New Guy, First Date, Need Tips!

[katrina1980]

Just out of curiosity HC, did you "feel" something before you met in person?

 

Any sort of energy/chemistry simply based on how you interacted on line?

 

Not a physical chemistry obviously but a sort of mental energy?

 

And the connection you had established on line just died when you met in person?

 

I agree you have to meet in person before determining true genuine chemistry, but I know several couples who met and connected on line and are now happily living together or married.

 

It's rare but happens.

 

I used to be friends with a girl on a different forum who met her now husband on the forum.

 

He lived in the US, she lived in Australia. They chatted on line for a year.

 

Fell in love on line actually.

 

I recall when she met him for the first time.

 

Unbelievable as this sounds, she took a shuttle from airport to his condo, knocked on door, he opened it, she walks in and immediately jumped into his arms, and the rest is history.

 

Last I heard from her, after living together for about a year, they got married and were living in Northern California.

 

I should look her up! Maybe try and find her via social media or something.

[Honeycomb8]

I did feel some mental energy. But I feel like once we met, the energy DID fade.

 

I normally have this requirement that very strong mental/emotional and some physical all have to be there. Emotional not in the sense of liking someone a lot, but more an energy of knowing something great could happen. I always know if something could potentially work pretty quickly after spending time with them.

 

My last serious relationship was with someone I met online. We only exchanged like 4 short messages and met up pretty fast. I had a very strong instantaneous reaction to him. All the people I loved, I had strong immediate reactions to. We were together for two years, so I say it worked well lol.

 

With current guy, I met him at drinks. It wasn't instantaneous but I developed this big crush on him very quickly.

[Honeycomb8]

I used to be friends with a girl on a different forum who met her now husband on the forum.

 

He lived in the US, she lived in Australia. They chatted on line for a year.

 

Fell in love on line actually.

 

I recall when she met him for the first time.

 

Unbelievable as this sounds, she took a shuttle from airport to his condo, knocked on door, he opened it, she walks in and immediately jumped into his arms, and the rest is history.

 

Last I heard from her, after living together for about a year, they got married and were living in Northern California.

 

I should look her up! Maybe try and find her via social media or something.

 

That can happen lol. I fell in love with someone from another country when I was a lot younger.

It didn't work out for many reasons, but sometimes a connection is a connection.

[katrina1980]

I did feel some mental energy. But I feel like once we met, the energy DID fade.

 

I normally have this requirement that very strong mental/emotional and some physical all have to be there. Emotional not in the sense of liking someone a lot, but more an energy of knowing something great could happen. I always know if something could potentially work pretty quickly after spending time with them.

 

My last serious relationship was with someone I met online. We only exchanged like 4 short messages and met up pretty fast. I had a very strong instantaneous reaction to him. All the people I loved, I had strong immediate reactions to. We were together for two years, so I say it worked well lol.

 

With current guy, I met him at drinks. It wasn't instantaneous but I developed this big crush on him very quickly.

 

Totally agree. Definitely need the energy/chemistry to be all encompassing.

 

Mental, emotional, physical, even spiritual in a sense, it all needs to be there for me before considering anything serious with a man. Which, whenever it happened, was quick and has always been mutual.

 

I suppose when people meet on line, the mental can be there, perhaps even emotional, if they chat for awhile before meeting in person.

 

But upon meeting, if the physical energy/connection doesn't match up with the mental energy, the whole thing just dies, as is what happened to you.

 

Which is a true testament of just how important physical energy is between two people.

 

Trumps everything else really, at least initially.

 

Question though. What do you think it was, did you just not find him attractive in person?

 

@ JM sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread!

[Honeycomb8]

^ It was partially because I envisioned him differently in my head. That's why it's always a good idea to meet quickly, or you're just wasting your time.

 

He wasn't dominant, assertive or decisive enough for me. He didn't project the confidence some other people I dated did. Also, I'm used to dating tall guys. I just didn't feel the spark I guess. Spark isn't even physical, it's a lot more about the 'click'...Which didn't really translate once we spent time together.

