Jealousy or plain wrong?

[mandeelove]

Would anybody be hurt if you find out the man you're exclusive with comments under girl's facebook pictures...calling them beautiful names like pretty, sexy, hot, gorgeous or Miss America etc etc. And quite frequently at that.

 

How would you approach this situation if you've been dating this man for a while and find out it's a habit he's been doing your whole entire relationship?

[Annia]

It's not an indicator of cheating, but I wouldn't be comfortable with a partner doing that. I think it's inappropriate if you're in a committed relationship with someone. If you feel uncomfortable you should at least bring it up to him.

[Batya33]

I would find it inconsistent with being in a serious relationship and I would not date someone who objectified women like that and thought those comments were appropriate on a Facebook page. My guess is that he's shown his tendencies in other ways to objectify women in this way so that it's not a huge surprise he'd make those comments.

 

I think it's fine for a person in a relationship to comment on how someone else looks as long as it's done in a tactful, considerate and appropriate manner -or some couples like those kinds of comments about others -turns them on -which is fine for them.

[imfinna]

I would be...it gives the notion of them "putting their feelers out" -- because what is the sense of doing something like that if you're not trying to get someone's attention? I would confront him about it and ask him why he does that and how he would feel if you were to do the same type of thing

[HannahDD]

I'd be hurt. I'd tell him I don't understand why he does it, that I don't like it and ask if he could stop doing it.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd feel disrespected.

I would then have an open and candid, calm and matter of fact conversation while using my *I* words about how him openly complimenting other women as a habit made me feel. Then I would wait to see if he valued me enough to stop doing it.

 

If he tried to justify it then I would tell him that I was simply explaining to him how it made me feel disrespected and then I would change the subject. If he didn't have the concern for my feeling to stop doing it, then I would realize he doesn't value me the way I feel I deserve nor in the way I thought he did and I would end the relationship.

 

How does it make YOU feel and, how have you handled it?

[MarmiteX1]

One can argue that by calling another girl sexy etc can be disrespectful towards their significant other i.e you. That being said, it could be seen as harmless unless he has intention to do more than that.

Personally if i were in your shoes i would find it disrespectful so i would discuss this with him. I wouldn't argue or shout at him because this could be interpreted as jealously in my opinion.

[mandeelove]

The twist is I'm not his facebook friend. He didn't think we should be friends because it "causes issues" so a mutual friend has been bringing the comments to my attention. Like I said the comments run consistent with our relationship time. Its not like it just began a week ago so it seems like its his character trait. I havent brought it up because I'll have to explain how I saw this. You can basically say hes writing these comments without knowledge that I've seen them. My dilemma is how can I get a guy to stop doing this and on top of it we arent even fb friends to see that he has stopped?. I feel like its a lost cause and I wasted my time. Someone asked me how I feel. I feel like I always had high self esteem but this has put a dent in it. I also feel like Ive been great to this guy and loyal , yet hes still not just looking at me. ...And I do think about what one poster said....its a " feeler" he puts out thers bcuz what IF one girl private messages him after a compliment he gave. It can always lead somewhere. I mean why else would a guy compliment a beautiful women? If he already is dating someone.

[SherrySher]

Mandee, how many times are you going to ask this?

The guys a jerk and has been to you for a long time now but you keep staying with him.

[Wiseman2]

You can't 'get him to stop'. All you can do is dump him.

a mutual friend has been bringing the comments to my attention. I havent brought it up because I'll have to explain how I saw this. My dilemma is how can I get a guy to stop doing this and on top of it we arent even fb friends to see that he has stopped?.

[thealchemist]

Guy's opinion here. If this guy was a super socialite before you got together and he interacts with all women that way then that might just be hardwired into him. But then I imagine you expect this. Does he flower you with complements? If he just is that way you aren't going to have much luck changing that. If he treats other woman like this but not you then I would run. Far. Since it bothers you then no matter the situation I would have a talk about it. I will say that guys that act that way seem to never be in good relationships. I would personally never do that because I see it as disrespectful to my wife. In good faith I have to give my wife an order of magnitude more than any other women. Whether its trust or compliments. I see people that act that way as fake and manipulative. If you bring it up and he brushes your feelings aside then that would indicate to me that he cares more how females on fb perceive him more than you. Always have to put your SO above all else(children not included).

[ThatwasThen]

The twist is I'm not his facebook friend. He didn't think we should be friends because it "causes issues"

It only causes "issues" when a guy who is in a relationship wants it to appear that he's single.

 

so a mutual friend has been bringing the comments to my attention. Like I said the comments run consistent with our relationship time. Its not like it just began a week ago so it seems like its his character trait.

