Online sexual chatting

[Hanna250809]

Hi I am a female (23) and I've been with my partner (26) for 3 years now. About a year into our relationship, while helping him to find a missing email in his inbox I stumbled upon a email from a gay dating/ hook up website. I thought it was spam and jokingly asked him if there was something he wasn't telling me. He suddenly went really weird and shifty and started acting strange. As far as I knew he was straight, I'd asked him a month or two before this if he'd ever had feelings for men or had sexual relations with a man and he had said no. So I shrugged it off and put it to the back of my mind. But later that evening it started to bug me as he was usually so laid back and his behaviour when I saw that Email had been so out of character. So I went on his email again and searched terms such as "sex" and "gay". What I found shocked me. It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". Naturally, I was very upset. I confronted him about this and at first he denied everything and shouted at me for prying in his email. After me explaining that I'd read every message in great detail he admitted to the messages and the sites but claimed he did not meet up with anyone while me and him where together. He then proceeded to get really angry and upset and smash his laptop and try and comitt suicide. 2 years on we have never been able to properly talk about this or sort it out. All in all our relationship is good but sometimes I get really down and upset and worry if this is still going on or if he is telling me the truth. He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

 

There are somethings that still bother me about the situation and I'm looking for advice of how to deal with it:

 

1. Every time I attempt to talk about it he gets angry and me and gets suicidal

2. He always searches on Facebook for a guy he used to fancy at uni

3. I found a cancelled order for an anal dildo on his emails from a time when we were together

4. He told the guy he hooked up with he loved him on one of the emails he sent 6 months into our relationship

5. He lied to me about his previous sexual experiences (he said he had a gf for 4 years before me which was a lie I am the only woman he's ever slept with)

6. I worry that he's lying about not hooking up with the people he emailed and that he's still on those sites

7. I worry that I'm not good enough and this is why this happened

 

He tells me I'm hot and attractive and we have a great sex life but I really worry that I'm not good enough for him and that this unresolved problem will hang over me for the rest of my life. I love him and he loves me and I really want to make it work but this makes it difficult because I've such low self esteem.

 

Thanks for reading any advice would be appreciated x

[Honeycomb8]

Your bf is gay. He's lied, cheated repeatedly, guilt tripped and emotional blackmailed you to stay scared and wary...Why are you staying with him? You're seriously wasting your time on someone who can't change. He's who he is! He's gay and likes men. Unless you plan on getting a sex change its just not gonna happen where things change to work in your favour.

[amazingcuzitis]

First of all, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I would hug you if I could!

(>^_^)>

 

Second, there are definitely some MAJOR red flags here. Did he ever actually physically attempt suicide, or does he just threaten to kill himself or talk about wanting to kill himself? Because telling your partner that you want to kill yourself because of their actions is one of the most abusive things a person can do. He's clearly got a lot of personal issues, and you're such a great partner for loving him despite these things, but if he's not honest with himself about who he is and what he wants, then he can't be honest with you about them. My guess is that he probably feels a lot of shame for his desires, and a lot of confusion about his sexuality. I think he loves you, for sure, but I think there's a whole other part of him that wants something different. He may try to deny it, and he may try not to give into those desires, but they will always be there. Is that something you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about? And it's NOT because you aren't good enough. You are more than good enough, and much more understanding and patient than most women would be. But if he's telling men that he loves them, and lying to you about his past sexual experiences, I don't think this relationship is going to work out. Honesty and fidelity are hugely important in a relationship, and he's already shown that those are qualities he doesn't possess. As harsh as this may sound, I think the best thing to do would be to end it now. I know you love him and that must seem like an impossible decision to make, but I really think there is a greater happiness waiting for you both with other people. It's great that you two have grown together over the years and I'm sure you'll always love each other, but in the end I don't think he will ever be completely satisfied with being with a woman, and I think the more he denies himself the company of men, the more he will want it.

[Hanna250809]

He has physically attempted suicide. He has a history of depression and is on antidepressants.

 

It kills me to think that he might be gay and not love me in that way but I'm not sure that he doesn't fancy me. We have great sex and he always seems very turned on when I'm naked etc.

 

Thank you for your replies it feels so good to be able to talk about it

[MissCanuck]

There is no "might." He is gay. He can't admit it to himself or to you or to anyone who knows him personally. Yes, he has sex with you, but there is no doubt in my mind that he prefers men, and he is very much in denial about his true identity and sexual orientation. This is very likely what is fueling his depression and suicidal tendencies - he is struggling deeply with himself and doesn't know how to cope.

 

How can your relationship be good if there is a such a foundation of dishonesty and emotional blackmail? He was cheating on you, OP. My guess is that he probably still is, and I say that because if he likes men and sex with men he is not going to be able to suppress that very huge part of who he fundamentally is.

 

All of the cheating and lying alone would have led me to end this long ago, regardless of the gender of his dalliances. He is not trustworthy at all and there is no happy ending here for you two. I'm sorry as I know you care very much about him, but this is not the stuff healthy and mutually respectful relationships are made of.

