I'm 49 and I just got dumped

[LazyDaisy]

Did your parents know your ex was married?

 

I know you think life is "scary" without a man, but you have a golden opportunity to show your son that he is number one.

 

Yes. They knew and weren’t happy about it.

 

My son is well taken care of. If and when i do go out he stays with my parents.

 

I haven’t heard from the new guy today. Its making me crazy. Why am I like this? Why am I so needy?

 

I guess you are all right on here. I totally need to be alone for a while. A long while. I need to get some help. Going to look for a new therapist tomorrow.

[boltnrun]

I never implied that your son wasn't taken care of. But by your own admission your focus has been on your ex. You can now focus on your son instead of looking for some man to be in your life.

 

I think therapy is a great idea. It's important to find out why you are so panicky when you don't have a man around.

[Hollyj]

Ok. Im trying to reconnect with some female friends. I made tentative plans for Saturday with one.

My best friend of many years and i had a falling out 6 months ago. I just sent her a text asking her how shes been. She didnt respond. She might not. Its ok. I will keep trying.

 

Focus on trying to meet new people, too. Get out and get involved with new things. Get out of your comfort zone.

[Hollyj]

Yes. They knew and weren’t happy about it.

 

My son is well taken care of. If and when i do go out he stays with my parents.

 

I haven’t heard from the new guy today. Its making me crazy. Why am I like this? Why am I so needy?

 

I guess you are all right on here. I totally need to be alone for a while. A long while. I need to get some help. Going to look for a new therapist tomorrow.

 

Most important statement you have made!

[LazyDaisy]

Boltnrun- i know you didn’t.

 

Yes. I e mailed a local therapist for an appointment. I have to get to the bottom of this.

 

He just texted me and I had such a feeling of relief. I don’t know where this low self esteem is coming from. When I look in the mirror I think I’m pretty good looking for 49. I have a masters degree so I know I’m smart. I think I have a lot of other good qualities. Why do I need outside approval? I don’t get it.

[boltnrun]

When my kids tell me they love me or call to make plans to visit me, that's what gives me that wonderful feeling.

 

A man should be the icing on the cake...not the entire cake.

 

I think it's excellent that you're seeking therapy. Otherwise you're very likely to continue this unhealthy pattern.

 

Side question: You haven't utilized therapy to help with your bipolar? You just take medication? Hasn't the prescribing doctor recommended therapy?

[LazyDaisy]

I see a psychiatrist. She prescribes my meds. She has not recommended therapy. I guess because I’m pretty stable. Maybe she can recommend someone good.

[boltnrun]

If you haven't told your p-doc that you experience fear and anxiety if you aren't attached to a man, and if you haven't told her the details of the manipulative relationship you were in...if you told her everything was "fine"...she would have no way of knowing your full situation.

 

I recommend telling her you'd like some help. And yes, she should be able to recommend someone who is effective and affordable.

[Hollyj]

Block him! You can deal with the boat through snail mail.

[Hollyj]

Boltnrun- i know you didn’t.

 

Yes. I e mailed a local therapist for an appointment. I have to get to the bottom of this.

 

He just texted me and I had such a feeling of relief. I don’t know where this low self esteem is coming from. When I look in the mirror I think I’m pretty good looking for 49. I have a masters degree so I know I’m smart. I think I have a lot of other good qualities. Why do I need outside approval? I don’t get it.

 

Every time This creep reaches out, refer to your initial post, where he yelled at you, showed no value for your son/you, stormed out and threatened to never return, and my favorite, threatened to call the police . Does that sound like someone who loves and values you?

 

 

YOU MUST BLOCK HIM. HE IS A SICK INFLUENCE IN YOUR LIFE!

[abitbroken]

If you haven't told your p-doc that you experience fear and anxiety if you aren't attached to a man, and if you haven't told her the details of the manipulative relationship you were in...if you told her everything was "fine"...she would have no way of knowing your full situation.

 

I recommend telling her you'd like some help. And yes, she should be able to recommend someone who is effective and affordable.

 

Have you been diagnosed with a mental illness? Or are you medicated because you won't deal with your baggage and it just makes you incredibly anxious. you definitely need talk therapy. if you had a chemical imbalance or something, you would take meds and be managing fine - but your life is a trainwreck. If you have not been formally diagnosed with a physiological brain illness, maybe you heading down the wrong road and maybe the be all and end all isn't medicating yourself.

