New Guy, First Date, Need Tips!

[JustMizz]

I won't contact him again. I mean it this time, lol. I got my answer and at least I know he made it home Saturday.

[Sportster2005]

I just asked how the rest of his weekend went. No reply. And yes, he was supposed to text me when he got home but never did.

 

Before he left, he thanked me for meeting him and asked if I would like to see him again this coming weekend.

 

I guess I'll just not text again, at least he replied once. Not that it means anything, really.

 

I just can't stand this fading out mess. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me.

 

Let it go. You've put way too much energy into this one already.

 

Maybe this will help. When someone behaves like they aren't into you, they're probably not. There's not much to think about it. You didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't attracted, or was after something you didn't want to give. Don't take it personal. Just move on.

 

it takes some practice to not over think dating. But it can be learned. And one of the first things to learn is you can't solve attraction issues with logic. Attraction doesn't work logically. It's there or it isn't. You can grow it, if it is there, and you can ruin by screwing up. But if it's not there it's not there. Acceptance brings peace and allows you to move on.

[katrina1980]

Let it go. You've put way too much energy into this one already.

 

Maybe this will help. When someone behaves like they aren't into you, they're probably not. There's not much to think about it. You didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't attracted, or was after something you didn't want to give. Don't take it personal. Just move on.

 

it takes some practice to not over think dating. But it can be learned. And one of the first things to learn is you can't solve attraction issues with logic. Attraction doesn't work logically. It's there or it isn't. You can grow it, if it is there, and you can ruin by screwing up. But if it's not there it's not there.

 

Acceptance brings peace and allows you to move on.

 

This^. Cut and paste it to your fridge if you have to, or keep by your bedside.

 

As you continue meeting these guys and dating, refer back.

[Batya33]

I just asked how the rest of his weekend went. No reply. And yes, he was supposed to text me when he got home but never did.

 

Before he left, he thanked me for meeting him and asked if I would like to see him again this coming weekend.

 

I guess I'll just not text again, at least he replied once. Not that it means anything, really.

 

I just can't stand this fading out mess. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me.

 

But he's not fading out. After one meet, silence =lack of interest in another date. No obligation whatsoever to text "you are amazing and I don't think we're a match, best of luck" - He is allowed to simply choose not to ask you out again after reflecting on the date. Nothing personal. You initiated a vague "conversation" - you typed a few words, you didn't ask him out - you didn't call, you texted. So now you have your answer, again, that he is not interested (or not sufficiently interested) in seeing you again.

[JustMizz]

I suppose I just expect too much out of people. I believe it is common courtesy to be honest with someone and not just stop talking to them.

 

Maybe I'm too old fashioned for online dating. I just don't get it.

[JaggerJim]

I text this morning and just asked, "So, what's up?". (I know!!)

 

He replied, " Nothing".

 

I guess I'll attempt a casual convo and not bring up the fact I felt he was ignoring me and see what happens.

 

This is disastrous. Just don't text him again

[JustMizz]

This is disastrous. Just don't text him again

 

I'm not going to😔

[boltnrun]

I'm curious, why couldn't you stop yourself from texting him?

 

Do you have anxiety? I mean, the kind that makes you NEED to KNOW, NOW!!!!...??

 

You couldn't wait a few days to see if he contacted you?

[JustMizz]

I'm curious, why couldn't you stop yourself from texting him?

 

Do you have anxiety? I mean, the kind that makes you NEED to KNOW, NOW!!!!...??

 

You couldn't wait a few days to see if he contacted you?

 

I do have anxiety, but it wasn't that bad. I didn't see why it was so bad to text him this morning. I really don't get why it's wrong for a woman to show interest. I honestly do not understand all of this dating game mess.

[boltnrun]

I do have anxiety, but it wasn't that bad. I didn't see why it was so bad to text him this morning. I really don't get why it's wrong for a woman to show interest. I honestly do not understand all of this dating game mess.

 

Well, because you said this time you were going to be patient, let him contact you and then go from there. But you texted him anyway.

 

You already did "show interest" by going on a date with him. The ball was left in his court but you kind of grabbed it back.

 

So where does this leave you? You say again you won't text him but what if you keep thinking and thinking and decide you "need" an answer from him???

[JustMizz]

I know I said it before, but I seriously mean it this time. I have no interest in texting him again. I've read everything that was said here, and I'm honestly feeling rather disrespected by him now.

 

Y'all might think it's acceptable to not contact someone after a date, but I don't. Like I said, he did text me so I know he made it home.

[boltnrun]

I know I said it before, but I seriously mean it this time. I have no interest in texting him again. I've read everything that was said here, and I'm honestly feeling rather disrespected by him now.

