I don't think I can trust him - bad past relationships and cheating

[Lovelavie]

Ok, so after a year being single, I finally found a guy who just clicked. He fell in love with me very quickly, but I took my time, I always want to see what the person's interest is before jumping in. We have a lot of friends in common and we already knew each other but never really talked. Just last week he asked me to make it official between us and I said yes, even though I kind of felt I wasn't really ready.

 

I've had some concerns about him. He's been in two relationships and both of them he cheated. Last year he slept with a LOT of women, a number I just can't really get over. He tried to get back with his ex, which was the only girl he ever loved before me only 4 months ago and this week we got in a huge fight because I found some lies and I find myself not knowing if I can trust him.

 

He has treated me like a princess and to be honest has been the only guy in this entire year being single that actually treated me nicely, who actually made me want to continue. It's weird to think I got involved with so many guys that treated me like I was worth nothing, I was really losing hope and did NOT want a relationship, I was very happy single. But being with him makes me happier, but I still feel insecure with all of this. After the fight we had, he apologized a lot of times, he gave me flowers, I knew he regretted it. But the fact that he lied to me right in the beginning about something so stupid and that he's cheated on the only two girlfriends he's had and the fact that he's slept with a lot of women makes me rethink it all.

 

I do like him and I know he's head over heels for me, I can tell he's committed and that he's willing to make it work with me, saying he'll never mess up with me like he did in the past with other people... but I can't help but think: once a cheater always a cheater. I really don't mind being single, I used to be afraid of breaking up because I'd be alone, but honestly, I'd rather be alone than feel insecure. I do wish we stay together and that I can trust him someday... I just don't know if that's ever gonna happen and it will result in us breaking up.

[reinventmyself]

You sound like you are grateful that he is kind to you. That shouldn't be a novelty, that should be a given.

I get when you have come off a string of bad relationships someone being nice to you feels good.

BUT

He's lied to you and you don't trust him. Given that he's has a history of cheating and now lying to you on top of that negates all the flowers

and sweet nothings that he has to offer.

You mention more than once how much he cares for you but I don't hear you equally caring for him.

I think you like the fact that you are`cared for'.

That's ok, most of us do. But it's not what relationships are built from.

 

You admit you went forward before you were ready and when things should be at their best you are already feeling unsure and insecure.

 

I would cut this one loose before you go any further and become more attached.

I don't think it's a mystery why you came here asking these questions. I think you already know the answer.

 

Hold out for someone that treats you like a princess and you can trust.

He just sounds like he is charming you so you will over look his glaring flaws.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately a lot of red flags and drama for being official for just one week, no? It sounds like the ex is still in the picture and he's given you fair warning that he's a cheater and fancies himself a player.

 

It also sounds like too much too soon. Try to stop being dazzled by the "princess treatment". It's all part of what cheaters and players do.

last week he asked me to make it official between us. He tried to get back with his ex, which was the only girl he ever loved before me only 4 months ago and this week we got in a huge fight because I found some lies and I find myself not knowing if I can trust him. But the fact that he lied to me right in the beginning about something so stupid and that he's cheated on the only two girlfriends he's had and the fact that he's slept with a lot of women makes me rethink it all.

[Lovelavie]

It's insane how many awful guys I've dated or hooked up with. It's not like the "it didn't work out between us" kind of guy, it's the cheating, lying, wanna fool you kind of guy. I got used to being single, I actually started getting repulsed when it came to relationships, when, ironically, I've been in relationships my entire life, it started to hurt less not being in one. But with him it's different, and that's why it's hurting me so much. It would be much easier to know that he wasn't worth it just like the others and let it go, but it isn't that simple with him.

 

I keep asking myself if I'm being insecure and paranoid or if I'm right to feel this way. I wanna let it go so I don't feel this way anymore but at the same time I wanna be with him to see if I can trust him again...

[Starlight925]

I found some lies and I find myself not knowing if I can trust him.

 

Would you mind expanding on the nature of these lies?

 

How old are you both?

[abitbroken]

It's weird to think I got involved with so many guys that treated me like I was worth nothing, I was really losing hope and did NOT want a relationship, I was very happy single.

 

You haven't been happily single if you talk about "so many guys"you got involved with this year. That's someone who is merely not in a relationship, not happily single. If you decide not to date him - be single - hang out with your female friends and don't get involved in dating anyone for at least 6 months - whether that means it takes you out of the usual hang out scene and entices you to expand your network - volunteer work, reconnecting with relatives. I think that if you have only been single for a year - and all of it has been dating a number of guys - you need to get some clarity and step back. And maybe switch your routine up to meet a better caliber of guys - there are MANY guys that while they may not be the one for you and you only date a few times - are still going to treat you with respect unless your idea of "bad treatment" is not treating you like a princess.