Then I suggest you have the discussion and if he wants to continue to look like a single facebook user who is pursuing hotties then make a solid decision about looking after your best interests.

 

I havent brought it up because I'll have to explain how I saw this.

So? You have your mutual friend to thank for that and if you're not going to want to discuss what you found, then might as well just tell your mutual friend to stop reporting on him.

 

You can basically say hes writing these comments without knowledge that I've seen them. My dilemma is how can I get a guy to stop doing this and on top of it we arent even fb friends to see that he has stopped?.

You can't control him so you just have to tell him how it makes you feel and then see if he respects you enough to give up his addiction to it.

 

I feel like its a lost cause and I wasted my time. Someone asked me how I feel. I feel like I always had high self esteem but this has put a dent in it.

Sista: Take back your personal power from his hands and reframe yourself as "the prize" and if he's not good enough to stop phishing on facebook then he's not good enough for you. Don't let him take away your self-respect and esteem through his "acting single" shinanigans.

 

I also feel like Ive been great to this guy and loyal , yet hes still not just looking at me. ...And I do think about what one poster said....its a " feeler" he puts out thers bcuz what IF one girl private messages him after a compliment he gave. It can always lead somewhere. I mean why else would a guy compliment a beautiful women? If he already is dating someone.

If you agree with all that then surely you can see that it's time for you to leave him if he is not acting like he is in a relationship but rather putting it out there like he is single.

 

I think t is quite clear to you and you are certain about what you need to do. You just need to get the strength to do it.

[thealchemist]

The twist is I'm not his facebook friend. He didn't think we should be friends because it "causes issues" so a mutual friend has been bringing the comments to my attention. Like I said the comments run consistent with our relationship time. Its not like it just began a week ago so it seems like its his character trait. I havent brought it up because I'll have to explain how I saw this. You can basically say hes writing these comments without knowledge that I've seen them. My dilemma is how can I get a guy to stop doing this and on top of it we arent even fb friends to see that he has stopped?. I feel like its a lost cause and I wasted my time. Someone asked me how I feel. I feel like I always had high self esteem but this has put a dent in it. I also feel like Ive been great to this guy and loyal , yet hes still not just looking at me. ...And I do think about what one poster said....its a " feeler" he puts out thers bcuz what IF one girl private messages him after a compliment he gave. It can always lead somewhere. I mean why else would a guy compliment a beautiful women? If he already is dating someone.

Ok my post was before reading this. Run. Run. Run. He is hiding his behavior from you so he can either upgrade from you when he thinks he can or get some on the side. I'm a dude, this sends off all the alarms. Just don't be surprised when you get chlamydia.

[Jeffbobo]

You're not FB friends with him because he thought it would cause issues? Hmm... that's a line of crap. The way that this feels to me is that you're an option and he's keeping his options open. I agree with Wiseman. The only way you can get him to stop is to dump him.

[ThatwasThen]

Mandee: Is this a new guy that you just started going out with because on April 17 you started a thread that you and a guy were ex's and he had started up contact with you again.

 

If this is the same guy, and you two are not in a committed relationship then he has no need to facebook friend you or stop what he's doing for you. YOU need to block and delete him and tell your mutual friend to stop reporting to you about him. He's not your boyfriend anymore and he's certainly not worth anything more then deleting and doing your best to forget about.

 

If it's a new guy... he's showing you who he is and you're not compatible so end it with him now before you become any more addicted to having him in your life. Any guy that won't put you on his friends list on facebook is up to no good.

[HeartGoesOn]

My dilemma is how can I get a guy to stop doing this and on top of it we arent even fb friends to see that he has stopped?.

 

You shouldn't have to tell him to stop doing this, he's an adult who knows right from wrong and it's not your job to raise him. Either way, this alone screams of his lack of respect towards you.

[mandeelove]

Ok my post was before reading this. Run. Run. Run. He is hiding his behavior from you so he can either upgrade from you when he thinks he can or get some on the side. I'm a dude, this sends off all the alarms. Just don't be surprised when you get chlamydia.

Thanks for your post. I just want to respond to you question about if he gives me compliments. He actually rarely does. Lets just say the words he uses on these females are not words he uses on me . They seem like better compliments to strangers. And no about the socialite thing. When we got together he was on my level and our views of loyalty and boundaries were spot on. He didnt think compliments should fly to others. He understood me so seeing that hes giving compliments like candy is just baffling. I think your post was helpful thank u. The whole not adding me is a big alarm and he patched that over by adding some pictures of us together claiming everyone knows we are together. Not sure what good it does if he adds my pics and then compliments others anyway.