 

Y'all might think it's acceptable to not contact someone after a date, but I don't. Like I said, he did text me so I know he made it home.

 

But you really have no idea if he was going to contact you or not. You seem to decide on an arbitrary time frame within which men are supposed to contact after a date. You were already "disappointed" the very night you went out with him because he didn't text you. That's not giving him much time.

 

Others are not always going to be on our time frames. Maybe he read on a forum somewhere that you should let a few days go by so as to not seem too eager. Or maybe he was legit busy and planned to contact you mid-week for a weekend date. Or maybe neither of these scenarios is accurate. But I think you're setting up these expectations and then getting upset and anxious when they don't play out the way you expect them to.

 

I would suggest if you plan to continue online dating that you discard the set time frames you have in your mind and learn that others have different ideas and expectations. I think you can find someone on the same page as you, but not everyone will be on the exact same page. They might at least be on the same chapter, which IMO would be a good start.

[JustMizz]

I was confused due to how he was texting me before the date, and yes, I got anxious because of the change. He said he would text me when he got home that night.

 

And from everything he said, we were on the same page up until the date. I let him lead everything.

[katrina1980]

 

And from everything he said, we were on the same page up until the date.

 

So what does this tell you?

 

Think about it.

[katrina1980]

JM, with on line dating, it's important to remember that everything that transpired prior to the first meet, all the texting, etc. can all change once you meet in person.

 

Not sure if it was this thread or a different thread, but don't underestimate the power of physical energy and physical attraction.

 

Physical energy/attraction trumps everything else initially - no matter how much you connected texting prior to meeting in person.

 

So if you choose to continue with OLD, you have to be prepared for the possibility that it could ALL change once you meet in person.

 

As it did with this guy.

 

Obviously, while he enjoyed chatting before meeting, after meeting, not so much. It wasn't "there" for him once he met you in person.

 

It's nothing personal, he just didn't feel the click or was attracted enough.

 

It may not even had anything to do with your looks per se. He just wasn't "feeling it" for whatever reason.

 

Like someone mentioned earlier (and I've said too) dating (especially OLD) is tough and requires a very thick skin.

 

If you're not up to it, especially OLD, then pass on that and find other ways of meeting men.

 

Do you have meet ups in your area?

 

A man I am dating now I met at a meet up!

[figureitout23]

But you really have no idea if he was going to contact you or not. You seem to decide on an arbitrary time frame within which men are supposed to contact after a date. You were already "disappointed" the very night you went out with him because he didn't text you. That's not giving him much time.

 

Others are not always going to be on our time frames. Maybe he read on a forum somewhere that you should let a few days go by so as to not seem too eager. Or maybe he was legit busy and planned to contact you mid-week for a weekend date. Or maybe neither of these scenarios is accurate. But I think you're setting up these expectations and then getting upset and anxious when they don't play out the way you expect them to.

 

I would suggest if you plan to continue online dating that you discard the set time frames you have in your mind and learn that others have different ideas and expectations. I think you can find someone on the same page as you, but not everyone will be on the exact same page. They might at least be on the same chapter, which IMO would be a good start.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Also, I'd say take advice you receive with a grain of salt, except for the texting thing, please listen to that piece of advice! But the rest? Does it look bad? Yes. Do any of us know for a fact whats going through this guys mind? No. Its been what? 36 hours? Leave the door open if you want to, if not close it, but you cant hold him to anyone's standards but your own.

 

Look at how many differing views are on this site. There are trends and ideas of how dating 'should' go, but at the end of the day, we are all individuals and we all do things our own way. The one and only thing everyone seems to agree with is the one and only thing you seem to ignore, haha.

[JustMizz]

I know, I'm horrible with not texting. I really can't stand not knowing.

 

Was he just looking for a hookup? We only spent an hour together, did he give it a fair chance? Bleh.

 

Anyways, no, there aren't meet ups here or anything like that, unfortunately.

[Batya33]

I suppose I just expect too much out of people. I believe it is common courtesy to be honest with someone and not just stop talking to them.

 

Maybe I'm too old fashioned for online dating. I just don't get it.

 

He is being honest! He didn't ask you out again - honesty doesn't always require talking to the person - why does a person who has met you once in person have to tell you he doesn't plan on asking you out again? Often that is just silly oversharing "oh you're SO amazing and I'm sure some lucky guy will snap you up but I thought about it and I'm just not good enough for you" Or that he changed his mind about a vague reference to a future plan? To me silence is sufficient -that is a clear signal that there is no interest in seeing you again. After only one meeting. Sure, if he had taken you out 3 or 4 times then it would be polite to tell you he doesn't plan on asking you out again - not "honest" just polite. No disrespect. Dishonest would have been making a plan with you and then cancelling at the last minute with a lame excuse -that comes more in the realm of dishonest and rude. I think it's perfectly fine not to contact someone again after one meeting if you don't plan on seeing the person again.