 

It doesn't matter if he's "in love" - he is a cheater - he's two for two. Its not like he cheated on his high school girlfriend because he held hands with someone else - both relationships ended in cheating. You already feel uneasy.

[Wiseman2]

It's insane how many awful guys I've dated or hooked up with. It's not like the "it didn't work out between us" kind of guy, it's the cheating, lying, wanna fool you kind of guy

You wouldn't have entered those relationships if you didn't think this in the beginning every time, no? But with him it's different

[Lovelavie]

He's 22 and I'm 23. The lies were about people of his past. He promised me he would tell me if he had hooked up with some girl, but he lied to me about one and gave her a ride on MY car while I was with him. He lied about some other girls too. And the worst for me is that he was gonna throw a party at his house and he invited an ex which I wasn't happy about but agreed since she was part of the DJ agency of our close friends. And he kept saying that his best friend was insisting he invited his other ex (the one I mentioned was the only one he ever loved) only for me to find out that it was him insisting all along. He was the one that wanted his ex at his party and he said it was only to show everyone that he was happy without her and didn't have feelings for her anymore. Even though he kept telling me I had nothing to worry that he wasn't the one that wanted them at the party, I ended up finding out that it was nothing but him that actually wanted them there. And along other small lies involving other girls. And I found all of this out on the same day, it made me feel awful and we almost broke up.

 

He then gave me flowers, apologized a million times, but I find it hard for me to trust him again, I used to think we were friends before anything and that we could trust each other only o find out he was lying all along, and nothing turns me off more than a lie. I've ended a relationship because of that and I really can't stand it because it changed the way I see the person.

 

Well, anyways... I'm just confused, at times, I'm happy and ok with him and other times I find myself thinking about the lies and all the girls he's been with and get upset again... I really can't control it.

[Lovelavie]

You wouldn't have entered those relationships if you didn't think this in the beginning every time, no?

 

Yes, I did think they were all worth it, but they ended in such an awful way in such a short time (none of them lasted more than 3 weeks) that I can't help but think that this guy is really putting an effort because all the other times, everyone just gave up

[Starlight925]

The lies were about people of his past. He promised me he would tell me if he had hooked up with some girl, but he lied to me about one and gave her a ride on MY car while I was with him. He lied about some other girls too. And the worst for me is that he was gonna throw a party at his house and he invited an ex which I wasn't happy about but agreed since she was part of the DJ agency of our close friends. And he kept saying that his best friend was insisting he invited his other ex (the one I mentioned was the only one he ever loved) only for me to find out that it was him insisting all along. He was the one that wanted his ex at his party and he said it was only to show everyone that he was happy without her and didn't have feelings for her anymore. Even though he kept telling me I had nothing to worry that he wasn't the one that wanted them at the party, I ended up finding out that it was nothing but him that actually wanted them there. And along other small lies involving other girls. And I found all of this out on the same day, it made me feel awful and we almost broke up.

 

He then gave me flowers, apologized a million times, but I find it hard for me to trust him again, I used to think we were friends before anything and that we could trust each other only o find out he was lying all along, and nothing turns me off more than a lie. I've ended a relationship because of that and I really can't stand it because it changed the way I see the person.

 

Well, anyways... I'm just confused, at times, I'm happy and ok with him and other times I find myself thinking about the lies and all the girls he's been with and get upset again... I really can't control it.

 

I wouldn't be happy about these types of lies either, so I get your confusion.

 

As for all the girls he was with prior to you? Keep reminding yourself, those are prior. Anyone who was there before you, has absolutely nothing to do with you and him now. Remember, you had prior boyfriends too.

 

Sounds like he's telling little white lies to appease himself, and to keep the peace with you. When he realizes this upsets you, he buys you off with flowers and sweet words. Which works as a temporary way to gloss over things, but does very little for the long run.

 

If you want to stay with this guy, you need to give him very clear boundaries. You need to draw a line in the sand, and you need to make sure he knows that he will not lie to you one more time. And that you will offer honesty to him as well. This is a 2-way street, and that you will expect what you give. One more lie, and you need to go. This is not an ultimatum to him, but a promise for yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

Judging from your posts, you haven't been - in any way - happy single.

[Lovelavie]

Judging from your posts, you haven't been - in any way - happy single.

 

When I say I've been happy single is that, for the first time in.. I don't know, 6 years, I haven't been in a relationship with someone. I enjoy doing little things I didn't before, I got to know myself better and what I want. When my ex and I broke up last year I was miserable, like I had never been in my life and nothing ever got close to that. Breaking up with guys I dated for 3, 4 weeks was easy compared to how depressed I was last year about my BU.

But unfortunately I only got involved with guys that were really awful to me, part of it is my fault for letting them in but never in my life have I cheated or lied to anyone I liked yet so many people have done it to me, that it gets me confused on what respect really means.

