How does this happen?

[katrina1980]

 

And as someone who has experience with this, I’m sure you can understand how destructive it is getting into a relationship with a known addict.

 

Yes, I most certainly do know how destructive it is.

 

So what's your excuse?

 

I mean, you keep disregarding the fact that this girl, the girl YOU want to have a relationship with is also an addict!

 

Why do you continue to dismiss this very important detail? Like it's not relevant or something. It is. It is very relevant.

 

Are you in some sort of denial or something?

 

This girl you consider so perfect is an addict! Just like this guy you negatively judge so much is.

 

So why is it okay for YOU to want to pursue a RL with an addict, but not her?

 

And don't say it's different, it's absolutely not different.

 

Alcohol addiction and drug addiction are both very serious addictions, equal in the amount of harm they cause, not only to the addict but to those with whom they become involved.

 

Let that sink in before you go judging this guy (or her for getting involved with hm) so negatively.

 

You're guilty of the same thing she is. Becoming attracted to and wanting a RL with an addict!

[katrina1980]

If you want to know how destructive alcohol addiction is, I recommend you watch:

 

My Name Is Bill W.

 

Days of Wine and Roses.

 

The Lost Weekend.

 

Three great movies depicting how destructive and devastating alcohol addiction is.

 

This girl's addiction must be pretty serious if it warranted her entering rehab.

 

Not judging her at all, and applaud her for getting help, but it would serve you well to acknowledge her addiction, and take her off that perfect pedestal you've placed her on.

[pippy longstocking]

So what are you going to do, argue with the way the world works? This is the way it is and your only option is to accept it and step up your game or die alone. But this passive-aggressive complaining doesn't accomplish anything.

 

GOOD GOD ,...So he isn't allowed to come here to have a moan .

 

Don't worry dave ..this lot don't facebook stalk , judge people , make their own threads and complain !!!!

 

 

This is so similar to what happened to a friend of mine I was half wondering if it was you ...well if it is you will know by my name .

 

If it isn't , then I can tell you that a male friend experienced exactly the same last year , and there he was on the *outside* while she was building a relationship in rehab .

 

I reckon it is to do with being in the *same boat* scenario . For example , my mum went into a coma with a mystery brain virus many years ago and I lived at the hospital for weeks , there was a lad who was also spending every second there , we knew what each other was going through , we became inseparable , we ate together , we popped out the ozzy for a smoke together , to pop to the shops together , we knew each others every move , and although we didn't do anything romantically speaking , I felt like he was my best friend in the whole world haha We where lost in this situation that only us two knew how it felt ( in our minds anyway ) ....

 

So for her , she is thrown together in the same unit as someone who gets her more then anyone else can , they know what each other is going through , they probably have a lot of past experiences that are the same , they will no doubt be looking out for each other , it is something to look forward to , every day they wake up knowing they face another day of withdrawal, therapy etc etc

 

Don't judge yourself worth on what has happened .

[nutbrownhare]

How do I step up my game in this situation? Start shooting heroin? Make a lifetime of bad choices that lands me in rehab? It worked for this guy. Zero consequences for his poor life choices. His reward? A relationship with a seemingly perfect woman.

 

She is not a 'seemingly perfect woman'. She's an addict, and will not be emotionally available to ANYONE unless she goes through an awful lot of recovery, not just for the physical effects of addiction but the emotional and spiritual ones which predispose people to it in the first place. Many alcoholics are delightful people when they're sober; it's not at all unusual for their partners to say that everything would be wonderful if only s/he would stop drinking. Have a look at this link for a glimpse into life with an alcoholic: [url=" (This is just one example; there are many, many more online).

 

Incidentally, in all the 12-Step programs they recommend that you don't start any new relationships in the first year of recovery because they're likely to trigger a relapse, amongst other reasons.

 

The opportunity for growth in this situation lies in looking for the reasons why you feel she has chosen him over you - when you hadn't asked her out in the first place (in future, if you like the look of someone you could at least ask them out for coffee!). In addition, ask yourself why you're not looking at her alcoholism as a ginormous, huge red flag and feeling grateful you DIDN'T get involved!

[DavePort80]

So what's your excuse?

