Online dating, and why it doesn't work well for most men

[csdude55]

We discussed this before, and for some reason people got personal and mean about it. So I have no intention of returning to this thread, but I wanted to share my findings.

 

This may be old news, but I just read that when Ashley Madison was hacked, it was found (and confirmed) that many, if not most, of the women profiles were, in fact, chat bots created by Ashley Madison, in an attempt to trick men in to paying for accounts.

 

When the men discovered it was fake and demanded a refund, Ashley Madison threatened to send the refund information to their home address so their wives and families would see it. So, of course, the men didn't move forward.

 

The then-CEO of Ashley Madison apologized for the hack, but not the chat bots. His words: "bots are widespread in the industry."

 

/

 

So that explains why so many responses to men are fake, and why the providers aren't blocking them... the dating app itself is doing it, on purpose, either in an effort to bolster messages, to fake the number of profiles that exist, or in some cases to trick men in to paying for the service.

 

Maybe you guys already knew about this, but it was news to me.

[DanZee]

I didn't know about the bots, but I do know some generalities about dating sites. Usually, it's mostly men who will pay for a subscription. The number of women will be about half, sometimes even less. That's why the TV ads for these sites usually feature young women talking about how successful they were. A site won't be successful if it's only men using it. And a lot of the subscriptions are by people who are married and they're looking for some excitement and maybe some one-night-stands. Tinder and Grinder seem to be the most successful because it's pretty well know that these are primarily one-night-stand sites, so you've got people looking for the same thing: sex. And they want it now. And you can keep up a lie that you're single for an evening.

 

It's interesting that dating sites are using chat bots to make it look like there are more people on the site. But it just goes to prove that meeting people is really difficult and dating sites are not as popular as they would like to make it look.

[Capttrae]

I just always figured it was because the women didn't like seeing my pics of dead critters, while I personally thought it was showing I could provide food instead of having to go to a grocery store. Now I find out its chat bots!?!?! Guess since computers don't eat that explains a lot

[DanZee]

That's funny.

[TheDMan05]

I've heard about this sort of thing before. Joining a site with the first 6 months free, for example. No interest for the first five months, then, just before the free period ends, you start to get some interest. It's designed to make you pay the subscription fees.

[boltnrun]

Ashley Madison is not a dating site. It's a site for married people to look for affairs.

 

I think using this example is not entirely fair or accurate.

 

Are bots out there? Absolutely. That's why it's important to carefully screen anyone you contact over an online dating site. Talk on the phone and meet in a public place to confirm.

[Hollyj]

Good! I have zero sympathy for people using that site.

[figureitout23]

Ashley Madison isn't a dating website...there's a small population of women who go out looking to get themselves involved with married men, its guaranteed drama, so I'd assume the ratio for men and women was off, thats the only logical conclusion to make. I know, shocking right? Women have standards... I don't see the point of this post... or why you would post it and then announce you weren't going to read the responses... I can't tell if this is a tantrum because people aren't stroking your hair and telling you the big bad dating websites are out to get you or a half a**ed cry for help. Either way, yet again, your argument is flimsy at best. If you don't like dating websites, don't use them. It's really literally that simple.

[tattoobunnie]

I have known over 20 couples that met through a dating site, Match and Eharmony, and are happily married with kids. Just like anything, you can tell if it's a bot. But in most cases, they don't respond to you.

 

You can even pay a company to get you 1000 likes on your facebook page for $10. Bots are everywhere. Plenty of people find love online. Now if your profile is a horror show you will get less responses.

[j.man]

The point has less to do with it being Ashley Madison, but the claim of the practice of bots / fake accounts being more or less an industry standard.

 

The FBI released something like 1 in 10 online dating profiles being fake and something like $50 million annually being attributable to subscriptions following up on activity initiated by a fake account. It stands to reason the bulk of those will be female profiles to serve one of two main purposes. 1) To give the illusion of more available women than there are (there's almost universally a surplus of young men compared to young women) and 2) to give kind of that dash of hope with someone messaging them rather than the reality for most guys online having to write out a few dozen emails a day in the hopes 2 or 3 get back to you. Bottom line is it's a thing and it really is statistically significant enough to take into consideration if you are a guy who's going to try OLD. Don't be a sucker.

