Being Belligerent Harassed and Stalked by my Boyfriend's Ex -- Advice Needed!!!

[citrusgreen]

The guy I'm seeing, "L" and I initially dated for 2.5 years. We broke up for 4 months this past spring. It was a pretty amicable split. He and I both live (separately) on the East Coast, but he spends about 1/3 of his time on the west coast for work.

 

During the months we were broken up he started dating a much younger woman on the west coast, "D". He apparantly thought it was a fling, but she basically fell in love with him. I knew very little about their. At the end of August, L and I had an unexpected reunion, when he reached out and invited me to join a group of our mutual friends at his country house for a longweekend. It seemed like a platonic invitation, but we wound up having a really lovely weekend, and basically wound up hooking up and generally having a great time together. I wasn't sure what his status was with D at the time -- it wasn't something we talked about -- but we both obviously enjoyed the weekend, and we've gradually started to see each other again. (And it's been going really well!).

 

However, I knew something was wrong when on the 3rd day of that reunion weekend, his phone started ringing, non-stop, in the middle of the night. He apologized and turned it off. The next day -- and for the next week, I suddenly found that D was stalking me on social media -- watching every story I posted, not even trying to disguise her identity. Then she outright tried to friend me on social media. She had somehow figured out that I was at L's house for the weekend. I ignored the stalking for a week, and then felt upset about enough about it I told L about it. (It was also a way for me to talk to him about what his status was with her).

 

L was very apologetic and sheepishly explained he'd started seeing D over the summer, because "she was nice and he was lonely". He said they did a bunch of stuff together, but that he'd started to realize that she wasn't very stable and also that she was taking their time together more seriously than he was. He said he realized he'd inadvertantly led her on a bit, and needed to break things off with her. He also said that he'd mentioned my name to her at some point during the summer, and that she became jealous and a bit obsessive about me; that she started looking at my social media (without me realizing), asking a lot of questions, etc.

 

Fast forward 2.5 months. L and I have been seeing each other more and more, and like I said, it's been going really well. I'm not sure exactly at what point he broke things off with D, but he did at some point.

 

This past week, I posted on Instagram a picture of a concert I went to. It happens that L also is a fan of the band, but I went to this show independently of him; he wasn't there. Within an hour of me posting it, someone from an anonymous account, posted a public comment with a slew of really personal hateful, hurtful, mean comments. The comment criticized my appearance (I'm not in the picture, but she's seen others of me), my character, and more. I didn't see the comment until the next day, and I happened to be with L when I read it. I visibly shaken and confused and told him about it. He said right away, "That's L posting that. I'm really sorry." Apparantly she'd sent him a bunch of terrible text messages that night too, which included a lot insecurities about me. He was profusely apologetic and said that the terrible things she's saying are based on her feeling inferior to me.

 

Since then she has created more anonymous accounts, and is sending me direct messages to me that are incredibly hurtful and hateful. It's awful. She's harshly criticizing my appearance (she is quite beautiful and much younger than me), my age. Claiming that L said terrible things about me. Calling me a "home-wrecker." Telling me she more than hates me, etc.

 

I'm really not sure what to do! I feel sick to my stomach and awful. It makes me feel deeply inadequate and sad and insecure and freaked out on so many levels (about my looks, my worth, my relationship with L, L's past relationship with her, L's feelings about me, guilt about her, etc).

 

She also at the same time apparantly sent a number of awful rants to L. L thinks this outburst is the result of him not responding to her texts for a few days. He says he's made it clear to her that they are done, but that maybe it's better if he continues to text her in a friendly way and not ignore her? I don't know how I feel about that. "ignored her a few days". L also seems to think this will peeter out in a few days, but I don't believe it will. Also, L at first seemed hesitant to tell her to stop contacting me (he worried it would make it worse) ... which I find a bit disconcerting.

 

BTW, there is nothing posted anywhere online that would indicate that L and I are seeing each other again, and he claims he hasn't told her. I'm not sure what she has heard, other than seeing a photo of band that L and I both like).

 

She sounds incredibly unstable, and L just told me now that she tried to kill herself the last time a boyfriend broke up with her My own self-esteem aside, I'd be devastated if anything like that were to happen.

 

Has anybody dealt with this kind of thing? Any advice or direction would really be appreciated.

[abitbroken]

Report the accounts to the social media sites to have her IP banned. Its harrassment. Also make screenshots of everything. ANd block all those accounts Honestly does he still communicate with her? he needs to tell her to stop - but has he broken up with her properly?

[boltnrun]

Sounds like he cheated on her with you and she's obviously not taking it well.

 

Why are you not sure about his status with her?

 

And from what you wrote, you two are "seeing" each other, not in a relationship...correct?

