Being Belligerent Harassed and Stalked by my Boyfriend's Ex -- Advice Needed!!!

[MissCanuck]

Your boyfriend is a huge part of this problem, OP.

 

He needs to block her. Period. Being "friends" is ridiculous, especially since you both describe this woman as unstable. He is doing her a lot more harm than good by trying to stay in contact and allowing her continued access to him. Of course she is confused and upset; he dumped her and yet he continues to engage with her.

 

Yes, this ex of his need better boundaries. But so do you. You don't have enough of a backbone here. You say you don't want to make demands, but this is not something you should even need to be asking of him. He should be cutting her off on his own accord. If your relationship meant as much to him as he claimed, he would have long ago cut off this woman who continues to contact him and say awful things to you. He hasn't done that. You do need to be worried about that.

 

I have a feeling, like the others here, that there is a lot more to their relationship than you know. His soft stance on her might be his way of preventing her from revealing everything to you, and keeping her around for his bi-coastal visits. If it's not, then he needs to block her in every way possible. There is no way in hell I would even consider dating him again unless and until he did so.

[citrusgreen]

Your boyfriend is a huge part of this problem, OP.

 

He needs to block her. Period. Being "friends" is ridiculous, especially since you both describe this woman as unstable. He is doing her a lot more harm than good by trying to stay in contact and allowing her continued access to him. Of course she is confused and upset; he dumped her and yet he continues to engage with her.

 

Yes, this ex of his need better boundaries. But so do you. You don't have enough of a backbone here. You say you don't want to make demands, but this is not something you should even need to be asking of him. He should be cutting her off on his own accord. If your relationship meant as much to him as he claimed, he would have long ago cut off this woman who continues to contact him and say awful things to you. He hasn't done that. You do need to be worried about that.

 

 

Thank you guys for your all insight.

 

I just want to clarify a few things. I referred to him as my bf in the subject line just as a kind of a shorthand — I realize that’s misleading with regards to our actual situation and might be causing confusion.

 

We first hooked up again in September and then things have ramped up gradually since then. We haven’t yet discussed “where is this going” or had any kind of talk about exclusivity. We also never had a true exclusivity talk or status discussion during our initial time together — and that was because of ME. He wanted to make our relationship normal and official and I wasn’t ready.

 

The first round of “stalking” happened as soon as he and I first spent time together again. This time it was just her viewing my account incessantly and trying to friend me. He had been dating her at the time, but not in a formal committed relationship with her.

 

He ended things with her and things began to ramp up between him and I (slowly). I know he ended things with her because her social media posts for the past month have been all about heartbreak and love not working out etc. I agree this is sad.

 

The second more aggressive round of harassment JUST started happening within the past week (in response to a photo I posted of a band he likes too). She sent him and me a slew of nasty messages. He told her she needed to stop. He stopped responding to her after that. The second slew of messages happened, he believes, because he ignored her.

 

Yes I agree with your thoughts about setting boundaries, etc.

 

I haven’t asked him (yet) to cut her off completely. I haven’t even asked if he plans to do that on his own. It’s thanksgiving now and we’re both with our respective families and I don’t have the time or privacy to have an intense conversation. But I’d like to sit down with him when I get back and talk about his in a serious way. He’s been extremely nice and apologetic in the meantime.

 

Do you have advice for speaking with him? I’ve never had this kind of conversation with any guy where I grill him or make demands! But I need to figure this out. I agree that I shouldn’t move forward with this relationship if this doesn’t feel worked out properly. Is it appropriate for me to ask him to go no contact with her? Block her? Tell her about me? Etc?

 

He’s really not a shady guy, but I do feel uneasy (plus I don’t want the things she’s saying to poison what’s happening with us). I can tell he is really trying to make me happy, but he is also, as someone suggested, a bit of a people pleaser and it’s not his style (or mine) to cut people off.

[abitbroken]

I agree and I think that our relationship will fail if it has to stay a secret.

 

I think one of the issues is that, unbeknownst to me, she was worried about me the whole time they were seeing each other... and expressed this to him... and now he’s gone and done exactly the thing she was worried about. They were not in a formally committed relationship, they dated/hung out for four months but of course it still sucks.

