Separation/Divorce after 20 Years

[bwknight]

Agreed waffle. Ending a 20 year marriage to someone I have loved longer and more than any woman in my life doesn't feel like a win, no matter the reason.

[bwknight]

She knows I've discovered some of the toys that have arrived but she doesn't know I've seen the new ones. Bondage type gags and jeweled butt plugs. She confessed to chatting with a guy about this weeks and it was interesting to her because of her problem with being controlled. I've seen no evidence of it leaving the house but she still locks herself in her room for hours. I suspect she is allowing this guy to tell her what to do and she either is sharing videos or pictures with him. We have appointment with counselor on Tuesday and I plan on dropping this on her, but it's all I can do not to say "what the " every time I see her. It's now been suggested to me by professionals that she's either dealing with an addiction or a mental health issue, or both. Her boss told me he has seen some behavior he's concerned about and plans to have a no holds barred conversation with her. He's a pastoral counselor where she works. I don't know this woman anymore.

[Jeffbobo]

It'll be interesting to see what comes out of the counseling session or if she actually shows up at all. I know pulling the trigger when you've had enough and crossing over into the unknown is tough but you know that breaking point when enough is enough. I personally can't stay in limbo for a prolonged period of time. I'm either all in or out. Hopefully talking to counselors will help guide you in the right direction. Good luck Tuesday.

[Mikey383]

She knows I've discovered some of the toys that have arrived but she doesn't know I've seen the new ones. Bondage type gags and jeweled butt plugs. She confessed to chatting with a guy about this weeks and it was interesting to her because of her problem with being controlled. I've seen no evidence of it leaving the house but she still locks herself in her room for hours. I suspect she is allowing this guy to tell her what to do and she either is sharing videos or pictures with him. We have appointment with counselor on Tuesday and I plan on dropping this on her, but it's all I can do not to say "what the " every time I see her. It's now been suggested to me by professionals that she's either dealing with an addiction or a mental health issue, or both. Her boss told me he has seen some behavior he's concerned about and plans to have a no holds barred conversation with her. He's a pastoral counselor where she works. I don't know this woman anymore.

 

Which ever you see this...And I understand you had an affair long time ago and changed yourself....Still I say, she is having a some sort of an affair....You either fix this between the two of you, or get the divorce...But both of you have to be in effort mode....No effort, will solve nothing...

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

Good luck on Tuesday. I am not so sure she will skip this one. The arrogance the dysfunction causes can be amazing and hard to wrap your head around. I sat next to the woman I had known 20 years listening to lie after lie and a fabricated story to make what she was doing normal and perfectly okay. At least in her head... That is when I knew it was over and the woman I once knew was long gone, replaced by this new person that only looked like my wife.

 

I too and many friends and family were convinced she was on drugs or having some sort of breakdown. It was easier to blame drugs or this loser she was with than to accept that she had chose to do this and betray the love and trust we had shared for all those years. Acceptance can be hard but when it happens it gives you a sort of freedom.

 

Let us know how the appointment goes.

 

Best wishes

 

Lost

[bwknight]

Thanks Lost. I'm hopeful of just getting answers this week.

[bwknight]

Complete denial with her boss and now just angry. Doubtful she will go to our counseling appt. tomorrow. If she doesn't I'm confronting her with all the facts I know. Time to speak honestly instead of hiding in the shadows.

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

That may not be a good idea. What you are seeking is the truth and honesty and what you will get is more of the same and you will end up angry and frustrated.

 

Deep down you know the marriage is over but there is a sliver of hope inside you that this thing can be turned around. I believe there still may be a tiny sliver of hope left but confronting her straight on will not help that chance grow, in fact it will have the opposite affect.

Right now her world/life is pretty safe. She has you and the kids and the house and her boyfriend or boyfriends and fantasy attention she so desperately wants. If you attack that head on she will double down and it will strengthen her thoughts and only prove to her that you are the gad guy in all this.

 

I propose that you stay silent (not easy I know) and consult your lawyer again on filing for legal separation or possibly divorce. Reality has a way of forcing people to take a long hard look at their actions. This thing is headed towards divorce anyways so this is no bluff but it may bring her to the table.

 

It is really easy to want your pound of flesh after all the crap she has put you through and yes it feels good for a short while to throw the proof you have in her face but in the long run it usually accomplishes nothing but anger and frustration.