 

Of course you can block her and change your number. But part of this is on him for cheating on her and not telling her it was over until after the fact.

[abitbroken]

Sounds like he cheated on her with you and she's obviously not taking it well.

 

Why are you not sure about his status with her?

 

And from what you wrote, you two are "seeing" each other, not in a relationship...correct?

 

Of course you can block her and change your number. But part of this is on him for cheating on her and not telling her it was over until after the fact.

 

If he never actually broke up with her, i can understand why she is so angry. I think he minimized to you how serious the relationship was with her -- he was at least dating her -- it wasn't "friendship" like he is portraying it. If she fell for him and he was just passing time, then it was up to him as a mature responsible man to not lead her on, to be straight up with her and not use her as a place holder. She may seem nuts - but looking at it with boltnruns perspective - she is not totally random out of left field. In her eyes, you stole her man.

[citrusgreen]

Report the accounts to the social media sites to have her IP banned. Its harrassment. Also make screenshots of everything. ANd block all those accounts Honestly does he still communicate with her? he needs to tell her to stop - but has he broken up with her properly?

 

Thank you! I will definitely do that. I had no idea you could!

 

He has broken things off with her properly. I believe this happened about a week after he and I spent that reunion weekend together, when he went back to the west coast. I feel pretty confident about this because now that I’m reviewing her social media I can see a number of sad, heartbroken posts at that time.

 

However he told me today that he has still seen her since then.... that she wanted to remain “friends” and that he was trying to do that. I do imagine there was a grey period / some ambiguousness in there.

 

I was surprised when today he said that he thought these most recent outbursts came because he’d been ignoring her for a few days. And that it was better when they were exchanging friendly text messages.

 

It’s also unclear if he told her he knew she was texting me. Last week reasoned that if he were to acknowledge her harassment of me and tell her to stop it might make things worse. But today he told me that he told her to stop.

 

My guess is that he doesn’t want her to know that he and I are seeing each other — not because he wants to get back together with her but probably bc she’s saying things to him like “you’re a terrible person because you secretly liked her better all along” so he doesn’t want to fess up to that. Also, he could be worried about what she could say to me.

[abitbroken]

However he told me today that he has still seen her since then.... that she wanted to remain “friends” and that he was trying to do that. I do imagine there was a grey period / some ambiguousness in there.

 

I was surprised when today he said that he thought these most recent outbursts came because he’d been ignoring her for a few days. And that it was better when they were exchanging friendly text messages.

 

 

.

 

Oh heck no.There should be no ambiguousness. If he wants you - then he has to make it clear without being her pal, without seeing her, and moving on. if he insists that he has to stay friends with her, then he doesn't get to have you. He shouldn't send friendly messages and then ignore her. He should properly tell her that he cannot maintain a friendship with her and ask her not to contact him. He is still leading her on by toying with her emotions.

[abitbroken]

My guess is that he doesn’t want her to know that he and I are seeing each other — not because he wants to get back together with her but probably bc she’s saying things to him like “you’re a terrible person because you secretly liked her better all along” so he doesn’t want to fess up to that. Also, he could be worried about what she could say to me

 

He should be proud to be with you and not hide your relationship. If he can't do that and must hide it because of what another person might think, you don't belong in a relationship with him. So he doesn't want to fess up to have liked you? Is this 7th grade? Either you are dating a real man or you are dating a player or too darn much of a people pleaser

[citrusgreen]

If he never actually broke up with her, i can understand why she is so angry. I think he minimized to you how serious the relationship was with her -- he was at least dating her -- it wasn't "friendship" like he is portraying it. If she fell for him and he was just passing time, then it was up to him as a mature responsible man to not lead her on, to be straight up with her and not use her as a place holder. She may seem nuts - but looking at it with boltnruns perspective - she is not totally random out of left field. In her eyes, you stole her man.

 

I totally agree with you... I think he did lead her on. And I don’t blame her for being upset—at him. I’d be really upset! It’s upsetting because i feel really good about things with him now, but it makes me question his judgement and character.

 

Oh and he definitely acknowledges that they were fully dating.... the “friendship” part is him saying they were trying to remain friendly after he ended.

 

At the same time, she sounds generally u stable and her reaction seems extreme. I’ve never taken my heartbreak out on another woman.

 

I also genuinely do worry about her because she allegedly tried to kill herself the last time she was broken up with.

[boltnrun]

So he's still spending lots of time in her area? And you believe he may have still been spending time with her as "friends"? AND, she doesn't know he's "seeing" you?

 

It's starting to become very clear (and understandable) why she's going off the deep end. He's being less than straightforward with her.

