Why are guys incapable of just being friends?

[RandomVlogger]

Firstly, yes I'm a guy and it's only a generalization.

 

I find sometimes it's impossible or very unlikely that a guy won't develop feelings for a girl if they continue to spend time together. Of course, given there has to be attraction or potential attraction and I know this doesn't just apply to guys. I've recently met a new colleague at work, I'm already in a relationship but I spend sometimes 3-4 hours a day with this colleague (for work purpose reasons) but in that time, we get along, joke and talk about our lives etc. Sometimes I question whether it gets a bit flirtatious at times but to begin with, I didn't think anything of it but the more we spend time together, the more I find myself reconsidering and thinking about if's and but's. Now I know this is only natural, but why is it that unless they're either not attractive to me or completely not my type that I begin to develop these feelings?

 

This happened to me a few years back, I started spending time with someone and eventually ended up falling for them, and leaving my girlfriend in the process. I don't want to ruin A, a relationship and B, a working relationship I have with a colleague but I'm intrigued to know if anyone has any input or suggestions.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Seraphim]

My husband is friends with many women. But just friends. He is not attracted at all.

[RandomVlogger]

My husband is friends with many women. But just friends. He is not attracted at all.

 

Like I said, it's a generalization that generally speaking, men can't just be friends. How do you know he's not attracted or does he just have good willpower? Or are they just really not his type? I think being older can play a significant role as well.

[Seraphim]

Like I said, it's a generalization that generally speaking, men can't just be friends. How do you know he's not attracted or does he just have good willpower? Or are they just really not his type? I think being older can play a significant role as well.

 

Because he loves me. And isn't interested in other women.

[RandomVlogger]

Because he loves me. And isn't interested in other women.

 

My point is you can love someone but still feel attracted to the way another person, it doesn't mean he has to be interested in them or want to make a move. I'm not a believer in only having eyes for a single person, to me that's just not human. Even like a celebrity crush or whatever.

[Seraphim]

My point is you can love someone but still feel attracted to the way another person, it doesn't mean he has to be interested in them or want to make a move. I'm not a believer in only having eyes for a single person, to me that's just not human. Even like a celebrity crush or whatever.

 

Finding someone attractive and BEING ATTRACTED are not the same thing though. See what I mean? You can totally think someone is attractive and have zero interest.

[RandomVlogger]

You can totally think someone is attractive and have zero interest.

 

For me it goes deeper than that, because if you were single, you'd probably act on it so is to find not to feel and therefore be? However there are several reasons why in this case he wouldn't, for example fear of losing a person he's already with or even an unrealistic prospect (maybe the person is much younger or they're already in a relationship) to name a few. For me personally and this is just my opinion but unless you share the same brain cells as a person, you'll never know what truly goes on in their mind (guys more so) even if they tell you something else.

[Seraphim]

For me it goes deeper than that, because if you were single, you'd probably act on it so is to find not to feel and therefore be? However there are several reasons why in this case he wouldn't, for example fear of losing a person he's already with or even an unrealistic prospect (maybe the person is much younger or they're already in a relationship) to name a few. For me personally and this is just my opinion but unless you share the same brain cells as a person, you'll never know what truly goes on in their mind (guys more so) even if they tell you something else.

Well, we have been together 28 years. I know him pretty well. We have had almost every thing that can happen to a couple thrown at us and we're still together. I'm pretty sure he's not having secret hankerings for co workers.

[1a1a]

My ex never stopped being attracted to me but he has me firmly in the friend zone and we work well as friends (dating not so good). He's made a decision in his mind that he'd rather have me as a friend than lover and lives by it. Can you do that? (And if you're genuinely attracted to this woman then it's time to examine your current relationship and work out what's missing/see if it can be incorporated)

[thealchemist]

I have several girls as friends. I'm totally crazy about my wife. A lot of our conversations are about my wife and kids. Some of the woman are very attractive, physically and personality wise. It isn't even an issue though.

 

Also, when I was younger if I ever thought I might be developing ANY non platonic feelings I would back off from my interactions. Just to be safe. You can't really control how you feel, but you can control what you do. If I had to work with them I just backed off any non work based socializing.

 

Only once did I ever have to pretty much ignore a girl I worked with. Way too much chemistry to interact with her. Heard from a few work colleagues she thought we had super high chemistry too. I pretty much stopped any non work based interactions. She might have thought I was a little rude or something but I don't really care. I felt quite justified when, knowing I was married, she started trying to hang out a lot more with me. I saw her as a potential threat to my relationship so I cut her out.

 

If your relationship is important to you then you won't let someone get in between you two. Being aware is they key. Don't let someone sneak in between you two.

[boltnrun]

My cousin had a wonderful girlfriend who he'd been with for a number of years. Family all met her and loved her.

 

One day, another friend mentioned he knew a young woman who'd gotten out of a relationship and was looking to rent a room for her and her child. My cousin had a spare room, so he rented it to this young woman.

 

Today he's married to the former roommate and they have three children. Original girlfriend is long gone.

 

I also know of a couple of people who actually MARRIED the person who was taken into their family as a foster child.

