My GF went to a movie with another guy.

[NesterNelson]

My GF and I had been in a relationship for over an year.

We live about 1 hour apart because we attend graduate schools in different areas, so usually, we only see each other only on the weekends. For this weekend, I was very busy with school, so I could not go see her.

 

And I just saw that my GF posted photos of her at the movie theater and a selfie shot with another guy friend at the theater (not inside the auditorium, but it somewhere like a lounge area where they have movie posters and stuff). Although this guy is a long friend of her, whom I have met and hang out before, I am feeling bothered by the fact that she did not let me know before going to the theater with him, and that I just found about this because she posted these photos on the social media.

 

I don't have any problem with her going out, but like I said, I feel uncomfortable about the fact that;

 

1. Not letting me know that she was going out to the movie with her "long time guy friend"

2. Finding about this only after she posted a selfie shot with this guy on the social media.

 

I'm asking for your advice and thoughts before I talk about this with my GF, because I don't want to sound or be controlling. But right now I'm feeling like a complete fool for experiencing something like this. Thank you.

[arjumand]

I think that if you have no reason to not trust her then you should stop trying to keep her on a leash -- she has to inform you of who she goes to the movies with because you are insecure and controlling? Why exactly did she have to share that? If you don't trust her, stop dating her.

[Hollyj]

Is she required to check in/get permission before her social outings? I don't understand!!

 

It is her friend. I would not talk to her about this, or you will look like an insecure controlling bf. If my bf came to me with this, I would reconsider the relationship, as I am not his child/property

 

Let this go. I would also address your thought process and controlling , mistrustful nature.

[NesterNelson]

Then I guess then it is acceptable in her perspective for myself to go out on a Saturday night movie date with another girl.

[Hollyj]

Then I guess then it is acceptable in her perspective for myself to go out on a Saturday night movie date with another girl.

 

Yes. If she is a platonic friend. And it was not a date. I do not date my friends, we hang out.

 

I strongly suggest you reread what we responded. You are being very controlling and insecure. SHE DOES NOT NEED YOUR PERMISSION!

[DanZee]

Yeah, I agree with Hollyj. Park your jealousy at the curb. She is an individual. She doesn't need your permission to go out to the movies with a friend. You turned down plans to be with her this weekend, so she went out with a friend. It's no big deal unless you make it a big deal. If she was cheating on you, she wouldn't have posted the pictures. Calm down.

[Krankor]

OP; I get it. You know this dude's just a friend and you know that you can't tell your girlfriend that she can't go out. And yet seeing her post pics of herself at the movies with another guy just doesn't quite sit well with you on a visceral level. A logical part of your brain is saying "It's no biggie, they're just friends" but a strong part of your genetic hard-wiring--one designed to identify potential threats to your reproductive success--is saying "Forget that noise. Something stinks here and it the movie theater popcorn." You're trying to square those two conflicting voices so you've decided that it mostly bothers you that she didn't tell you, but that's not really it. You just don't like that she went to the movies with another guy.

 

So, what are we going to do about those conflicting voices? Well, let's first recognize that the former is likely to be correct, at least in this case. This guy's not an ex, nor is he some dude who she only recently "befriended." If your girlfriend and he are old friends then it's unlikely that something romantic is going to suddenly bubble up between them.

 

Still, you have a right to decide what your own boundaries are. Some couples have an understanding that one on one hangouts with members of the opposite sex are verboten, and I think that's valid. I mean, it's kind of strict but I do believe that there is something to be said for avoiding the appearance of impropriety. However, it is unlikely that your girlfriend will agree to this boundary. And the idea of having to check in or get permission before going out isn't a reasonable boundary in any relationship. In your case, I would just let this go. Otherwise, you can decide that your girlfriend doesn't share your values about boundaries and move on.