 

Now if you are sure you want to divorce her your best bet is to let her continue to live in the fantasy and while she is distracted go about the business of divorce.

 

Be honest, do you still have some hope of saving your marriage? or are you at that place where divorce is your last option?

 

Lost

[bwknight]

Thanks for the advice Lost. She did go to counselor with me and basically spewed her venom all over me. When asked what she wanted she said the same thing I wanted 4 months ago. He then asked then why aren't you divorced. Caught her off guard. Response was kids, possible cancer issue, financial, etc. It was her taking the opportunity to make sure he knew my . He already did as I have been totally transparent with him. At the end she said she had said her peace and wouldn't return and left. As I was writing check he said she's very angry and defensive. This isn't all about you. There's behavior issues here. I did not confront her with bondage sex toys. You're right Lost. It would have had no affect as she repeated she's single. I have offered to file divorce but she again has asked me to wait until medical issue is clear (and she says I'm manipulative). So processing right now and I see counselor again Thursday afternoon.

[Mikey383]

I understand that medical issues are a huge piece of the pie here, but at the end of the day you have to look out for yourself and what is good for you and your kids.... Kids are resilient, but also do you want to raise them in a dissfunctional home? And sounds to me as if you are being manipulated here also....What's a better solution? Either way it seems as a dead end....Do what is healthy.... I dated someone that did not heal from her previous marriage...Neither did her kids....All that unhealthy stuff spewed over into our relationship... The kids had huge daddy issues....She was divorced for 9 years and searching for some unrealistic life....Thus no man wanted to commit, or was driven off....I don't know how I survived 2.5 years with her, but there was a lot of unsolved prior divorce stuff that she carried with her like luggage...So do what is right, so you can move on.... Your wife is sort of like a dumper that comes back for seconds, just to prevent you from moving on.... Eventually you will suffer....Or see the writing on the wall now...

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

I know it may seem like I am being a know it all here but I have lived this and been on this forum long enough and heard so many stories that go down the same way with different actors that it becomes easy to see the possible future. By no means should you follow anything I say because of this, just know that you are not alone and this happens more frequently than you could ever imagine. The Walk Away Spouse Syndrome is very real and pretty predictable.

 

I would suggest you speak to your lawyer about how long this particular divorce will take. Blackmailing you or holding you hostage with her possible cancer diagnosis is pretty sad while she spends her free time on her web cam performing sexual acts for her online boyfriends.

 

Her medical coverage should stay intact until the divorce is final which takes months and months so keep that in mind.

 

For your sanity and your children's well being perhaps a legal separation should be considered. This could have legal consequences so talk to your lawyer.

 

Personally if I were you I would pull the trigger right now on the divorce and get the ball rolling. You both can stay in the house until the day it is final, you can support her through her illness and both of you can help the kids get used to the idea of the family breaking up. The children need to know that they will be okay, that they are still loved and that none of this had anything to do with them and they in no way caused the divorce. Kids get scarred by divorce for sure but the scars fade with love, security and at least one solid parent in their lives they can count on.

 

I see no good reason to wait but if you choose to wait you should have some sort of plan on when you will file so you can work towards that date and goal. When that is set in your mind all the crap she says and does will not matter any longer as it will effectively be over and you are just waiting...

 

The tests should be done soon right? I am assuming they took a punch biopsy of the cells they are worried about.

 

I am sorry Knight, when you first landed here I had a sinking feeling. I hate to see this happen again...

 

There are a few things I can tell you for sure.

 

You will be more than just okay when all this is said and done.

Your children will be closer to you than you ever imagined.

You will be happier than you thought you would be.

There will be a lifting off your shoulders you didn't even know was there.

You will have a happy life.

 

Lost

[bwknight]

I appreciate the advice you've given Lost. I saw Counselor on Thursday and he's at a loss for her extreme anger. Suspects there are different pieces to it. Holding onto some things I've done over the years while also deflecting her guilt towards me. She's completely immersed herself into these chat rooms and suspects she's completely addicted to the attention, etc. she's getting there. That part of her personality is popping out all over the place. She stopped smoking 20 years ago but is hooked on that again too, even with a possible cancer diagnosis hanging over her. I've just removed myself from her and focusing on me and kids.

