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I could not agree with you more.

 

My now wife wouldn't date me for a few month because of the reputation I had. I would get in a lot of fights but I would never get into it with an unwilling participent. We would just have parties and drunken fight/box with our group of friends. Also some light drug use and alcohol played its role there too.

 

I also speak what I think and that contributed to people's perception of me.

 

But those things really have no baring on how I behave in a relationship. I had friends that were considered "great guys" that have treated their SO terrible. I put my SO above everyone else in the world so it makes sense that I don't really care if someone thinks I'm good or bad, only what my wife thinks matters to me.

 

I think being a "bad boy" helps me focus all my attention of my wife and not care how others think about pretty much anything. She also sees how much of a papa bear I am with our children and is glad of my tough side.

 

My wife is also a giant sweetheart that wouldn't hurt a feather. It gives is a very balanced dynamic.

 

I also feel that you can't assume how people are in a relationship unless you are in one with that person. My wife frequently has people ask her why she tolerates me. She normally just doesnt even respond. She says no one who has ever asked her that has seemed anywhere close to as happy as we are.

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Wow! Thankful you didn’t take the bait. 

In the shower this morning, it occurred to me that it might be useful for me to shift my outlook a little. I did this once before, when I was in my early 20s. I liked sleeping in and avoiding res

Ah, this phrase.... it brings back a memory that still cracks me up to this day. When I was in my late 20s, my ex boyfriend and I were interested in paintball. Our interest started while we were

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My wife frequently has people ask her why she tolerates me.

 

Wow! Rude!

 

I don't think I would respond, either!

 

I think being a "bad boy" helps me focus all my attention of my wife and not care how others think about pretty much anything.

 

Yes, as far as I'm concerned independent thought is a very attractive quality. I think that's what the allure has been for me.

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I was in a meeting today with this girl in my department. We don't work together a whole lot. I've made some effort to be friendly towards her because 1) we are in a very male-dominated field, and 2) I like to get along with the people that I work with. I've been pretty successful in this effort. We chit-chat here and there, carpool when the group is going out to lunch, etc.

 

But I was in this meeting with her today, and DAMN she is a pain in the ass! I don't know what it is with her. If you ask her if she's read something, she acts like you're accusing her of being lazy or avoiding responsibility. If you ask her to clarify something, she just repeats herself over and over, verbatim. It's really stressful. No wonder she works alone most of the time!!!

 

Well, I've been working with this girl for the last month. We've had our ups and downs, but she does do quality work so it's easy for me to cut her some slack. And I can tell that she doesn't mean to be a pain in the ass. I think part of the 'problem' (if you can call it that) is that she's strictly a linear thinker. You can't jump around with her. She needs to plod through and complete every sentence. Unfortunately, the poor thing is beset on all sides by ADHD maniacs like myself.

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This is how much I've never been into marriage:

 

About 11 - 12 years ago (holy cow) I met this guy Tom online. He was born and raised in Bulgaria. We went out and hit it off pretty well.

 

He had two master's degrees and a good job as director of finance for a small pharmaceutical company. He got to take a private jet when travelling to and from his company's headquarters in another state. Headhunters attempted to recruit him for financial positions in other major pharmaceutical companies. All of his friends, also from Eastern European countries, were investment bankers. When we first met, he was living in an apartment, but he bought a townhouse within a week or two and was able to put $100K down. In short, he had a really good resume.

 

He was 29 and I was 28. He looking for a wife, and I was apparently on the fast track to that position. In the four months that we dated, I met all of his friends, plus he flew his brother and his mother in to meet me. At the time, I assumed that I wanted to marry. I didn't know whether I wanted to marry him or not, but I liked him and was willing to give things a go. I was certainly not in any kind of rush.

 

Well, as I said, it lasted about four months. As a person, I admired him, his pragmatism, and his accomplishments. But relationship-wise, he was no fun. I didn't realize it then, but looking back I see that he was controlling and self-centered. I just don't naturally gravitate towards that sort of environment. After our break up, we talked a little here and there. We even hung out once or twice. I think he thought that we would have an on-again/off-again thing until we finally decided to marry. That's what his brother did. But I don't work that way. When I told him that I started seeing someone else, he cut off communication.

 

Anyway, I bring it up because now that all of this time has passed, I see from my behavior in this relationship that marriage was never a goal for me. This would have been an ideal person to marry: financially secure, responsible, marriage- and family-minded. We had different dispositions, but we respected each other and I think we could have made it work. But I didn't care to make it work because I had no reason to. Marriage and family has never been a driving force for me.