 

Do you think I should make a specific request to him to tell her that he and I are dating now? It seems really harsh! It also seems like it will make the harassment worse. I’m also not the type of woman to make demands on a guy... I’m not sure what to do.

 

Also, should I request that he fully cut off contact with her? I’m generally comfortable with people remaining friends with their exes and have never before been in a position where I’ve had to ask them to stop. It just feels like an ultimatum but I’m also really uncomfortable with him continuing to speak to her.

 

(Note: he is definitely a people pleaser/non confrontational type — as am I, clearly)

 

How does she even know your name or enough into to stalk you online? If you guys didn't end up working out and then he met her, why would he say "i was dating this woman - Jane smith from Studio City.." I do not know the name of the woman my guy previously dated. I did not initially know the last names of the women my ex dated. I ended up knowing because facebook was invented and he sought them out.

 

Sounds like he has some shifty boundaries.

 

 

 

I haven’t asked him (yet) to cut her off completely. I haven’t even asked if he plans to do that on his own. It’s thanksgiving now and we’re both with our respective families and I don’t have the time or privacy to have an intense conversation. But I’d like to sit down with him when I get back and talk about his in a serious way. He’s been extremely nice and apologetic in the meantime.

 

Do you have advice for speaking with him? I’ve never had this kind of conversation with any guy where I grill him or make demands! But I need to figure this out. I agree that I shouldn’t move forward with this relationship if this doesn’t feel worked out properly. Is it appropriate for me to ask him to go no contact with her? Block her? Tell her about me? Etc?

 

He’s really not a shady guy, but I do feel uneasy (plus I don’t want the things she’s saying to poison what’s happening with us). I can tell he is really trying to make me happy, but he is also, as someone suggested, a bit of a people pleaser and it’s not his style (or mine) to cut people off.

 

Yes, its appropriate to tell him that if he would like to pursue a relationship with you, that you will not agree to do so until he cuts off contact with his ex. Its all a little much. He has to choose you or her. Or if you prefer not to say that say "i decided that things are a little bit of a mess because you SuzieQ is still in the picture. I am going to let you be for awhile so you can sort that out and decide what you really want. When you have stopped involving SuzieQ in your life for awhile, call me. "

 

This is a mess because it started out with cheating. I know you say he isn't shady -- but he is a people pleaser and if she showed up on his doorstep or started talking to him in a less abrasive manner, he would listen to her.

 

a bit of a people pleaser and it’s not his style (or mine) to cut people off

 

How do you move on from relationships, then? Just hope that they stop contacting you eventually and let things peter out?

[citrusgreen]

How does she even know your name or enough into to stalk you online? If you guys didn't end up working out and then he met her, why would he say "i was dating this woman - Jane smith from Studio City.." I do not know the name of the woman my guy previously dated. I did not initially know the last names of the women my ex dated. I ended up knowing because facebook was invented and he sought them out.

 

Sounds like he has some shifty boundaries.

 

 

 

 

Yes, its appropriate to tell him that if he would like to pursue a relationship with you, that you will not agree to do so until he cuts off contact with his ex. Its all a little much. He has to choose you or her. Or if you prefer not to say that say "i decided that things are a little bit of a mess because you SuzieQ is still in the picture. I am going to let you be for awhile so you can sort that out and decide what you really want. When you have stopped involving SuzieQ in your life for awhile, call me. "

 

This is a mess because it started out with cheating. I know you say he isn't shady -- but he is a people pleaser and if she showed up on his doorstep or started talking to him in a less abrasive manner, he would listen to her.

 

a bit of a people pleaser and it’s not his style (or mine) to cut people off

 

How do you move on from relationships, then? Just hope that they stop contacting you eventually and let things peter out?

 

 

He said that she knows my name because he mentioned my first name at some point while they were dating and that she used that information to find me on Instagram. We also have close mutual friends and I wouldn’t be surprised if I inadvertently came up somehow.

 

I’ve had a few cases where an ex has continued to contact me in an unwanted way after we’d broken up. In those cases I’ve asked them to stop and tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested. But I’ve never blocked anyone completely, nor have I been asked by a guy to block an ex. In most cases, however, I have maintained some small amount of friendly contact over the years; in 2 cases I’m very good friends with exes and there is no issue whatsoever.

