to see me, but he said he stopped by his place to take his bags out of his truck and forgot the phone was in one of the bags with his laptop. He said he had to go back to get his laptop the next day and would get my phone.

 

Some of y'all know I have anxiety, and my curiosity got the best of me. I peeked inside his truck when I took my dog out and his laptop was in the passenger seat. When I mentioned that to him, he acted surprised and said he thought it was in the bag at his house. At this point, I shut down. He asked if I was ready to go eat and I just shrugged my shoulders. He got angry and grabbed his keys and said he was going to get my phone so I'd drop my attitude. He didn't make it back, said he was called to work.

 

Since then, I haven't mentioned the phone. I dont even care if I get it, I just want to know if it was even actually bought or if this has just been one big charade. I hate doubting him, especially since it makes no sense that he would just make this all up when I didn't even ask for a gift.

 

So, I'm here asking how I should handle this. How can I ask him about it without being accusatory and potentially making him defensive? I know it doesn't look good...and I really need to know, not just for peace of mind, but I need to buy a new phone if he didn't get me one.

[Batya33]

Look, it's odd but when someone offers you a gift unfortunately you can't ask about it again really. I made a huge faux pas like that once and it was cringeworthy. The only saving grace was I was 19, it was for my 20th birthday and the gift giver (boyfriend's parents) were really nice/tolerant of me asking.

 

There are a few possibilities -he canceled the order because he realized he couldn't afford it and he's embarrassed about it. He just keeps forgetting because it's not high on his priority list. Or, it's not a legit phone and now he realizes it and is not sure what to do.

 

I think you going all cold on him was kind of childish and I don't blame him for being annoyed.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's only 5 mos in and he's staying at your place a lot. How much do you know about him? Sounds like a string-along charade. Empty promises usually are found out. Worse is his reaction when you confronted him on it. Don't hold your breath for the elusive phone.

My bf and I have been seeing each other just over 5 months now.he always comes to my home because it's the same distance from his job as his home, and I have a daughter so I don't want to stay the night off away from her. He got angry and grabbed his keys and said he was going to get my phone so I'd drop my attitude.

[Rich Humphries]

I would guess, there is no phone. Think about it- sounds like he either wanted to look good, was caught in the moment or just didn’t think you’d mention it. I don’t think the phone is that important in this story. Is it the phone or that you want an honest person. I would guess that it’s the latter, in which case, have a think if this person is your sort of person.

[JustMizz]

I would guess, there is no phone. Think about it- sounds like he either wanted to look good, was caught in the moment or just didn’t think you’d mention it. I don’t think the phone is that important in this story. Is it the phone or that you want an honest person. I would guess that it’s the latter, in which case, have a think if this person is your sort of person.

 

Its really not even about the phone. I need to know if it has all been a lie. I need honesty in a relationship.

[Starlight925]

Shady behavior all around. Tells you he bought you a $900 item (forget whether it's a phone, it's nine hundred dollars!!!), that you never even expressed an interest in, and almost 2 months later, he's still holding it over your head like a carrot.

 

And lying about it, saying it's in his laptop bag, which was clearly on the front seat. Which, by the way, is how laptops get stolen. But I digress.....

 

Lying at the least, controlling at the most. You decide what to do.

 

Yes, you've acted a bit passive-aggressively in this, but I know you don't know what else to do.

 

Just straight up ask him, or he's going to continue the "Ha ha, I've got a gift for you and you can't have it" game till next Christmas.

[JustMizz]

Sorry to hear this. It's only 5 mos in and he's staying at your place a lot. How much do you know about him? Sounds like a string-along charade. Empty promises usually are found out. Worse is his reaction when you confronted him on it. Don't hold your breath for the elusive phone.

 

We usually only see each other once or twice a week. I do kind of get the string along vibe, however he talks a lot about the future and where he'd like for us to end up.

 

I probably should not have shut down when I asked about the laptop, but I honestly did not know what to say or think at that time. That's the first time he's ever shown any anger in my presence. It was more of a bratty anger, too.

 

As I said earlier, I don't even care about the phone. I just need the truth. I think I'm gonna plan to go to his place and see what happens.

[Wiseman2]

Forget the phone. He's stringing you along with a lot of talk and no action. You have never been to his place? Do not just show up.

I do kind of get the string along vibe. I think I'm gonna plan to go to his place and see what happens.

[JaggerJim]

For someone to say they had purchased a $900 phone as a gift and then just can't give it to you - is a red flag.

 

Why announce the dollar value? He'd be rushing to your door with this exclusive present, waiting for your reaction and appreciation. Instead he's acting like it's such a big deal to go 5 mins to his house.

 

I'd be careful if I were you.

[DancingFool]

You know....you could exercise some honesty yourself and tell him straight up that you don't care about the phone, however, you don't like to be lied to. If he didn't buy the phone, changed, his mind, whatever the case may be, you don't really care about the gift, but it's critical to you that he simply tells you the truth no matter what the truth may be. You value honesty, even when it's not what you like to hear, above all else. He needs to hear that message from you loud and clear.

 

Btw, barely 5 months in, talking about a future is kind of nonsense. You are still very much in the honeymoon stage and don't know enough about each other. In fact, this gift thing is the first time you are seeing some of his colors.....tip of the iceberg really. You've got a lot more to learn about each other before you can realistically talk future together.

[JustMizz]

Forget the phone. He's stringing you along with a lot of talk and no action. You have never been to his place? Do not just show up.

 

No, I've never been. I didn't mean I would just show up. I meant tell him I want to spend the weekend at his place for a change.

 

DancingFool, that's what I'm here asking. What's the best way to approach the conversation. Also, we are in our late 30s, not young kids with no relationship experience. I think its normal to talk about future plans, wants, dreams, especially at our age. I do agree that we have a lot to learn about each other. It's not as if we're about to make any huge decisions right now.

[Wiseman2]

5 mos dating and never invited to his house is even a bigger red flag than his lying about the phone. Is he married/living with someone?

No, I've never been.I think its normal to talk about future plans, wants, dreams, especially at our age.

[JustMizz]

5 mos dating and never invited to his house is even a bigger red flag than his lying about the phone. Is he married/living with someone?

 

No, he's not. He recently moved to a new apartment. He is divorced and lives on his own. He lives about an hour away and we just got in the groove of him always coming to my town. I'm sure he would have no issue with me going to his place. In fact, he wants me to check out his new apartment, we just haven't made the actual plans to do it.

 

He doesn't disappear for days or anything like that. And when hes with me, his phone rarely receives any texts or calls.

 

I really don't get the vibe that he's living with someone else.

[JustMizz]

I haven't even mentioned the phone and he text and said he's gonna bring it tomorrow.

 

I'll see if it happens. If not, we're gonna have a talk about it.

[boltnrun]

Hopefully he keeps his promise this time and doesn't "forget" or leave it in another bag, or at home, etc...

[limichelle]

I can't stand little lies like that. It's not about the gift itself it's the fact his actions to his words don't add up. OP I would wonder if not just the phone what else he will do this with?