 

I would end it, 100%. If he attempts suicide, or even threatens it, call emergency services. He needs help that you cannot provide.

 

Have you been tested for STIs and HIV? You need to. I would say that even if he were sneaking around with women, too. You cannot trust this man and I would not for one moment believe he hasn't had sex outside your relationship nor been careful enough to protect himself.

 

Walk away from this and find yourself a trustworthy partner.

[Lester]

"I love him and he loves me..."

- No, it's just you trying to force something that isn't love into love.

 

You'll fail.

[Hanna250809]

I think he does love me because the reason her says he wants to comitt suicide is because he "can't deal with how much he's hurt me". He treats me well in all other aspects of life and I feel a strong connection between us. I just don't know what to do

[MissCanuck]

I think he does love me because the reason her says he wants to comitt suicide is because he "can't deal with how much he's hurt me". He treats me well in all other aspects of life and I feel a strong connection between us. I just don't know what to do

 

A question: do you lie and cheat on him? No? Because you love him, right? Think about what that says regarding his level of love and respect for you. I don't know about you, girl, but my definition of love includes honesty, trustworthiness and mutual respect. He failed miserably at all of the above.

 

Also, he attempted suicide because he was terrified you would tell people he is gay. He didn't try to kill himself because he was sad he hurt you. That is pure manipulative crap. He panicked that you would expose him for who he really is, and it worked: you kept his secret.

 

On a serious note, is this your first relationship? I have to wonder if you have nothing to compare this to, to see how toxic and unhealthy this relationship is.

[Lester]

"I just don't know what to do"

- I think you do. You just need the courage to do it.

 

Please run away from this farce before you get sick and or die from it. (...(50-75) men to have sex)

[Hanna250809]

Thanks everyone. No this isn't my first relationship this is my 4th. I had 2 short ones in my early teens (13 and 14) lasting a few months and one 5 year relationship prior to this (14-19). I never felt about any of those people ten way I feel about him and my 5 year relationship just had no spark left that's why it ended but my ex bf treated me well

[melancholy123]

This man is gay. He lied to you, repeatedly. He cannot deal with being gay, thus suicide attempts and also having a sexual relationship with you, a woman. This is not working for you or him. You need to find someone who is straight and can love you properly.

 

Also, get yourself tested for STDs, you are taking a big chance having sex with him.

[Hollyj]

At the very least, he is bisexual. I'm going with gay. Besides that, why are you with a LIAR?????? How can you trust this man????

 

You need to tested. Pronto! Who knows how many strangers he is having sex with.

[Hollyj]

I think he does love me because the reason her says he wants to comitt suicide is because he "can't deal with how much he's hurt me". He treats me well in all other aspects of life and I feel a strong connection between us. I just don't know what to do

 

Good grief! He has hurt you by cheating and lying. His behavior clearly shows that he does not respect or love you. It sounds like he has made you his shield, so that no one will suspect he is gay. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative jerk.

 

He prefers men! End it!

[indea08]

I kind of have softer feelings towards this. I mean, yes he did you wrong, he shouldn't have been doing anything questionable while he was exclusive with you....but how is it fair to call someone a liar in a situation like this?? If he hasn't figured his own sexuality out, doesn't understand it, or flat out won't accept it, why on Earth would he talk to anyone about it? And you asked him point blank if he'd been with men, so he really had two choices: 1.) talk about something he refuses to accept himself, or 2.) lie to you. I can't blame him for lying, I would've too.

 

So, now that we're here...how do you want to proceed? I think you know these issues need to be dealt with in one way or another. I think you also know that it won't be on your time, it'll be when/if he's ready. He may never accept his sexuality, it may always be a taboo topic. I think your best bet is to try to understand with him, as opposed to confronting him. (Again, I realize he did a lot of wrong to you, but realistically if you want to move forward, you're going to have to let that go and try to understand how this all feels for him).

 

If it were me, and my goal was to understand in attempt to move forward together, I would start with asking questions like "are you completely happy with me?" "Do you ever feel like trying something new/different?" "Do you have any curiosity or feelings that you want to explore?" Tell him that you love him, and you just want to make sure that he feels free to be who he his, and be open minded in finding out who he is together.

 

I think until he accepts it and faces it, this will always be a problem in your relationship. Do you love him enough to stand by him and allow him to find out who he wants to be?

[redFlower27]

Hanna250809, as I can see, you are great girl and your bf is simply gay, so nothing wrong with you ...

[Hollyj]

I kind of have softer feelings towards this. I mean, yes he did you wrong, he shouldn't have been doing anything questionable while he was exclusive with you....but how is it fair to call someone a liar in a situation like this?? If he hasn't figured his own sexuality out, doesn't understand it, or flat out won't accept it, why on Earth would he talk to anyone about it? And you asked him point blank if he'd been with men, so he really had two choices: 1.) talk about something he refuses to accept himself, or 2.) lie to you. I can't blame him for lying, I would've too.