 

In terms of an element of cheating... in his mind they hadn’t committed to exclusivity or had “the talk”. I can totally understand that she would and should feel sad or betrayed that he started seeing me. On the other hand isn’t the way dating technically works is that you’re supposed to assume nothing until you’ve had “the talk”?

 

I agree tho that if she showed up on his doorstep and was really nice he would listen to her. I’m not sure he’d actually start seeing her again, because he has a low tolerance for drama and craziness... it would mess up jos life too much. But it does freak me out. She seems like somebody who is ok with chasing him. But the thing about that (and part of what I’m upset about) is that I feel like that could happen whether he officially cut her off now or not. She could still always show up on his doorstep. I’m not sure I trust men (or humans in general) in situations like that ever. I also worry about coming across as jealous or controlling (this might be my issue).

 

But I do agree that it’s probably better for me to set boundaries now rather than later. We are scheduled to go on a really nice trip at the end of next month... which also complicated things a bit. He already bought plane tickets for us and booked hotel etc. for Xmas/New Years.

[katrina1980]

Why would he mention your name to her, a woman he is dating? While he's telling you about her and showing you apology texts?

 

This just gets more and more bizarre.

 

JMO but there is only one reason a man mentions the name of a woman he is casually dating to another woman he is also casually dating.

 

To stir jealousy.

 

Mission accomplished.

 

If this isn't a clear case of a guy intentionally stirring jealousy, and playing two women against each other, I don't know what is.

 

I've had guys attempt that crap with me, no thanks.

 

Done, next.

[citrusgreen]

Again thank you guys so much for your insight. And I really do appreciate it. However, I dated this person for 2.5 years and he never did the slightest thing to try to make me feel jealous. I know there are guys like that, but this isn’t one of them.

 

I’m not sure why he might have mentioned my name, but it doesn’t seem that crazy. I was seeing him for so long and and was also friends with him prior to that. Two of my best friends are also best friends with him ... (they both met D, the girl) and we have a number of other mutual friends. I’m tagged in his Instagram. We’ve been on many vacations together. It would have been hard to keep her from finding out about me...

 

So no, I don’t think he was trying to make her jealous.

 

I think part of the reason he showed me the apology text was bc I was so distraught about the critical things she was saying to me... I took them personally and they were making me feel unattractive and insecure. He kept insisting “No, it’s the opposite, she feels insecure with respect to you, she’s lashing out, etc” and that apology text kind of indicated that that was the case. Seeing that text certainly didn’t make me feel worse... He’s not telling me anything about her that would make me feel jealous.

[ThatwasThen]

Bottom line: He's not blocking and deleting her so that she can't contact him anymore.

 

THAT is the red flag and it's about HIM disrespecting you by not getting her out of the picture particularly when she has been nothing but horrible to you.

 

I'm not you but I know that by now, I would have left him for not taking his ballzzz our of her purse.

[citrusgreen]

Bottom line: He's not blocking and deleting her so that she can't contact him anymore.

 

THAT is the red flag and it's about HIM disrespecting you by not getting her out of the picture particularly when she has been nothing but horrible to you.

 

I'm not you but I know that by now, I would have left him for not taking his ballzzz our of her purse.

 

 

If she continues with the harassing then I am prepared to do that.

 

But as of now I haven’t asked him to do that or discussed the possibility with him. The first harassing posting happened last week. He confronted her at that point and I didn’t ask for it want to know the details of the exchange. He seemed very “done” with her.

 

The next (more extreme) harassing I got this past Wednesday, the day before thanksgiving. I haven’t even seen him in person since then as I left early the next morning to go to my family’s. So it’s NOT like that has been going on for weeks and he’s refused to do anything about it.

 

Between work and traveling I barely had the time or privacy to speak with him and when we did speak I was a bit too shaken to remember exactly what he said other than him apologizing profusely, reassure me and trying to make me feel better. He has a giant bouquet of flowers delivered to my house right before I left town. We’ve been having small talk since then, because that’s all I can handle (family time is stressful for me!) but I did mention I wanted to talk more about stuff in person.