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Two Saturdays ago, I went to the wedding of one of my high school friends. My boyfriend and I knew lots of people there from when we were in HS, so we had fun reminiscing (and reeling over how much time had passed).

 

There was a guy at the wedding who I haven't seen in probably 15 years. His name is Tim, and my friends and I used to hang out with him and his friends when we were 17-18 yo and they were 21+ yo. He dated my friend Alicia for about 4 years. They had the most dramatic relationship. Always fighting.

 

I lost touch with Tim after HS, but ran into him again when I was in my mid-20s. I'd always known Tim was a heavy drinker, but this time I could see that he was an alcoholic. We hung out once or twice, but I felt sorry for him and therefore avoided him until he disappeared. It's hard for me to tolerate people that I don't respect.

 

Last weekend, I saw him again after probably 15 years. He looked really old, and was (unsurprisingly) still a heavy drinker. I learned that he'd been married for about 8 years, had two children under 10, and was in the process of divorcing his wife. I also learned that he was secretly dating a married mutual friend of ours (Jessica), who was conspicuously absent from the wedding that night.

 

I don't know what is going on with Jessica. We're friends, but other people are closer friends with her than I am. I hear a lot of strange things about Jessica. A few years ago, I heard that she was a huge pill-head. But the next time I saw her, she seemed very normal. Some time after that, she invited me and my boyfriend to hang out with her and her ex boyfriend. I declined because I felt weird about hanging out with her ex when I knew she was married and knew her husband. A month or two later, I got a frantic phone call from Jessica. She'd told her husband she was hanging out with me, but he'd just seen me somewhere without her. She was cheating on her husband and using me as a cover!! Not long after that, I got an apology text from her saying that she'd never cheated on her husband, but that she'd thought about it, and that she never should have put me on the spot like that. Then, for a while, she didn't pull any crap and I started thinking she was normal again.

 

Well, apparently not. She has a secret life where she's been seeing Tim for 9 months. Tim was surprised that none of us knew that they were seeing each other. Apparently, she'd told him that all of us knew!! Jessica is some kind of DEEP liar. A few weeks ago, she made this big thing about never receiving an invitation to the wedding--to the point where the bride photographed the invitation and basically said, "Here, you're invited." During the wedding reception, Jessica group-texted me and my friends saying she was still at work, and how's the wedding. Then she texted that she was on her way. It was after this that I found out about her and Tim. So when she didn't show up at all, I realized she'd been setting everyone up for weeks.

 

Like anyone even cared!! It's so frickin weird and unnecessary.

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The level of drama blows my mind. Life is complicated enough.

 

She's bipolar, like her mom. When she's in a manic phase, she can alienate a whole room of people without realizing it. Then there are periods of time when she disappears. There's always a place for her in my life because she's my friend. But admit that I avoid her, a lot.

 

The possible pill-popping and the lying add this whole new layer of crap. I'm just thankful that we don't live close to each other and that I'm not on Instaface or Facetagram to see this nonsense play out.

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During my relationship with the aforementioned Bulgarian (we shall call him Tom), I was also talking to another guy (hereafter referred to as Ben). I wasn't seeing Ben; I was just talking to him on the phone. But I didn't tell Tom about it. The thing is, I had met both of them online around the same time. I went out with both of them. I don't really remember why I chose Tom over Ben, but I think it probably boiled down to Tom seeming less stressed out than Ben. He was more open and outgoing. And let's face it, he was a little more attractive. Ben, on the other hand, seemed pensive. Almost bitter. He was 35 and hadn't had a relationship last longer than four months (I didn't judge him for that, because I wasn't a hell of a lot better, but it comes into play later).

 

But Ben kept calling. After a few phone calls, he really opened up. It turned out he was funny--and I like to laugh, so the conversations sometimes lasted for hours. One day, my uncle was involved in a terrible accident. He was in a coma and we weren't sure if he was going to make it. Tom expressed sympathy. But Ben showed sympathy and support. He spent a lot of time listening, and it was so helpful to me. It changed the way I thought about Ben. And Tom. But I was in a relationship with Tom, and I felt I needed to see it through before I started anything with Ben.

 

A month or two later, I broke up with Tom. I waited a month to clear my head. Then I started dating Ben. Things were great in the beginning. He cleaned his whole apartment the first time I came over, had flowers for me.* He was still upbeat and funny. But then things started to change. The first time I noticed it was when we were about to go to Ikea for his apartment. I said something like, "Oooh, I have such a good idea for your kitchen." The moment those words came out of my mouth, I knew I'd said something wrong. I could see him stiffen just a bit, and I felt like I had somehow overstepped my bounds.

 

This became a common theme in our relationship. But I was able to overlook it at first because the relationship was going well otherwise. We talked often, went out, met each other's friends, family, developed routines. Normal relationship things.

