Should I Be Concerned?

[Anaya]

I met a guy 7 months ago on a dating website. We are both in our early 30's and have 3 kids each and are finishing up our divorces. I have been separated from my ex for 2 years (he was very physically abusive), and he has been separated from his for a year (she cheated on him several times and got pregnant by another guy - hence why the divorce).

 

When I first met him, I asked him what he was looking for. He said he didn't know, but just wanted to have fun and see where things went. I felt fine with that, as we were both still going through divorces. I asked him to tell me if he started seeing anyone else though, and he agreed.

 

I actually really started liking him pretty quickly though, so by 3 months in I had hid my dating profile because I was tired of all the messages I was getting. In January I asked this guy 'Mike' that I was seeing, if he was into me, or what. I said I had major feelings for him and I didn't want to get hurt. He said that was fair, and that he thought we had a lot of potential, he just didn't want to rush things. I felt satisfied by his answer, so continued seeing him.

 

At the 6 month mark (one month ago), we finally introduced all 6 of our kids, and they all got along great, so we've all hung out a few times since. Then last week, I logged into my dating profile just because (it had been automatically renewed), and I noticed that 'Mike' had logged in recently - and he had added new photos! I was really, really hurt, and assumed we were over. So, the next night, I specifically asked him what his intentions were, because I really like him and I couldn't do a "casual" relationship anymore. He said he'd been thinking about asking me to be his girlfriend for a few weeks now. So I asked him if we are official now, and he said yes. I was really happy and instantly felt better. The next day he talked to his daughters about dating me, and they seemed to agree to it, so he told me that this weekend I'd need a sitter because he's taking me to dinner. I think this is our first actual "real" date. I was so happy.

 

But, silly me, I didn't say anything about his online dating profile when we had that talk a week ago, and now it's been driving me crazy in the back of my mind. So -- Should I say something to him? Should I ask him to hide it/take it down? It seems like he's serious about me, but if he's serious, why is he still logging into his profile (and adding pictures - although to be fair, he added the pictures before we had our "boyfriend/girlfriend" talk). Do most guys just leave their profiles up unless someone makes an issue of it? Should I be concerned? Or would it be best to just leave this alone and trust him?

[melancholy123]

I'd ask him why his profile is still up and see what he says. His reaction should tell you a lot.

[JaggerJim]

No don't tell him "you saw his profile" because then it will just twist around onto how you were on the dating site and what were you doing there.

 

If he does make it "official" then discuss taking down the dating profiles together.

[Wiseman2]

Slow down. If you are having sex have the exclusive talk. Try not to strive for an insta-family. Get to know each other first.

 

What were you doing for 6 mos if this is the first date?

I think this is our first actual "real" date

[IAmFCA]

"Do most guys... " this sort of thinking undermines your faith in yourself. Also, it's just a profile. Now, granted, he added pics. He logged on and was active enough to add pics. So incongruent with feeling bf gf with you. And that makes sense. This is your (both of you) first long relationship since your spouses, it seems like, especially given that divorces are still pending or only recently concluded. He may have moments of wanting validation, feeling lonely at home, wondering if he committed too soon.

 

I am making all of this up, obviously. My point is, it hurt for you to see it, but that doesn't mean he was on line to hurt you. De-power this information in your own head. Understand it as part of the whole story.

 

Then, practice letting go. Not of your bf! Of your dependence on an outcome. Have faith that what is right for you will be what you find, and focus on being the best you. Let go let go let go of ... everything. Enjoy what you have today.

 

Once you let go a bit, you will feel the strength of your own two feet. Then, you will be able to have a conversation of understanding. THIS IS IMPORTANT. If you discuss the profile, approach from wanting to understand - and to that, you will need to believe in your own awesomeness.

 

You are on an incredible journey, one of self discovery that can be full of surprising empowerment, freedom, and joy. You can do this without him. Knowing this will enable you to be with him so long as you choose.

[j.man]

Yup. The time's passed and you're now official. Either leave it or, if you must, take JaggerJim's suggestion.

[Anaya]

We were casually dating. I meant this is our first date as boyfriend/girlfriend.

[Hicham]

well just one way should reign the relationship after keeping his profile logged changing his photos after you met him no need to stay logged online if he do love you need to be practical i mean cut off the reasons of troubles in the future he should delete his profile as a sign that he met the woman of the rest of his life

[SoulTaker]

Do most guys just leave their profiles up unless someone makes an issue of it? Should I be concerned? Or would it be best to just leave this alone and trust him?

 

What he does before the two of you became "exclusive" is his business. So, let it go. Now that it's a relationship, what's important is to set up boundaries with one of the items being what to do about the dating profiles.

[abitbroken]

Firstly, maybe i am the old fogey here, but how can anyone really "commit" or be "exclusive" with you if you are both still married? I will say that even if you are NOW divorced, some people are really affected by it. I know leading up to my divorce being final i was glad to be unjoined with an abusive man, but when i actually received the divorce papers, i felt different emotions. Relief, yes, but also "what's next" and not being sure i wanted to jump into anything yet and also mourning the final loss. It is possible that he is not as eager to commit as you think - and neither should you be. I know you have been separated awhile but going from separated parents communicating about their kids vs divorced parents and not having to communicate except in the matter of your kids, the feelings of your ex dating, intro ing your kids to others really is a lot of firsts.

