I'm 49 and I just got dumped

[LazyDaisy]

Thank you. These are good suggestions. I know there is a good guy out there for me bacause i have met them - even though they were taken. They do exist. Im going to spend the next several months working on my self esteem, my new business and my relationship with my son.

[LazyDaisy]

I just had a conversation with a guy I used to work with. Ive told him about my troubles. Anyway he made me realize whats been missing from my relationship and my life. Fun. Culture. Travel. Excitement. These are all things Im going to work on. And teach my little one about.

[boltnrun]

I just had a conversation with a guy I used to work with. Ive told him about my troubles. Anyway he made me realize whats been missing from my relationship and my life. Fun. Culture. Travel. Excitement. These are all things Im going to work on. And teach my little one about.

 

Yes. You could be doing all that.

 

OR...you could be tiptoeing around, hoping you don't upset a guy so he doesn't storm out, and paying for everything when you go out, and knowing he'll never marry you because he's married to someone else.

 

I know what I'd choose :)

[LazyDaisy]

I feel as though I have to make some drastic changes to my life. My ex lives only a mile away. I have already passed him on the road this week. I feel I should move. I should downsize my home. Its too big and too much for me to take care of myself. I dont want to run into him at the grocery store or 7 eleven. I want a complete reset.

[lark265]

my first thought is how unbelievably rude of those people not to bring something for your son....and same with him.....I can put myself in your son's shoes - he is looking up to this guy and gets zero. Your son has to watch others open presents in HIS house.........I know there's sides to every story but in this instance this guy sounds just like a major jerk........PS I'm 63 and going through a divorce....

[lark265]

When someone jumps ship so easy like this, you end up sensoring yourself and you lose yourself from walking on eggs shells all the time in fear of the next time they yank the rug out from under you.

You should feel safe to tell your partner how you feel.

At the same time you have a responsibility to deliver that information respectfully.

His reaction is definitely disproportionate but it begs the question on how you handled your part.

Not to pile on you during a difficult time, but it's a fair question.

If you could do it all over, would you change anything?

 

Yes, and it being Christmas doesn't help either.....usually a time of easy irritability (for me anyway)

[LazyDaisy]

So i posted on Facebook about my breakup and being unemployed. People from highschool are offering me to come stay with them. My own boyfriend of 11 years had no sympathy for my situation. Unbelievable.

[LazyDaisy]

my first thought is how unbelievably rude of those people not to bring something for your son....and same with him.....I can put myself in your son's shoes - he is looking up to this guy and gets zero. Your son has to watch others open presents in HIS house.........I know there's sides to every story but in this instance this guy sounds just like a major jerk........PS I'm 63 and going through a divorce....

 

Yes. My son supports me 100 percent in this case. Even though he was very attached to my ex.

[boltnrun]

Yes. My son supports me 100 percent in this case. Even though he was very attached to my ex.

 

Your son probably saw more than you thought he did. Kids are usually very intuitive, even if they don't say anything.

[LazyDaisy]

Yeah. When i think back there was a lot of yelling and storming out. It had escalated lately. In the past year since he has been retired he has been drinking heavily. The fights were always after we both had been drinking. Most of the time i cant even remember what they were about. But in the morning I would apologize and then he would apologize, we would blame it on the alcohol and continue on.

 

I drink a lot less when he isn’t around. A glass of wine or two. But when we get together we both get obliterated. Chance of having an argument on those night was probably 50 percent. Then in the morning I would feel sick until we made up. If we hadn’t fought i would spend the day hungover anyway. Not good.

[Seraphim]

Then a whole lifestyle change is needed. Your son witnessing that is abusive to him. Abuse changes young brains forever.

[LazyDaisy]

Yes. I already made plans to go out for drinks on NYE with a friend from highschool. Big step for me!

[boltnrun]

Yeah. When i think back there was a lot of yelling and storming out. It had escalated lately. In the past year since he has been retired he has been drinking heavily. The fights were always after we both had been drinking. Most of the time i cant even remember what they were about. But in the morning I would apologize and then he would apologize, we would blame it on the alcohol and continue on.

 

I drink a lot less when he isn’t around. A glass of wine or two. But when we get together we both get obliterated. Chance of having an argument on those night was probably 50 percent. Then in the morning I would feel sick until we made up. If we hadn’t fought i would spend the day hungover anyway. Not good.

