Woman I'm dating revealed a lot about her sexual past

[Chill3718]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm a 28 year old male and have been going out with a 28 year old woman for about a month. Things have been going well and we have been spending a lot of time with each other.

Recently, we went out and we had been drinking (probably 5 or 6 beers) and she was definitely in between feeling a pretty good buzz and drunk.

When we got back to my apartment we were talking and during conversation she referenced a past hook up. This is something she has done quite a few times. Which wasn't really a big deal but is kind of annoying to me and something I would never do.

 

So I basically just asked why she always does that. And this opened a door that I did not see coming. Now she is an incredibly honest person and someone who is very open with her feelings. and after this I learned someone who once they drink will kind of just reveal anything.

 

Once I asked she just dove right in and started talking about her past. She told me that in college and the first year after she graduated she would drink too much and have sex as a result. I sort of pressed this a little because the way she described it was as if every time she went out and drank she had sex. Now, I had lived a pretty similar lifestyle in college so like drinking / partying and casual sex isn't like the craziest thing to me but her description made me really be like how many people are we talking about here? So I said "well what are we talking about here?" To which she said it's a lot, I use to be a . She said "it is probably not more than 50 and then said "I honestly don't know though, I would black out and am not sure what happened, one time I was walking home from a bar real drunk and went into another bar without my friends and ended up having a threesome with 2 gay guys. I don't really remember it but I know something happened". She did also say that this was something she was very not proud of and was a ashamed of. And that she was not real "cool" or confident in herself coming into college and also had never drank much before.

 

At this point I am just like and honestly wanted to help her out of this situation because I don't think she realized like how honest and detailed she was being. So I asked "well what about that past couple years?" to which she gave a much more normal answer of probably 6 guys over 3 years. The casualness does make sense to me as well as she use to be a travel nurse rotating every 3 months. But then again, unprovoked, she said well actually on my birthday which was like 2 days before we went out for the first time, I had a one night stand in Seattle. Then went back into detail about that talking about how she was on the bottom and it wasn't great. Again, very strange to me.

 

So at this point, I just left the room and didn't say anything because I don't think I would have said anything nice. She basically fell asleep right after on the couch (I guess she was a lot more drunk than I thought?).

 

Anyway, we had a couple conversations after where she apologized and said she has never told anyone that and only did so because she really likes me and confessed that she has been thinking about this a lot and telling her friends "I ruined it".

 

So, I don't know. I do like her but I have to say this was a major turn off for me. The detail I can't stop thinking about. Also, I feel like the number could be anything? If a girl in college had that attitude I feel like she could have had sex with 100 people? for the record, I've had sex with probably 40 people and lived a very similar lifestyle you could call it during college.

 

I'd be interested in anyone's thoughts on this?

 

What should I make of this just brutally detailed unprovoked amount of information? For only a month of dating it seems crazy she would share any of this with me. Also, I feel like she opened the door for this by constantly bringing up past hook ups which I also don't understand.

 

Thanks!

[itsallgrand]

I would think she is a rather impulsive person, an over sharer, and to be perfectly blunt - someone with somewhat questionable judgement.

I'm not saying she is a bad person. For me though, it would be red flags if I were looking for someone to have a serious and monogamous relationship with. I'm not talking only the things she shared- her behaviour and choices now too, the entire thing.

[Pleasedonot5]

I'd be more worried about what she's going to tell her friends, or what she has already told her friends. If she's talking about other guys, odds are your sexual details are being/will be revealed too. And that's a red flag for me - seems like it would be for you too.

 

Maybe you should stay with her -- considering your similar lifestyle -- but communicate that it's not ok for her to talk about you in the same manner about things that are private between the two of you. Even then... old habits die hard.

[rosephase]

My partners know about my sexual history and my relationship history. I know about theirs. I personally find it interesting and not off putting. If I like someone I want to know how they became the person they are. I have a sorted sexual history (worked as a stripper, kink clubs and swinger clubs in college and a lot of stupid sex with people I didn't like that much or know that well) it shapes who I am as a person. The people that love me aren't bothered by my past and are often kinda interested in it. Just like I'm interested in what-ever-the-hell mistakes, shaping experiences, f*ck ups and debacles they got into.

 

But if it turns you off it turns you off. If it's something that you are going to negatively judge her about then end it. It's kinder then dragging it out if it's going to bug you. Or if you don't like the up front way she talks. That's what's dating is for... to see if you like each other.

[DanZee]

Well, it sounds like the two of you are perfectly matched. You slept with about 40 girls, she slept with a similar (higher?) number of guys. It's kind of a double standard if you can sleep with all these girls and now you're turned off because she slept with all these guys. (Are you in the UK? It seems to be the national sport there of getting drunk, having sex and passing out.)