 

I mean, you keep disregarding the fact that this girl, the girl YOU want to have a relationship with is also an addict!

 

Why do you continue to dismiss this very important detail? Like it's not relevant or something. It is. It is very relevant

 

So why is it okay for YOU to want to pursue a RL with an addict, but not her?

 

And don't say it's different, it's absolutely not different.

 

Alcohol addiction and drug addiction are both very serious addictions, equal in the amount of harm they cause, not only to the addict but to those with whom they become involved.

 

Let that sink in before you go judging this guy (or her for getting involved with hm) so negatively.

 

You're guilty of the same thing she is. Becoming attracted to and wanting a RL with an addict!

 

The situations are different. What she’s doing is harmful. Putting herself in a situation where she could be exposed to his destructive habits, possible drug use. She has a family history of addiction. Her brother died from the very same drug this new guy has had issues with. She should know better. I thought she was smart enough to avoid this kind of thing.

[Careerchoice]

Everybody FB stalks.

 

But not everyone develops Facebook crushes on women they've rarely, if ever, met. That's a waste of time.

[Careerchoice]

The situations are different. What she’s doing is harmful. Putting herself in a situation where she could be exposed to his destructive habits, possible drug use. She has a family history of addiction. Her brother died from the very same drug this new guy has had issues with. She should know better. I thought she was smart enough to avoid this kind of thing.

 

And what dog do you have in this fight? She's not your gf.

[nutbrownhare]

I thought she was smart enough to avoid this kind of thing.

 

The only thing you can do is be smart enough yourself to avoid this kind of thing, and let yourself know that an alcoholic is not going to be a good partner!

[DavePort80]

The only thing you can do is be smart enough yourself to avoid this kind of thing, and let yourself know that an alcoholic is not going to be a good partner!

 

She has the potential for a successful recovery. She seems to be doing well. Recovering alcoholics can make good partners too.

[DavePort80]

And what dog do you have in this fight? She's not your gf.

 

 

I don’t have a dog in this fight. It’s the whole situation that confounds me, and confirms what I already knew to be true about most women.

[katrina1980]

She has the potential for a successful recovery. She seems to be doing well. Recovering alcoholics can make good partners too.

 

And how do you know this? Addicts in recovery aren't even allowed to speak with family, let alone friends.

 

Plus you're not even a friend.

 

Yes, recovering addicts can make good partners, once they recover.

 

Just like the man she is currently with may make a good partner once HE recovers.

 

Again, stop making assumptions about why she likes him, and judging her.

 

You're doing the same thing with her, as she is doing with this other man.

[katrina1980]

I don’t have a dog in this fight. It’s the whole situation that confounds me, and confirms what I already knew to be true about most women.

 

Yes that we connect with men we can talk to, relate to, and in her case, also develop a common bond with, such as their respective addictions and recovery.

 

Men that aren't so focused on our "appearance" and "observing" us from a distance.

 

Confident, men who, when interested, express that interest, and don't sit on the sidelines "observing."

 

He's in recovery, learning, growing, evolving, as is she!

 

Based on this, and what you've shared about him, and yourself, it's not surprising she chose HIM, for all those reasons.

[Jibralta]

I reckon it is to do with being in the *same boat* scenario . For example , my mum went into a coma with a mystery brain virus many years ago and I lived at the hospital for weeks , there was a lad who was also spending every second there , we knew what each other was going through , we became inseparable , we ate together , we popped out the ozzy for a smoke together , to pop to the shops together , we knew each others every move , and although we didn't do anything romantically speaking , I felt like he was my best friend in the whole world haha We where lost in this situation that only us two knew how it felt ( in our minds anyway ) ....

 

So for her , she is thrown together in the same unit as someone who gets her more then anyone else can , they know what each other is going through , they probably have a lot of past experiences that are the same , they will no doubt be looking out for each other , it is something to look forward to , every day they wake up knowing they face another day of withdrawal, therapy etc etc

 

It's true. And in a rehab situation where there's group therapy and group activities, people start to feel very close. It's very easy for relationships to develop. They are usually prohibited, and for good reason, but people make bad decisions every day.