 

Side note, I too was "seeing" a guy who hadn't quite ended things with the woman he was with before me. He told me she was a "psycho" who wouldn't leave him alone. She too was doing the call and text bombardment. Turns out, he was telling her things like he was trying to detach from ME and I wouldn't leave him alone, and on nights when I wasn't around he was texting her things like "Wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you". All the while I thought he and I were in a relationship.

 

Sorry, but it sounds like this guy isn't taking the steps to make a clean and final break. Don't you want to know why that is? Or are you willing to just stay around dealing with "ambiguous-ness", hoping she eventually gives up or fades away?

[HeartGoesOn]

He's obviously leaving the lines of communication with her open for a reason. My guess is he's playing the both of you. Either way it appears you're being short-changed, which spells an extreme lack of respect, (imo).

 

It's your call, but I'd send him packing.

[ThatwasThen]

(It was also a way for me to talk to him about what his status was with her).

I think taking your clothes off together would have been the perfect time to have asked about his status.

 

I'd dump this guy because he was still with her when you two got together. Unfortunately you didn't ask his status before you hooked up again and you've become emotionally attached. It would have been a lot easier to just get him out of your life for good, blocked and deleted the psycho bunny boiler and moved on.

 

I'd be deleting any social media or at least tidying up my privacy settings so random psychos can't get through to you as well.

 

My guess is that he doesn’t want her to know that he and I are seeing each other — not because he wants to get back together with her but probably bc she’s saying things to him like “you’re a terrible person because you secretly liked her better all along” so he doesn’t want to fess up to that. Also, he could be worried about what she could say to me.

My guess is he's not worth your trouble and you should let her have him.

[Honeycomb8]

So he cheated on her and got with you that weekend, and he's obviously leading her on currently. I wouldn't date this guy, he's bad news.

[boltnrun]

"I’ve never taken my heartbreak out on another woman. "

 

But here you are, calling her belligerent and unstable and not understanding why she's going after you instead of him yet you're doing somewhat the same thing...blaming her for being unstable instead of blaming him for being dishonest.

 

I mean, what a setup for him! A woman on the east coast and another on the west! But not so good for you and the other woman.

[Hollyj]

Sounds like he is still involved with her, and he is playing both of you. Absolute nonsense about remaining in contact, he should have blocked her long ago.

 

The guy is a player. He has a woman on both coasts.

[citrusgreen]

 

He should be proud to be with you and not hide your relationship. If he can't do that and must hide it because of what another person might think, you don't belong in a relationship with him. So he doesn't want to fess up to have liked you? Is this 7th grade? Either you are dating a real man or you are dating a player or too darn much of a people pleaser

 

I agree and I think that our relationship will fail if it has to stay a secret.

 

I think one of the issues is that, unbeknownst to me, she was worried about me the whole time they were seeing each other... and expressed this to him... and now he’s gone and done exactly the thing she was worried about. They were not in a formally committed relationship, they dated/hung out for four months but of course it still sucks.

 

Do you think I should make a specific request to him to tell her that he and I are dating now? It seems really harsh! It also seems like it will make the harassment worse. I’m also not the type of woman to make demands on a guy... I’m not sure what to do.

 

Also, should I request that he fully cut off contact with her? I’m generally comfortable with people remaining friends with their exes and have never before been in a position where I’ve had to ask them to stop. It just feels like an ultimatum but I’m also really uncomfortable with him continuing to speak to her.

 

(Note: he is definitely a people pleaser/non confrontational type — as am I, clearly)

[citrusgreen]

"I’ve never taken my heartbreak out on another woman. "

 

But here you are, calling her belligerent and unstable and not understanding why she's going after you instead of him yet you're doing somewhat the same thing...blaming her for being unstable instead of blaming him for being dishonest.

 

I mean, what a setup for him! A woman on the east coast and another on the west! But not so good for you and the other woman.

 

To clarify a bit: I’ve not responded at all to any of her messages or called her anything. I’m describing her behavior here in this board as belligerent because it is objectively belligerent (I’m not going to post her messages to me here but they are definitely belligerent). And yes, I would say she seems quite unstable; I’m not saying this as a judgement, and i feel deeply for anybody who is experiencing heartbreak. She also has a history of Suicide attempts and some other issues that I think qualify her as unstable.

I mention that she is unstable because it might have some bearing on the best way to approach or handle this.

[citrusgreen]

Sounds like he is still involved with her, and he is playing both of you. Absolute nonsense about remaining in contact, he should have blocked her long ago.

 

The guy is a player. He has a woman on both coasts.

 

He’s not involved with her now in that way; I feel pretty confident about that. I believe his claim that he ended things with her shortly after he and I got back together.... in mid September ... I believe this because her Facebook and Instagram since that time are filled with many posts about heartbreak, etc.

