Am I not worth the drive?

[Andrina]

"and what kind of a soulless woman breaks up with a man simply because he doesn`t last."

 

It would be one thing if the guy was working on himself to improve that problem, but again, you are the one doing all the work in that area and you don't mention what he's doing. If I were a guy, I'd use mental imagery and switch things up when I'd gone too far, too early. I'd make sure my woman was satisfied by doing oral or whatever she liked before I entered into her. I'd see a proctologist to see if anything could be done to improve in that area.

 

Look at your self esteem because who you choose in life is subconsciously who you think you're worthy of.

 

Being sexually dissatisfied when a guy doesn't care enough to do everything in his power to rectify that, is a good reason to break up. You perceive this as being heartless, when in fact, it's the smart thing and right thing to do if you had self love. If you haven't communicated your desire that he needs to satisfy you before he gets off, you can try that, but I wouldn't even bother if I had to tell a guy what he should already be caring enough to do on his own.

[Wiseman2]

What does worth have to do with this? It seems his place offers more privacy and space. Doesn't he pay for food etc when you are a frequent guest there? It's not about "worth" or 50/50 it's about practicality and making this even on other levels. For example if you drive he pays for everything else, etc.

1) I moved into the city into a cheap shared condo situation (1 roommate)......

2)it is much more enjoyable to hang out at his place where we have a house/yard/space to ourselves, than it is to hide in the bedroom of a city condo for privacy away from my roommate.

[willdation]

I also would not want to stay over at girl's place if she has roommates and I live alone....perhaps I am now getting old LOL

[Hollyj]

I am getting huge red flags that say "SELFISH". You are making ALL the effort to see this guy because he "doesn't like the fact that you have room mates"? Sorry, but that is insanely childish and very selfish. He might not like your situation (hell, you might not like it) but that is no excuse for saying that you need to do all the work. Relationships are about compromise and occasionally doing something you don't want to do for the sake of your partner.

 

The fact that he is unwilling to make an effort EVERY NOW AND THEN says a lot about who he is as a person.

 

You add in the fact that he doesn't seem to care whether you are sexually satisfied after he has had his own fun tells me that it's all about him.

 

Here's the thing about guys like this - they expect women to do most of the emotional labour in the relationship. They expect you to make the effort, to go the extra mile and think they are doing their part by 'being a nice guy'.

 

Nice is the bare minimum. This is the type of guy who, if you marry and have kids will not help changing diapers, will not stay up at night when the baby wakes up, will not buy groceries or items that are needed unless he is given a specific list and it's not 'out of his way'. In short, he is not the kind of person who is going to be an equal partner to you because he doesn't feel the need to be.

 

I would walk away myself, but if you plan to stay be aware that he is probably not going to change.

 

Well said!!!!!!!

[Hollyj]

Thanks for the reply. You say you can't blame him for not coming over because of the roommate situation, yet others here are saying he should absolutely be blamed for not making the effort to come to me once in a while. It's interesting to me because the responses are similar to the back and forth in my head about whether I am being silly by asking for too much, or if I actually have a right to feel let down. The different responses tell me that, as in so many relationship issues, there is no definite right or wrong, just what we feel, what we're comfortable with. What we're willing to put up with isn't what another would put up with, and that's okay.

 

I have a huge, debilitating fear of putting myself out there only to be rejected. A lot of people do of course. To me, getting in my car after work to drive through construction and traffic to get to him for the last year and a half while he refuses to ever once get in his car to sleep beside me in my bed feels like me putting myself out there to someone who, quite simply, will not do the same for me. I have a fear that if my car was out of commission for whatever reason, I may not see the man.

 

Is this all sounding petty when the rest of the relationship is okay? Maybe, but I still wanted to hear what others had to say, because it nags at me. I guess I just think it's simple-if a man really cares about a woman, if he really misses a woman, he doesn't send a bunch of texts about how much he misses her. He gets in his car. That he doesn't bother feels like rejection.

 

Your sex life is sh#t, and he does not give a damn about your needs. Why would you sign up for that??????

[Hollyj]

"and what kind of a soulless woman breaks up with a man simply because he doesn`t last."

 

It would be one thing if the guy was working on himself to improve that problem, but again, you are the one doing all the work in that area and you don't mention what he's doing. If I were a guy, I'd use mental imagery and switch things up when I'd gone too far, too early. I'd make sure my woman was satisfied by doing oral or whatever she liked before I entered into her. I'd see a proctologist to see if anything could be done to improve in that area.

 

Look at your self esteem because who you choose in life is subconsciously who you think you're worthy of.

 

Being sexually dissatisfied when a guy doesn't care enough to do everything in his power to rectify that, is a good reason to break up. You perceive this as being heartless, when in fact, it's the smart thing and right thing to do if you had self love. If you haven't communicated your desire that he needs to satisfy you before he gets off, you can try that, but I wouldn't even bother if I had to tell a guy what he should already be caring enough to do on his own.

