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Thoughts, Rants, and Musings


Jibralta
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Back in September (post #26) I wrote about some trials and tribulations that I experienced with the mentoring program that I am participating in. Basically, I felt like the mentee, Bill, was overwhelmed and intimidated by the path ahead of him. His communication dwindled, and I didn't know how to help him push through the fear. So, I backed off. I called him once more to keep our monthly meeting, and he didn't answer. So I didn't keep the meeting after that. I felt a little bad about giving up, but I'm not going to beat a dead horse.

 

Frankly, I felt a lot better after I gave up on him.

 

This was, however, an unofficial resignation. I had an uh-oh moment when, a couple weeks later, the program coordinator emailed both of us and asked how things were going. Bill responded positively. I just sort of rolled my eyes at that and responded with a neutral, "I'm here to help." Which I still was, if he decided to put some effort into things again.

 

He didn't.

 

A couple weeks after that, the program coordinator contacted me and asked how things were going with Bill. I told her that I hadn't heard from him since October. She said she would reach out to him and see if he responded. I got the feeling that he had stopped communicating with her as well, which is why she reached out to me. Three weeks later, she told me that she still hadn't heard from Bill, and that she was giving him two weeks to respond before she terminated the mentorship.

 

He didn't respond, and she terminated the mentorship. She asked me if I wanted to start a new mentorship or take a break. I agreed to start a new mentorship. What the hell. It's like almost no work, and it could help someone. So she matched me up with a new guy, Alan. I haven't spoken to him yet, but I read his profile and liked what I saw. Very no-B.S. We exchanged emails and plan to talk next week. Hopefully, I can be of some help to him.

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I am composing my response for my raise. I want to ask for another 10% on top of what they gave me (3.75%). A couple years ago, I asked for 11% and they gave it to me. I regretted not asking for more. But man, I am scared! This will be the second time I've asked for a large increase. Yes, it's just a question, but it's also kind of brazen. I fear it will backfire in some way. But why should they be angry if I ask? I'm just looking out for my own interest, as they are. And I do top-notch quality work. I know this because I see what other people do. Argggh, angst.

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This is something I would like to think about some more.

 

It is important to recognize the connection between our emotions and our thoughts. They create a feedback loop. We are not victims of our emotions or our thoughts -- they give us information that we can use to understand ourselves and choose a course of action. Sometimes - often - the first and most powerful course of action is to reconsider how we are framing the event that set us off.

 

A neutral example is the topic of death. When we lose someone, we have a choice to focus on what we lost, or the gift of what we had and what we retain. Its up to us to choose which thoughts to tell ourselves.

 

Similarly when we meet someone new -- of course it is a pleasure to meet someone and enjoy them and find them attractive. Those thoughts are counterbalanced by the knowledge that their character is unknown to us and untested, and won't be tested for a number of months. Holding those two thoughts in balance, we enjoy the moment without creating an expectation of the future.

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I am composing my response for my raise. I want to ask for another 10% on top of what they gave me (3.75%). A couple years ago, I asked for 11% and they gave it to me. I regretted not asking for more. But man, I am scared! This will be the second time I've asked for a large increase. Yes, it's just a question, but it's also kind of brazen. I fear it will backfire in some way. But why should they be angry if I ask? I'm just looking out for my own interest, as they are. And I do top-notch quality work. I know this because I see what other people do. Argggh, angst.

 

 

Sending some positive vibes your way. Let us know how it goes.

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My boyfriend and I both got Ancestry DNA kits for Christmas. I mailed my sample tube out the very next morning. He still hasn't done anything with his.

 

This morning, he held up the kit and said, "I need to do this."

 

I said, "I know. Why don't you just do it already?"

 

He said, "I don't know." He put the kit down on the table. Then he said, "What if we find out we're related?"

 

This is a joke between us because I'm adopted, and you really never know who you're related to when you're adopted (well, I don't). The joke is, hey, we're not having kids, so who cares?

 

So today, he says, "What if we find out we're related?" and even though it's a joke, I mean, it could happen and we both know it.

 

I said, "We just won't tell anyone." And then I thought and said, "And one of us will have to delete our profile on Ancestry.com." And I gave him a big smile.

 

He still hasn't done his Ancestry kit, though.

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The general contractor's assistant project manager (Mike) is a friendly guy. He's young, basically right out of college. Sometimes I run into him when I'm walking around the site, and we get to chatting. Today, we were talking about heavy equipment, and he said that he'd tried operating one of the excavators, but it was a lot more difficult than it looked. He explained, "It's like that old Flash game, where you have to make the guy run, but it's really hard because you have to push buttons to move his legs and arms."