[Tinydance]

Well, I think as some posters have been saying, it's personal choice how a couple runs their relationship and some people may decide that both them and their partner won't hang out with the opposite gender. I personally think that's really over the top. I think this needs to be judged on a case by case scenario. In this case, if this guy is an old friend of your girlfriend and there's nothing going on, then I don't think you should even say anything to her about it. Just because it's a male doesn't mean she can't go to a movie with him or take a selfie. Maybe if he stayed the night at her place or something that may seem a bit weird but they were in a public place just hanging out. I also think that men and women can actually be friends if they're not attracted to each other. And not every single man and every single woman are into each other. Do you have any female friends yourself, or only male? If you don't want your girlfriend to hang out with male friends then to be fair you also shouldn't hang out with any females. But yeah your girlfriend is allowed to have friends and this one just happens to be male.

[panther]

If she was hiding something from you, she wouldn‘t have posted on social media.

Why would she need to check with you first? What if it was a girl she went to the movies with, should she then also check with you first?

[Starlight925]

this guy is a long friend of her, whom I have met and hang out before,

 

^^^ This right here is the reason you shouldn't let yourself get upset about this.

 

Look, I get it. You see pics of your girlfriend with another guy on a Saturday night, and it's like, whoa, what's going on?

 

But the fact that you know him, and you know he's a longtime friend of hers, that you've actually hung out with before, leads me to ask a question: Is there something fishy about this guy? Or did they have more of a relationship in the past? Do you feel like she's hiding anything from you?

 

If the answers to the above questions are no, then you have nothing to worry about, and no, you shouldn't bring it up.

 

If he's purely a platonic friend of hers, then it should be all cool.

 

Let me ask another question: if the selfie was your girlfriend and a female friend of hers, would you have the same reaction?

[IAmFCA]

Then I guess then it is acceptable in her perspective for myself to go out on a Saturday night movie date with another girl.

 

You knew when you wrote this that you going "out on a saturday night movie date with another girl" is not at all the same thing as your gf going to the movies with an established, long standing friend of many years whom you've met.

 

If you argue in this manner with her, you are being destructive to your relationship. Be more responsible with your emotions.

 

And this is the issue at hand- you KNOW this is ok, you just don't like the way it feels. THAT is your issue and your responsibility to manage. The way you manage it is (1) remind yourself who your gf is, what you know about her character, and that you intend to keep her, (2) remind yourself that you are her bf, she has chosen you and you don't have any need to compete with this guy she's known for years and yet he's not her bf. (3) You remind yourself how much it stunk when your past relationships went stale because everything you did was together and subject to each others approval. who wants to live like that? (4) you feel proud of yourself for choosing someone who makes such good friendships and has her own life. (5) you think about something more productive, like, what do you need to do next to advance your own life?

[melancholy123]

Why should she have to tell you she's going to the movies or wherever with this guy, or any guy for that matter? You do sound controlling, which is not a good trait to have.

[annie24]

If she was hiding something from you, she wouldn‘t have posted on social media.

Why would she need to check with you first? What if it was a girl she went to the movies with, should she then also check with you first?

 

Yes, I agree. I think that trust is crucial, especially in a long distance relationship. She could have not posted it at all and you wouldn't have known anything. I guess the thing here is - do you trust her or not? If you don't trust her, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

[Imho]

Then I guess then it is acceptable in her perspective for myself to go out on a Saturday night movie date with another girl.

 

According to your post she was friends with this guy before she started dating you. Perhaps it was a last minute decision but even if it wasn't why would she need your permission or to let you know she is hanging out with her friend? If she was trying to hide it I'm sure she wouldn't have posted it on social media. It is acceptable for you to go to the movies with a female friend you have known awhile. A date is totally different. The question you should ask yourself is Why is this bothering you? You do sound controlling and if you approach the topic in a confrontational way it may cause problems in the relationship. It would for me.

[Seymore]

I think calling the guy controlling for feeling the way he does is really jumping the gun. He didn't control her, therefore he isn't controlling her. I can sympathize with him FEELING that way - I've felt that way too. Did I tell the girl to stop hanging out with the guy? No. You grit your teeth and trust that if the dude pulled anything she would let you know, or do something about it. He doesn't have to LIKE it.

 

I really like Krankor's response.

[superme]

I think you have valid concerns.

If she fully respects you, she should have at least let you know.

Maybe u can try speaking to her?