 

But I agree that he’s kept a grey area of having stayed in touch with her etc. He told me that they’d have lunch and stuff and she’d ask him if she could go home with him afterwards and he’d say no to her. That doesn’t make me feel comfortable.

[rosephase]

Why did you break up in the first place? What changed that makes you think the relationship will work better this time?

 

Why do her attacks get to you? I can understand being worried and not enjoying the attention but why can she make you question your own worth?

[citrusgreen]

Update: He just showed me an apology note that she just sent him. It says “I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed by the way I threw a tantrum like a child. It’s because I’m jealous of her and feel like I’m second best. I had to cause chaos to keep from staying friends with you cause it’s too hard for me.”

 

[by chaos he means the barrage of texts and attacks that she’s sending me and him]. He says “hopefully this means this insanity will end.”

 

I feel really uneasy. Even if she were to stop with the mean texts messages to me I feel deeply uneasy about her obsession with him.

 

Also, to add to the backstory: they dated for 4 months, and 2 months into casual dating, she announced (on social media and to him) that she was moving to the east and just assumed that she could move in. He quickly set her straight on the moving in part (way too soon!). Her level of infatuation with him scares me.

[ThatwasThen]

Her level of infatuation with him scares me.

Apparently it doesn't scare you enough to leave him and all this ex drama behind you.

 

He is doing NOTHING to stop her obsession of him. That alone should have you scared never mind what she's thinking or doing. Until he gets the ballzzz to tell her that he's going zero contact with her and blocks and deletes her from all ways of communicating, I suspect you will be angst ridden due to not only her infatuation with him, but with his continued involvement with her.

[katrina1980]

So SHE was/is worried about your status with him, while you are worried about his status with her.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

 

Where's there's smoke there's fire.

 

Frankly, I think "your" infatuation with him is blinding you to what's actually happening.

 

Why is he showing you her "apology" texts? This doesn't make sense to me.

 

The reality is where you have one woman continuing to text and remain obsessed with a man after dating/sexually involved, there is a man encouraging her/leading her on.

 

A man who had disconnected from her, emotionally, physically, would have put a stop to this lunacy immediately upon realizing it was over with her and getting involved with you.

 

Firmly ending it and then blocking her.

 

Bottom line is this is bull shyt.

 

I would never tolerate him continuing to play both of us which IS what he's doing; don't let your own infatuation with him blind you to that, which is what I think you are doing.

 

Wake up. This is crazy. Toxic.

 

Buy bye!! Next.

[citrusgreen]

Why did you break up in the first place? What changed that makes you think the relationship will work better this time?

 

Why do her attacks get to you? I can understand being worried and not enjoying the attention but why can she make you question your own worth?

 

Our past relationship was unusual in that it was a very, very slow build, starting out as friends and developing gradually. I had recently come out of a very intense, tumultuous relationship with someone who treated me pretty badly. And so I was extremely guarded about entering a new relationship or opening up emotionally to anybody. He was ultimately sad and hurt by this, which is totally fair, but by that point it was hard for 2 relatively cautious guarded people to turn things around into the relationship I think we both wanted. It was like we needed a clean break and I think I really needed time to heal and be by myself. During our time together we never fought or had any drama and were always super respectful of each other. I think he was probably pretty sad when it ended.

 

In terms of why I let her comments get to me, it’s just hard and sad to hear those things about oneself. Not to be superficial, but among other things she is telling me how ugly I am, and even though I know that’s not true it’s hard to hear that, particularly from someone who is quite young and good looking. It makes me question how L could be attracted to me after being with her (even though I know that’s not an issue).

[boltnrun]

So they're still communicating.

 

Not surprising, honestly.

 

He showed you that text to "prove" everything's fine now. That way he can justify continuing being "friends" with her.

 

You keep writing that you're "fairly certain" he's completely ended things with her, which means you are not absolutely sure.

 

I still think, based on what you've written, that he's still seeing her and that he's got a woman on each coast.

 

Is he in your area now? For how long? And when does he head back to her area, and for how long?

[Honeycomb8]

He's obviously playing them both.

 

I would think the OP would want to do better than a cheat.

[katrina1980]

He's obviously playing them both.

 

I would think the OP would want to do better than a cheat.

 

Of course he is. Plain as day.

 

Yeah one would think she'd want to do better but she seems caught up in her own infatuation and isn't seeing things clearly. Has blind faith in everything he's telling her.

 

If she were seeing things clearly, she'd agree he's playing both of them, and leave which isn't something she is emotionally prepared to do. Not right now anyway. Hopefully, someday soon she will be.

 

I've been there so get it

 

Good luck OP.