bwknight Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 No, I'm not living in the fantasy world of everything will work out if the whole truth comes out. And she's not going to ask for forgiveness and confess her undying love for me. Maybe because of my age and the generation that raised me I believe we are all owed the truth. There's freedom in that and probably closure as well. We're all different and in reality she probably needs to tell the truth as much as I need to know it. Link to comment
Jeffbobo Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I seriously doubt that she'll spill 100% truth. How much more truth do you need? The truths that you get are from her black book and they are all things that you didn't do or did wrong for the past 20 years. There are also truths to the things that she has done recently. Which truths are you looking for? Do you not have enough of both yet? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Knight, I know we sound like a broken record. Both Jeff and I would love for your marriage to be saved, rebuilt and better than ever before but experience (not just our personal but many many others as well) tells us that the dysfunction she has shown runs deep. Also her years of behaviors you have described also tells us that this isn't something new but has been there a long time hidden by the freshness of love, marriage and having children. Then one day all those things that used to hold it at bay don't work any longer so she searches for something to MAKE herself happy and it isn't you, the family or the marriage. Once fixated on this new rush of happiness and excitement there is almost no way back until the drug no longer provides what she needs. By then there is nothing but ruin... Truth is a curious thing. There is your truth or the truth you want and then there is her truth. Sometimes they actually tell the honest truth but almost always it is the truth as they believe it, not as it really is. Reality truth is nearly impossible for them to accept so they construct a new truth and believe it with all their heart and mind. So when she says something she may actually really believe that is the God's truth even though you know it to be a lie. This is part of the dysfunction and why it is so hard to come back from this type of situation. You cannot save her if she is not willing to admit she has a problem, much like a drug addict or alcoholic has to accept and admit they need help with their addiction. You will know when you have had enough but I think you already know more truth than most of us when we decided the end was upon us. Keep posting Lost Link to comment
bwknight Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 Thanks Lost. I'm not trying to save her. Either this counselor will help get at the truth (reality) or he won't. While there are many reasons to avoid the truth (nobody wants to admit they're a lying, cheating, manipulating person), but I just believe you owe it to someone you've shared your life with for 20 years. You don't leave people not fully knowing or understanding, you stand up like an adult and tell the whole truth. You may be right and I may never get that. But I'm going to push for it while the opportunity exists. That's just me and who I am, and yes I get that may not be who she is anymore. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 It is a hard thing to look at them and see the person you trusted and loved for all those years on the outside but the inside has changed to someone you don't even recognize. There is nothing fair or just about these situations, they always leave more questions even years after the divorce... I hope you are taking good care of yourself and the kids. Keep treating this like you are single so when it does happen the adjustment will not be that drastic for you or the children. Lost Link to comment
bwknight Posted January 30, 2018 Author Share Posted January 30, 2018 You're right. She looks the same person but an alien has sucked her brains out I am spending a lot of time with kids, take them out places, go to church, etc. and don't ask if she wants to join us. She's not part of the us equation anymore. To her credit she is spending more time with them as well and returning to the good mom she's always been. That's a plus for them. Link to comment
bwknight Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Well it's been awhile. So here it is. Last Friday she asked if we could go to dinner and a movie. Took my hand at movie, something was different with her. Enjoyed the movie came went to bed. Woke me up at midnight to talk. And we did just that for the next 18 hours. She came clean with everything. I stayed calm and just listened. She was stunned but I told her nothing she said surprised me. I knew. So at the end she said I want the separation to be over. I want to rebuild our marriage and trust. I was stunned by her honesty. I'm pretty sure she told me everything. Certainly matched what I knew to be true. So during the last week we've continued to talk resulting in me moving back into our bedroom. She seems incredibly happy. It's light someone had snatched her brain and suddenly returned it. Now I know other things could be true, discovered fantasy is just that, found out other guys are idiots too, got dumped, etc. Who knows. But I've decided to trust it's over and she wants our marriage. Only time will tell. So tough because of the sudden change of mind. Will keep you all posted. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 Did you ever get a chance to read Dobson's "Love must be Tough"? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I certainly see how you struggled and managed to go on despite how crushed you were inside. I can only hope to be as brave and weather my own storm and hope my husband can come to the same conclusions. We still "share" a bed but he if were any further on his side he would be sleeping on the floor. He has said he does not love me but at times I can see "caring" poking through. I know that you are not -out of the woods so to speak but at least if you still want to work on your marriage she seems like she is willing to put in the effort now as well. My husband is still not wanting to put in the effort to save anything we have, but his actions lately have been confusing. Good luck. Remember to think of your needs and wants in regards to a marriage as well and not just appeasing hers. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 I understand your position (not really but I try). But please be careful. Very tricky place to be in. Link to comment
bwknight Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 It is a tricky place to be in and quite frankly didn't expect to be here. Proceeding with caution. There certainly is a level of honesty and communication not seen in years. Trust is another thing. I think we've both been surprised at the level of feelings we still have for each other after 20 years and the last few months. Spouses make mistakes, do stupid things (I sure have), it's where you go from there that makes the difference I guess. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 It is a tricky place to be in and quite frankly didn't expect to be here. Proceeding with caution. There certainly is a level of honesty and communication not seen in years. Trust is another thing. I think we've both been surprised at the level of feelings we still have for each other after 20 years and the last few months. Spouses make mistakes, do stupid things (I sure have), it's where you go from there that makes the difference I guess. Is marriage counseling in the equation? I do know that complete transparency is needed on her part. chi Link to comment
bwknight Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 Yes. Counseling continues, both for us and individual I've been doing for months. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Knight, This sudden turn around sounds scary from my side. I know you had hoped she would "snap out of it" but that simply doesn't happen or if it does it is extremely rare. I hope it is the case here. The level of dysfunction that she showed for all those months was really deep as well as the depth or selfishness. Tread very lightly and keep a clear head. Getting distracted by her physical appeal will leave you vulnerable to deception. Being open but cautious is my best advice. It took a while to get here so take your time getting back... Lost Link to comment
Pleasedonot5 Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 This sounds like a step in the right direction, though I hope you know you're not out of the woods yet. The situation looks better because you played it well (you should really be thanking lost and others who gave you advice here for helping you avoid common mistakes), but yes, the counseling should continue, and I'd advise extreme caution moving forward. Good job so far. Link to comment
bwknight Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 The advice has helped. Lost has been spot on most of the time. Proceeding with caution is the plan with continued counseling. Our communication and transparency continues to go well. It will take time to get the trust back. Link to comment
Carus Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Hi BWKnight*, I've been dropping in on your thread here and there and just wanted to say, I could not save my marriage, I wish you all the best with yours. I do hope you can turn it around. Like the others have said, it's like turning a massive cruise ship in a very small channel..... Many Regards Carus* Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Knight, How about an update. Lost Link to comment
bwknight Posted March 2, 2018 Author Share Posted March 2, 2018 It has been about a month now. Probably much to everyone's surprise we are doing really well. The level of truth, communication and intimacy grows and is actually beyond what it ever was before the separation. We're talking, laughing, playing, etc. like never before. So yes, it's only a month but our marriage seems to be the most important thing to us both. Kids are very happy to see us acting in love again. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 That is great news! How is counseling going? Lost Link to comment
bwknight Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 Struggling to find one we both like but we keep trying. We're not letting that stop our progress though. Link to comment
Lambert Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 Struggling to find one we both like but we keep trying. We're not letting that stop our progress though. good for you and the family. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I am assuming she wants a counselor that is a total stranger correct? I am sure you will find one soon. I am happy that you are making progress. Lost Link to comment
bwknight Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 Closing in on 2 months. Still going well. Had one pretty big fight over her need for space at times but we didn't let it define our new marriage. Made up quickly. Initially we were acting like newlyweds. Things have calmed a bit but neither of us want it to go back to the old ways. Will keep you updated. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 That is good news. How is the counseling sessions going? Lost Link to comment
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