 

Maybe I was just shallow? But it wasn't just purely because I didn't think he was attractive enough.

[katrina1980]

^ It was partially because I envisioned him differently in my head. That's why it's always a good idea to meet quickly, or you're just wasting your time.

 

He wasn't dominant, assertive or decisive enough for me. He didn't project the confidence some other people I dated did. Also, I'm used to dating tall guys. I just didn't feel the spark I guess. Spark isn't even physical, it's a lot more about the 'click'...Which didn't really translate once we spent time together.

 

Maybe I was just shallow? But it wasn't just purely because I didn't think he was attractive enough.

 

I'm gonna send you a PM.

[MrComplicated]

If you could just wait one friggen second I'm sure you'll get your answer from the most credible source

[JustMizz]

If you could just wait one friggen second I'm sure you'll get your answer from the most credible source

 

I've been waiting all day?

[katrina1980]

^ It was partially because I envisioned him differently in my head. That's why it's always a good idea to meet quickly, or you're just wasting your time.

 

He wasn't dominant, assertive or decisive enough for me. He didn't project the confidence some other people I dated did. Also, I'm used to dating tall guys. I just didn't feel the spark I guess. Spark isn't even physical, it's a lot more about the 'click'...Which didn't really translate once we spent time together.

 

Maybe I was just shallow? But it wasn't just purely because I didn't think he was attractive enough.

 

Oh I hear ya re the "spark" thing. That is what I meant by physical energy/vibe.

 

A man's vibe, your vibe, and how you "vibe" together, in person.

 

A person's vibe/energy trumps everything else.

 

More than looks even, imo.

 

I wouldn't even care if he were shorter than I am.

 

In fact, I dated a guy for awhile who was 5'8", so when I wore 3 inch heels, I was taller!

 

I didn't care, he didn't care, we both looked hot and that was all that mattered!

[figureitout23]

Just trying to understand. Lol

 

When I asked him what he was on pof looking for, this was his response:

 

First off I'm not on pof anymore I dropped that mess as soon as I started talking to u, i personally hate having to use pof but I'm so damn socially awkward that I can't meet women organically, secondly I'm not just looking for a piece of ass I've done that and it brought me absolutely no joy, but I do want a woman but not just for sex, honestly I'd really like to have a family again

 

We spent the week getting to know each other as best we could via text/phone.

 

I asked him why he deleted pof and he said this:

 

It didn't seem right to keep checking out other women, that's not really my style, I want to try to have a relationship and u can't do that if ur talking to multiple woman at the same time.

 

Wow... I'd expect a follow up after all that too. But I can also see what the others are saying, since you hadn't met yet they were just words. Who knows maybe he's busy, maybe he will contact you later maybe he met and didn't feel a spark. You both got pretty invested on the idea of each other. I hope he reaches out. If not, it's another lesson learned I supposed. I'm gonna be honest though with sweet talking like that I'd be a little annoyed too.

[KantSleep]

He didn't text you when he got home, and he broke his pattern of texting you daily - by not texting today. It doesn't sound very promising. He wanted to come to your house? Red flag - way too soon - you two have only been chatting for a week and met once. On top of that he mentions sex. Another red flag. Sounds like he is looking for a hook up and wasn't getting anywhere with you in that regard. He dropped off his son and was free for some action. Consider it a bullet dodged, if you don't hear from him.

[JustMizz]

Yea, the hookup idea has crossed my mind a few times, now.

[JustMizz]

Wow... I'd expect a follow up after all that too. But I can also see what the others are saying, since you hadn't met yet they were just words. Who knows maybe he's busy, maybe he will contact you later maybe he met and didn't feel a spark. You both got pretty invested on the idea of each other. I hope he reaches out. If not, it's another lesson learned I supposed. I'm gonna be honest though with sweet talking like that I'd be a little annoyed too.

