Am I the only one saving myself for marriage....?

[petrichors]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a 20 year old female here, and being raised up in a relatively strict Asian family, I've come to believe that virginity is a very important thing to ME. Although I do believe that my family life had lots to do with shaping my morals, I do not feel pressured to believe in what I do not want to believe in. With that said, I support and respect those who think of sex as an activity with a purpose other than procreation - but I value that intimacy on a deep level, so I do not want to let anyone get to know me in that aspect until deemed worthy.

 

I personally think that if I were to be in a serious romantic relationship with someone, I would hope that we could both save ourselves for marriage. However, according to a large portion of society, waiting until marriage is "stupid" because you need to "drive a car before you buy it." Therefore, most would not marry someone without having sex with them beforehand. Although sexual chemistry is important, I feel like that it is always possible to learn and improve yourself for your partner.

 

I am afraid that many of my future relationships may go down the drain just because I won't "give it up." Are any of you guys in the same position as I am?

[mustlovedogs]

What you think isn't stupid. It's just not for me personally. But you'll find a guy who believes the same thing and it'll be fine.

 

Word of caution though. Don't hurry up towards marriage just to have sex.

[Seraphim]

My son believes the same.

 

I did not wait for marriage but my husband and I did wait until 6 months into our relationship for sex.

[DanZee]

Certainly waiting for marriage is the old-fashioned way to do it. But in the old days there were plenty of marriages where one or both parties were unhappy because of their sex lives. In fact, a lot of wives in all cultures tolerated their husbands visiting girlfriends and prostitutes because they couldn't give their husbands what they wanted and divorce wasn't an option. A husband doesn't want to find out on wedding night that the wife is frigid (or vice versa), or that one partner only wants it once a year and the other wants it daily. Sex is very important for building closeness and trust in a relationship, and it brings out aspects in personality that wouldn't come out otherwise. (Such as if one partner is abusive or a partner just doesn't like sex with the other partner.) So you might consider at least having sex when you're engaged just so there's no surprises once the happy time comes. But certainly there are a lot of men and women who just consider it as part of a date.

[cherubrock]

I do agree that sex is important but what about those couples that start out mostly sexually then it's more like a "honeymoon" thing that fizzles out in a year or two..but they got married during that, then they think they aren't "in love" and separate. Just another perspective.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think it stupid at all for someone to wish to wait for a solid relationship with commitment before having sex together.

I didn't wait for marriage, but it was important to me to be with someone in a strong loving relationship. And it did not make dating difficult. It just seperated those who wanted something else out pretty early in dating.

 

Where you lose me is in the emphasis on virginity and marriage. There's too much associated baggage for me with that. Beliefs about women, sex, commitment, love, children, world views. It's just not compatible with me.

I'm sure there are some out there, but I have yet to meet a person who values virginity in such a way who does not have a root belief system in religion. Speaking frankly.

 

I'd encourage you anyway to build an independent life out of your family's nest before marrying. You can avoid a lot of the pitfalls of those who follow your path that way. And I've known plenty who waited until marriage to have sex. They married young and straight from their parents home to a marriage home. And babies soon after ( because there is also the associated belief in not using birth controls).

 

You've got lots of time to figure it all out. Meet and date ( doesn't have to be sex of course!) many kinds of people. To grow and explore as a person. You can make friends with people who have gone down all kinds of roads. Hear so many perspectives. You don't have to have life all figured out at 20 . It's a constant learning curve for everyone.

 

And read. Read read read - the sexual and relational diversity in the world is amazing. It's not all ' either this, or that'. Either wait til marriage or take sex as a totally casual affair.

 

You'll be fine.

[Giblesp]

In Asian culture people have to wait until marriage by law, in the west we can choose.

 

If that's what you choose without anyone telling you what to do, then that is your choice as a free person. That's the foundation of sexuality in the west, the rest is just opinion which all are entitled to have.

