New Guy, First Date, Need Tips!

[JustMizz]

One date lasting an hour should be a sign they're not that keen.

 

Generally I think any date lasting less than 2 hours is short.

 

Always let the guy serve the ball first.

 

It was because of lack of planning, mainly. There's nothing to do in this town. Plus, he had driven 13 hrs before he got here. He did ask to chill at my house, as I stated, but I declined, mainly because of my daughter being here.

[reinventmyself]

It was because of lack of planning, mainly. There's nothing to do in this town. Plus, he had driven 13 hrs before he got here. He did ask to chill at my house, as I stated, but I declined, mainly because of my daughter being here.

 

That smacks of a request to hook up. Be glad he shuffled on.

And if the chemistry is good it doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing.

I've sat and chatted with guys for hours on end if the feeling is right.

[JustMizz]

That smacks of a request to hook up. Be glad he shuffled on.

And if the chemistry is good it doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing.

I've sat and chatted with guys for hours on end if the feeling is right.

 

Yea, that's pretty much what I've decided it was all about. A guy friend of mine says he's just pouting and will probably try again in a bit. Smh

[KantSleep]

Dear JustMizz, I did the online dating thing and I was often treated like I was not a person with feelings. The worst was as follows: I agreed to meet a man for coffee. We met in the parking lot of the coffee shop. He took one look at me, said he had to make a phone call, and would be right back. He left me waiting until it dawned on me he wasn't coming back. When I tried to email him to tell him off, it bounced back saying I blocked. I was left feeling like an ugly loser, completely marginalized. But you know what, I am not an ugly loser. I allowed him to make me feel that way. Before the date, he had received an up close, clear and recent photo of me. My weight had not changed, and it was not photo-shopped. My friends said it was a good likeness of me. Who he was expecting to show up, I don't know. Bottom line: Don't give any man the power to diminish you, or make you wonder what you did wrong, what is wrong with you, etc. He doesn't deserve you, because you know how to treat people, but he doesn't. There is nothing wrong with writing a gentle note, signing off, saying something like: I really think you are a nice person, but I don't think it's a match. Good luck, I wish you well. It's better than ghosting. It's OK to look for what you want in a person, but to treat them like crap, like they don't have feelings, is wrong. Regretfully it's the nature of on-line dating. You have to grow a thick skin. Keeping trying, something will work out for you that is meant to be.

[figureitout23]

Dear JustMizz, I did the online dating thing and I was often treated like I was not a person with feelings. The worst was as follows: I agreed to meet a man for coffee. We met in the parking lot of the coffee shop. He took one look at me, said he had to make a phone call, and would be right back. He left me waiting until it dawned on me he wasn't coming back. When I tried to email him to tell him off, it bounced back saying I blocked. I was left feeling like an ugly loser, completely marginalized. But you know what, I am not an ugly loser. I allowed him to make me feel that way. Before the date, he had received an up close, clear and recent photo of me. My weight had not changed, and it was not photo-shopped. My friends said it was a good likeness of me. Who he was expecting to show up, I don't know. Bottom line: Don't give any man the power to diminish you, or make you wonder what you did wrong, what is wrong with you, etc. He doesn't deserve you, because you know how to treat people, but he doesn't. There is nothing wrong with writing a gentle note, signing off, saying something like: I really think you are a nice person, but I don't think it's a match. Good luck, I wish you well. It's better than ghosting. It's OK to look for what you want in a person, but to treat them like crap, like they don't have feelings, is wrong. Regretfully it's the nature of on-line dating. You have to grow a thick skin. Keeping trying, something will work out for you that is meant to be.

 

THIS!!

 

Could not agree more. Its a behavior I simply cannot view as ok. If you wouldn't like it if it was done to you why on earth would you do it to someone else.

 

If someone ever did to me what that piece of crap did to you, I don't even know what I'd do in response. Wow... I don't believe in karma but if I did, he'd have it coming. I think the one bright side to people acting in this manner is its a great filter, I like the people I date to have manners. Imagine that guy in a relationship, yikes!

[Batya33]

Batya, he did ask me out again before he left. But I get it now, he's not interested.

 

Thank you, Katrina. And thank you for the tips, reinvent! I actually took a screen shot if that. 😊

 

With a specific day and place to meet? I thought he just asked if you'd be up for getting together again the following weekend. If I'm mistaken and he asked you out for a specific day or evening then I would have followed up and said " hi are we still on for Saturday night ?" If there's no specific plan then it's a tentative suggestion. And you said you'd be interested and then it was up to him to ask you out for a specific day.