 

If your kids are introduced (though I don't think they should be together a lot - keep them pretty separate and not instant family. You needed them to meet at some point to see how that went - but i still think you should keeep them at arm's length), then he is not playing the field.

 

I would just take it really slow and not quiz him overly much - ie, keep asking for reassurance. he was VERY upfront at the beginning that he didn't really know what he was looking for yet, so take that to heart and don't get the kids too hooked on him just yet

[Hollyj]

Has he been active since you have gone exclusive? I would log back on to see?

[SherrySher]

You've already had the exclusivity talk, so ask him is he's taken down his dating profile as well. You have every right to and if he has agreed to be your bf then this question is right on point.

See what his answer is.

 

As for the rest of it, as others have said, take things slow. You really can't do insta-family. I know it's exciting and all but take your time. Good things come to those who wait, not those who force and rush.

Kids are involved, so you want to make sure this is a right fit for everyone and it will take time for everyone to SLOWLY process the changes.

[catfeeder]

We are both [...] finishing up our divorces.

 

^^^. His profile is the least of your problems.

 

Finalizing a divorce is a crazy-making experience. You're up against two of those. Fallout is predictable and avoidable. Make a date for 6 months after your divorces are finalized and see where you both stand then.

[Anaya]

Has he been active since you have gone exclusive? I would log back on to see?

 

I logged in a couple days later and it said "Active within 24 hours". I have not checked since then, as I know it will not make me feel good if he has. I'd rather go the route of talking to him about both of us taking down our profiles (although mine is already hidden). But if he asks if I checked his, I will be completely honest and say that yes I did, mine was auto-renewed and I checked out of curiosity. And hopefully he will understand that - if he doesn't then I'm not sure I will continue to see him, because it seems logical to me - as I paid for the site as well. So far, he has been very open to me with everything and has said I can talk to him about anything, so I have a feeling he will be agreeable and that I'm overthinking things. I plan on talking to him tonight.

[Hollyj]

If he has, then you have your answer. Don't keep you head in the sand. Better to end things sooner, than later.

 

You should not have to ask him to take it down, it should be done automatically. It's worse that he is still looking for dates. You may have gone exclusive, he has not.

[Anaya]

If he has, then you have your answer. Don't keep you head in the sand. Better to end things sooner, than later.

 

I definitely understand your thinking. But do you really think I shouldn't even talk to him about it first? I mean what if he says, "Oh sure I will take it down right away. I didn't even really think about it could bother you." or something along those lines? And then he actually does take it down? Do you think it's not even worth giving him the benefit of the doubt in that scenario? I genuinely want to know. It's been my thinking (up until now), that we have taken everything very slowly, so maybe this is just an extension of the "slowness" so to speak? And we just need to define things a bit better?

 

But seriously, thank you for your thoughts

[JaggerJim]

I logged in a couple days later and it said "Active within 24 hours". I have not checked since then, as I know it will not make me feel good if he has. I'd rather go the route of talking to him about both of us taking down our profiles (although mine is already hidden). But if he asks if I checked his, I will be completely honest and say that yes I did, mine was auto-renewed and I checked out of curiosity. And hopefully he will understand that - if he doesn't then I'm not sure I will continue to see him, because it seems logical to me - as I paid for the site as well. So far, he has been very open to me with everything and has said I can talk to him about anything, so I have a feeling he will be agreeable and that I'm overthinking things. I plan on talking to him tonight.

 

Everything you wrote here , I agree. Well good luck tonight, I'm sure it will go fine.

[IAmFCA]

If he has, then you have your answer. Don't keep you head in the sand. Better to end things sooner, than later.

 

You should not have to ask him to take it down, it should be done automatically. It's worse that he is still looking for dates. You may have gone exclusive, he has not.

 

I used to look online even when I was not looking for dates. It's why I suggested in long post earlier that he may have any number of motivations having to with his marriage ending. These reasons aren't exactly the same as looking for a date.

 

Eventually, that kind of validation, profile searching, or restlessness will be gone. It's good that they talk about it.

[abitbroken]

Keep in mind, some websites falsely show people "active in last 24 hours" so when new people log on, it seems like there is activity on the site and its not just a bunch of dead profiles. When I first met my guy, I did log in quite frequently to reread messages he had sent to me and to look at his pictures long after I knew that there was no way i was looking for anyone else. I guess how someone 50 years ago would have reread someone's first letter sent. I then eventually just copy and pasted it all so i had them. So don't simply get paranoid if *that* is the only thing that seems amiss - afterall, he has already risked his kids meeting you.