 

If someone regards your opinion as stupid, to hell with them. You can do what you want with your sexuality, its your life.

[ThatwasThen]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a 20 year old female here, and being raised up in a relatively strict Asian family, I've come to believe that virginity is a very important thing to ME. Although I do believe that my family life had lots to do with shaping my morals, I do not feel pressured to believe in what I do not want to believe in. With that said, I support and respect those who think of sex as an activity with a purpose other than procreation - but I value that intimacy on a deep level, so I do not want to let anyone get to know me in that aspect until deemed worthy.

 

I personally think that if I were to be in a serious romantic relationship with someone, I would hope that we could both save ourselves for marriage. However, according to a large portion of society, waiting until marriage is "stupid" because you need to "drive a car before you buy it." Therefore, most would not marry someone without having sex with them beforehand. Although sexual chemistry is important, I feel like that it is always possible to learn and improve yourself for your partner.

 

I am afraid that many of my future relationships may go down the drain just because I won't "give it up." Are any of you guys in the same position as I am?

Are you saving intercourse for marriage or are you actually being chaste until marriage?

 

You say "IF I were to be in a serious romantic relationship with someone." Are you saying you've never been in a serious relationship as yet?

[Honeycomb8]

It's easy to say you'd stay a virgin till marriage, but it's a different matter if you've actually had relationships. I lost it to my second serious bf.

Have you had a bf or two before?

[petrichors]

I've been in multiple serious relationships. We've fooled around, but never had intercourse. I'm totally fine with foreplay, but I can't let anyone "in" until we tie the knot.

[petrichors]

Yes, I'm saving intercourse for marriage. I would be comfortable being intimate in other ways though.

[Batya33]

I waited until I was 24 (and in love, and in an LTR) because prior to that I did feel strongly that I wanted to wait for marriage for intercourse. I changed my mind over a period of time and yes, also gave in to some pressure from my then boyfriend (yes, mistake in part). I married at 42 so I am very glad I didn't actually wait and at the same time I kept my list of partners short relative to waiting that long to get married!

[maritalbliss86]

You're not weird to want to wait. We did for religious convictions and it worked out well for us... but I was getting married at 20. It gets harder to remain a virgin the longer you go unmarried if you're actively dating or in relationships.

[maritalbliss86]

And yes, you WILL lose guys who are interested in you because of you not wanting to have sex.

 

This just means that sex was more important to them than having a relationship with you was.

[ThatwasThen]

I've been in multiple serious relationships. We've fooled around, but never had intercourse. I'm totally fine with foreplay, but I can't let anyone "in" until we tie the knot.

Have any of them broken up with you because you wouldn't let them in you? I think if you get into something with someone where its going to last, then he certainly won't mind waiting if you're doing everything else except penetration. People can pretty much figure out how sexual/sensual you are by how passionate you are when making out and how much you are into pleasing your partner.

[KantSleep]

Good luck and do what is right for you. Yeah, some guys may bail, but Mr. Right won't.

[Fudgie]

Sure, some guys won't like it but there are some who feel like you. It's fine. I would look into religious-minded social meetups and the like because you are more likely to meet a religious man who is saving himself than a non-religious man who is.

[wom360]

You're still an ok age to be a virgin. At 25 most men will start assuming you're just not that sexual a person.

[IAmFCA]

If you follow what's right for you, you will weed out the men who aren't and be left with the men who are.

 

Cross that bridge when you get to it.

 

For many, the way they understand sexual behavior changes over time. If you begin to change, it is okay, it isn't a big moral crisis. if you remain committed to an 'everything but' strategy, then that is okay too.

 

I think you will be fine; I would not announce it until it is relevant. I have been in a relationship wherein I knew I was waiting. I said it once, date 3. That was two years ago - more now, and he has never ever come close to suggesting it, though we share a sexual aspect in our relationship.

 

Just be yourself. That's the best any of us can do anyhow.