[katrina1980]

All this talk about her texting the following day, it was too soon, she needs to be patient, forget it!

 

If the man had any interest at all:

 

(1) he would have texted her when he got home like he said he would, and

 

(2) a text from her the following day saying "what's up?" or whatever she said would NOT have turned him off.

 

JM, you did nothing wrong. You were interested in him so you sent a simple text, big whoop.

 

Again, had he been into you and felt the click he would have loved it, and responded back engaging you and setting up another date.

 

However, given his lame response, it's clear he is not interested, so don't text again.

[reinventmyself]

some things that will help you with OLD or dating at all:

 

* get rid of `shoulds' and lower your expectations some. People aren't going to behave the way you think they `should'

 

* live in the moment after all it's just a date, not a commitment or an obligation.

 

* resist sizing up your date as if `is he my forever after?' It's just a date. ( I would tell myself I couldn't have too many friends and just go into it out of curiosity, not much more )

 

* resist alot of electronic communication before a face to face. It creates a pseudo false connection and the fantasy build up rarely meets the real life person.

 

* continue talking to others and don't focus on one individual.

 

* and don't go into it wondering if you will be 'chosen'. Put all your focus on whether or not this person is a good choice for you.

 

* accept that most people are not our match and be ok with that. You only want someone who's crazy about you anyway.

 

. . . you had a nice evening. Leave it at that and don't let it define you.

[JustMizz]

Batya, he did ask me out again before he left. But I get it now, he's not interested.

 

Thank you, Katrina. And thank you for the tips, reinvent! I actually took a screen shot if that. 😊

[katrina1980]

I know, I'm horrible with not texting. I really can't stand not knowing.

Was he just looking for a hookup? We only spent an hour together, did he give it a fair chance? Bleh.

 

Anyways, no, there aren't meet ups here or anything like that, unfortunately.

 

JM, I read somewhere (confirmed by my brothers) that it takes men approximately seven seconds to know whether or not he's attracted to you (i.e. wants to have sex with you). Maybe sooner even.

 

That's his first thought.

 

Second thought, he gets to know you a bit during the date and determines whether or not you are someone he wants as either an FWB or potentially more than that.

 

Or neither.

 

If it's more than that, he will be respectful and not invite himself to your home during your first MEET, or try to have sex with you.

 

He will set up an actual date, asap, take you out. Escalating the physical by kissing you.

 

Second date, more escalating, physically.

 

Third date, if the chemistry is hot, he will escalate even further, maybe by trying to have sex with you.

 

This does NOT mean that is ALL he wants. But let's get real here, sex is going to be on his brain, regardless of whether he sees you as an FWB or girlfriend material.

 

In fact, going by what my brothers have told me (which is true for them but maybe not for all guys), a man may not even know whether or not he wants a RL with you until he has sex with you.

 

This is one of the major differences between men and women (Mars/Venus).

 

For women, they need the RL first, then sex.

 

For men (some not all), sex first, then RL.

 

It's up to YOU to slow the pace if you are not ready for sex, but don't hold it against him if he wants it.

 

He's a man, he's attracted to you, it's normal and to be expected (in my experience).

 

Facts: He spent one hour with you. Told you he would text you, but didn't. Sent a lame response to your text the following day.

 

Has not contacted you since.

 

So what is it you need to know, exactly?

 

I think you have enough info based simply on his actions (or non-actions) that the man is not interested.

 

This is all you need to know.

 

Try to keep things in perspective, you had ONE meet.

 

Dial it back, seriously otherwise this same thing will continue to happen over and over, forever frustrating you.

[JustMizz]

Dial it back, seriously otherwise this same thing will continue to happen over and over, forever frustrating you.

 

I'm good now. I'm already chatting with other people. It's frustrating, but all I can do is accept it as it is.

[reinventmyself]

I'm good now. I'm already chatting with other people. It's frustrating, but all I can do is accept it as it is.

 

Times like this I often think of the really great guys I had the honor of dating. For whatever reason, they weren't the one. But I still think of them fondly and think no less than them. They were great guys. Some of them, I've kicked myself for letting go.

 

If I am not some guys fancy, it's ok with me because he might very well think I am

a great catch too, but for reasons he can't explain, not the one for him.

 

I choose to look at it like this. . Whether it's true or not, I'll never know. But it sure makes dating a lot easier

[Honeycomb8]

One date lasting an hour should be a sign they're not that keen.

 

Generally I think any date lasting less than 2 hours is short.

 

Always let the guy serve the ball first.