[Unreasonable]

My rule of thumb is, if you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you trust them until they give you reason not to. I think what happened here was miscommunication of the boundaries. There are LOT of people that believe a guy and a girl can't be "just friends," and have personal experience to back that up. There are also a LOT of people that say "that's ridiculous!" and have personal experience to back that up. But that's something that needs to be discussed separately from this incident.

 

And yes, maybe you do need to go out on a date-like activity with a female friend, in a non-vindictive matter. Maybe it will spark up a conversation, maybe she'll be fine with it.

[sammy1592]

If this was some random guy that you had never seen or heard of before then I could understand why you'd be concerned. But you said yourself that this is a long time friend that you were already aware of. And you knew that you wouldn't be able to see her on this particular day because you were busy. So I don't see why on earth she would need to tell you in advance that she was going to spend time with a friend. You're not her parent, she doesn't have to check in with you every time she does something.

 

I have a couple of very close guy friends that I hang out with all the time without informing my boyfriend first, and he doesn't care at all because he knows them and trusts me. Take a lesson from him.

[jimthzz]

OK, you're not controlling to be wary of some guy trying to poach your GF. It really doesn't matter if the guy in question has been a long-time friend or not.

 

If a guy thinks he has a shot at sex, many will just take it--loyalty be damned. I can't speak for women, but I would suppose there is a similar inhibition/lack of inhibition ratio if their BF is not around.

 

Personal integrity is hard to gauge from an internet forum.

 

Seriously, it really could be a new guy or an old guy. It merely depends on intent of your GF and said guy.

 

Posting selfies could be a cover (if you want to be avoiding suspicion, it is a clever tactic).

 

Or not.

 

One way to know if it was a date, not strictly platonic, is to find out if she paid for her own ticket.

 

Maybe it's time you upped your game and started seeing her more.

[Usa1ah]

My GF and I had been in a relationship for over an year.

We live about 1 hour apart because we attend graduate schools in different areas, so usually, we only see each other only on the weekends. For this weekend, I was very busy with school, so I could not go see her.

 

And I just saw that my GF posted photos of her at the movie theater and a selfie shot with another guy friend at the theater (not inside the auditorium, but it somewhere like a lounge area where they have movie posters and stuff). Although this guy is a long friend of her, whom I have met and hang out before, I am feeling bothered by the fact that she did not let me know before going to the theater with him, and that I just found about this because she posted these photos on the social media.

 

I don't have any problem with her going out, but like I said, I feel uncomfortable about the fact that;

 

1. Not letting me know that she was going out to the movie with her "long time guy friend"

2. Finding about this only after she posted a selfie shot with this guy on the social media.

 

I'm asking for your advice and thoughts before I talk about this with my GF, because I don't want to sound or be controlling. But right now I'm feeling like a complete fool for experiencing something like this. Thank you.

 

It is either you do or don’t have a problem with your girlfriend dating another guy.

 

They went on a date together. Apparently she doesn’t care that everybody she knows knows about it. No problem she has a steady bf and is dating on the side.

[Usa1ah]

Yes. If she is a platonic friend. And it was not a date. I do not date my friends, we hang out.

 

I strongly suggest you reread what we responded. You are being very controlling and insecure. SHE DOES NOT NEED YOUR PERMISSION!

 

Just because OP and you have different values doesn’t make him insecure and controlling. Those two words are used a lot by cheaters by the way. Most people are not ok with their SO going out on a date with someone of the opposite sex. Most of us are ok with them going out when th a group of friends which is completely different than one on one.

 

OP’s girlfriend was disrespectful by not giving a heads up with what she was doing. This is called communication in a relationship. She also doesn’t care who saw her on a date with another guy knowing she is in a relationship. Just a simple “Hey going to the movies and so and so asked to tag along” was all that was needed. By not doing this shows that she really doesn’t care about OP. Great guy to date for now I guess. I would not have put up with this when I was dating, next words to the gf would have been “ hope things work out with your new boyfriend “.

[Usa1ah]

Yes. If she is a platonic friend. And it was not a date. I do not date my friends, we hang out.

 

I strongly suggest you reread what we responded. You are being very controlling and insecure. SHE DOES NOT NEED YOUR PERMISSION!

 

You are completely right about her not needing his permission, it would have been nice of her to break up first before she started dating the other guy.