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

The anger comes from what you represent. You are raining on her parade as it were. You are the reality, the thing that makes her feel guilty, the thing that ties her to reality and day to day life and she resents you for it and aims her anger towards the one person she can. That is you. If you totally agreed to her terms she would be less angry but in time she would still place all the blame on you for her unhappiness.

 

I strongly advise you to read this thread. It has a great many pages but a great many stories which will help you understand your soon to be ex wife and her actions and reactions. The motives don't matter as much as you getting some knowledge so you can be prepared when she does something. Once divorced you will have legal separation but that doesn't mean what she does and the buttons she will try and push will end. Read this thread

 

You are now journeying down a path many have taken, with knowledge your path will lead to a happy and content life. Learn from our mistakes and ignorance Knight and the time it takes you to get where you want to be will be shorter and easier.

 

Lost

[bwknight]

In reading through the thread above Lost it became quite apparent I never stood a chance. Her behavior is classic walk away and don't see many examples of wife's waking up and coming to their senses. Interesting how much they complain about the years wasted when we spend months or years truly wasting our efforts.

[lostandhurt]

My friend Benga waited years. You will get to his story soon enough. What his wife did was truly dysfunctional. His story and Nicks have different endings than mine but I don't won't to ruin the ending by telling you what happened. Keep reading and you will glean all kinds of insights that will help you through all this.

 

When you first landed here and I read your story I knew the odds were against you but I had hope. Of course simply telling you to give up right away would fall on deaf ears as it would have on me if I had been smart enough to find this place sooner in my journey. This is something you have to discover on your own so acceptance can come to you. It is extremely hard to see the woman you have loved and cherished for 20 years act and say the things they do with a cold heart towards you. It takes time to truly accept that this is real, it isn't some rough patch or middle aged phase that can be worked out but a dysfunctional view of their lives and actions.

 

You have not wasted any time and have used your time very wisely and it was well worth the effort so forget all about having negative thoughts about time and effort. You have tried your best and when this is over you and your children can know for sure that you gave it your best shot.

 

This is no longer about trying to understand anything, it is now all about the business of divorce.

 

Keep reading the thread and continue to post, this is a long way from being over...

 

Lost

[bwknight]

So I now know she's in a physical bondage/domination type affair. Do I confront her does it even matter. I just want to let her know that I'm not stupid and know.

[lostandhurt]

Knight,

 

Does it matter what she thinks of you? You know you are not stupid and naïve right?

 

If you confront her it will ruin her fantasy and she will become angry and defensive. If you allow her to keep thinking she has everyone fooled and is happy she will be easier to deal with. Who would you rather deal with while you are in the process of divorcing her?

 

This is where you have to put aside your desire to shine a light on all the wrong she has and is doing and play the long game. Will it feel good to bust her? Of course but it will be short lived with lasting negative impact on what you really want. I am assuming you want a clean break from her, your children not to hurt by the divorce and not financially ruined.

 

You are getting divorced not trying to teach her a lesson so try and remember that. Life will teach her all the lessons she needs to learn soon enough and you can sit back with your solid and fair divorce decree and watch as the wheels fall off her fantasy.

 

It is time to file for divorce Knight. The possible cancer diagnosis doesn't seem to bother her so why should it bother you?

 

Gather some solid evidence like we discussed privately so if it becomes a he said she said thing and you need to prove you were the good guy in all this to family or friends for some reason you can have it in hand. It also helps later on if she tries to drag you back to court. If she thinks you have evidence that will ruin her reputation she is less likely to try anything. Stay silent and get whatever you think you need as far as proof and then sit on it.

 

It isn't easy to sit back and tolerate this I know as I have been in your shoes but luckily I stayed calm and took the high road (mostly) and it paid off huge for me and it will more than likely for you too.

 

Time to meet the lawyer again and prepare to file. Do not wait any longer for ANY reason, anymore delay only hurts you and your children.

 

Lost

[Mikey383]

Knight,

 

Does it matter what she thinks of you? You know you are not stupid and naïve right?

 

If you confront her it will ruin her fantasy and she will become angry and defensive. If you allow her to keep thinking she has everyone fooled and is happy she will be easier to deal with. Who would you rather deal with while you are in the process of divorcing her?

 

This is where you have to put aside your desire to shine a light on all the wrong she has and is doing and play the long game. Will it feel good to bust her? Of course but it will be short lived with lasting negative impact on what you really want. I am assuming you want a clean break from her, your children not to hurt by the divorce and not financially ruined.