[boltnrun]

Have you been diagnosed with a mental illness? Or are you medicated because you won't deal with your baggage and it just makes you incredibly anxious. you definitely need talk therapy. if you had a chemical imbalance or something, you would take meds and be managing fine - but your life is a trainwreck. If you have not been formally diagnosed with a physiological brain illness, maybe you heading down the wrong road and maybe the be all and end all isn't medicating yourself.

 

She wrote in another thread that she's been diagnosed with bipolar. She is on prescription medication.

[abitbroken]

She wrote in another thread that she's been diagnosed with bipolar. She is on prescription medication.

 

Ok. I didn't know that -- but its odd to me that she is not also in talk therapy.

[LazyDaisy]

Yes. I have bi polar. Without meds im all over the map. A few months ago I stopped taking my meds and i ended up quitting my lurcrative career. As soon as I got back on I was fine. But too late to keep my job. Its ok. Ill get another.

I was in therapy for years. It doesn’t help. My chemicals are just off.

Anyway, had fun with just my son tonight. Looking forward to doing it again.

Also, i used to be s body builder. I haven’t done that in a while. Im going to get back into it. Takes a lot of time. Going to the gym in the morning. I’m actually a little bit manic right now. Haven’t slept much and feeling really up!

[LazyDaisy]

I finally got some rest and I don’t feel so manic today.

I know I have a lot to work on as far as my self esteem and my loneliness issues but I don’t believe in talk therapy. I did it for many years. I just don’t have the money right now nor the time. Last night was a step in the right direction for me. I just have to keep doing more of the same.

 

Haven’t seen new guy since Friday and not going to see him until Wednesday. Nice and slow. And for those of you that think I shouldn’t be dating yet- you’re right and I know it but I’m going to do it anyway. I think this guy is so different from my ex and I think eventually we could have something really great together. I’m not giving that up. For some reason he was put in my path now. And so now is when I’m going to find out why.

[Hollyj]

You are not getting it. It is not about the guy, it is about you.

 

It is NEVER good to jump from one relationship, to another. Especially, after an abusive long term relationship. You need time to process the other relationship, and learn from it. You are dependent on men, when you should be focusing on getting a job, your mental health and your SON. That should be your priority.

 

We have all advised you of the same thing.. Your judgment over the last 11 years has not been good. At all.

 

I wish you the best

[abitbroken]

Yes. I have bi polar. Without meds im all over the map. A few months ago I stopped taking my meds and i ended up quitting my lurcrative career. As soon as I got back on I was fine. But too late to keep my job. Its ok. Ill get another.

I was in therapy for years. It doesn’t help. My chemicals are just off.

Anyway, had fun with just my son tonight. Looking forward to doing it again.

Also, i used to be s body builder. I haven’t done that in a while. Im going to get back into it. Takes a lot of time. Going to the gym in the morning. I’m actually a little bit manic right now. Haven’t slept much and feeling really up!

 

Therapy works. You can't go in there and say fix me. Go in there and say "this is the relationship i chose -- 11 years with a explosive man married to someone else....i need to find out why i keep making these bad choices and get my life in order". Talk therapy will not make you get off your meds completely, but it will if you are willing help you learn how to push your life in a different direction and be at peace in your heart. It takes work to change - and a professional needs to guide you and give you tools.

[abitbroken]

I finally got some rest and I don’t feel so manic today.

I know I have a lot to work on as far as my self esteem and my loneliness issues but I don’t believe in talk therapy. I did it for many years. I just don’t have the money right now nor the time. Last night was a step in the right direction for me. I just have to keep doing more of the same.

 

Haven’t seen new guy since Friday and not going to see him until Wednesday. Nice and slow. And for those of you that think I shouldn’t be dating yet- you’re right and I know it but I’m going to do it anyway. I think this guy is so different from my ex and I think eventually we could have something really great together. I’m not giving that up. For some reason he was put in my path now. And so now is when I’m going to find out why.

 

You really don't get it. You just left an 11 year relationship and you are "taking it slow" with a new man??? You have very poor judgement for choosing men - and this guy is a mess also if he is jumping in with a woman whose relationship ended days ago and is still trying to emotionally disconnect from it. You are just going to do the same thing OVER and OVER. You can't stand to not have a man in your life, so you will take the 11 year old ty relationship or the new guy that probably just wants to get in your pants when you really, really need to be single. If you don't - you will just go from one trainwreck situation to another like you have been.

 

He wasn't "put in your path for some reason" - you already knew him because he is your classmate and you chose to advertise your openness to meet and you chose to do so. You made a choice.

[LazyDaisy]

People go from one relationship to another all the time. People have affairs and then leave their SO for the person they are having the affair with.