 

I do believe proximity and hormones will do their thing.

 

And I like thealchemist's post...he saw that someone was a potential threat to his cherished relationship so he stepped away.

 

I do NOT believe that when you're in love your hormones are turned only toward the person you're in a relationship with. It's nature. Our ability to reason and our morals are what stop us from acting on those attractions, imo.

 

And BTW, it's not just men. If it was, the women involved wouldn't respond but obviously some of them do.

[Batya33]

My husband is friends with many women. But just friends. He is not attracted at all.

 

Same situation here and nothing to do with age -I've known him over 20 years (we are now in our early 50s) and he's always had female friends, I've always had male friends. I'm not concerned and he has no reason to be concerned about me. And yes I notice when someone is attractive- I'm sure he does as well.

[RandomVlogger]

 

I do NOT believe that when you're in love your hormones are turned only toward the person you're in a relationship with. It's nature. Our ability to reason and our morals are what stop us from acting on those attractions, imo.

 

And BTW, it's not just men. If it was, the women involved wouldn't respond but obviously some of them do.

 

^^This

 

This is exactly the point I was trying to make to Seraphim. To say a person only has eyes for one person for me is utter rubbish and as you say, only our morals stopping us from acting on it.

[RandomVlogger]

Also, when I was younger if I ever thought I might be developing ANY non platonic feelings I would back off from my interactions. Just to be safe. You can't really control how you feel, but you can control what you do.

 

It's a very valid point and one taken, but why is it we can't just be friends without developing any feelings? I'm a heterosexual male, and if I hang out with another guy that I like I just think they're a cool person but an attractive looking woman and I fall for them. Sometimes I don't initially fall for them, but I get to know them more and then fall for them.

[thealchemist]

It's a very valid point and one taken, but why is it we can't just be friends without developing any feelings? I'm a heterosexual male, and if I hang out with another guy that I like I just think they're a cool person but an attractive looking woman and I fall for them. Sometimes I don't initially fall for them, but I get to know them more and then fall for them.

I don't really know why. For myself at least I can say I'm friends with some pretty attractive girls but it is irrelevant because of how much I love my wife and our relationship. If you are having these issues maybe spent more quality time with your SO.

 

I turned 30 this month. I haven't had any kind of issue like that in a lot time. Maybe you aren't in a place in your life where you are capable of being 100% committed. I dont know your age but that isn't always a great indicated though.

[boltnrun]

Simple biology.

 

We're supposed to procreate to ensure survival of the species. Men are biologically programmed to spread their seed.

 

However, we also have morals (hopefully). And those are what should stop us from banging anyone we find attractive.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn't say that people who are not interested in chasing everything in a skirt or pair of pants are abnormal. It also doesn't mean we don't admire beauty. I see beauty in many people male and female. For instance I saw a woman at dinner the other night I thought was gorgeous. Was I attracted? Were my morals holding me back? No. Just thought she was beautiful. My husband didn't even look up or notice her . If he had would his morals hold him back? Nah. He is simply interested in me as his partner for his whole entire life since he has been 20 years old and he is now 48.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP,

 

I tend to find this is true of the women (temporarily) in my life - not me. Wonder if it works both ways, or if it's a quirk of the two of us that we see this more often than others do?

[RandomVlogger]

I wouldn't say that people who are not interested in chasing everything in a skirt or pair of pants are abnormal. It also doesn't mean we don't admire beauty. I see beauty in many people male and female. For instance I saw a woman at dinner the other night I thought was gorgeous. Was I attracted? Were my morals holding me back? No. Just thought she was beautiful. My husband didn't even look up or notice her . If he had would his morals hold him back? Nah. He is simply interested in me as his partner for his whole entire life since he has been 20 years old and he is now 48.

 

I do take your point and I understand what you're saying and of course for your sake, I hope what you're saying it true however, there's a few points I want to address. Firstly unless you're bisexual, I doubt you would have been attracted. I can see beauty in both genders, one of which I never feel to act upon because there's never an attraction. Secondly is as a male, I constantly walk down the street and have to turn my head every time a good looking woman passes me by, not like a sex pest or whatever but it's just instinctive. When I'm with my other half however, I make a point of doing it less or not even at all, perhaps subtly if I can as I don't want to make her feel bad or be caught in the act. How do you know your husband doesn't do the same? I'm assuming you're not together on a 24/7 basis, perhaps most of it but when he's out with his guy friends drinking a little, how do you know it's not crossed his mind then? I'm not suggesting by any means considered having an affair but just feel an attraction to a person when out.

How do you know sexually he doesn't think about the thought of experiencing other people if you've been tied down for so long?