 

At least it's not just me, this time. I'm getting so sick of this mess.

[JustMizz]

I text this morning and just asked, "So, what's up?". (I know!!)

 

He replied, " Nothing".

 

I guess I'll attempt a casual convo and not bring up the fact I felt he was ignoring me and see what happens.

[figureitout23]

I text this morning and just asked, "So, what's up?". (I know!!)

 

He replied, " Nothing".

 

I guess I'll attempt a casual convo and not bring up the fact I felt he was ignoring me and see what happens.

 

I'm not going to lie, when I read this I made a face... it doesn't look promising. Let him start a convo. From my understanding he was supposed to contact you right? Let some time and space pass, don't text him again. Although me and everyone else saying that doesn't seem to be getting through...

 

 

I had to post this because you always seem to contact these men while I'm replying to you lol so to continue what I was saying, I personally don't think convo should have waned to this extent after your first meet. I don't have that much expierience with online dating but when it's a good date, the next date seeme to be planned during that date and when it's not one of the other kinda dance around the subject. That's not to say there's no hope, none of us know what's going on in his head but Id let him come to you.

[JustMizz]

I just asked how the rest of his weekend went. No reply. And yes, he was supposed to text me when he got home but never did.

 

Before he left, he thanked me for meeting him and asked if I would like to see him again this coming weekend.

 

I guess I'll just not text again, at least he replied once. Not that it means anything, really.

 

I just can't stand this fading out mess. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me.

[katrina1980]

I text this morning and just asked, "So, what's up?". (I know!!)

 

He replied, " Nothing".

 

 

JM, too late now as you ended up responding back to this^ but that response may be the most apathetic response a person could ever receive after a first meet.

 

Honestly, if I had any attraction prior to receiving such an apathetic text, such attraction would immediately go poof gone once receiving that.

 

Personally would have rather he not reply at all, that txt was just an insult.

 

What made you respond to that? Just curious.

 

No disrespect but your picker may be off a bit if you thought it indicated any sort of interest on his part. Trust me it DIDNT !

 

It's over JM, done. Forget what happened prior to your first meet.

 

This man doesnt give a crap.

 

Sorry.

[JustMizz]

My picker has always been off. 😞

 

His reply did annoy me. I nearly went off on him but stopped myself.

 

I still want to tell him I know what's up and he should be a man and be straight with me, but what good would that do?

 

I am really starting to get discouraged with this dating mess. What's the point?

[katrina1980]

My picker has always been off. 😞

 

His reply did annoy me. I nearly went off on him but stopped myself.

 

I still want to tell him I know what's up and he should be a man and be straight with me, but what good would that do?

 

I am really starting to get discouraged with this dating mess. What's the point?

 

Try to not get too discouraged, there is a saying "a woman will kiss a lot frogs before meeting her prince." Or something like hat.

 

With on line dating, I know women who have had in excess of 100 first meets before finding her "prince."

 

A very good friend of mine on a different forum had approx 200 dates before meeting hers.

 

She had been stood up, ghosted, flaked on. She did her share of ghosting too!

 

After a first meet, if one or the other isn't interested, nothing should really be expected.

 

He doesn't owe you anything.

 

Sure it would have been nice if he had replied back telling you it was nice meeting you but doesn't wish to pursue further.

 

But as he said himself, he suffers from extreme social anxiety and perhaps he didn't know what to say.

 

So he sends an apathetic text indicating his non-interest ("nothing") hoping you get the message.

 

Keep going! It gets better with experience!

 

Use it as a learning and growth opportunity, now you know better.

 

Also, jmo on this but before a first meet, when a man tells you he is not looking for a "piece of ass," take a pass.

 

A "piece of ass"? Really? What are you a frat buddy? (Rhetorical)

 

Yeah, work on your picker, and let this one go.

 

If he texts again, tell him you are no longer interested.

 

Chances are he was only looking for a hook up anyway.