 

I also *just* realized something else. The short “apology” note she sent was over email, not text. It just occurred to me that it’s possible that he *did* block her on his phone (and that’s why she emailed instead of texted — it was a short enough note that it could have easily been texted.... and it’s normal that he wouldn’t think of blocking her on email... since it’s not how most people communicate). I really just haven’t asked him...

 

Anyway, not sure if my additional info changes the interpretation. In my gut tho (and this is a guy I’ve known a long time) he’s not a bad guy. He’s heavily integrated into my life (which gives me a little more protection/reassurance) and I’d prefer not to dismiss him entirely based on the fact that he had a rebound, and his rebound freaked out (if that’s all it is); Id really like to give him a little bit of the benefit of the doubt and approach this in a constructive, optimistic way, (without putting myself in too much jeopardy). Because on an emotional level he and I have made strides that we were not able to make before and it feels really nice.

[boltnrun]

How much time will he be spending on the west coast near her?

[citrusgreen]

How much time will he be spending on the west coast near her?

 

He has a house there and needs to spend a fair amount of time there for work (it’s non negotiable). During summer he’s there up to every other week, fall every third week, I think it will die down a bit now but he will definitely be going back.

 

It hasn’t come up yet this go around, but in the past it’s been an option for me to go with him. I’m really curious about how he’d feel about that now...

[chitown9]

I’m really curious about how he’d feel about that now...

 

I think that it is time that you find out.

[citrusgreen]

I think that it is time that you find out.

 

I don’t think I’ll find it the answer to that for a few months at least. I wouldn’t be able to go anyway during December (not sure if he’s going). Then he and I are going on a trip end of December to January. So it won’t be a good litmus year anytime soon.

 

A few friends of mine suggested that it is more important for me to have a discussion about our relationship and focus on defining whatever it is, rather than focusing on D and whether or not he will see her.

 

But I’ve never initiated a talk like that before! The guy has always initiated it with me. I’m really terrified to do it... it’s somehow engrained into me that guys see it as a turnoff, etc. But in our past incarnation L actually brought this up. He said in his experience the woman had always take steps to define the relationship, and he couldn’t understand why I’d never done this. He thought it meant I didn’t really like him that much or didn’t care (which was an issue for him).

 

Any thoughts in this?

[boltnrun]

Yes, you absolutely must have this conversation.

 

The alternative is for you to wonder and worry and be "fairly certain" he isn't seeing her, but having no way to know for sure other than to stalk her social media trying to interpret her posts.

[Starlight925]

You asked if anyone else here has ever dealt with a similar situation. Ding ding ding! I just did. I just ended an 18-month relationship where all this ex-not-ex, block-not-really-block, stalk me on social media garbage went on.

 

I have a huge thread with my story, but I'll save you the trouble:

 

Turns out, my loving, perfect boyfriend who wanted to marry me and spend his life with me, was playing both of us all along. Poor guy, he was just "too nice" to just end it with her, so he "had to" continue contact with her. Awww, what a good guy. (snarl).

 

We actually went to counseling about his "crazy" ex, and the counselor told him, as plain as day: "Block her". He did not. We fought about it, and he finally did. Whew! About 2 months of peace. Until one night, his phone rang. Um, why was she able to get through, if she was blocked? Oh, he "had to" unblock her to tell her something, and he "forgot" to re-block. Mmmm Hmmmm. LSS, he never did fully end/block things with her.

 

Within hours of breaking up with him, guess who he called/re-friended/texted/saw: yep, "crazy ex".

 

I am now 3 months out of that nonsense, and I can now see the forest for the trees, so let me tell you what I see in your mess (I mean situation):

--He is playing you both

--He likes the attention, as it feeds his ego

--He has created all of this, and you are both his "flying monkeys" (look it up if you like).....i.e., in The Wizard of Oz, remember the flying monkeys? He has you both screeching around him as flying monkeys, creating all this drama, fighting over him, and his narcissistic ass gets to sit back and enjoy all the attention.

--He has lied to you and her. He spent years with you, never trying to move your relationship fully forward, so you took on the role of peacefully breaking things off, thus he gets to say he's not a bad guy. So he found her, and he got to tell her how, poor guy, his love broke off with him. Then, he cheats on her with you, telling you how crazy she is. How very convenient for him.

--I think he's a narcissist. It's a typical narcissist pattern to overlap relationships, which is why he's not fully ending things with her. He gets to keep you both available to him, should one of you leave him.