 

Since he lived about an hour away, I started to spend the weekends there. Unsurprisingly, the undercurrent of frustration became more noticeable. And it seemed to be pointed at me. Nothing I did made him him happy. Quite the reverse, actually. Everything had some sort of flaw in it. He wasn't abusive. He didn't yell or carry on. He was just quietly uptight and judgmental. This cast a shadow on every single experience once the initial charm of the relationship wore off. He judged me on little things related to music and beer and other types of nonsense. It was mildly annoying. I remember one day I was trying to find somewhere to recycle a can, and he said, "Oh, I didn't think you cared about those kinds of things." I was like, who does this guy think I am? How is he with me all this time and clueless? Another time, I got him to try sushi. He didn't like it and actually seemed to blame me for giving him a bad experience! But whenever I asked, he always denied that anything was wrong. It was difficult to press the matter because the situations seemed so innocuous when I brought them up. His sense of humor, however, was totally gone.

 

Now this is stupid, but I didn't want to break up with him because I really wanted him to get past that four-month wall. So what I did was suggest that we cut our weekends short--one night instead of two. That seemed to alleviate some of the pressure. But it didn't really fix things.

 

At around the 7-month mark, I had to fly out to Arizona because my dad was in the hospital. Even though the circumstances were very stressful, I felt relieved to be away from Ben, like I could breathe again. While we were waiting in the hospital, I met my stepmother's sister. She was a nurse, and she'd flown in all the way from New York to be an advocate for my dad. Really nice lady. Anyway, she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told her all about Ben. Then I added, "He's not The One." She understood. I realized then that the relationship had gone far enough. When I got back to New Jersey, I broke up with Ben. He was upset. I don't think he saw it coming. I think he was in denial about his frustration and anger issues.

 

I bring this experience up, because I sometimes see guys posting about how their relationships never seem to last past five months, six months, etc. They're doing everything right, but then the girl just abruptly ends the relationship. Then I see these same guys posting judgmental things about women. Nothing socially unacceptable, but negative things that make women seem shallow, materialistic, and opportunistic. I don't think these guys perceive themselves ans angry or judgmental. But when you're on the receiving end of it, you can see it. Gentlemen, you can hide it for a while, but it always comes through. So if you are someone who continuously hits road blocks in your quest for a long term relationship, examine your beliefs and ask yourself if you'd like people to say those types of things about you.

 

 

_____________

*Funny thing is, just a few years earlier, these gestures would have sent me running and screaming for the hills. I don't know how or why I changed. Maybe I just learned to appreciate kindness.

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XM-Sirius channel 18 is a "special" channel that focuses on one particular artist. It usually lasts a few weeks and then changes. The first time I heard it, the station focused on Billy Joel. It was so great to listen to. He was very popular when I was growing up. It seemed like the radio always played his music, and I always enjoyed listening. The XM station was great. He shared the stories behind some of his songs, what he was going for with certain sounds. He is actually a very insightful and knowledgeable guy.

 

The Billy Joel channel lasted for a couple of weeks. Then they played Neil Diamond. Not as interesting. I've always liked his singing voice, but the content was kind of meh. After Neil Diamond, the station focused on Bon Jovi and was completely unlistenable. I think the station is now focusing on The Beatles and has been for months, it seems. It is also unlistenable. Fortunately for me, they've brought back a new Billy Joel station on channel 4. I can't believe how addicted to it I've become! I want to listen to other stuff, but I'm just so dang interested...

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This is how much I've never been into marriage:

 

About 11 - 12 years ago (holy cow) I met this guy Tom online. He was born and raised in Bulgaria. We went out and hit it off pretty well.

 

He had two master's degrees and a good job as director of finance for a small pharmaceutical company. He got to take a private jet when travelling to and from his company's headquarters in another state. Headhunters attempted to recruit him for financial positions in other major pharmaceutical companies. All of his friends, also from Eastern European countries, were investment bankers. When we first met, he was living in an apartment, but he bought a townhouse within a week or two and was able to put $100K down. In short, he had a really good resume.

 

He was 29 and I was 28. He looking for a wife, and I was apparently on the fast track to that position. In the four months that we dated, I met all of his friends, plus he flew his brother and his mother in to meet me. At the time, I assumed that I wanted to marry. I didn't know whether I wanted to marry him or not, but I liked him and was willing to give things a go. I was certainly not in any kind of rush.