 

I do reiterate in the biggest way possible as someone who has gone through a divorce that you are both moving way way too fast. You are more in danger of this being a rebound than him dating others at the moment. You may not feel it today - but one day in the not too far future you yourself will feel that you didn't give yourself enough time to figure out life as a divorced woman before trying to get a guy who is not legally able to commit to commit. You may be eager to be validated and to couple up immediately whether to prove you still have it, to get even with your husband or because you don't know how to be alone --- but trust me, the best thing for you *may* be that this relationship ends and you stay single for at least a year.

[Anaya]

The only thing "wrong" is his profile, to be honest haha. I agree that in an "ideal" world, we would both have been divorced and far away from a relationship, before entering one. But, this is what it is, and I believe there is a lot of potential, I can't just walk away without trying. My heart is here.

 

For me, I am ready. My ex-husband and I have lived 3 hours apart for 2 years. I didn't see him at all for 6 months, until he finally started coming to see the kids every other weekend after I filed for divorce. After living alone for 1.5 years, in a different town, with a new job, I had time to get "over" him, and I was ready to have a partner again. My divorce finalized 3 months ago. The day it was finalized, I did have a tinge of sadness and just felt "weird" for a couple days, but I was ready for it. My divorce was long and drawn out because of the abuse, and my ex not seeing the kids for long periods of time.

 

The guy I'm seeing, I obviously can't know for sure where he is at emotionally with all of this. But, I have been watching, and he has seemed pretty stable and has definitely been wanting to take things slow. His divorce finalized last month, and his went much quicker than mine - mostly because he and his ex were very civil and agreed on everything. I have seen no "red flags" that he's emotionally unstable. And, the fact that I've now met his kids, is a big deal. I vividly remember feeling like they were completely off-limits to me for the first 4-5 months. I feel like all of his actions (towards me) have been very thought out and deliberate. There's no way he would have let me meet them, and then talk to them about dating me, if he wasn't serious.

 

So, this might be riskier than people who have been divorced for a lot longer, but it's risk I have to take for now. Unfortunately, we did meet when we did, and I can't take that back. Everybody heals at different rates, and there is a possibility this works out. (Although, in the future, if things don't work out - I don't think I'd date another guy going through a divorce, because I will be well beyond that at that point. But with this guy, at the time I met him, we were both going through it, so it seemed hypocritical to not date someone for going through a divorce, when I was going through one myself!)

 

It took 7 months before we even became official! Most "typical" relationships happen a bit faster than that I think. I feel like we are going as slow as is emotionally possible given everything else. And we are by no means an "insta-family". We've only had 2 play dates for our kids - one at a park, and one at a mutual friends huge get-together with around 30 people there. And he's seen my kids one other time because he came over to help fix my treadmill. So, for the most part, we will continue to go slow and not do too much with the kids.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I relate to your post and your leveof responsibility etc. I agree, this is the path youre on and seem to be certain to follow.

 

Dating when within a year of divorce, before or after, creates the near certainty that you are repeating some basic pattern.

 

I am 5+ years out. Never been more uncoupled for so long a stretch as i have of late. Never been this happy, healthy, and light. Would not have gotten here within an LTR.

 

Kids and i still mourn, subconsciously, my late ex bf who overlapped with the end of my marriage. He set a standard nobody has met since, yet he was not my forever man. I knew i dodged a bullet when he died because to break up with him would have felt like, well, a sort of murder.

 

You're on your path. Please read about attachment theory and also relationship skills (gottman is a good resource). The reading will help you think in different ways and encourage growth so thatyou avoid self destructive patterns that may remain.

[Anaya]

Just an update: I finally talked with him yesterday about the profile thing (took me longer than I expected to get up the nerve). He seemed a little confused at first why I cared so much, and just listened to me pour out all my feelings. At the end of my talking he just said he understood my point of view, but that I don't need to worry about it because he actually had cancelled his subscription earlier this week, feeling he has better things to spend his money on now. And he thanked me for telling him how it had been bothering me because he doesn't like it when people bottle things up inside and then blow up.

 

So, I'm not sure his reasoning for taking it down is exactly what I was expecting, but the end result is the same, and I'm happy with it. I have no desire to even think about looking at his profile or mine again, so I'm canceling mine and then just going to go forward trusting him. He really has given me no reason to distrust him up to this point.

[mustlovedogs]

Facebook is free. What subscription cost? Or is it for dating?

 

Don't cancel your profile on an OLD site if you haven't met yet... it may not go well...

 

I feel like you skip a lot of steps. Like pouring out your feelings tons guy you don't know.

[Anaya]

Not sure you read my first post... we've been seeing each other for almost 8 months and just made it official a few weeks ago. I told him my feelings because we've had a few serious talks since we've met and he has been very welcoming to me talking to him when there's something on my mind.

[mustlovedogs]

Not sure you read my first post... we've been seeing each other for almost 8 months and just made it official a few weeks ago. I told him my feelings because we've had a few serious talks since we've met and he has been very welcoming to me talking to him when there's something on my mind.

 

Oops, you're right, I was mistaken for another thread/topic. I'm sorry!