 

He doesn’t just want to get into my pants. And frankly, I don’t care if he does. He makes me feel alive. I have never had so much fun with a guy in my life. Yeah, I might be crying in a few weeks or I might decide I don’t even like him. I’m living in the moment for once.

[Hollyj]

People go from one relationship to another all the time. People have affairs and then leave their SO for the person they are having the affair with.

 

He doesn’t just want to get into my pants. And frankly, I don’t care if he does. He makes me feel alive. I have never had so much fun with a guy in my life. Yeah, I might be crying in a few weeks or I might decide I don’t even like him. I’m living in the moment for once.

 

Yes. And, it is not healthy! You are coming from a highly dysfunctional relationship, that should have ended 11 years ago.

 

Why are you so gun ho to have to have a man in your life? Good God! Why can't you focus on your kid, getting a job and enlarging your social circle?

 

When will you put your child first? You only think of your own needs.

[SweetGirl28]

People go from one relationship to another all the time. People have affairs and then leave their SO for the person they are having the affair with.

 

He doesn’t just want to get into my pants. And frankly, I don’t care if he does. He makes me feel alive. I have never had so much fun with a guy in my life. Yeah, I might be crying in a few weeks or I might decide I don’t even like him. I’m living in the moment for once.

 

This is in part due to your being bipolar. Can I suggest to you, from a health professional pov, that

you manage that first, before going full force into something else?

Bipolar is a battle within itself, and needs proper treatment. I empathize with you, I'm not pointing

fingers at you because you like a distraction, I'm just guiding you to "fix what's broke" so to speak,

before making decisions.

 

And yes, people do this. Some last. Those they do are ones that were already completely checked out emotionally on their partner. In your case, you hadn't checked out. You still haven't.

[boltnrun]

You've been "living in the moment" for 11 years. And now you've decided that, since you MUST have a man, you're going to attach yourself to whatever guy comes along. You're already planning a future with this guy and you've been on ONE date!

 

What happened to focusing on your son? Or is that less important that getting yourself a man, any man?

 

Seriously, and I mean this with good intentions, I think you might need to see your doctor again. You're making decisions without taking a second to think them through and that sounds like you may be in a manic phase. Please see your doctor, your son's well-being is at stake here.

[LazyDaisy]

I am focusing on my son. And I’m dating at the same time. It can be done. His well being is not at stake. A happy mom is a good thing.

And he is not just any man. We went to school together. Its not like he is a stranger. I can tell he is a good person and he has a heart of gold. We just click together. We are both crazy about eachother. There is absolutely no way I’m going to stop seeing him. I can take it slow and work on myself at the same time. And if it doesn’t work out that will be ok too. I would be disappointed but I’ll live. If anything at least he gave me the courage to stand up to the 11 year guy. I haven’t heard a peep from him since Saturday.

[Nickie]

My guy is famous for this. Walks out, won't communicate. I think I will never hear from him again, but something always brings him back, usually me, caving. Everything we do is what he wants, we only go one place every night of the week. I stopped going so he goes alone 3-4 nights of the week because I would go out of my mind if I did't stay home and read a book or something else to enrich my mind instead of seeing the same people and listen to the same BS 7 days a week. His friends are always right, I am always wrong. I am too sensitive when they get too drunk and rude and pry into my business or actually get confrontational. He is a good man, much better than a lot out there, however you could be surprised what you might find if you are not looking under rocks. I am like you, don't want to start over, so I decided I must take care of myself. Drink less, exercise more to deal with stress, watch my weight, take classes, meet new people. Ignore his friends and when they get too much I need to just leave, just get away. I don't have kids, that has got to be hard. I can see where mine would be that heartless to walk away too and take sides against me for defending a child. You are not too feel bad for loving your son. You always wish you could go back in time and make things turn out different. Like wrap up a bunch of presents for your son and put their names on them, ha watch them look like ! Only you can decide if you can live the way you do. I am hanging in, but it is not always easy in these one sided relationships where the man will just not communicate. Take care of yourself and always your little boy, he is your strength and your heart, he will alway be there for you. Hope you the best, God Bless!!

[abitbroken]

People go from one relationship to another all the time. People have affairs and then leave their SO for the person they are having the affair with.

 

He doesn’t just want to get into my pants. And frankly, I don’t care if he does. He makes me feel alive. I have never had so much fun with a guy in my life. Yeah, I might be crying in a few weeks or I might decide I don’t even like him. I’m living in the moment for once.

 

Just because people do it doesn't mean its healthy!! And how can you go from being so distraught you can't cope because your ex is not contacting you to feeling "so alive" - that sounds like manic depression, delusion or high distraction.