--If you think for one hot second that he's not going to meet up with her when he gets to her coast, I've got swampland in Alaska to sell you.

[citrusgreen]

You asked if anyone else here has ever dealt with a similar situation. Ding ding ding! I just did. I just ended an 18-month relationship where all this ex-not-ex, block-not-really-block, stalk me on social media garbage went on.

 

I have a huge thread with my story, but I'll save you the trouble:

 

Turns out, my loving, perfect boyfriend who wanted to marry me and spend his life with me, was playing both of us all along. Poor guy, he was just "too nice" to just end it with her, so he "had to" continue contact with her. Awww, what a good guy. (snarl).

 

We actually went to counseling about his "crazy" ex, and the counselor told him, as plain as day: "Block her". He did not. We fought about it, and he finally did. Whew! About 2 months of peace. Until one night, his phone rang. Um, why was she able to get through, if she was blocked? Oh, he "had to" unblock her to tell her something, and he "forgot" to re-block. Mmmm Hmmmm. LSS, he never did fully end/block things with her.

 

Within hours of breaking up with him, guess who he called/re-friended/texted/saw: yep, "crazy ex".

 

I am now 3 months out of that nonsense, and I can now see the forest for the trees, so let me tell you what I see in your mess (I mean situation):

--He is playing you both

--He likes the attention, as it feeds his ego

--He has created all of this, and you are both his "flying monkeys" (look it up if you like).....i.e., in The Wizard of Oz, remember the flying monkeys? He has you both screeching around him as flying monkeys, creating all this drama, fighting over him, and his narcissistic ass gets to sit back and enjoy all the attention.

--He has lied to you and her. He spent years with you, never trying to move your relationship fully forward, so you took on the role of peacefully breaking things off, thus he gets to say he's not a bad guy. So he found her, and he got to tell her how, poor guy, his love broke off with him. Then, he cheats on her with you, telling you how crazy she is. How very convenient for him.

--I think he's a narcissist. It's a typical narcissist pattern to overlap relationships, which is why he's not fully ending things with her. He gets to keep you both available to him, should one of you leave him.

--If you think for one hot second that he's not going to meet up with her when he gets to her coast, I've got swampland in Alaska to sell you.

 

Wow, I’m so, so sorry for what you went through. That sounds really awful. I hope you are finding the strength to keep moving forward.

 

I had a relationship with a narcissist and I do know what it’s like... and the flying monkeys in his orbit and all.

 

I’m trying to be cautious, but I really don’t think that’s what is happening here.

- He did try to move the relationship forward the first time... I just wasn’t able to do it. It ended because it was clear that at that time I wasn’t invested enough.

- He hasn’t to my knowledge lied to me.

- This thing with the ex/rebound girl... I’m not sure he hasn’t blocked her. This just happened. Yes he told me they had a friendly period for awhile but that was before she started going crazy on me. And before anything was clear with him and I (as I said, it’s still not clear). But to reiterate, there were 2 episodes within the span of a week. It’s not like it was going on for weeks or months with the craziness.

- He may have blocked her. I think that the fact that emailed that apology note rather than texted it, might be because he blocked her. I haven’t asked him point blank (I really suck at being confrontational or aggressive!)

- I would like to ask him and/or have a talk about our relationship. I haven’t yet bc it’s been thanksgiving and now he is on a short trip with his daughters, and Id rather do it in person).

- And I am certain he broke up with her back in September because she posts about it incessantly on her fb (he’s not on fb) and Instagram.

 

I’m not saying that I’m 100% sure that nothing is wrong, or that he’s a perfect guy, etc, but my gut tells me that he’s being sincere and I am really thinking we should talk about where *we* are going and how to best handle her... and see what happens from there. Is that so crazy of me?

[citrusgreen]

Yes, you absolutely must have this conversation.

 

The alternative is for you to wonder and worry and be "fairly certain" he isn't seeing her, but having no way to know for sure other than to stalk her social media trying to interpret her posts.

 

Yes, agreed! Any advice about *how* to have the conversation? Both the convo about D and also general relationship convo. These things do not come naturally to me.

 

Thank you!!!