 

Horrible, horrible for your son to be around that kind of environment!

 

You have time to undo the damage that has been done. Make the most of it, because trust me, kids remember these things. But how you handle it now can make all the difference.

 

And whatever you do, do NOT go apologizing back to that man just because you feel lonely. Your son's well-being trumps everything else and he cannot witness any more unhealthy behaviors.

[LazyDaisy]

You are right. My son seems so well adjusted though. He seems unfazed by my troubles. He has a lot of friends and is very popular in school. He is very loving and kind and caring. Never gives me one minute of trouble. An absolute angel.

[boltnrun]

Well, he's not going to tell you how badly all that bad behavior affected him!

 

Oftentimes, kids feel responsible for their parents. They feel lime you're going through enough and they don't want to add to your worries.

 

But since he does seem to be doing well, you want to keep it that way. Don't try to convince yourself that all that awful behavior didn't affect your son negatively so it's OK to go back.

[Seraphim]

Not everyone who seems well adjusted is on the inside. I appeared very well adjusted and inside I was a horrifying mess. Some kids act out their pain and some store it up but it erupts eventually.

[LazyDaisy]

Good points. He sometimes does act like the more mature one out of the two of us. I will keep a close eye on him. And I’m never going back. No matter how lonely I get. Although I hope Im too busy to be lonely.

[LazyDaisy]

So I went out with a guy i went to highschool with last night. Hadn’t seen him in 31 years. Was just supposed to be a night out venting to eachother about recent breakups.

There was an instant attraction. We hung out together until 4 am. Now I know Im not ready for a relationship in any way shape or form. But i sent him a text today to thank him and tell him that I had a really good time. No response. Im getting snubbed for some reason.

On some level I now feel much worse. I wish I hadn’t gone out. How much rejection can one person take!

[boltnrun]

So I went out with a guy i went to highschool with last night. Hadn’t seen him in 31 years. Was just supposed to be a night out venting to eachother about recent breakups.

There was an instant attraction. We hung out together until 4 am. Now I know Im not ready for a relationship in any way shape or form. But i sent him a text today to thank him and tell him that I had a really good time. No response. Im getting snubbed for some reason.

On some level I now feel much worse. I wish I hadn’t gone out. How much rejection can one person take!

 

I hope you didn't sleep with him.

 

I just don't think you're ready for that because I think with how you're feeling now you'd probably get overly attached.

[SweetGirl28]

So I went out with a guy i went to highschool with last night. Hadn’t seen him in 31 years. Was just supposed to be a night out venting to eachother about recent breakups.

There was an instant attraction. We hung out together until 4 am. Now I know Im not ready for a relationship in any way shape or form. But i sent him a text today to thank him and tell him that I had a really good time. No response. Im getting snubbed for some reason.

On some level I now feel much worse. I wish I hadn’t gone out. How much rejection can one person take!

 

Maybe he's asleep! Or hungover, or working! Or he lost his phone.

Or he's playing it cool . And will let a few hours pass before he replies, lol

Don't see it as instant rejection!

[LazyDaisy]

He finally responded.

I did not sleep with him. But i am finding my self extremely attracted to him. I know that I am not ready for a new relationship yet. So not sure how I’m going to proceed yet. Maybe he would be willing to go extremely slowly. He just ended something as well although his was only for 9 months. Never in a million years expected this to happen.

[Seraphim]

Go slow and focus on your boy.

[SweetGirl28]

He finally responded.

I did not sleep with him. But i am finding my self extremely attracted to him. I know that I am not ready for a new relationship yet. So not sure how I’m going to proceed yet. Maybe he would be willing to go extremely slowly. He just ended something as well although his was only for 9 months. Never in a million years expected this to happen.

 

Become friends, take it slow, because with him just ending a relationship also, you don't

want to be his rebound(nor make him yours). Enjoy his company and have fun.

[LazyDaisy]

So of course now my ex wants to reconcile. I know most people’s opinion on here. But what if he changed? What if we went to counseling to work on our conflict resolution skills?

I dont know what the heck to do. Really like the guy from highschool but do I throw away 11 years?

[shessofly]

You aren't throwing away 11 years, he did. He has not changed in a week - you said this behavior is a repetitive pattern. The high school guy should not be a factor in your decision. Re-read this thread and ask yourself if this is really a good idea.