Cell phones and relationships

[donegirl]

My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me because I went through his phone and found many conversations with other woman. He mentioned I have a mental problem for going through his phone since it's off limits and I have no reason to look or touch it, is this normal?

 

I figure that there's no need to hide phones if we are already talking about marriage n specially not a reason to break up...

[Seraphim]

I don't troll my husband's phone and he doesn't touch mine . You have to marry somebody with the same boundaries. Some people believe that there is still privacy in marriage and some don't and the two don't mix .

[KJthereal]

Clearly your suspicions were justified if you found multiple conversations of him chatting to other girls......

 

I think every relationship is different. Some couples have every password to each others things, others prefer privacy. I don't agree with snooping, I don't think it is ever a good idea, but I don't think it is a "mental problem". I personally do not like the idea of my S/O snooping through my phone but if he did so, I have nothing to hide(other than embarassing google searches lol) and I would not break up with him for it. He has done it before in fact I wasn't happy cos it shows lack of trust and respect IMO but in your case he was being untrustworthy so you should have ended things anyway. He is not in the right.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Has something like this happened before or was this the first time? Is this the first break-up? Do you trust him? If so, why were you looking through his phone?

[j.man]

I have several conversations with other women in my phone. Oddly enough, I interact with a few of them in my social and professional life. I'd likewise dump a woman the instant she invaded my privacy. Being together with my now fiancee for 4 years, it may not be an on-the-spot decision, but we'd need to sit down with a counselor and she'd need a pretty remarkable story for my mind to not be made up in favor of leaving. I don't do trustless relationships, period. In addition, people speak to me and confide in me understanding it's me they're talking to or messaging. It's a betrayal of their confidence if a third party is digging through those correspondences.

[Hollyj]

Were the convos platonic or flirty?

[pippy longstocking]

Because of the experiences I have had , like many , I would dump someones ass the minute they over stepped a boundary in this way , my phone , my lap top , everything . Getting married is no reason to invade a persons privacy .......

[Snny]

Partners are entitled to privacy even in marriages. I have been with my husband for 13 years and we do not snoop on each other's electronic accounts (especially since some of the things are work confidential).

 

If you don't trust your boyfriend (I.e. The snooping), then you really should not marry him.

[Wiseman2]

Trust, respect and boundaries are crucial to good relationships. This scenario has none of these components.

My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me because I went through his phone and found many conversations with other woman. He mentioned I have a mental problem for going through his phone

[PICCOLLO]

Were the conversations in the phone reason for concern?

 

I personally have no ssue with my girlfriend going through my phone. Id be more concerned by the reason she felt she needed to.

[Batya33]

I do not look at my husband's phone or emails, etc and he doesn't look at mine unless we ask the other one to, which we do once in awhile. I don't even think he knows my passcode but I think about telling him for an emergency, etc. I do leave my social media account accessible and I am 99.9% sure he'd never even think to look at it unless I left the screen up and he happened to glance. His email sometimes pops up on my screen and I will glance and once in a blue moon I'll tell him that I think he should check email if it looks like it might be important. I do send personal emails and texts and I wouldn't like him looking at them. And yes I am 100% faithful and I did not take vows to be blind or never to share personal stuff with my friends. So yes, if I joke about how I have a little crush on a radio personality with my friends I wouldn't want him to see that because it might hurt his feelings for absolutely no reason at all - it's a harmless comment that of course I would never act on. And I'm entitled to my privacy about it from my spouse. Others can disagree.

[melancholy123]

I think he got upset because he knew there were convos on his phone that he didnt want you to see so it's easy to blame you and tell you that you have a mental problem. I dont care if my husband looks thru my phone, nor would he care if I look thru his. Without trust you've got nothing.

[Starlight925]

I think he got upset because he knew there were convos on his phone that he didnt want you to see so it's easy to blame you and tell you that you have a mental problem. I dont care if my husband looks thru my phone, nor would he care if I look thru his. Without trust you've got nothing.

 

^^^ Exactly. He used the words "mental problem" to deflect from his own bad behavior. Throwing the blame onto you removes him from observation, so now, this is what you become concerned with....do I really have a mental problem? Is there something wrong with me? Oldest blame trick in the book.

 

What were your suspicions that led to your desire to look at his phone?

 

I have very different views on stuff like this than anyone else. IMO, if one person has suspicions, the first thing to do is talk to the partner. Usually, the offending partner hems and haws, and deflects from a real answer, which is your first clue that there really is something to hide. Barring a true answer, I think it's not only fine, but advisable to investigate on one's own, as this can save months, years, or a lifetime of always wondering what's going on.

 

I get that snooping is a huge violation of privacy, and in my last relationship, although I had so many suspicions that never got erased by talking with him, I never did it. I just left the relationship, as I did catch him in a couple of lies and decided "lie to me 3 times, shame on me". But if we were married or otherwise more tied together, I'd have snooped.

 

Then again, the desire to snoop, to me, negates the whole reason we desire a relationship: warmth, trust, security.

[itsallgrand]

I would be reassessing my relationship if my partner went through my phone without my permission. Same if he went through my computer files without permission, my purse, my wallet, anything that is personally mine . It's a violation of privacy and trust. Being committed to each other and/or married doesn't erase that we are individual people. I wouldn't marry under those circumstances .

 

Obviously you don't trust him. So you snooped. Now he left you. What was it you found? And was it worth throwing away the relationship for? Was he cheating?

[annie24]

Were the conversations flirtatious or just friends?

 

This post reminds me of something that Dan Savage, a sex advice columnist said along the lines of, "If you snoop and find nothing, you are in the wrong. If you snoop and find evidence that they are cheating/doing something bad, then their wrong is worse than your wrong."

 

The thing about snooping is that once you do it, you have to do something with what you found. He's texting with other women. If the conversations are platonic, then you are being a jerk and you should break up with him because you don't trust him. If he's flirting with these women, you should break up with him because he's not being faithful. So.... basically, you need to break up, either way.

[reinventmyself]

I've had both experiences. Feeling suspicious and insecure, wondering if I had a `mental problem'. The urge to snoop was overwhelming.

Then I've the other experience where the thoughts, suspicions and concerns never crossed my mind.

I felt both ways, totally opposites for very valid reasons.

 

I am not going judge people who snoop, but you better have a very good reason do it.

And you better be prepared to deal with what you find and

you better be prepared to deal with possibility that you were mistaken and violated someone's privacy.

The risk better be worth it.

 

But it's a symptom of something much larger than needs to addressed before it ever gets that far.

If you are a feeling that insecure then either it's not the right relationship for you or you have some insecurities

that need to be addressed.

 

Things come full circle when you work on your insecurities.

You choose or attract better partners and the urge to check up on them is a mute point.