[JustMizz]

Thanks, Katrina.

 

I am starting to hate online dating, but I really don't know how else to meet guys. I live in a small town and there aren't a lot of social events going on.

 

I'm using POF because that seems to have the most options in my area, however, I'm beginning to see it's just a hook up site. I tried OK cupid and only had like 3 matches, lol. I don't like Bumble.

 

I really have no idea what I'm doing. And it's like, you sleep with em too fast, they fade. You don't give it up, they fade. You text too much, you're needy. You don't text enough, you're not interested.

 

I actually asked a guy who took me out once and didn't contact me again why he didn't contact me. He said because I did the right thing! He offered to get us a room and I declined. I mean, that makes no sense.

 

Why does it have to be so dang complicated??

[katrina1980]

Thanks, Katrina.

 

I am starting to hate online dating, but I really don't know how else to meet guys. I live in a small town and there aren't a lot of social events going on.

 

I'm using POF because that seems to have the most options in my area, however, I'm beginning to see it's just a hook up site. I tried OK cupid and only had like 3 matches, lol. I don't like Bumble.

 

I really have no idea what I'm doing. And it's like, you sleep with em too fast, they fade. You don't give it up, they fade. You text too much, you're needy. You don't text enough, you're not interested.

 

I actually asked a guy who took me out once and didn't contact me again why he didn't contact me. He said because I did the right thing! He offered to get us a room and I declined. I mean, that makes no sense.

 

Why does it have to be so dang complicated??

 

Dating is complicated because people are complicated!

 

The best advice you could ever get, imo, is try to roll with it and learn to be flexible and resilient.

 

Lower expectations.

 

Again no disrespect at all but you are taking it all too seriously. Too intense.

 

Have fun with it! And learn.

 

Again sorry this didn't work out, but if you keep going and learning as you go along, eventually you will meet your "prince."

 

I've been though quite a bit of BS myself since ending a LTR in late 2015.

 

Learned a hell of a lot from all of it.

 

Now I can make better decisions for myself so don't regret any of it.

 

Good luck!

[JustMizz]

It's hard to not take it seriously/personally and I've always been an intense person.

 

I'm really trying to have a different mindset about it all, but it's difficult to change how you perceive things.

[figureitout23]

I just asked how the rest of his weekend went. No reply. And yes, he was supposed to text me when he got home but never did.

 

Before he left, he thanked me for meeting him and asked if I would like to see him again this coming weekend.

 

I guess I'll just not text again, at least he replied once. Not that it means anything, really.

 

I just can't stand this fading out mess. I'm trying my best to not let it get to me.

 

Mizz, you gotta try harder. Do not text him again. If he continues the conversation or comes around to plan your next date awesome, if not, take the hint.

[Tygerlyly53]

It's hard to not take it seriously/personally and I've always been an intense person.

 

I'm really trying to have a different mindset about it all, but it's difficult to change how you perceive things.

 

This is ME exactly. Sorry to hear you have been having such a blah time with dating lately. I am experiencing the same thing you are. Low to no interest after meeting someone; men only looking for a hookup, etc.

 

All of this discouragement just makes me miss the past men in my life that I really felt a connection with and they for me (until they eventually left that is).

 

I see others in happy relationships and dating men who don't screw them around or fade/ghost on them and I think, "why can't I have that? What is so bad about me?"

 

You're not alone, JM, in how you feel and what you're going through right now.

[katrina1980]

Mizz, you gotta try harder. Do not text him again. If he continues the conversation or comes around to plan your next date awesome, if not, take the hint.

 

Agree she should not text again but I am surprised you advised to continue seeing him should he reach out again.

 

No, no no. He has already shown her who he is (a man not interested, deeming her not even worthy of a proper response back and ignoring her second txt), she needs to pay attention to that, and keep moving forward.

 

I don't see anything positive coming from seeing him again, should he reach out. Higher standards and all that.

 

My opinion of course you are free to believe otherwise.