 

But I'm happy in the sense that, I don't need anyone to be happy, I'd much rather not be emotionally involved with anyone (and I was for 6 months) and feel nothing, than hooking up and getting involved with guys that did nothing but hurt me or make me cry. This guy is the first one in a really long time that actually seems to have a good heart, that's why I'm so torn.

[Wiseman2]

There's a philosophy that we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over until we "get it". The absence of being a complete jerk doesn't mean this will turn out well given all the red flags and too much too soon. "Being official" for One Week. One Week! You don't really know him.

[Lovelavie]

There's a philosophy that we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over until we "get it". The absence of being a complete jerk doesn't mean this will turn out well given all the red flags and too much too soon. "Being official" for One Week. One Week! You don't really know him.

 

No no, it didn't get official in one week lol. I think I wrote it wrong. It has been a week since we made it official, but we have been together for two months.

 

A lot has happened and we were going really great until I found out all these lies and now I can't feel secure again...

[Iggy5129]

Think about what you would tell a friend saying this stuff to you. From an outside perspective he doesn't sound like a prize at all. He sounds sleazy and like a cheater who lies and then thinks gifts make up for it. Just because he's better than someone worse doesn't mean he's good.

 

But seems you've made up your mind about this. I feel this will end in deceit and cheating.

 

I wonder how many girls he slept with while you were "unofficial" because you know, technically he could.

[reinventmyself]

I'm shaking my head. Trust is earned. So out of the gate he's told you several lies. These lies just so happen to be about women.

Let's add in the fact that he's ruined 2 relationships by cheating. Why would you even consider him??

 

I've been you. Second guessing my insecurity as if I had some sort of character flaw that limits my ability to trust. But the truth is it's your intuition screaming at you to leave the situation.

 

But somehow if you take the blame it allows you to justify staying and not having to do the hard thing- walking away.

 

With practice it becomes easier, strengthens your self esteem and lend you to make better choices.

Start now.

[ParisPaulette]

No, it does not look good. He's lied and cheated before, twice in relationships where he at least thought he was crazy about the women at the time or he wouldn't have been with them. And now here he is crazy in love with you, or so you say I'm guessing, because that's what he says to you. Probably in that overly dramatic soulful way of new love. And yet he's already started lying to you too. So nothing has changed really with him now has it? He still thinks lying to someone he claims to love is okay. Come on, he did it two women before you, and I'm pretty sure he told them he also was over the moon for them. I'm also guessing he said or implied the same thing to more than one woman who jumped in bed with him, because yeah it's easier to get people to sleep with you if they think you really care about them. Even just a little bit.

 

So I'm going to ask you something. Putting aside how he treats you right now, how does he treat everyone around him? How has he treated people in the past? How does he treat his friends, his family, the man panhandling on the street corner? How has he treated the women before you? Would they say he's charming, that he's nice, that he's a good person? Do his coworkers like him, trust him? Does he do good things, not "act nice" because anyone can act nice - heck serial killers do that all the time, at the drop of a bucket, to lure people in.

 

So really, instead of looking at how he treats you, how he behaves with you, how does he treat other people? How has he treated them? What mark did he leave in someone else's life? What are his real values, not the charm or the niceness, which are social strategies and not personality traits, but how does he really think of other people? What does he do that shows you he is just a good person in general?

 

To paraphrase something I saw online last week, maybe you need to stop picking the guy who is nice to you and instead pick the one who is nice to everybody, regardless of what may or may not be in it for them. There lies your truth about who you can trust. For me, I'd already have dumped the guy, for mistreating at least two women that I knew of, not to mention I'm betting you probably know of a few other people he's wronged.

 

It's not that once a cheater, always a cheater. It's that if you see someone mistreats others chronically, do not be surprised when one day they turn on you too. Because that says something about their true values, their character, who they are. Niceness or charming doesn't say squat about that.

[abitbroken]

No no, it didn't get official in one week lol. I think I wrote it wrong. It has been a week since we made it official, but we have been together for two months.

 

A lot has happened and we were going really great until I found out all these lies and now I can't feel secure again...

 

I always tell people to look at it from this perspective - 2 months is 8 weeks. It sounds a lot shorter that way, doesn't it? 8 1/2 weeks ago you never considered going out on a date with this guy. And then something happened and you started going out with him. 4 weeks into dating or so, you decide that you both are not dating others.

 

Does it sound reasonable for a man (or woman) to be "totally in love" in the course of 8 weeks. infatuated? yes. Desiring eachothers' hot bods? sure. But beware of someone that early on who make such declarations way too quickly.

