Separation/Divorce after 20 Years

[waffle]

She thinks you're clueless about her activities, right? Why on earth would she 'fess up? She's got her cake and eating it too. You're being played like a fiddle. And any other cliches I can come up with, ha! Truth is she's got her H in Saving the Marriage mode, giving her a place to live and paying the bills and generally serving as as her back-up plan in case her kink partners don't work out (which they won't). Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Too bad my xH would've never gone for it lol.

 

Time to find your balls, man.

 

But in case you don't, insist on STD testing before you resume your sex life.

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

How are things going? Has the new attitude in her lasted?

 

Lost

[Lester]

"If she wants out of the marriage why not just fess up?"

 

A's typically marry B's. She may be used to you taking charge of every situation.

Due to the silly culture we live in, she most likely perceives herself as weak and valueless. (Rampant insecurity!)

 

This is the welcome mat for sexual predators.

With careful manipulation, he inflates her with a false sense of power.

 

I know how hard this is for you, but your current and possible post-divorce situation does not give you free reign to renege on your vows and promises.

 

She still needs you help and protection.

You just need to do it.

[lostandhurt]

It isn't so simple Lester. You can only support someone so long when they keep cutting your legs out from under you. He has made some serious mistakes in their marriage but she owns 90% of what is going on right now but will not admit it all the while engaging in sexual fun with others.

 

I have been in his shoes and I can tell you it is extremely hard to see the person you once loved and trusted with your life everyday do what they want with no regards to you or your children.

 

He has been patient and supportive but not a doormat. She is lucky he didn't throw her out months ago.

 

Lost

[bwknight]

Thanks Lost. You're so right. And I'm sure there are common themes but no two are alike. There is a new development and I will share with you Lost.

[Lester]

He, she and the kids are very unlucky he didn't properly challenge her months ago.

 

The costs of not doing so are continuing to pile up.

[journeynow]

5 weeks ago my wife informed me she had been seeing a counselor that goes to our church and she wanted to separate. I am 60, she is 45. We have 4 kids 7-18. She laid out plan for us to stay in house together with me sleeping in downstairs guest room.

 

I just read this and realize it is months old now, and I haven't caught up with how things have progressed or the advice given. However, I got just this far, and my advice for any one in a relationship with a partner who is emotionally leaving it: Let them move out of the shared space, the shared bed, the shared home, the outward representation of the relationship. Let your actions support your intent (I want this marriage, I am not leaving it at this time), and let her seriously examine what leaving the marriage means (i.e. if I really want to leave this marriage I am willing to consider all that it represents in my life, including the physical life we have built together). If she wants to separate, let her sleep in the "guest" room.

 

This may be besides the point for the OP now, but I still wanted to add this.

[bwknight]

She did initially offer to take the downstairs if I wouldn't. At the time there was a reason for her to stay and I was in initial stages of this and trying to be loving and understanding. As they say hindsight is 20/20 and I should have put her in the most uncomfortable position possible. But many things are known now that wasn't then.

[journeynow]

She did initially offer to take the downstairs if I wouldn't. At the time there was a reason for her to stay and I was in initial stages of this and trying to be loving and understanding. As they say hindsight is 20/20 and I should have put her in the most uncomfortable position possible. But many things are known now that wasn't then.

 

Thanks for responding, bwknight. I understand, and I realize that in the initial stages it is confusing to figure out how to proceed, listen, support, or act. And how to balance the big picture with the details.

[bwknight]

And as I've said. She had some valid complaints. So I listened and made efforts to address them. Of course I didn't know the extent of what else was going on with her. Not sure I still do. It gets very complicated with many twists and turns. I know a guy that went through something similar at the same time and he just said, screw it, you want a divorce you got it. I wonder if he wasn't the smart one.

[kbbcoop77]

I just read this thread here’s my 2 cents for what’s it worth..my ex wife and I basically went through the same thing. 24 years together ..2 kids who are grown now..almost 4 years ago she was getting more and more distant, sleeping on the couch, iPhone welded to her hand, very involved in Facebook posts etc...I did the same thing, going through phone records etc..she started leaving on fridays and coming home Sunday nights while I was home all weekend with our 17 year old daughter..finally she came home and I was incensed of course because this was becoming a pattern.

 

She told me she no longer loved me and she was leaving. I was really floored and asked her to reconsider. The next am she swore there was no one else but it was over and she wanted to stay to save money to move out. I said she could stay and was secretly relieved as I was sure she could be convinced to stay...that was a mistake. She kept her behavior the same every weekend and had zero intention of working on us. Finally after the 3rd weekend of her leaving and coming home drunk on Sunday I emailed her that Monday am and told her to pack and leave. It was extremely difficult but there was no way I was going to live like that. She left that same day. I came home early from work and she was packing..I made one last ditch attempt and suggested we could go to counseling..she paused for a few seconds and said “we already talked about this”...so I knew at that moment it was over. I just said “Fine” and walked away and let her pack.

 

Eventually I found there was someone all along and they’re still together. I was foolishly still talking to her for about 8 months but then I learned the truth and what an idiot I had been as the pieces really fell together. Now I’ve been absolute no contact with her since as there’s no point and I wouldn’t take her back anyways there’s too much damage and trust is gone.