 

I was like, "I think I know what you mean. It's not reflexive; you have to think about the move more than you ordinarily would."

 

Mike was like, "You know that game, right? The Flash game? What was it called? Quap, or something."

 

I shook my head, "No." He didn't accept this answer.

 

"Yeah you do," he said. "Q-W-O-P, it was. The Flash game. You know it. Everyone played it in high school."

 

I thought, high school? Then I said, "Dude. I graduated in 1995. There was no internet!" I laughed (yes, I know there really was an internet).

 

He was like, "Oh yeah!"

 

And then we talked a little about the ever-changing face of technology (he still used a pen for some things in high school, but his sister only uses a tablet now) as we made our ways back to our respective trailers.

 

Anyway, it's sort of nice when people think I'm younger than I am. Though if I pass for a 20-something, I surely look like one hard-living 20-something--certainly nothing like myself at 25-30. Lord, I remember when I used to wake up adorable and wonder what people meant by "morning face." Now my whole life is one big morning face.

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Lord, I remember when I used to wake up adorable and wonder what people meant by "morning face." Now my whole life is one big morning face.

 

That cracked me up. Especially in light of SL staying the night and insisting on standing behind me at 5:30am this morning drinking his coffee, while I put on my makeup in my 20x magnification mirror. I ran him off. There are just some things people don't need to see.

He's probably scarred now and can't erase the vision I left him with before he drove off.

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I got my Ancestry DNA results this morning. I am 44% British, 28% Western European, 8% Irish/Scottish/Welsh, 8% Spanish, and 5% Scandinavian. Well, I always knew I was really, really white. Ha ha. But I guess I can now also say that sailing is probably in my blood. Lol.

 

There is very little overlap with my adoptive mother’s genetic profile. She is almost entirely Greco-Roman and Middle Eastern.

 

But really, the most amazing thing is seeing my genetic relatives. The very first person I saw was John Doe (not his real name), relationship “parent, child—immediate family member.” And under that, it said “John Doe is your father.”

 

Must admit, I was kinda floored.

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I got my Ancestry DNA results this morning. I am 44% British, 28% Western European, 8% Irish/Scottish/Welsh, 8% Spanish, and 5% Scandinavian. Well, I always knew I was really, really white. Ha ha. But I guess I can now also say that sailing is probably in my blood. Lol.

 

There is very little overlap with my adoptive mother’s genetic profile. She is almost entirely Greco-Roman and Middle Eastern.

 

But really, the most amazing thing is seeing my genetic relatives. The very first person I saw was John Doe (not his real name), relationship “parent, child—immediate family member.” And under that, it said “John Doe is your father.”

 

Must admit, I was kinda floored.

 

Whoa. Did you know, previously, the identity of your birth father? And even if you did, striking that the DNA test identified and named him in its report back to you.

 

It never struck me that the testing companies accumulate so much information and use to better illuminate future testing results.

 

Mind blowing potential. Like making the first dictionary.

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No, I had no idea!

 

I am currently corresponding with someone who might be my brother. I think he is still in disbelief. I don’t think anyone other than my biological parents and grandparents know about me. I was a teenage pregnancy and am probably a big secret!

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I got my Ancestry DNA results this morning. I am 44% British, 28% Western European, 8% Irish/Scottish/Welsh, 8% Spanish, and 5% Scandinavian. Well, I always knew I was really, really white. Ha ha. But I guess I can now also say that sailing is probably in my blood. Lol.

 

There is very little overlap with my adoptive mother’s genetic profile. She is almost entirely Greco-Roman and Middle Eastern.

 

But really, the most amazing thing is seeing my genetic relatives. The very first person I saw was John Doe (not his real name), relationship “parent, child—immediate family member.” And under that, it said “John Doe is your father.

 

Must admit, I was kinda floored.

So the British/Irish you've been told was pretty accurate!

 

Didn't you know who is your real father?

 

I am intrigued. Although I know my ancestry I would like to try the test! From which company did you buy the ancestry kit?

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So the British/Irish you've been told was pretty accurate!

 

Yeah. Less Irish than I thought, but it's pretty interesting to see on a map. I never realized how close all of those countries were to each other in terms of waterways.

 

Didn't you know who is your real father?

 

Nope. I was adopted when I was only days old. I know my biological mother's name (I think), but I've never met her. My biological father never signed the adoption papers. My understanding has been that he abandoned my biological mother when he learned that she was pregnant. Doesn't say too much for him. Now he's going to have to explain that to his other kids.

 

I am intrigued. Although I know my ancestry I would like to try the test! From which company did you buy the ancestry kit?

 

Totally understandable. My mom and my step-father both did theirs, and they know their ancestry as well.