[abitbroken]

Yes, I did think they were all worth it, but they ended in such an awful way in such a short time (none of them lasted more than 3 weeks) that I can't help but think that this guy is really putting an effort because all the other times, everyone just gave up

 

I somehow missed this whole reply. He is *quite* the juggler isn't he? If he slept with every woman you know and he really wanted it to work with you, he'd stop hanging out with his old group - go on dates with you and see his guy friends one on one or in small groups that do not involve the "whole crowd" where he might run into exes OR make new friends. Maybe it wouldn't be your business who he slept with, but again, he wouldn't put you in situations where he or you would ever run into them for it to be a factor (though he probably should be upfront about someone you personally consider a friend) and would be honest if the question was posed about someone.

 

I don't think he's done with this sleeping with tons of women phase at all. I suggest you get tested if you had sex with him. Right now. The key to a guy with a past is that he should be well past that before meeting you - if you knew about his wilder days but for the past 8 years he has left that life and has been not dating anyone or dating one woman at a time, that's one thing - but he is still well in it.

 

 

btw, its okay to give up if you aren't clicking with someone, you aren't right for eachother, etc, and if all those other guys dated you for 1-3 weeks - that was 1 to 5 dates. That's all. It just didn't end in a connection.

[Hollyj]

Don't ever think you will be the exception to the rule. Cheating is a character flaw. His recent lies should be enough for you. C'mon!

 

I'm certain he showed those other girls the great side. or they wouldn't have been with him.

 

What's is wrong with being on your own. What is sad, is people that must go from relationship to relationship, as they are incapable of being on their own. Super unhealthy.

[Hollyj]

It's insane how many awful guys I've dated or hooked up with. It's not like the "it didn't work out between us" kind of guy, it's the cheating, lying, wanna fool you kind of guy. I got used to being single, I actually started getting repulsed when it came to relationships, when, ironically, I've been in relationships my entire life, it started to hurt less not being in one. But with him it's different, and that's why it's hurting me so much. It would be much easier to know that he wasn't worth it just like the others and let it go, but it isn't that simple with him.

 

I keep asking myself if I'm being insecure and paranoid or if I'm right to feel this way. I wanna let it go so I don't feel this way anymore but at the same time I wanna be with him to see if I can trust him again...

 

Have you not noticed that you are the common denominator, and it is who YOU chose. I would seriously address your patterns, and the fact that you are attracted to cheats.

 

Please check out baggagereclaim.com

[Annia]

He just sounds like he is charming you so you will over look his glaring flaws.

 

This, and also the thing about him falling so hard and so soon when 4 months ago he was trying to get back to his ex if I understood correctly. He might be a changed man and all that, but it's good to be careful with men that fall hard so soon and seem to have pending past issues. More often than not we end up being rebounds.

 

But the most important part is that you don't trust him and trust is the base of any good and healthy relationship.

[Annia]

It's insane how many awful guys I've dated or hooked up with. It's not like the "it didn't work out between us" kind of guy, it's the cheating, lying, wanna fool you kind of guy. I got used to being single, I actually started getting repulsed when it came to relationships, when, ironically, I've been in relationships my entire life, it started to hurt less not being in one. But with him it's different, and that's why it's hurting me so much. It would be much easier to know that he wasn't worth it just like the others and let it go, but it isn't that simple with him.

 

I keep asking myself if I'm being insecure and paranoid or if I'm right to feel this way. I wanna let it go so I don't feel this way anymore but at the same time I wanna be with him to see if I can trust him again...

 

Have you tried to access why you're attracted to these men in the first place?

I know that sometimes we're so in love that we overlook flaws, but looking back I always realize that there were red flags with the men that ended up hurting me and that I overlooked out of my neediness and wanting to feel loved at the time. I think that when we fall into a pattern of cheaters or simply people that treat us wrong, there's something about us that keeps attracting and being attracted by these types of people. I'm not saying that we have something wrong, simply that it's usually more than bad luck.

[Lovelavie]

I'm not really sure what makes me attached to these guys. It's ironic because when I'm with someone I have ultimate respect for them, I have never cheated on any of my past BFs and never told small lies related to other guys so I really don't get why I only get involved with guys that do that.

 

What´s bothering me in this whole situation is that I keep thinking over and over all that happened and how many lies he told just because it was easier for him and now he won't stop begging for me to forgive him and that he's never gonna do that again.. but I ask, why? Why do it in the first place?

 

I feel like if I break this off I'm throwing away a chance for him to make things different since things were going great between us but at the same time I feel like I'm making it possible for him to fool me again...

[Jeetsun]

Don't ignore your gut on this one. Always trust your gut. You're uneasy right now from the start, its not going to get any better from here on out. As others have mentioned, he's charming you to overlook the lies he's told and cheating tendencies. From my experience, I do agree with the age old adage; once a cheater always a cheater. It's a character flaw that's usually grounded to the person's core personality and is unlikely to change. Knowing this, if you get into a relationship with him, he will more than likely cheat on you as well. Past behaviors are indicators of future behavior.