 

My point is the longer you stay with your wife in these conditions the longer you put off getting over it and moving on. 60 is not too old to find someone else. I’m 53 and currently talking with a gal I knew from high school days that’s also divorced. Maybe it’ll go somewhere maybe not but it’s a lot more refreshing talking to her than confronting a cheating spouse daily. The stress is too much. Good luck

[bwknight]

Appreciate the input. I have been more patient because of 2 youngest kids ages and Christian beliefs. But I now have support of our church to end it as I've been more than willing to fix issues. I'm not pulling rug out from under young ones during the holiday but will file after the first of the year. I'd have to see a miracle at this point.

[kbbcoop77]

Yeah I understand the kid issue...makes it harder for sure. Sucks big time. Just rely on friends and family and those who care about you.

[bwknight]

Latest is my wife has thus new best friend from one of her chat groups. I've checked her out through phone number on Spokeo. She seems to be who she says she is, but she's paying my wife's airfare to come see her in a couple weeks and they exchanged 300 texts yesterday and on same pace today. I have a feeling if I could read those texts everything would be crystal clear.

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

It is crystal clear.

 

Here is a classic line from a cheater: "We are just friends" If this person had a penis what would you be thinking right now?

 

All the talk she threw at you a few weeks ago was total BS. If she really wanted to work on the marriage and "us" as she said she wouldn't be running off to her "friend"

 

This is what happened in my opinion:

 

She could see that you were about done and ready to pull the trigger on divorce so she threw you a few well placed words and put a little bit of time in being the caring wife until she could see you soften and then she was right back to her fun and games with her "friends".

 

If it isn't this "friend" it will be someone else I am afraid. She has checked out of the emotional side of the marriage and only wants the security part and built in babysitter you provide, oh and the internet connection.

 

So much for waiting for the holiday to be over, she is off to see her gf right in the middle of them. You have tried to do the right thing and she isn't.

 

Time to seriously consider having the paperwork served on her when she returns from her little trip.

 

Lost

[bwknight]

Talked with counselor yesterday. My older kids are so done with her as they see what's going on. I'm hoping to keep my emotions in check through the holidays while gathering all the undeniable proof. I don't believe she will want the details, pictures of her bondage toys, etc. exposed to the family. This puts me in a position to dictate terms. Plan is to serve her with a fair settlement and when she balks confront her with all I have. Even her fall back line of we're separated and I'm free to do what I want will help her from the threat of exposing all her she's been hiding from friends and family. And my response will be we both know that's your fantasy not the truth, and while I've been supporting you and working on becoming a better husband you've basically played me for a fool while you live your double life. Sorry, fantasy over.

[lostandhurt]

Treat it like a job where you put in so much time each day/week working on everything you need. In the end this "proof" is only for her and you know that since it will only help to get her to accept terms but cannot be used in court.

 

You have about a month more of this so ignore EVERYTHING she says and does and keep focusing on what is important. Get all your ducks in a row so you will not have to stress about details.

 

Once you file she will have so many days after being served to respond. Once she responds it moves forward.

 

Why don't you run what your time table and offer will be to her by us or me privately so an impassioned person can take a look at it.

 

Once reality hits her she will change and become bitter that you are ruining her life. Of course she did all this herself but you will be ruining her fantasy. Be prepared for her to say and do things you never thought possible.

 

Lost

[Mikey383]

Wish u luck my friend.... I had a mountain of evidence and it helped....it sure did..

[bwknight]

Yes, the evidence and threat of using it is for leverage only. We're a no-fault state. She will not want evidence disclosed to family and friends, especially church friends. We've spent over 20 years together and given me wonderful and supportive kids. My goal is to be fair but hers won't be. The proof will keep her in check. The panic on her part is that I supply 90 percent of income. Do while fair will allow us to survive, gone are the vacations, generous birthdays and big Christmas's. She works part time now and complains it's too many hours. I've allowed her not to work full time, or at all, during the marriage. I doubt one of her fantasy guys is going to pick up the slack for her. Their wives would probably frown on that

[bwknight]

What's the expression, revenge is a dish best served cold.

[journeynow]

I've allowed her not to work full time, or at all, during the marriage.

 

Do you mean your income has allowed her not to work full time, or at all, during the marriage? Was this freedom before children, or was it part of child-raising/child-care, and so came with responsibilities and activities?

 

I had to go back to the opening post and check. You have 4 children.

We have 4 kids 7-18.

 

Raising 4 kids is full-time work. Kids don't exactly raise themselves.

[bwknight]

She has chosen to work, or not work. Has changed careers about 10 times. Kids are in school all day. We share equally in raising our kids. While I've had shortcomings as a husband nobody disputes that I'm an involved dad.

[bwknight]

And the last few months I've become the primary parent. She chooses to lock herself in her room and do online and video sex stuff with people.

[journeynow]

She has chosen to work, or not work. Has changed careers about 10 times. Kids are in school all day. We share equally in raising our kids. While I've had shortcomings as a husband nobody disputes that I'm an involved dad.

 

Kids are in school all day? Even preschool up until full-time school? You both get them to school and back and to recreational activities, shop for their clothing and school supplies, planning meals, delegating chores? I'm not disputing your involvement, but wonder what the big picture is over the course of 20 years. Your wording that you "allow her" made me wonder about the type of partnership you've had all along. I get it, though, your frustration if she has used your financial support to play around in different careers. Not condoning her current behavior at all. It's tricky territory you are in, trying to find a healthy approach to a better future for everyone.

[bwknight]

Yes, we have shared all those things as my job allows me a lot of freedom. She never stays in a job long. Her boss always becomes unreasonable or stupid. She struggles with authority. So she's changed direction always with my support.