[Vanishing Girl]

I’m going to play devils advocate and say no it’s not crazy of you, but I’d make sure in the conversation you have to set limits (once defining the relationship). Clear boundaries.

 

If you and him are going to be exclusive (thus a team) and since she started pulling you into her crazy, there is nothing wrong with saying you’ll only be involved with him if he goes no contact with her (if you’re on the same team it makes no sense why he’d want to drag you into that mess and if he really wants to be with you he won’t flinch). If he wavers, you’ve got your answer.

 

Then pay really close attention to when he goes on the other coast and see if he’s as inclusive of you being there as he was before. You were with him once so you probably know his “ways of being/living”.

 

Look up assertive talking rather than aggressive. You can do this! It might be scary but what’s the alternative?!?

[boltnrun]

"I'm concerned that you may not have completely ended things with . I need to know for sure in order to feel secure enough to keep seeing you. Can you assure me that you have not and will not continue to see or communicate with her? If you choose to continue some kind of contact with her, I'll need to rethink whether or not I want to continue seeing you."

 

You would be making the decision to continue with him yours, not his.

 

If he is wishy-washy or makes excuses to keep communicating with her, or is evasive, you'll know that she's in some manner still important to him. And you can choose whether or not you want to participate in the "pick me, pick me!" game.

[citrusgreen]

Something just occurred to me that is bothering me (just a little).

 

I know that most of you think it was out of line of him to send me her apology note. But nevertheless he did send it on Thursday. It said:

 

I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed by the way I threw a tantrum like a child. It’s because I’m jealous of her and feel I’m second best. I had to cause chaos to keep from staying friends with you cause it’s too hard for me.

 

His note to me, beneath this, was: Maybe this means that’s the end of that crap. I hope so. Followed by some well wishes for the holiday.

 

I agree it was misguided of him to send it (especially as a screenshot) rather than just tell me about it; it’s a bit too much, and perhaps raises more questions than it answers.

 

But I’m also not convinced he sent it for any nefarious or truly troubling reason.

 

In any case, i waited 5 hours to reply and then wrote:

 

Ugh. I hope that it is. But I also hope that maybe we can talk more about this when it’s not thanksgiving, because I still have some concerns. (I then went on to thank him again for the beautiful flowers etc, to keep things positive)

 

I realize now though, that he didn’t actually respond to or address me wanting to talk more after thanksgiving (or say anything about me having more “concerns”).

 

He comes back from his thanksgiving trip with his daughters tomorrow. And I haven’t asked when he’s going back to the west coast. We’ve been making our usual nice small talk since then.

 

Hmm.... should I be worried? It’s possible that he’s going straight back to West coast after bringing his daughters home (meaning there would be no time for us to meet up). And now I even feel uncomfortable asking! And I feel weird bringing things up via text during his father-daughters trip. But is it weird how he seemed to ignore that text entirely? Or is it because i said i wanted to address it after thanksgiving (my family situation is pretty stressful; i was worried about going home for the holiday; he was maybe trying to be sensitive to that and my request to wait?)

 

Note: one of the strange things about the first incarnation of our relationship was that I always felt weird asking him when he was going to/ coming back from the west coast. I tend to play it cool to a fault, because I’m terrified of being seen as needy or demanding or overly interested. This is our basic dynamic. And it’s also my personality. I’ve been trying to fix it this time around, but it’s obviously still not resolved.

[Starlight925]

Yeah, my ex got almost the exact same "apology" email from his ex too. And she, too, sent it via email rather than text, so like you, I thought, cool, that means she's blocked on text, because otherwise, she'd have texted instead of emailed.

 

And my ex also shared her email with me, so that I could truly "get" her apology.

 

You know what all this is, citrusgreen? It's a way for them to "show" us that they are in the clear. This is your guy's attempt to show you that he has his hands clean, that she's apologizing, so he obviously isn't in the wrong in any way.

 

This is all about keeping himself blameless.

 

In my case, anyway, it turned out to be a bunch of b.s.

 

I stand by my other post to you about this situation, as my situation so clearly mirrors yours.

 

I, too, had all the excuses that you have, and all the posters here warned me, just like we are warning you. Tread lightly here.