 

It’s that this experience seems to be a recurring one in my experience and observation. Women falling for these types.

 

It should come as no surprise that the guy is younger and attractive. I just wonder how much that factored in. Maybe more than her and most women would like to admit.

 

Statements like these do make you seem bitter. And it's limiting. If this is what you think women are like, then this is as good as you'll get.

[DavePort80]

And how do you know this? Addicts in recovery aren't even allowed to speak with family, let alone friends.

 

Plus you're not even a friend.

 

She got out of rehab several months ago. It was one of those intensive outpatient programs. She was allowed to leave and work while getting treatment.

 

And I know she’s doing well because I follow her on social media.

[katrina1980]

She got out of rehab several months ago. It was one of those intensive outpatient programs. She was allowed to leave and work while getting treatment..

 

That differs from what you said in your original post, which was:

 

Recently, she went into rehab for 30 days for drinking.

 

In any event, Jibralta is right, no matter how hard you try to deny, you do seem very bitter.

 

It's apparent in nearly every post you write.

 

That's sad.

 

I hope someday you can accept that they're together and let it go. You'll be a lot better off for it.

 

This almost seems like an obsession for your now, following her on social media?

 

I am sure you don't need me to tell you how unhealthy that is.

 

Best of luck.

[DavePort80]

Yes that we connect with men we can talk to, relate to, and in her case, also develop a common bond with, such as their respective addictions and recovery.

 

Men that aren't so focused on our "appearance" and "observing" us from a distance.

 

Confident, men who, when interested, express that interest, and don't sit on the sidelines "observing."

 

He's in recovery, learning, growing, evolving, as is she!

 

Based on this, and what you've shared about him, and yourself, it's not surprising she chose HIM, for all those reasons.

 

He’s not learning, growing or evolving. He’s a scum bag junkie who’s been in rehab multiple times, has been arrested, brags about smoking weed on Facebook all day, and I’m pretty sure has a kid.

[Careerchoice]

I don’t have a dog in this fight. It’s the whole situation that confounds me, and confirms what I already knew to be true about most women.

 

And what is that? Please allow yourself to to freely express your contempt and judgmental/condescending attitudes towards women.

[Careerchoice]

He’s not learning, growing or evolving. He’s a scum bag junkie who’s been in rehab multiple times, has been arrested, brags about smoking weed on Facebook all day, and I’m pretty sure has a kid.

 

So what? It's not like he's your son. He doesn't owe you anything. The only reason you hate on him is because he got "your girl". You can deny that this is sour grapes all you want, but that's all I see. Plus condescending, judgmental, bitter, jaded, passive-aggressive. You can dis this guy all you want, but he could dis you equally as hard for your lack of ability with women.

[DavePort80]

And what is that? Please allow yourself to to freely express your contempt and judgmental/condescending attitudes towards women.

 

My frustration comes from a lifetime of trying to make safe, smart, responsible decisions. Play by the rules. Be a man worthy of a relationship with an equal partner.

 

That’s gotten me nowhere. From social circles , to life experiences , to observing social media, I see women choose these unsuitable partners. It’s not about losing the girl, it’s losing the girl to a guy like him.

[Careerchoice]

My frustration comes from a lifetime of trying to make safe, smart, responsible decisions. Play by the rules. Be a man worthy of a relationship with an equal partner.

 

That’s gotten me nowhere. From social circles , to life experiences , to observing social media, I see women choose these unsuitable partners. It’s not about losing the girl, it’s losing the girl to a guy like him.

 

Obviously you were sold on an incorrect path. All of those things you point to are good aspirations, but are not relevant to attracting women. Actually, coming up short on these areas can get in the way of attracting certain women, but it's not the special sauce that generates attraction. Basically you were taught incorrectly.

 

Now who to point the finger at for your bad teachings? You can't blame this guy. He's just out there living his own life. It's not like he made you lack ability with women. Can't blame the girl, because she can't control who she's attracted to. Attraction is a reaction, not a choice. A girl has as much choice in the man she is attracted to as I have in getting turned on by a girl's cleavage. It's something that simply happens. So who's left? Can't blame yourself for what you were taught. You were on the receiving end of the information. Blame your parents? Maybe, but they were simply passing along to you what they were taught. The media? Your teachers? Probably a lot of blame to throw around there.