 

Yup!!!!!! OP, why do you expect so little for yourself?

 

Total deal breaker.

[tattoobunnie]

Have him go down town and take care of you first.

 

I would drive once a month to see my now husband 3 hours away and stay in the house he and his histrionic hoarding mom. And he would come see me even if there was blizzard, and has done that on more than one occasion.

 

The fact that you told him it bothered you, and he still won't address it, what a selfish guy. He could so easily join you for dinner at your place after work.

[willdation]

I completely understand why a mature man would not want to stay over at a girl's place when she has roommates. I sure wouldn't want that.....Why are you forcing him to do something which makes him feel uncomfortable?

 

He was nice enough to INVITE you to move in with him, yet you are refusing.... instead you are blaming him and telling everyone how horrible he is sexually....

[Hollyj]

I completely understand why a mature man would not want to stay over at a girl's place when she has roommates. I sure wouldn't want that.....Why are you forcing him to do something which makes him feel uncomfortable?

 

He was nice enough to INVITE you to move in with him, yet you are refusing.... instead you are blaming him and telling everyone how horrible he is sexually....

 

This is what a relationship is supposed to be: 50/50!

 

"He was nice enough to INVITE" her to move in. Really????? Like he is doing her some big favor.

 

I guess he is also a 'great guy' for giving her two minutes of pleasure, too!

[willdation]

If a woman invited me to move in with her so we can have our own place and our own privacy, I would be INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL and I am sure most people would.

 

Even if she was not the best in bed, if I cared for her, I would still continue with the relationship, but at least communicate....

[Hollyj]

If a woman invited me to move in with her so we can have our own place and our own privacy, I would be INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL.

 

Even if she was not the best in bed, If I cared for her, I would still continue with the relationship, but at least communicate

She is not receiving any sexual satisfaction. When he finishes, he is done. It is much different for men in that department.

 

Maybe, she wants to be independent now. This is no reason he cannot pull his weight and split the trips.

[DancingFool]

It's not like he doesn't come up to see her and take her out on dates in the city. It seems that the only bone of contention is that he refuses to sleep over at her place. This is quite different from not coming over at all.

 

OP, I really have to ask you if this is really about this guy or this is really about you and the fact that you feel bad about yourself for being in the financial situation you are in and living the way you do and you are seeking some kind of validation from him for your living arrangements. Basically, you are creating this giant stink about it because him coming over would somehow validate your current living situation and him refusing just highlights to you what is already uncomfortable for you.

[Wiseman2]

Good point. Don't make the relationship about envy or resentment that he is doing better at the moment.

I really have to ask you if this is really about this guy or this is really about you and the fact that you feel bad about yourself for being in the financial situation you are in and living the way you do and you are seeking some kind of validation from him for your living arrangements.

[Hollyj]

I'm more focused on the sexual situation.

[thealchemist]

All of the issues you have stated all come down to selfishness. At least that is how I see it.

 

I could give several excuses that would totally justify his behavior for each individual issue but they are relate to selfishness. Not a good sign.

 

He doesn't drive to see you because you come and see him. You condone his behavior.

 

If he goes to fast in bed then the physical attention should be on you so the sex lasts longer. Just because he finished doesn't mean he can't use his tongue or hands.

 

When I was a bit younger and inexperienced I would masturbate beforehand so that wouldn't ever be an issue. If home remedies don't work then he can go to the doctor.

 

I would imagine that his selfishness has permeated most aspects of your relationship.

[DancingFool]

I'm more focused on the sexual situation.

 

OK and has she actually spoken up and told him what she needs from him or is she just rolling over unhappy and quiet and allowing for resentment to build? The guy isn't a mind reader. If she is acting like all is good, then he thinks all is good, so why would he even think about changing what's not broken as far as he knows? Honestly, this issue should have been addressed by the OP pretty much after the first couple of times they had sex and bluntly so. As in, "listen guy, this 60 second miracle isn't going to fly for me. I need more."

[j.man]

At this point, I'm inclined to agree that the sexual compatibility is pretty much the only big deal I can see. After OP qualified that they do in fact do stuff in the city and that he does make an effort to visit her family and friends with her, I don't think he's being terrible or selfish for preferring to sleep in his own quiet home. And, conversely, OP would be perfectly justified in gauging how much she likes being there and whether he makes it worth her drive, as she seems to have indicated he does.

 

I really would try to tackle the sex issue, though. And as equitable as "I ride you for a minute or two and roll over for you to finger me" may seem to some posters, it doesn't strike me as sustainable. Servicing your partner can certainly be nice, but-- and maybe this is just me personally-- I couldn't have that be the core of my sexual relationship with someone. I'd prefer mutual sex be the go-to with servicing being a nice supplement, and I don't think that's an uncommon thing. As a former one-minute man, I can tell you that desensitizing condoms worked wonders. You can go from stronger to weaker and then perhaps to condoms that are simply thicker. But everyone is different and I'm sure a plethora of ideas are only a Google Search away. For sure, though, I would not minimize the sexual compatibility angle.