[Wiseman2]

At this point it seems like a chronic problem from this post on 09-30-2016 6659017]Do u think it's a red flag if ur dating someone new and they tell u they dont add people they date to facebook because it causes issues? Would u say thats a good idea or a red flag?

[mandeelove]

It only causes "issues" when a guy who is in a relationship wants it to appear that he's single.

 

Then I suggest you have the discussion and if he wants to continue to look like a single facebook user who is pursuing hotties then make a solid decision about looking after your best interests.

 

So? You have your mutual friend to thank for that and if you're not going to want to discuss what you found, then might as well just tell your mutual friend to stop reporting on him.

 

You can't control him so you just have to tell him how it makes you feel and then see if he respects you enough to give up his addiction to it.

 

Sista: Take back your personal power from his hands and reframe yourself as "the prize" and if he's not good enough to stop phishing on facebook then he's not good enough for you. Don't let him take away your self-respect and esteem through his "acting single" shinanigans.

 

If you agree with all that then surely you can see that it's time for you to leave him if he is not acting like he is in a relationship but rather putting it out there like he is single.

 

I think t is quite clear to you and you are certain about what you need to do. You just need to get the strength to do it.

It only causes issues bcuz hes totally doing something wrong . Totally agree with you. I have to get strength and claim my power back. Thank you for your post. 2 things need to happen. I need to be his fb friend and he needs to respect my feelings and stop flirting. And if neither happen I need to go. I will have to say my friend saw these things and thats it.

[mandeelove]

Mandee: Is this a new guy that you just started going out with because on April 17 you started a thread that you and a guy were ex's and he had started up contact with you again.

 

If this is the same guy, and you two are not in a committed relationship then he has no need to facebook friend you or stop what he's doing for you. YOU need to block and delete him and tell your mutual friend to stop reporting to you about him. He's not your boyfriend anymore and he's certainly not worth anything more then deleting and doing your best to forget about.

 

If it's a new guy... he's showing you who he is and you're not compatible so end it with him now before you become any more addicted to having him in your life. Any guy that won't put you on his friends list on facebook is up to no good.

No this isnt that guy. That was a random ex who came back but has been blocked yes. This is a different guy.

[Hollyj]

He is disrespecting you. I would not put up with this nonsense. How would he feel if you were doing the same with other men????

 

I would be done with this. He has shown you who he is.

 

I would reassess your man picker, as it seems to be waaaaaay off!

[imfinna]

If he isn't even your FB friend then I think you're much better off getting out of this relationship ASAP.

I've been in a similar situation with a guy a few years ago who wouldn't be my friend on any social media platform because he thought the same thing, it causes issues and blah blah blah.

This relationship only lead me to complete heartbreak because I found out he was cheating on me.

I then realized that if someone wants to be with you then they're going to want people to know about it.

[sara-pezzini]

You've been with him for about 10 months now and there are nothing but red flags and many threads about him, leave him! This isn't working! He is disrespectful and is showing you who he is and why do you put up with it?

You deserve much better than this, he is full of crap and the only reason he doesn't want you on fb is cause he wants to hide all that from you, now he can just do what he wants on fb..... don't you see how disrespectful that is?

I would leave him before he hurts you even more, he isn't going to change and there are too many issues this early on

[Hollyj]

OP, why do you continue to put up with this garbage?????

[ParisPaulette]

Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 

You keep bringing up red flags, we all say, "Yes, these are red flags/no you should not put up with it." And then rinse and repeat.

 

Not to bag on you, but you need to develop your own thought process, your own boundaries, your own life. If you don't like him being a jerk then leave. But you cannot expect that anything anyone says to you is going to make this guy not a jerk who is disrespecting you, because well you stay and let him.

 

I looked at the other threads on this guy. Ten months is ten too long in my opinion, but really you need to be the one to decide when it's enough. Not through what others tell you or he tells you - through you finally listening to your own voice about what is acceptable for you. And that if it isn't acceptable you can end things and walk away, not because what others say, but because for you, you simply don't want to do that anymore.

 

Otherwise this is just the dog chasing the tail around and around. A jerk is a jerk, and life is short and fleeing, it can be gone tomorrow. Do you really want to have wasted your life, your precious time, on someone such as he? Think about it and then think for yourself. Your own opinions and wants and desires DO factor into a relationship. In fact, they are at least half to 100 percent of a relationship. If someone else doesn't fit that, then you don't have to put up with it.

 

Personally I'd have ended things with this guy by the end of the first month, but that's because I've had a long history of ignoring my BS meter until I finally stopped and decided my own feelings and perceptions are valid. And that Mandee is what you need to do or you will forever seem to be waffling over others opinions versus what you don't want to be the truth. And no true happiness comes from such a place, I know. Voice of experience here.

 

DTMFA