 

But pointing the finger isn't solving anything. Because at the end of the day, you are at where you're at as far as your skills with women are concerned. I had really bad skills with women for most of my life. For the first half of 2006 I broke through a bit, but then got into a long relationship. So I was left to start over again at the beginning of this year. But I didn't complain about the past or what I'd been taught. I researched the PUA community and got involved in their teachings on how to attract women. I took it on myself to learn how to attract women. I was interested in getting better and willing to do the work. It wasn't easy for the first half of this year. My success was brutally low. Then things started to pick up in July. I now have multiple sex partners and offers for getting into relationships that I turn down. At this point, I'm simply waiting for one girl to stand out from the rest before I decide on her. It's a pretty surreal experience compared to where I used to be, especially the past 2 weeks.

 

So instead of being bitter, be selfish and choose to make your life better. I'm no magician. If I can improve, anyone can.

[pippy longstocking]

I am going to say it again mate , cos you are so full of anger you are not letting anything logical seep through

 

It is about institutionalisation .... more examples ...I am ex forces ..but when I was in the mob we mostly stuck to our own , we drank together in the naafi , we ate together in the mess , we worked together all day , we ended up in each others beds .

 

Over the years I have seen many love affairs start in a mental health facility because they are all in it together ...

 

You have to stop taking this as a slur on your character or capabilities as a man . I also think you are seeing her through rose tinted specs here ... she is there because she is an addict , how well do you REALLY know her .

[thealchemist]

No matter how intelligent a person is it doesn't carry over when it comes to romantic judgements. I don't care how many things are great about them, they can easily make dumb choices when emotions are involved.

 

Also, sometimes people NEED to make relationship mistakes to get to the right place.

 

Also, you are heavily judging these people without actually knowing them at all. Do you not realize how fake social media is? It isn't like it portrays reality at all. Most people don't facebook stalk...

 

Maybe this dude is just a rock star in bed and she needed his... attention. The reasons don't matter, they are her reasons and that is good enough for her.

 

You come off very judgemental about all of this. I smoke pot. I also have children. I am crazy about my kids. I am much more involved with my children than 90% of other people is see. My wife adores me as much as I adore her. We have been together for nearly half our lives.

 

I am sure that on paper I don't fit what you call an acceptable spouse. But the only opinion that matters is the people in the relationship.

 

I think you have a bit of "nice guy syndrome".

 

Why on earth should you behaving a certain way equate to you getting this girl. Life doesn't work that way. You seem even more annoyed because you have such a strong expectation because of how you behave. That is even more offputting.

 

You know how I got a great relationship? By being myself and not getting locked up in any ideas about following the "rules". You talk several times about the rules. What rules?

 

Relationships aren't like math. It isn't as easy as x + y = z. It is like you are mad that your relationship formula doesn't work.

[katrina1980]

 

Do you not realize how fake social media is? It isn't like it portrays reality at all.

 

Ain't that the truth! lol

[DavePort80]

These are the rules that women put out there. The responses I see in subreddits on Reddit about sex, relationships, dating. “I’m just looking for a nice guy”. “I just want someone who treats me right.” “Respect me” Then I turn around and lose out to a girl who is very likely being treated poorly by a scum bag, hound who probably gets women at every rehab center he goes too. What’s the incentive to be nice? To treat any woman with respect? From where I’m sitting, the majority of choose the douchebag.

[DavePort80]

It is about institutionalisation .... more examples ...I am ex forces ..but when I was in the mob we mostly stuck to our own , we drank together in the naafi , we ate together in the mess , we worked together all day , we ended up in each others beds .

 

Over the years I have seen many love affairs start in a mental health facility because they are all in it together ...

 

It doesn’t take a psych major to understand what is going on here. The guilt of losing her younger brother to drugs led to her own addiction of alcohol. While in rehab, she meets a guy similar to her brother. Younger, same drug issues, family experiences. She probably thinks if she can take care of this guy and “save” him, the guilt of losing her brother will go away and she can remain sober herself. So I understand how a bond can form in an environment like that.