 

I got the kit from Ancestry.com. It was actually a Christmas gift, so I didn't visit the site until after I'd acquired the kit. But I'm sure that if you visit the site, you will figure out how to order it.

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You were never interested in meeting your biological parents? I do understand that you might have resentment towards them but just out of curiosity. You know, see what kind of people they are etc

 

PS. From the picture you posted my guess about the 28% Western European is that it's either German or Dutch. You don't seem like French!

Edited by dias
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I've always been interested in meeting them. And I don't have any resentment at all, really. When I saw my father on there, my heart just melted and I pretty much forgot what I was told about him. It was only when I spoke to my mom later on that she reminded me that he was not part of the adoption process.

 

I was born in Texas, and it is very difficult to gain access to adoption records in that state. I could hire a detective, but I'm not sure how much money that would be. And I'm not sure who the best detectives are. Searching online, everyone claims to be the best!

 

There are other considerations, too. I don't know any of the circumstances surrounding my conception. My biological mother was 16 when she had me. I naturally assumed that I was the child of two teenagers. But obviously, I could be the result of something awful, like rape or incest. Would I want to revisit that on my biological mother? How would my biological father's family feel about that?

 

Assuming the happier option, that I am the offspring of two crazy kids, there are still possible complications. For example, being a teenage pregnancy I was probably a bit of a secret. My biological parents and grandparents knew about me. But did they tell the rest of my family?

 

Also, I expect that my biological parents went their separate ways after my conception. Eventually, they probably started their own families. Maybe they didn't tell their spouse, or their children. It could be very awkward if I contacted them under those circumstances.

 

Finally, my adoptive mom has always been sensitive about me wanting to find my biological parents. She's never liked the idea of me finding my "real" parents. She feels like it is a threat to her "real" parenthood, which I don't understand at all. But emotions can't always be explained.

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Well, it's definitely complicated. But your adoptive mom's feelings are understandable in a way since she raised you as you were her child. Makes sense to feel threatened by your biological parents. Probably she thinks something like " Oh if she meets her biological parents she will stop considering me as her mother".

 

On the other hand, if I were you I would search for my parents for sure. Hiring a detective is the best solution in order not to create a mess. If you start asking questions in the end you will find your parents and your siblings but you don't know how they will react. Hmm... you are a curious person Jibs, I think you will find a way!

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Well, I've already reached out to my biological dad on Ancestry, and also to several close relatives that appear to be siblings. Someone who may be my brother has replied, and we've been exchanging emails all day. I hope that reaching out to these people doesn't stir up too much sht for them. But at the end of the day, I didn't conceive myself.

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I have a friend that went through something similar and her story is what movies are made of.

 

Her father and his 5 adult kids have embraced her and she just flew out to another state for the third time to spend the holidays with them.

They are all over the moon with the knowledge they have another sibling. The father and oldest brother were in town over the summer and I got to meet them.

 

She was a product of a teenage pregnancy. The mother declined contact and moved to another state to finish out her pregnancy.

She never told the father, but in a small town that was the rumor.

 

Keep us posted!

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As of right now, no updates. I haven't heard back from the brother that I was communicating with, and the other brother blocked me (I think that's odd, because he is a doctor and I would expect him to be more rational). The father and the sister haven't responded. It's disappointing. But I pretty much dropped a bomb on that family and god knows what they're feeling right now. I myself am pretty suspicious of people I don't know. Why should I expect my blood-relatives to act any differently?

 

Another thing: I've gone through my entire life knowing that I am adopted and coping with all of the implications associated with it. I've always known that I have relatives that I may never meet, parents, brothers, sisters, cousins. If somebody contacted me out of the blue and said they were my father/mother/sibling, it wouldn't be earth-shattering. I'm kind of prepared. But, with the exception of bio-dad, my bio-siblings were probably not prepared. This is probably a brand-new set of problems for them.

 

And bio-dad may not have been prepared, either. From what I understand, his paternity was never proven and he's probably not on the birth certificate. He may not have known about me. But seeing as I was born in the same city where he raised his children from infancy to adulthood, chances are that he knew. Until now, he may have thought he escaped an unpleasant situation. Sorry, Pops.

 

I did a little internet-sleuthing last night and learned that my bio-siblings are all younger than me. Our father married their mother a couple years after I was born. Their mom passed away in July. She was well-loved, and devoted to her family. I found pictures of them, and they all look very happy. It was nice to see. I can't tell if I look like the dad. I don't think I look anything like the siblings. They don't even look like each other. If it wasn't for this DNA test, I'd think we were all adopted.

 

My hope is that one day, we can all meet and get to know each other. But I am going to leave it up to them to make the next move. I've lived without them for almost 41 years, so it's really no skin off my back.

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