 

You are getting divorced not trying to teach her a lesson so try and remember that. Life will teach her all the lessons she needs to learn soon enough and you can sit back with your solid and fair divorce decree and watch as the wheels fall off her fantasy.

 

It is time to file for divorce Knight. The possible cancer diagnosis doesn't seem to bother her so why should it bother you?

 

Gather some solid evidence like we discussed privately so if it becomes a he said she said thing and you need to prove you were the good guy in all this to family or friends for some reason you can have it in hand. It also helps later on if she tries to drag you back to court. If she thinks you have evidence that will ruin her reputation she is less likely to try anything. Stay silent and get whatever you think you need as far as proof and then sit on it.

 

It isn't easy to sit back and tolerate this I know as I have been in your shoes but luckily I stayed calm and took the high road (mostly) and it paid off huge for me and it will more than likely for you too.

 

Time to meet the lawyer again and prepare to file. Do not wait any longer for ANY reason, anymore delay only hurts you and your children.

 

Lost

 

Totally agree with LOST....

You have to take control of this situation...

Do not allow her to control it, or give you medical excuses.

And let her have her fantasies...

Like LOST said... Life will teach her....

Its is called KARMA....and KARMA is a b***h.....

[bwknight]

Lost, I'm sending you a private message

[ayeh422]

i think often when things suddenly aren’t going well the immediate reaction is to pull back or protect ourselves but that is often the opposite of what’s needed to keep it together. it must be hard but it might be useful to see her current state as more of a passing phase than take it so seriously, and in the meantime keep loving her and think about how to rekindle that romance and passion. it sounds to me like she is making a plea for getting the romance and passion back rather than truly wanting to leave. Don’t reason with her, make her feel the love again by loving her. interpret all these things as pleas for love and it will be easier to hear without it feeling so threatening.

i found tony robbins case studies on relationships to be quite helpful for me. you can look them up and watch some. they are on youtube

 

 

[wilyone 11]

i think often when things suddenly aren’t going well the immediate reaction is to pull back or protect ourselves but that is often the opposite of what’s needed to keep it together. it must be hard but it might be useful to see her current state as more of a passing phase than take it so seriously, and in the meantime keep loving her and think about how to rekindle that romance and passion. it sounds to me like she is making a plea for getting the romance and passion back rather than truly wanting to leave. Don’t reason with her, make her feel the love again by loving her. interpret all these things as pleas for love and it will be easier to hear without it feeling so threatening.

i found tony robbins case studies on relationships to be quite helpful for me. you can look them up and watch some. they are on youtube

 

]

 

The problem with that approach is that women don't feel passion for guys who are doormats. She's been treating him like total crap. If he not only accepts this treatment but rewards her with romance and love, it sends the message that he doesn't respect himself and values her more than himself.

[MadameRed]

It seems very obvious she's exploring the single life while she's still with you. That's depressing. Only you know what can be done. With a marriage this long and with kids on top of that is hard to advice on what to do because there will be no right answer.

[TheBroomehilda]

I see the original post is from sept. So things may have changed. As a woman, I can say that this scenario is genderless. She is not being faithful. I know it hurts to hear. There is a book called The Script. Very good book. Your wife is using the script, intentionally or not. A person does not “decide” and complain about a lifeless marriage, and send you to the basement. She very well be trying to figure some things out but trust me, she has made some giant, decisive leaps already. Just because it happened to me doesn’t mean it happens to everybody BUT. Read the book. It will clarify. Tough words to hear, I know. Be kind. Be a decent person. But that doesn’t mean becoming a doormat and a romantic fool even though most women love that. She put you in the cellar. Remember that. Just be kind. At the same time, research truth. Not sure of your faith but ask God to expose. He will. It took a whole year in my case but it was exposed so perfectly that nothing could be disputed. I pray this for you once you have TRUTH, you can decide what to do about your marriage. Until then you are stumbling around in the dark, right?. I’m sorry this is happening to you, as so many of us know how you feel.

[bwknight]

Thanks Broom. I haven't received much feedback from female perspective. I appreciate it.

[bwknight]

The most perplexing thing Broom is this. She's not been a dishonest person. She is still looking me in the eyes and saying she's not seeing anyone, even with overwhelming evidence against her. If she wants out of the marriage why not just fess up? So either it's the most remarkable set of coincidences in the history of mankind or she's lying. I just don't get that.