 

I would keep her from having too many drinks in the future unless she's with you. When women drink a large amount of alcohol, it produces more testosterone in their bodies, making them aggressive and horny. I would say she's extremely sensitive to that increase in testosterone and she just goes sex crazy. (You actually might want to test it out -- let her have a snout full and see if she goes crazy on you.)

 

What's more important is how many long-term relationships have she had? What's she like when she's sober? I don't think you have the right to criticize her. If she's nice when she's sober, just keep her sober. She's obviously not in control of herself when she's drunk.

[SherrySher]

6 men in three years is not normal either!! Wow!! I can see why you were so turned off. This girl has serious issues and she has little to no morals or ethnics. Sex should be something intimate you share with someone you care about, not just stripping naked and going for it with whomever.

I can see a few mistakes? But she's made it a lifestyle.

It sounds like you two are very incompatible. You need to find someone more on your wavelength, you can't force romance after her stories.

[SherrySher]

Woah! How did I miss that you slept with 40 women? Yeah, you and she are not much different. You two are more similar than you think and either she is a wake up call on the life you lead or she is a soul mate being as you two did pretty much the same things.

[nao]

Come on, is there an - ethically accepted, considered reasonable, approved by church, society and everybody - number for having past sexual partners???

You asked her, she answered, you preferred if she would tell you 13? Or 40 to meet your standards? I personally don t understand why people get drunk and have sex with complete strangers and feel so horrible after that they have to do it again next, just to forget about... But I had friends in collage who had sex with lots of guys, some just lied about the numbers, some talked openly about, personally I preferred those who were honest, by the way, I don t think they were awkward, or s or anything, and they turned into nice ladies, moms, wives 10-15 years later, people change, calm down... so I would not read much into this, but rather focus on how is she with you... but if you can t forget about her score, then better just break up with her, you don t have to accept her past...

[dias]

If she is good looking, send her to me mate! No problem having relationships with this "sort" of girls!

[DancingFool]

Hmm....I'm smelling some hypocrisy here......

 

It wasn't unprovoked. You were asking her questions, she was answering honestly. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question.

 

You are exactly the same as her in terms of numbers and equally impulsive. So you don't have a leg to stand on to judge her about what you yourself engaged in.

 

That said...... her history reveals lack of impulse control and turning to sexual attention to prop up her insecurities, bad feelings, what have you. The more serious question is whether she is capable of being a loyal partner or whether she'll end up turning toward the bottle and a one night stand to "comfort" herself every time you have an argument in your relationship.

[Chill3718]

Thanks for the reply. Definitely a double standard here. I guess the difference is really in how we talk about it. I would never go into such detail or really bring up past hook ups where she was constantly doing so which prompted me to ask further questions. Also, the detail of the threesome is just like why would you share that? Also, sharing all this one month into dating seems crazy to me.

 

The alcohol is also what makes me nervous about a long term relationship. She does go "crazy" on me when she is drunk (which I mean I like in the moment). I guess where this is also a double standard but I mean it just makes me hesitant because if a girl is drunk in a bar and wants to have sex she pretty much can take her pick.

 

She has had zero long term relationships. But seems to want to enter one with me, which also confuses me. She is great when she is sober but I am not about to police her drinking habits.

[itsallgrand]

That's good you know better than to try and change her or her drinking habits.

[smackie9]

I'm sure she has told others that she wants to enter a long term relationship, but they didn't seem to work out. And the reason could be is she lacks self control when she drinks. Her diving right in and giving you every speck of the juicy details of her sexapades is an example of that.

[superfan]

Wow, hypocrite alert. You admit yourself to having multiple casual encounters fuelled by an alcohol/university lifestyle and somehow it bothers you that she has done the same?

 

For the record, not all of her encounters sound like they were consensual especially if she was too drunk to remember them. There may be trauma she is masking as consent (which is a whole other can of worms).

 

It sounds like you have an issue with the idea that women can (and do) ENJOY casual sex. It's not that she has had these hook ups, but that her bluntness seemed to imply to you that they were morally acceptable in her eyes (and btw if a woman WANTS to have sex with a million guys, that is HER choice and nobody gets to judge that).

 

Women enjoy sex. Sometimes casual sex. Sometimes with many partners. If you aren't comfortable with that, move on but don't kid yourself about the reasons.

[Wiseman2]

It's not so much the content but it's TMI. She may be a wonderful lady but true confessions so soon on (or ever really) is way too award. So TMI and TMD (too much drinking)? Can you steer her to something like 'lets talk about now' or us, etc?