 

Well, as I said, it lasted about four months. As a person, I admired him, his pragmatism, and his accomplishments. But relationship-wise, he was no fun. I didn't realize it then, but looking back I see that he was controlling and self-centered. I just don't naturally gravitate towards that sort of environment. After our break up, we talked a little here and there. We even hung out once or twice. I think he thought that we would have an on-again/off-again thing until we finally decided to marry. That's what his brother did. But I don't work that way. When I told him that I started seeing someone else, he cut off communication.

 

Anyway, I bring it up because now that all of this time has passed, I see from my behavior in this relationship that marriage was never a goal for me. This would have been an ideal person to marry: financially secure, responsible, marriage- and family-minded. We had different dispositions, but we respected each other and I think we could have made it work. But I didn't care to make it work because I had no reason to. Marriage and family has never been a driving force for me.

 

Hey Jibralta,

 

Just seen you've started up a journal, I'm reading! It's great!

 

One observation I made from your above post is that when you list all the great qualities regarding why this guy would have been such a great catch to marry, you never mention love in any of this, and I think that is the true reason you never jumped into his arms (or, private jet shall we say!) and went off into the sunset with him.

 

Tell me if I'm presuming too much or being too bold, I don't want to get out of my place, just an observation.

 

Great journal though.

 

Lo x

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One observation I made from your above post is that when you list all the great qualities regarding why this guy would have been such a great catch to marry, you never mention love in any of this, and I think that is the true reason you never jumped into his arms (or, private jet shall we say!) and went off into the sunset with him.

 

That is a really interesting observation. It makes me draw a complete blank--maybe it hits close to home! I have to think about it a little.

 

Don't be knocking the Beatles channel. It has only been a couple of months...

 

I like the Beatles. I just don't know why I can't get into that station!

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I spent the summer of 2009 in Italy, as part of graduate school. I wrote this shortly after I returned. I just ran across it again and figured I'd post it. I had completely forgotten about it, and enjoyed rediscovering this memory.

_______________________________

 

I miss strange odds and ends. For example, I miss Euros. Every night, I’d sort my coins into piles of 1.2 Euro for coffee the next morning. There was a good-looking guy at the coffee shop who I flirted with every day. His name was Raf (short for Rafael, I guess). He spoke almost no English, and I spoke even less Italian, but it was nice. When the time came to leave Siena, I figured I had to tell him good-bye. I was surprised at how sad I felt. In fact, when I worked out the statement in Italian (Parto mercoledi. Il mio giorno ultimo e domani—I leave on Wednesday. Tomorrow is my last day), I felt tears come to my eyes! Was this because of him?

 

Uggh, the idea of crying while saying good-bye to a near-stranger was horrifying—especially because he was cute. Unfortunately, it also seemed very likely, as I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye. So on the Monday before I left, I walked resolutely up the hill, prepared to announce my imminent departure. When I got there, only the tough Italian lady (Lydia) was working. Excellent! She was nice and tough, and she didn’t care about me at all. I knew I wouldn’t cry telling her I was going to leave!

 

So that’s what I did, hoping that she would tell Raf. And that’s what she did. When I returned that afternoon for a cappuccino, he was there. With little preamble he asked me if I was leaving tomorrow (Tuesday). I don’t remember if he spoke in Italian or English. With some combination of both languages, we came to the understanding that I was leaving Siena on Wednesday. He asked if I would be going to America, and I said yes. He asked me if I would return to Siena, and I shrugged and said, “I don’t know,” in English. He turned around abruptly and I couldn’t tell if he understood me.

 

I wanted to say to him that I’d miss Siena, that I’d miss seeing him, that I wished I could have known him better, but I didn’t know how to say any of that. All I could do was hope that my expression somehow conveyed it when we made eye contact. He was working, of course, and moving around talking to people, so it wasn’t like we were just standing there staring at each other. When there were opportunities to exchange glances, I forced myself to look at him. He looked back at me, but he didn’t wink or smile at me, and he didn’t stop to talk again. He looked unhappy. I felt unhappy.

 

I glanced at Lydia, and I saw that she knew exactly what was going on! Her expression was sympathetic. I felt embarrassed, and I wondered if our flirting had been obvious the whole month! I honestly didn’t think that it was noticeable. I felt “caught,” but the situation was what it was. Why hide?

 

Raf walked away, and she came over to me and spoke in Italian. She told me that Raf’s name was Raf. I told her I knew. She gestured to him and said something with the word ragazzo (young man) but I didn’t really understand. I looked over to see if Raf had anything to say, but he was marching around looking very stoic with his back to us most of the time. She gestured towards him again and tried to elaborate on her meaning. I still didn’t understand. Finally, she pointed at him and exclaimed, “BEAUTIFUL!” The man next to me laughed, and I laughed too and said, “Yes!” loudly so that Raf would hear me. But he did not turn around.