[citrusgreen]

Yeah, my ex got almost the exact same "apology" email from his ex too. And she, too, sent it via email rather than text, so like you, I thought, cool, that means she's blocked on text, because otherwise, she'd have texted instead of emailed.

 

And my ex also shared her email with me, so that I could truly "get" her apology.

 

You know what all this is, citrusgreen? It's a way for them to "show" us that they are in the clear. This is your guy's attempt to show you that he has his hands clean, that she's apologizing, so he obviously isn't in the wrong in any way.

 

This is all about keeping himself blameless.

 

In my case, anyway, it turned out to be a bunch of b.s.

 

I stand by my other post to you about this situation, as my situation so clearly mirrors yours.

 

I, too, had all the excuses that you have, and all the posters here warned me, just like we are warning you. Tread lightly here.

 

Thanks LHGirl.

 

I was curious, what was the nature of your ex’s ex-girlfriends harassing? Mine contacted me directly, via Instagram, and lobbed terrible, kind of senseless insults at me (about how she hates me and criticisms about my appearance, anatomy, etc). She doesn’t say anything about her and my ex/current guy or make any threats.

[boltnrun]

Are you afraid of "scaring him off"?

[citrusgreen]

Are you afraid of "scaring him off"?

 

Yes, I suppose so. But my fear is not specific to him. Probably a result of a lot family trauma growing up — I’m generally have a hard time asking for things or doing anything that might be seen as demanding. This is in work, friendships, relationships, etc. trying to work on this. Just acknowledging here that it’s not my usual M.O. and doesn’t come naturally to me.

 

The sad irony is that my hesitance to vocalize questions/concerns or state needs has probably caused more harm to relationship than good, as its perceived as disinterest or aloofness. Also isn’t great for helping me to set up situations that work for me. I tend to either take exactly what’s offered or disappear with no explanation. Either that or I let everything build up quietly and then release it unexpectedly in a very unproductive damaging way.

[Starlight925]

Thanks LHGirl.

 

I was curious, what was the nature of your ex’s ex-girlfriends harassing? Mine contacted me directly, via Instagram, and lobbed terrible, kind of senseless insults at me (about how she hates me and criticisms about my appearance, anatomy, etc). She doesn’t say anything about her and my ex/current guy or make any threats.

 

OK, this is confusing, so I'll say it this way:

My ex's ex is named H.

H. had had a best friend, L., who had walked away from the friendship, as H. created drama everywhere she went.

 

H. friend-requested me on Facebook, so for a while, I accepted, as she was being "so sweet" to me. Then, L, who I had never met, ran into me and pulled me aside with a warning. I told the L. that no, she was mistaken, that H. was being "so nice!!!" to me. L. grabbed my arm and said, "LHGirl, please accept this as a warning". Almost immediately after that warning, it started. L. said that H. only friend-requested me to gather as much info about me as possible.

 

In my case, it wasn't insults at me, but it was everything she thought she could tell me about my boyfriend to make me want to break up with him. Oh, you know he did this, and you know he did that. When that didn't work, she kept trying to insert herself every time there was a social situation, to make me look stupid. It's a long drawn-out story, but the end result was this: I unfriended her, and my exBF & I went to counseling about it.

 

I now look back and realize he loved the flying monkey b.s. that this all created, as he sat back and enjoyed.

 

He would make a big show of blocking her, and telling me that he "got in her face" and yelled at her to leave us alone. Then, mysteriously, her texts would start up again. Um, how is that, if she's blocked and yelled at? Now that we are 3-months broken up, they are in very regular contact.

 

H.'s apology email was very similar to the one in your situation. Apologies about the way she behaved, about how she realized it was truly over for him & her, that she was just very sad, blah-blah-blah.

 

It turned out to be all a bunch of b.s., I'm sorry to say.

[boltnrun]

Classic codependency.

 

You're afraid of running people off if you dare to ask for something or insist on honest transparency from anyone, because they might get mad and leave. Or, you reject them before they can reject you, because you expect rejection .

 

And yes, people can pick up on this. They know you'll do anything to keep them.

 

He can keep both you and this other woman because you won't insist on your right to be treated with honesty.

 

I wonder if you'd prefer to remain unsure of this situation. That way you can keep seeing him while telling yourself you're "fairly certain" he isn't still seeing her.