[Seraphim]

I do take your point and I understand what you're saying and of course for your sake, I hope what you're saying it true however, there's a few points I want to address. Firstly unless you're bisexual, I doubt you would have been attracted. I can see beauty in both genders, one of which I never feel to act upon because there's never an attraction. Secondly is as a male, I constantly walk down the street and have to turn my head every time a good looking woman passes me by, not like a sex pest or whatever but it's just instinctive. When I'm with my other half however, I make a point of doing it less or not even at all, perhaps subtly if I can as I don't want to make her feel bad or be caught in the act. How do you know your husband doesn't do the same? I'm assuming you're not together on a 24/7 basis, perhaps most of it but when he's out with his guy friends drinking a little, how do you know it's not crossed his mind then? I'm not suggesting by any means considered having an affair but just feel an attraction to a person when out.

How do you know sexually he doesn't think about the thought of experiencing other people if you've been tied down for so long?

 

He doesn't drink at all and seldom goes out with guy friends. I am sure he does look on occasion. I don't care and it doesn't bother me because I trust him . We talk about anything and everything under the sun nothing is taboo for us to talk about . But I really doubt he's having or even entertaining thoughts of relationships that are without me. That's just not who he is or not how he was raised . His parents have been married almost 60 years . Nobody in his family has ever divorced ,ever .

 

Even as a military man he's just not the drunken rebellrousing wandering type. He's pretty much a homebody .

[RandomVlogger]

OP,

 

I tend to find this is true of the women (temporarily) in my life - not me. Wonder if it works both ways, or if it's a quirk of the two of us that we see this more often than others do?

 

Maybe it's a personality thing? I consider myself to be quite an open person who invites conversation, perhaps it can be taken in the wrong which then leads to my own downfall.

 

I'm curious to know what star sign you are, I'm a Scorpio but I was looking into my horoscope in terms of the relationship/sexual elements. Here's something I picked out:

 

It’s dangerously easy to fall madly in love with this star sign. It's much harder, however, to get a Scorpio to fall in love with you.

 

I'm not a great believer in them, but often I will read things that I feel are true. If so, perhaps as thealchemist said that it's a case of not being 100% ready or committed.

[itsallgrand]

I do think some of it comes down to personality. I think some people's general temperament is more prone than others to just go with the flow of the attractions that come their way. I don't even think it's really a sex drive thing. Some people with very high sex drives don't develop feelings easily even if there is attraction to all kinds of people. And some people with high sex drives are deeply loyal. On the other hand, I've seen plenty of people with low sex drives who tend to fall into feelings so easily with nearly any one who they find attractive and they get along with.

 

I think if a particular person really can't be friends to anyone who could be a potential mate, it's really more about that person than biology or gender. Could be a tendency to carry one self away on lust, or a fondness for the new, or maybe they aren't all that monogamously geared.

 

Does your lady know you are more of the type to get easily enamoured by other women?

[thealchemist]

Maybe it's a personality thing? I consider myself to be quite an open person who invites conversation, perhaps it can be taken in the wrong which then leads to my own downfall.

 

I'm curious to know what star sign you are, I'm a Scorpio but I was looking into my horoscope in terms of the relationship/sexual elements. Here's something I picked out:

 

It’s dangerously easy to fall madly in love with this star sign. It's much harder, however, to get a Scorpio to fall in love with you.

 

I'm not a great believer in them, but often I will read things that I feel are true. If so, perhaps as thealchemist said that it's a case of not being 100% ready or committed.

 

People have no predeterminations because of when they were born. Using a sign as an excuse for an action is like a retrojustification (sorry for made up words). Ironically I am a Leo and my wife loves reading the horoscope to laugh at how close it is to me. But that is just a random overlap of traits. It means nothing, like I tell her...

 

If I am walking down the street the chances of me turning my head to check out a girl is pretty low. If I do, you can be sure that I am going to give my wife a slight nudge so she sees too. Between the two of us she is the one who would respond with a slow "d*mnnn".

 

If she sees a guy that is attractive enough to constitute her to turn she will be pointing him out to me.

 

I am also an extremely talkative outgoing person. It doesn't ever get me into THAT kind of trouble.

 

My wife is 32 weeks pregnant today. She is getting pretty big, and I can honestly say that I don't really ever have issues viewing woman I see sexually. I am also a very sexually oriented guy. We have sex nearly every day, if not it is every other. Maybe you just aren't getting enough from your current SO.

 

I am a very committed and loyal guy. I think that is the big reason. if you are truly 100% committed, yes, you might glance, or you might have a thought pop up, but that is just human nature. Those alone mean nothing. You have to have a small part of you not content where you are if you start having feelings develop.

 

It might just be a difference in personally or genes that makes me different from you in this. I don't know. But for me, I only behaved the way you described before I found my wife.

[Seraphim]

I don't think it has anything to do with star signs either . I am a Scorpio and I am passionate about just my mate.

[RandomVlogger]

I think if a particular person really can't be friends to anyone who could be a potential mate, it's really more about that person than biology or gender. Could be a tendency to carry one self away on lust, or a fondness for the new, or maybe they aren't all that monogamously geared.

 

Does your lady know you are more of the type to get easily enamoured by other women?

 

Given that this has happened before when I was just friends with someone and we developed feelings, I'm sure she does. I make jokes about it quite a lot, women walking down the street or even good looking girls on the internet, but they're usually harmless with no intent or feelings, much like me turning a head on the street.