 

So, now that we're here...how do you want to proceed? I think you know these issues need to be dealt with in one way or another. I think you also know that it won't be on your time, it'll be when/if he's ready. He may never accept his sexuality, it may always be a taboo topic. I think your best bet is to try to understand with him, as opposed to confronting him. (Again, I realize he did a lot of wrong to you, but realistically if you want to move forward, you're going to have to let that go and try to understand how this all feels for him).

 

If it were me, and my goal was to understand in attempt to move forward together, I would start with asking questions like "are you completely happy with me?" "Do you ever feel like trying something new/different?" "Do you have any curiosity or feelings that you want to explore?" Tell him that you love him, and you just want to make sure that he feels free to be who he his, and be open minded in finding out who he is together.

 

I think until he accepts it and faces it, this will always be a problem in your relationship. Do you love him enough to stand by him and allow him to find out who he wants to be?

 

She asked about it and he lied. He has been with men, and he lied. He has also been active on these sites while with her. He also lied about being with another other woman.He has not

 

He is cheating and has been lying all along.

 

" It turns out he was a member of at least 15 gay dating sites. Not only that but during our relationship he'd been planning to meet up with older (50-75) men to have sex. I read messages between him and a guy he'd hooked up with before me and him got together with details of their sexual relationship. I also found emails between him and this man from during our relationship planning to hook up again. He sent messages saying he was getting on the train "see you in two hours". "

[EternalOptimis]

He wouldn't let me tell any of my friends so I have no one to confide in.

 

Why is this OK for you?

[reinventmyself]

I think he does love me because the reason her says he wants to comitt suicide is because he "can't deal with how much he's hurt me". He treats me well in all other aspects of life and I feel a strong connection between us. I just don't know what to do

 

He threatens to take his life because it works for him. It works in getting you to back down, not leave and stay quiet.

It's not this great love and guilt that makes him threaten suicide. It's his selfishness that does.

[MissCanuck]

I kind of have softer feelings towards this. I mean, yes he did you wrong, he shouldn't have been doing anything questionable while he was exclusive with you....but how is it fair to call someone a liar in a situation like this?? If he hasn't figured his own sexuality out, doesn't understand it, or flat out won't accept it, why on Earth would he talk to anyone about it? And you asked him point blank if he'd been with men, so he really had two choices: 1.) talk about something he refuses to accept himself, or 2.) lie to you. I can't blame him for lying, I would've too.

 

So, now that we're here...how do you want to proceed? I think you know these issues need to be dealt with in one way or another. I think you also know that it won't be on your time, it'll be when/if he's ready. He may never accept his sexuality, it may always be a taboo topic. I think your best bet is to try to understand with him, as opposed to confronting him. (Again, I realize he did a lot of wrong to you, but realistically if you want to move forward, you're going to have to let that go and try to understand how this all feels for him).

 

If it were me, and my goal was to understand in attempt to move forward together, I would start with asking questions like "are you completely happy with me?" "Do you ever feel like trying something new/different?" "Do you have any curiosity or feelings that you want to explore?" Tell him that you love him, and you just want to make sure that he feels free to be who he his, and be open minded in finding out who he is together.

 

I think until he accepts it and faces it, this will always be a problem in your relationship. Do you love him enough to stand by him and allow him to find out who he wants to be?

 

I am operating under the assumption that OP believed they had an exclusive, monogamous relationship. Her boyfriend, however, was not the devoted partner he appeared to be. That, at least in my books, qualifies as a lie. A big one.

 

I think you need to go back and read the OP's description of this man's dishonest behaviour. Setting aside his sexuality for a moment, he was essentially leading a double life and looking for other sex partners and signing up for dating sites behind her back.

 

So I do believe it's quite fair to ascertain that, gay or not, he is a very dishonest and purposefully deceptive person. He misled her to believe he was committed to her. That was just not true. Sorry. That is most definitely a liar.

[indea08]

Yes, I agree he definitely wronged her...but I've never been in a situation where I had such a huge secret that I didn't want to admit it, didn't want anyone else to know, etc. But I'd imagine if I did have such a huge secret, and someone asked me about it directly, I'm pretty confident that I would lie, too. Not because lying is okay, but because what other option do you have if you're not willing to share that information?

 

I've seen someone admit to being gay, but didn't want to be gay...it was definitely not easy for him at all. Yes, the man in OP's life didn't exactly handle it with pure grace, but he may not know how to handle it. I mean, what would I do if I were struggling internally between loving my partner and my life but also needing to experience this completely different life. You can't have both, so you have to let one go in order to have the other...how the he|| do you make that decision?

 

Again, OP, yes he treated you pretty badly. I just think he probably didn't know how to handle it any better. I can't say with 100% certainty that I could've handled it better because I'm not dealing with that struggle and never have, so it's hard for me to roast him.