 

Simply by virtue of the discrepancy in numbers, it stands to reason guys are gonna have a rougher time with success dating online. That said, I don't really wanna say who has the worse overall experience as I think both sides get their own good and bad problems. Personally, I had a great time with OLD. It helps that I'm a half-decent looking and very fit guy who had, if I do say so myself, a pretty damn funny profile. I actually got to the point of not needing to send out emails as I was getting enough coming in. Definitely not at the level of your average lady on there (thankfully), but typically 2 - 5 new legit women messaging me day, which was fine. I always used OLD as a supplement to real-life rather than depending on it.

 

I also avoided the bot issue by sticking with free sites and employing some common sense in identifying the more obvious cases. Other than that, don't know what to tell dudes. It is what it is. I don't think my experience wasn't really representative of the average guy's, and I'm lucky for that. But, ultimately, if you're simply not enjoying it, then don't do it. And definitely don't make it your sole source of dating opportunities.

[Tygerlyly53]

It doesn't work well for women, either, in some cases. I have had lots of wishy-washy messages from men that rarely lead to an actual meeting. They either disappear after "hello" or suggest meeting and then disappear. I would welcome the occasional bot. They would probably show more interest and be more reliable! Haha

[Stay_home]

When the men discovered it was fake and demanded a refund, Ashley Madison threatened to send the refund information to their home address so their wives and families would see it. So, of course, the men didn't move forward.

 

...If they weren't trying to cheat then they wouldn't have that problem.

[mustlovedogs]

I actually read a different statistic, j.man. I have read that there are slightly more women than men in most major cities in the US.

[Starlight925]

I've done OLD on and off since 2000, one of the first years OLD was invented. I've been on hundreds of dates, I'm currently in a 1 1/2 year relationship from OLD, and I even married one of 'em.

 

So I can tell you, it's not all bots.

 

You're telling me that most of the females are bots? Then how did my current BF get all the dates he had prior to, and up through, me? How did my ex-husband meet the women he met, and married me? How did my prior 2 1/2 year BF meet all his people (we met online)?

 

I will agree with you on this: The sites, I'd say almost all of them, do things to inflate their membership. They put things like "Active Now", or "Online within xxx", etc., to make it seem like there are more people. They make it extremely difficult to remove your own profile, so it appears that you are still there long after you are not. I have a good guy friend, who is in a great relationship that he met on one of the sites, yet his profile is still on 2 of the sites that he was on prior to meeting her. I know for a fact that he hasn't logged on for almost a year.

 

There was even a class action lawsuit against Match about this....google it. Match won. Bigger lawyers.

 

The only thing you can do is try. Or, actually: Do or do not, there is no try.

[Sportster2005]

How do you know it doesn't work for most men? A story about a crooked website isn't conclusive proof that online dating doesn't work for most men. Dating on and offline is difficult. It's only made more difficult when you blame things beyond your control.

 

If you're having failures in dating, own it, and do something about it. It's not the fault of women, it's not the fault of online dating.

[Starlight925]

Also, to quote anything about Ashley Madison is insane. The reason it was all leaked is because hackers knew they had these men by the shorts because they knew they could blackmail them.

 

Yes, the site had a ton of bots, as it was exposed. But that's because the entire premise of Ashley Madison was flawed: it was based on men wanting to cheat, but they needed a key ingredient: women who wanted to be their partner. Most women are looking for a relationship, so most women don't go to Ashley Madison. The only women who want to engage with a married man are usually looking for money, and since most of the men on Ashley Madison are normal men, not men of tremendous means, the site had to create bots to keep the men clicking on profiles.

 

And, men who have money don't need to go to sites like Ashley Madison, because they are usually in circles where attractive women come to them.

 

So, the entire premise of the site was flawed.

[IAmFCA]

Some people choose to feel that life is stacked against them.

 

Some people never notice if it is or if it isn't because they are too busy living.

 

- me

[SherrySher]

Online bots seem like standard business practice for dating sites. I mean, the people running these sites want to make money, right? They need to somehow keep their customers there and how else except to give them hope that someone is interested or might be.

I'm not condoning it, I am only saying strictly business wise I can see why they do it.

[boltnrun]

I signed up for a couple of dating sites and most of the men the sites "matched" me with hadn't even logged on for more than six months. Yet, the site claimed they had "dozens" of matches for me. Um, no, they're not matches if they're not active on the site anymore.

 

So it's not just "bots" posing as women, the sites do inflate their numbers to get you to join.

 

However, it's up to us to weed through the garbage and find the "real" people.