[Hollyj]

OK and has she actually spoken up and told him what she needs from him or is she just rolling over unhappy and quiet and allowing for resentment to build? The guy isn't a mind reader. If she is acting like all is good, then he thinks all is good, so why would he even think about changing what's not broken as far as he knows? Honestly, this issue should have been addressed by the OP pretty much after the first couple of times they had sex and bluntly so. As in, "listen guy, this 60 second miracle isn't going to fly for me. I need more."

 

I think that he would have to be an idiot, not to know. He shouldn't have to be told, unless he is 15 years old. Most men want to make certain their partners are satisfied. He does not care.

[superfan]

I completely understand why a mature man would not want to stay over at a girl's place when she has roommates. I sure wouldn't want that.....Why are you forcing him to do something which makes him feel uncomfortable?

 

The OP can correct me if I am wrong on this, but I believe it's not that he doesn't want to stay overnight at her place, it's that he refuses to come over to her place AT ALL. She is ALWAYS going to his. I am sure there are nights that her room mates are not home for a few hours with which they could curl up and watch a movie or have dinner or whatever. It's about COMPROMISE. Saying "hey I am not too keen on hanging out at your place when your room mates are home, but I am totally up for watching a movie a night they are out" would be a compromise. He just bar none refuses to even bother to try. That tells you a lot about a person. The fact that he has this 'my way or the highway' attitude about this tells me it isn't the only thing he refuses to budge on.

 

He was nice enough to INVITE you to move in with him, yet you are refusing.... instead you are blaming him and telling everyone how horrible he is sexually....

 

She isn't mocking him for being bad in bed, but she does have a legitimate complaint. She is not satisfied. He comes too quickly and then doesn't RETURN THE FAVOUR. It doesn't take much to make sure your partner is satisfied after you are. The fact that he won't/hasn't even bothered to try again speaks to his selfishness.

[DancingFool]

I think that he would have to be an idiot, not to know. He shouldn't have to be told, unless he is 15 years old. Most men want to make certain their partners are satisfied. He does not care.

 

Really? And how pray tell would he know unless she actually lets him know? Mind reading? Tea leaves? You see, this kind of "he/she should just know" causes most of the problems in pretty much all relationships. Sharing likes, dislikes, sexual fantasies, what works and what doesn't .....truly key to a hot rocking sex life. If you expect a partner to just read your mind....good luck with that....you'll need it......

[willdation]

Sure, but it seems like two different things are being thrown all together.....It might be best to deal with one issue at a time.....otherwise you’ll just get overwhelmed....

 

Not returning the favor is a whole other can of worms and sure I would agree that both partners should try and sexually please their partner, but that does not influence my opinion on staying over somewhere you are not comfortable

 

As long as he is driving to the city and taking her out on dates, then I would be hesitant to say he is being selfish at the moment....

 

Sure everyone can improve sexually, but there are better ways to bring that up then just having a heated argument with your partner and saying everything bad about them....

 

Anyways, I’m sure things can get a lot better...eventually there will be a time too when OP will want her own place or maybe even move in with her partner and I’m sure that with some communication and patience, there can be some improvements in other departments ehm..

[Hollyj]

Sure, but it seems like two different things are being thrown all together.....It might be best to deal with one issue at a time.....otherwise you’ll just get overwhelmed....

 

Not returning the favor is a whole other can of worms and sure I would agree that both partners should try and sexually please their partner, but that does not influence my opinion on staying over somewhere you are not comfortable

 

As long as he is driving to the city and taking her out on dates, then I would be hesitant to say he is being selfish at the moment....

 

Sure everyone can improve sexually, but there are better ways to bring that up then just having a heated argument with your partner and saying all these bad things about them.....again....one issue at a time would probably be best

 

I agree. This should have been dealt with, long ago. I can't imagine!!!

[Hollyj]

Really? And how pray tell would he know unless she actually lets him know? Mind reading? Tea leaves? You see, this kind of "he/she should just know" causes most of the problems in pretty much all relationships. Sharing likes, dislikes, sexual fantasies, what works and what doesn't .....truly key to a hot rocking sex life. If you expect a partner to just read your mind....good luck with that....you'll need it......

 

C'mon. He can see that she is not getting off, unless she is faking orgasms. I would think that most men would know that riding a gal for two minutes, is not going to do anything. He gets off, then rolls over. That's awful. But, she has put up with it.

[SweetGirl28]

C'mon. He can see that she is not getting off, unless she is faking orgasms. I would think that most men would know that riding a gal for two minutes, is not going to do anything. He gets off, then rolls over. That's awful. But, she has put up with it.

 

The flip side of this sucks too!

Two hours later, he's stilllll goooooing.....and you're praying for it to end so you can sleep lol

[willdation]

LOL As a heterosexual man, I cannot say that has ever happened to me, but good point!