My experience was different as a woman because I had more safety concerns. Typically I found that if I responded to a guy asking for a first date after a first meet with a polite decline I often got harassed with emails or calls because he was angry. One time I was thanked profusely for saying that I don't think we had enough chemistry and I didn't want him to travel the almost 2 hours to see me given they feeling I had. Then the next day he sent me a total of 6 emails over a 2 hour period each angrier than the next and creepy. The last one asked for my forgiveness and to be friends. I ignored them all. A half hirvlater my ex boyfriend called because after several years apart we'd discussed maybe getting a friendly drink or dinner. Exhausted from the emails I said yes to meeting that night because I figured he wouldn't ask about my dating life. He didn't. Three weeks later we got back together and 3 years later we got married. One reason my heart was so open to falling in love with him again was Because I went on several first meets a week and had done so at that time for about the past 2 months and I did not allow myself to get upset or cynical or feel "disrespected" by those men who decided not to ask me out again. I was like that for almost all of tjev24 years I dated on and off in a major city. I moved on because I wanted to find a husband and I knew the jaded attitude or negativity would hamper that.

Dating requires a thick skin. It makes it worse if you choose to type or talk at length before meeting in person if you're going to meet through an online site.

[JustMizz]

Kantsleep, that was just horrible. I don't understand how people can be so rude.

 

I think my biggest mistake this go around was too much texting beforehand, as y'all have suggested. I've had a few other dates where I didn't hear back from the guy and I just shrugged it off.

 

I'm good now, though. I don't even have an urge to talk to this guy. It was a tentative plan for this coming weekend, I took him as being serious.

 

More lessons learned.

[Batya33]

Kantsleep, that was just horrible. I don't understand how people can be so rude.

 

I think my biggest mistake this go around was too much texting beforehand, as y'all have suggested. I've had a few other dates where I didn't hear back from the guy and I just shrugged it off.

 

I'm good now, though. I don't even have an urge to talk to this guy. It was a tentative plan for this coming weekend, I took him as being serious.

 

More lessons learned.

 

So when you meet women or acquaintances who say "yes, let's get coffee sometime -maybe next weekend?" do you consider it rude if that person doesn't follow up? Do you think that the person is 100% serious that she definitely wants to meet for coffee next weekend? When that happens to me what I do if I do want to see the person is try to firm up a plan ASAP as in "great, I'm free next Saturday afternoon, how about you?" That way I weed out the people who really do want to make a plan and might just be thinking on their feet. The others might be seriously thinking of "maybe" but I don't have time for maybe in my life as far as following up with 'maybe" or changing my schedule around for "maybe". I get it that on a first meet it might seem too forward to pin down a day but you said you'd talked to this guy for a week and spent all that time with him so maybe next time since you take a tentative plan to mean an actual plan, confirm on the spot.

 

The other thing I used to do -the guy would say "so....what are you doing next weekend?" And I'd smile and say "seeing you of course!"

 

For me, personally, a tentative plan meant no plan and I walked away from a first meet or early date assuming he would call to firm up a plan if he was interested and poof he was off my radar. I never ever found silence rude but I did find it annoying when a guy who barely knew me followed up to tell me he wouldn't be asking me out again.

[JustMizz]

I think it is moreso that we spent the week texting and talking on the phone. I didn't expect him to just stop talking to me, even if he didn't feel anything at the meet up. And I don't get why he even made tentative plans if he had no interest. But, no one can answer that except him. It was my bad for expecting too much.

 

Like I said, the other first dates that I didn't hear back from really didn't bother me.

[figureitout23]

I think it is moreso that we spent the week texting and talking on the phone. I didn't expect him to just stop talking to me, even if he didn't feel anything at the meet up. And I don't get why he even made tentative plans if he had no interest. But, no one can answer that except him. It was my bad for expecting too much.

 

Like I said, the other first dates that I didn't hear back from really didn't bother me.

 

Yeah, the fact that he made plans when he knew good and well he had no intention of following up on them is rude. It's one thing if the date ended and he didn't say that, you'd have no expectation, but the whole, I'll text when I get home and let's get together again when he knew he felt nothing? Pretty darn unnecessary. The best lesson though is to learn not to take it personal. Easier said than done, I know. Another dud, but your dude is out there 😊. Think of it this way, you want a gentleman with integrity who is honest. The dudes who will fill your head with pretty words all in an attempt to get in your pants are a dime a dozen and you didn't fall for it this time. Sure, you can no longer expect basic manners in dating, but there are a ton of men out there who don't follow these arbitrary rules, who will be straight with you from the start. If those are your standards stick to them, it'll pay off in the end. But until then you are learning - lower expectations, hold off on over texting.

