I'm 49 and I just got dumped

[abitbroken]

True but we had good times too. No relationship is going to be perfect. We had something that kept us together for a long time. Our relationship wasn’t as dysfunctional as many couples I know.

Now it’s really clear to me what I want and new guy is it. We are going to go away together for a few days in February and I cannot wait!

 

Yes it was dysfunctional because he was married the whole time. There is nothing functional about it. And you are in denial because you told us about his behavior - and the whole reason for you starting this thread was due to dysfunctional reasons.

 

Trust me - men who move WAY TOO FAST in the start of the relationship often turn out to be not what you think. If he is the right guy - he'll be the right guy after you get yourself in counseling and take a breather. Otherwise if this crashes and burns, you will be back to where you started - things will be a train wreck yet again and you will find some other guy to distract you

[Hollyj]

She will not listen. Finding a new man is her main focus.

 

OP, have you ever thought about your parents raising your child? Then you could put all your focus on your love life.

[LazyDaisy]

She will not listen. Finding a new man is her main focus.

 

OP, have you ever thought about your parents raising your child? Then you could put all your focus on your love life.

 

Oh my gosh. Single parents are allowed to date! Why would I give up custody. Thats the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

He is well cared for, well adjusted and healthy and happy.

He wants his mom to be happy too.

We do plenty together. He’s playing sports and i go to every game. We have dinner together every night. We watch movies and play games together.

I’m not going to feel guilty for having a love life.

[Hollyj]

No one should feel guilty. But, yo were in a very unhealthy relationship with a married man for 11 years. Not a week later, you have jumped to another man. That's bizarre.

 

Have you ever been without a man? Or, do you go from relationship to relationship?

 

Are you working on expanding your social circle, instead of putting all of your social activities on this guy?

[reinventmyself]

Oh my gosh. Single parents are allowed to date! Why would I give up custody. Thats the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

He is well cared for, well adjusted and healthy and happy.

He wants his mom to be happy too.

We do plenty together. He’s playing sports and i go to every game. We have dinner together every night. We watch movies and play games together.

I’m not going to feel guilty for having a love life.

 

Don't make me go back, but I am pretty sure that previously while planning a way overdue dinner date with your son, that you admitted that you were indeed distracted and not

being an available mother as much as you should be.

[LazyDaisy]

I was without a man from the time I found out I was pregnant until my son was 14 months old. So about 2 years i was without a man.

I was perfectly happy taking care of my baby. Then a friend set me up with the jerk.

I made plans with friends for Saturday and next Friday I am doing something with other moms from my sons school.

I know its kind of bizzare going right to a new guy. But he is AMAZING. There is no way I’m giving him up voluntarily. I deserve him.

[reinventmyself]

ok. . good luck

I'm out.

[Hollyj]

Good luck.

 

I'm out, too.

[abitbroken]

Oh my gosh. Single parents are allowed to date! Why would I give up custody. Thats the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.

He is well cared for, well adjusted and healthy and happy.

He wants his mom to be happy too.

We do plenty together. He’s playing sports and i go to every game. We have dinner together every night. We watch movies and play games together.

I’m not going to feel guilty for having a love life.

 

Yes - single parents can date - and many should!!

 

however, that's a straw argument at this point. People, regardless of being parents or not, need to do self care. If you just got out of an 11 year relationship, you were motivated to go to counseling and to figure out why you do what you do -- then all the sudden here's this guy and the world is perfect. Whether your 11 year relationship was good or bad - it wasn't an appropriate one. relationships end and if we don't properly process the loss it will only come back to bite us later. Right now you are very distracted with this new guy and you are in the infatuation stage. I don't care if you had a crush on him when you were 12 - he is not that 12 year old - you are having fun now - but slooooow down.

 

your life was centered around a kid and a guy and now the guy is gone you instantly replace him. taking care of a baby is all consuming, so when you were without a relationship until your son was 14 months -- doesn't really count as working on your stuff. You need to make time for friends, other family members and have hobbies and interests other than another dude.

[boltnrun]

Op, I get that you must have a man in your life. What you did when your son was an infant is irrelevant now, as you yourself stated you are "terrified" to not have a man around.

 

While this is terribly unhealthy, I can see you will not be dissuaded against doing what is not in either your child's or your best interest.

[LazyDaisy]

Honestly, I can’t see why this is unhealthy. I met a man I am crazy about who is crazy about me. I’m happier then I have ever been in my life. He comes from a good family, he wants to eventually get married and settle down as do I. We have so much fun together. I don’t really go to see him until after i have had dinner with my son. Who is then watched by his grandparents that absolutely adore him.