 

I saw Raf one more time, on the following afternoon. He waved at me when I came in, and he said goodbye very kindly when I left, but he didn’t take the opportunity to talk to me, even during the brief moment when no one was in the shop but us. While he stood there and occupied himself with his job, I pretended not to care, too. As I left, I almost didn’t say good bye. I was pissed off. But at the last moment, I looked over my shoulder at him and said “Ciao.” He looked up at me, and his expression and tone were earnest when he said “Ciao” back.

 

As I walked back down to the dorm, I really wanted to turn around and march back up there and…. and do what? Say what? That’s the thing, that’s the dilemma. There really was nothing to say.

 

Anyway, when I count my quarters into dollars, I remember counting my Euros for coffee, and I miss them.

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This is just a rough outline of an idea, so bear with me.

 

It seems to me that there are two types of people in a work environment: schmoozers and workers. The schmoozers are basically salespeople. They sell inside of the company and outside of the company. The workers are the people who get the job done. The schmoozers make the promise and the workers deliver the goods.

 

These are just two very broad categories that represent opposite ends of a spectrum of possibilities. There are gradations between the two extremes. The concept can be generally applied to all types of business.

 

I think there's a value inherent in both types of person, but for my own development, I want to stay with the workers for as long as possible. And I want to find the best of the best workers to be around, because that is how I learn. The trick is not to be lured in by schmoozers who claim that they are the best.

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This is just a rough outline of an idea, so bear with me.

 

It seems to me that there are two types of people in a work environment schmoozers and workers. The schmoozers are basically salespeople. They sell inside of the company and outside of the company. The workers are the people who get the job done. The schmoozers make the promise and the workers deliver the goods. [/b]

 

These are just two very broad categories that represent opposite ends of a spectrum of possibilities. There are gradations between the two extremes. The concept can be generally applied to all types of business.

 

I think there's a value inherent in both types of person, but for my own development, I want to stay with the workers for as long as possible. And I want to find the best of the best workers to be around, because that is how I learn. The trick is not to be lured in by schmoozers who claim that they are the best.

I can't agree more. This why i feel scientists and engineers are the "stupid" in this case. Salesmen and managers make the money and the decisions and the workers are mere ... workers....

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I can't agree more. This why i feel scientists and engineers are the "stupid" in this case. Salesmen and managers make the money and the decisions and the workers are mere ... workers....

I am a chemist for a lab and the only other people I work with are engineers aside from scientists. I am very curious what you mean?

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I am a chemist for a lab and the only other people I work with are engineers aside from scientists. I am very curious what you mean?

 

I mean as an engineer or a scientist, you just do whatever other people tell you to do. Other people-->salesmen and manager etc. You don't make any decisions yourself.

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I mean as an engineer or a scientist, you just do whatever other people tell you to do. Other people-->salesmen and manager etc. You don't make any decisions yourself.

Well we fix problems. I get told a problem and am asked for a solution. I love my job because of the creativity involved with fixing random issues.

 

I make a lot of decisions as do most the lab and engie staff.

Edited by thealchemist
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All of the above is true, if that makes any sense.

 

I can be as creative as I want as an architect. But at the end of the day, someone else is reaping the profits of my innovation.

 

It's not bad if you're being creative for people that you like. But when you have no respect for them (how I feel right now), it is difficult.

 

To be clear, I love my immediate bosses and am glad to work for them. But our company was acquired by another company several years ago, and I think the new company put the wrong people in charge. It should have been the two guys that I work for. They each have over 38 years of experience in the industry, and ran the most profitable division in the office. But instead, we have these slippery salesmen types in charge.

 

Right from the beginning, I thought it was a weird choice. But I was excited to be working for the new company, and I kept an open mind about it. I worked for the old company for less than a year before we were absorbed, so I wasn't a die-hard loyalist. But three years later, I can see where the talent is, and it's not in our new leadership. These guys only seem interested in chasing publicity. They're front and center for all of the town meetings, but they don't actually deliver sht and are a huge burden on the rest of us because we have to compensate for their incompetence. Thoroughly unimpressive.

 

I wonder what political force controls this company, and how far does it pervade? I don't necessarily want to alienate it, but I don't want to work for it, either. I have to be careful who I work for.

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It seems so common ^. Finding parasites high up and/ or at the helm of companies and organizations ( including non profits and government ).

 

Follow the money and you will know who the creeps are. It ALWAYS comes down to money.

 

I'd go so far as to say... there are workers, and parasites . Just like in the animal kingdom, parasites on the backs where there is something to be had. Schmoozers can sometimes be workers , but often, schmoozers are not.

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