[JustMizz]

At least I didn't send this one a long winded text. See? I'm learning! Lol

 

And yes, I won't settle for anyone less than I know I deserve.

 

I have a few tentative dates this weekend. We'll see if any step up and make actual plans. 😀

[katrina1980]

Often times, people get caught up in the moment and say things they may regret later.

 

With this guy, at the time he may have had every intention of calling you and even having another date.

 

Then he wakes up the next day, thinks about the date, and realizes he doesn't wish to pursue.

 

I think this happens a lot after first meets and first dates. It's happened to me.

 

I'm having a good time, lots of good convo, maybe even a few laughs, at the end of date he asks me out again, and not having had a chance to let the date "marinate" in my head a bit, I say yes.

 

Then the next day I wake up and think about the date, and him, and realize while he seemed nice and all, I didn't feel anything, so end up canceling.

 

The guy is baffled because on its face we had a good time, but I know for me I am seeking that "click" and again after thinking about it, realize I just wasn't feeling it.

 

It's important to remember, feelings (and attraction) are fluid especially in these very very early stages, like after a first meet. Try to not get too hung up about it. You will drive yourself crazy.

 

That said, I do not like how this guy handled things, but hell, it was one meet, he changed his mind, he's allowed. He also may have just been looking for a hook up and since you declined his request to go back to yours, he was like the hell with it.

 

Let it go, which it sounds like you have.

 

Plenty more where he came from, just get out there, be open, and approachable, and you will meet them.

[JustMizz]

He's back on pof today. Smh Lol maybe he'll find whatever he's looking for.

[figureitout23]

He's back on pof today. Smh Lol maybe he'll find whatever he's looking for.

 

Eh... no point in being bitter. It is what it is.

[JustMizz]

Eh... no point in being bitter. It is what it is.

 

I'm not bitter. Got a chuckle out of it.

[Batya33]

I think it is moreso that we spent the week texting and talking on the phone. I didn't expect him to just stop talking to me, even if he didn't feel anything at the meet up. And I don't get why he even made tentative plans if he had no interest. But, no one can answer that except him. It was my bad for expecting too much.

 

Like I said, the other first dates that I didn't hear back from really didn't bother me.

 

Yes, you were two strangers talking with the goal of seeing if you should meet in person and maybe after that go on a date. Not to be BFFs. He probably doesn't have time for chat buddies if he is looking to find a good match -I know I didn't at that time. What do you want this practical stranger to say "sorry I changed my mind?" or "it's not you it's me you are so amazing?" How would it help at all hearing this from someone you met once in your life? Please avoid exchanging more than a few messages -and talking once on the phone - before meeting. Definitely talk as a safety screening. Then meet for 45 minutes at a public place for coffee and expect that you two will show up and have a pleasant convo that's it.

[JustMizz]

I suppose knowing if there was something specific about me that turned him off would be helpful if it is something I could work on for future dates. I wouldn't want flattery, just blunt honesty.

 

But, it's nothing I'm fretting over. It might not even be anything about me personally.

[Batya33]

I suppose knowing if there was something specific about me that turned him off would be helpful if it is something I could work on for future dates. I wouldn't want flattery, just blunt honesty.

 

But, it's nothing I'm fretting over. It might not even be anything about me personally.

 

But why from a stranger? how would that be relevant? I was asked a question like that by a guy I declined a first real date with so I was blunt and told him -it actually did help him, he told me months later -so sure, ask him if you like but again it's a stranger for all purposes who barely knows you. I am sure it's nothing personal

[JustMizz]

But why from a stranger? how would that be relevant? I was asked a question like that by a guy I declined a first real date with so I was blunt and told him -it actually did help him, he told me months later -so sure, ask him if you like but again it's a stranger for all purposes who barely knows you. I am sure it's nothing personal

 

I guess I don't view him as a total stranger. We shared a good bit during our texts and phone calls.

 

At least I know I shared true stuff. Lol

[Batya33]

I guess I don't view him as a total stranger. We shared a good bit during our texts and phone calls.

 

At least I know I shared true stuff. Lol

 

What I mean is that for dating/chemistry/compatibility purposes in a romantic relationship -assume he is a total stranger until you met in person then he was a person you met only once in person. I have become close with people I've yet to meet in person but when it came to first contacting someone through a dating site I made sure to meet in person ASAP to avoid just the kind of situation you find yourself in -where you chose to get attached before meeting and have expectations far beyond what to me are realistic when meeting someone in person for the first time for a potential romantic relationship

[katrina1980]

I suppose knowing if there was something specific about me that turned him off would be helpful if it is something I could work on for future dates. I wouldn't want flattery, just blunt honesty.