 

Geez. Somebody better call DYFCS.

[boltnrun]

Jumping from one man to the next because you're "terrified" to be single is indeed unhealthy.

 

You're also teaching your son that women cannot possibly survive emotionally without a man.

 

No, your son is not in any danger from neglect, abuse or starvation or anything else that is affecting his physical well-being. But the lessons he's learning from you about women's dependency on men for their self-worth will stay with him.

[LazyDaisy]

Maybe my last relationship was sending the wrong message to my son regarding relationships. But the new one is not. I’m dating and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s natural for humans to crave the company of a partner. Maybe it was too soon for me to start dating again but the new guy is everything I’ve been looking for. I’ve fallen head over heels for him. I’d be willing to bet that him and I have a long, healthy future together. I think we will be married in a year.

[LazyDaisy]

Ok. I feel him pulling away a little. I guess things got a little to intense.

So I’m going to pull back to. Because I really don’t want to blow this.

How do I not dwell on him? How do I stop checking my phone every 5 minutes?

How do i stop worrying when I don’t hear from him?

Is this why I need therapy?

I definitely have trust issues.

15 years ago the love if my life walked out on me for no reason and without any notice. Just one day said he didn’t want to be together anymore. I went into shock and took an overdose 2 day later. But that was 15 years ago and I thought I was over it. I even friended him on Facebook a few weeks ago because I am so over it.

But I guess that scarred me for life. I don’t trust anyone now. I need constant reassurance and people just aren’t capable of that. Its hard to keep up that kind of momentum.

So please, any tips on how to be self confident and less obsessed would be greatly appreciated.

[Seraphim]

Are you taking your meds? Because you are super manic and then low and then manic and then low? I was raised by a bipolar parent. I can see it.

[LazyDaisy]

Ok. Im making a therapy appointment tomorrow.

And I’m going to stop being so available to the new guy. When he texts me next, in just not going to respond for a while. Hate to play games but I guess im going to have to. i have to get back in control real quick. Let him be the one feeling insecure.

[Seraphim]

Ok. Im making a therapy appointment tomorrow.

And I’m going to stop being so available to the new guy. When he texts me next, in just not going to respond for a while. Hate to play games but I guess im going to have to. i have to get back in control real quick. Let him be the one feeling insecure.

Wrong. He is not trying to make you feel insecure. YOU feel insecure. INSIDE YOU. Don’t play games but don’t run at a million miles an hour either. THAT is manic.

[boltnrun]

And this is why we are telling you this is unhealthy.

 

You're stewing and fretting over a man you've been dating for what, 3 weeks? When you were about 2 weeks out of an 11 year relationship that was dysfunctional and damaging.

 

I assure you, your son is observing all of this.

[Seraphim]

And this is why we are telling you this is unhealthy.

 

You're stewing and fretting over a man you've been dating for what, 3 weeks? When you were about 2 weeks out of an 11 year relationship that was dysfunctional and damaging.

 

I assure you, your son is observing all of this..

Absolutely 100%. I have stories that would curl people’s hair . Kids are not unobservant idiots .

[LazyDaisy]

Ok boltnrun. But can’t I continue to date him while I work on myself?

I’ll just let him know that I’ve got to go slower.

I feel like someone always has the upper hand in a relationship and I want it to be me, not him.

[boltnrun]

A relationship shouldn't be a power struggle. You should be equals.

 

And that's why I think therapy would be beneficial. You have some unhealthy ideas about relationships that a therapist can help you with.

[LazyDaisy]

I am going to make an appointment tomorrow with a therapist.

I felt like we were into equally until this morning. I feel he changed and is pulling back. Maybe just my imagination.

He told me he loves me last night. Maybe he scared himself.

[LazyDaisy]

Wrong. He is not trying to make you feel insecure. YOU feel insecure. INSIDE YOU. Don’t play games but don’t run at a million miles an hour either. THAT is manic.

 

How do I stop feeling insecure? What do I do? I don’t want to play games but I feel thats the only way to keep him interested and to not get hurt.

I feel like he is losing interest already.

[LazyDaisy]

Absolutely 100%. I have stories that would curl people’s hair . Kids are not unobservant idiots .

 

I want to change. I don’t want to set a bad example. i just don’t know how. I don’t know why I make men the center of my universe. I have always done this. I drop everything in order to be available to them. I give and give and give myself away.

I’m afraid I’ve already ruined this. I’m so sad.

[LazyDaisy]

I feel like i want to die. I feel like telling him its over. Just to regain my composure here. I’m having panic attacks all day. I hate this feeling of impending doom. I just know he is going to end it. Ill be alone forever.