 

But, it's nothing I'm fretting over. It might not even be anything about me personally.

 

JM, often times it's not even anything specific.

 

I've rejected some great guys - good looking, educated, good job, financially stable. We even had great convo, and some laughs.

 

But there was no "click" no real energy, no sexual tension. I felt like I was out with a good friend.

 

Personally, I don't think good energy (physical, mental) between two people can be created or forced. Nor can sexual tension.

 

It's either there or it isn't. It's intangible.

 

As an example, the first night I met my ex, the sexual tension was so thick, almost immediately upon being introduced, I could barely speak.

 

With other guys, I was a regular chatterbox! But felt zero tension.

 

Nowadays, the guys I date fall somewhere in between, so will date them awhile to see what, if anything develops.

 

That may be what happened here with you and your guy.

 

That said, and as I said earlier, given his comment before you even met "I'm not looking for just a piece of ass," which no respectful man would ever say before a first meet (not in my world anyway), combined with him wanting to go back to yours during the date (which again was actually just your first meet for heavens sake), I honestly think the man was looking for a hook up and didn't feel that would ever happen with you, so chose to move on.

 

Also his response to your text the following day "nothing," furthers that point. You can't get much more apathetic that that.

 

You did nothing wrong. He was just a bad seed imo and next time, again, when a man speaks to you in such a disrespectful fashion before even meeting, stop texting and take a pass on meeting.

 

Had you done that here, you would have avoided all this internal turmoil going on now.

[JustMizz]

I need to work on my judgment and stop looking past things.

 

I agree, at this point I believe he was just looking for a hook up.

[Batya33]

JM, often times it's not even anything specific.

 

I've rejected some great guys - good looking, educated, good job, financially stable. We even had great convo, and some laughs.

 

But there was no "click" no real energy, no sexual tension. I felt like I was out with a good friend.

 

Personally, I don't think good energy (physical, mental) between two people can be created or forced. Nor can sexual tension.

 

It's either there or it isn't. It's intangible.

 

As an example, the first night I met my ex, the sexual tension was so thick, almost immediately upon being introduced, I could barely speak.

 

With other guys, I was a regular chatterbox! But felt zero tension.

 

Nowadays, the guys I date fall somewhere in between, so will date them awhile to see what, if anything develops.

 

That may be what happened here with you and your guy.

 

That said, and as I said earlier, given his comment before you even met "I'm not looking for just a piece of ass," which no respectful man would ever say before a first meet (not in my world anyway), combined with him wanting to go back to yours during the date (which again was actually just your first meet for heavens sake), I honestly think the man was looking for a hook up and didn't feel that would ever happen with you, so chose to move on.

 

Also his response to your text the following day "nothing," furthers that point. You can't get much more apathetic that that.

 

You did nothing wrong. He was just a bad seed imo and next time, again, when a man speaks to you in such a disrespectful fashion before even meeting, stop texting and take a pass on meeting.

 

Had you done that here, you would have avoided all this internal turmoil going on now.

 

Yes, I agree, it can be that and people are entitled to make that decision on a first meet (I didn't if I was on the fence or thought a spark could develop, I gave it a few more dates because I know myself) - and it's nothing personal. That often happens if you type and talk for too long before meeting, there are raised expectations of a spark in person (which to me are unrealistic expectations - apples and oranges).

 

I agree in this case unless you wanted a sex partner, pass on meeting anyone who texts that way before meeting in person especially.

[JustMizz]

He text this morning and said he didn't want to be mean, but I look nothing like my pics and he wasn't attracted to me.

 

I've never been told that, and I've even asked people if I look like my pics.

 

Oh well, at least I got an answer.

[Batya33]

He text this morning and said he didn't want to be mean, but I look nothing like my pics and he wasn't attracted to me.

 

I've never been told that, and I've even asked people if I look like my pics.

 

Oh well, at least I got an answer.

 

yes - and obviously it's your personal opinion on whether that kind of opinion from someone you met once through a dating site is helpful to you. I personally would not feel comfortable sharing that information with someone I met once because as a woman that could trigger an angry response and frankly I don't think it's helpful in the least. It also might not be the real reason. If you believe your photos aren't accurate then that might be helpful information. Also possible you looked pale, etc because you were ill.

 

As far as the photos I think if the photos are recent and don't conceal anything major then that's fine -in person chemistry I find often has little to do with whether the person looks exactly like their photos. On the other hand I've been on first meets where the photos were misleading and that was not a chemistry issue but an integrity issue.