Boyfriend wants to start splitting dinner checks

[JessicaGC]

So to keep it short and sweet, last night my boyfriend and I had a discussion about our financial situations. We're both in our 20's and he makes more money than I do. We've been dating for almost 7 months. We're both trying to build up our savings. I have a ton of bills, he has none because his family company pays for them. We live in the Deep South so the man paying for meals and dinners is more of a common thing (as it should be right?), almost expected.

Well last night he asked me to start splitting checks for meals and dinners. We split things very rarely. I agreed even though I felt uncomfortable about him asking me to do that. He said he felt bad about asking me to do that because he knows my financial situation and he feels obligated to pay for dinners. Literally an hour after this conversation he says he's going to get sushi! I was mind blown, and he asked me if I was going to eat and I told him no because I just cooked at home. I went to spend time with him but I sat there and watched him eat sushi right in front of me...don't get me wrong, I'm not a spoiled brat, nor am I expecting anything from him. I'm very independent. But I also expect my boyfriend to pay for dates. We only go on dates once a weekend. So 4 times a month and they're never really expensive. I mean after all, we aren't just friends. I feel like his priorities are sort of mixed up. It seems to me like he would rather spend money on himself and make me pay for my meal rather than eat at home and save money like he said he's wanting to do. I'm super confused on his thought process, because he says he's wanting to save money but then he'll go out to eat and buy this and that without batting an eye, yet he doesn't want to pay for both of us when we go to eat. I haven't talked to him about it yet.

 

P.S. I am totally okay with us cooking at home together. I'd rather do that than go out and spend money on food!

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Why can't you pick restaurants/dishes that fit both your budgets?

 

Do you think he feels taken advantage of or his people are talking about ways to rule out gold-diggers and testing your reaction?

 

Does he really want to save money going out? How often do you invite him over for dinner? What is your method of reciprocation?

Well last night he asked me to start splitting checks for meals and dinners. It seems to me like he would rather spend money on himself and make me pay for my meal rather than eat at home and save money like he said he's wanting to do.

 

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[DancingFool]

Paying for a few dates early on, fine. However, once the relationship is more established, no you absolutely should not expect for the guy to keep paying for you. That's neither fair nor equitable and frankly, you are not his child and he is not obligated to feed you. Every relationship at some point has to even out as far as contributing to meals and entertainment goes where you both pay for things more equally. Maybe if you can't afford restaurants, you cook a nice home meal, pack a picnic, or treat him to a matinee movie so it costs less, etc. While if his income is higher he can treat you to fancier things if he feels like it. Either way, you should be expecting to pull your weight in some form after the first few dates. The idea that the man should always be paying for a meal out is absurd.

 

I don't think his priorities are mixed up at all. I do think he told you straight up that he expects his partner to be more equal in the relationship and pull their weight and that he will not keep paying for all your meals like you are his dependent child. As for the sushi thing, you did tell him no. He took you at your word. If you had said "I would really love some sushi, but it's not in my budget at the moment" and he still went got it just for himself and then ate it in your face, I could see how you would be upset by that. That would be a hole behavior. However, you weren't very honest with him about what you really want and can and cannot do, so them's the consequences.

[journeynow]

I'm very independent. But I also expect my boyfriend to pay for the meals.

These seem opposite to me. Expecting your boyfriend to pay for your food sounds like you expect to be dependent on him.

[journeynow]

he says he's wanting to save money but then he'll go out to eat and buy this and that without batting an eye, yet he doesn't want to pay for both of us when we go to eat.

 

He can do both, save money and treat himself once in awhile. Why can't he enjoy something he likes? Would it be better he do that in secret so you don't have to know?

[j.man]

"I'm very independent. But I also expect my boyfriend to pay for the meals."

 

Does not compute.

 

If you can't afford sushi, then that's what you say when he asks if you're going to have any, not "no." He can't read your mind and discern between you simply not being hungry and you wanting to save money eating at home.

 

Bottom line is unless you've forfeited an income to raise a baby in the stead of a man, you should never expect a man to pay for you. It's Basic Independent Adult 101. Couldn't care less if it's the 10th date or the 1st. You can like it. You can appreciate it. I mean men enjoy a free meal as much as any woman does, potentially more given the novelty of it, so believe me, I understand. Expecting it is a princess attitude though. Additionally, it very often incorporates a transactional element that needs not exist in what should be a mutually beneficial relationship.

 

Going forward, expect to pay your way. If you can't afford a certain restaurant at that given moment, vocalize it. The ball will be in his court whether to proceed and cover your share or to stay in to save money. Being completely honest with yourself, though, how happy would you be if you decided you'd prefer to stay home than to pay, so he simply stopped taking you out and you two ate in all the time?

[greta96]

While it's always appreciated, especially in the beginning, I don't think men should be expected to always pay for meals out. If you are not ok with splitting the cheque, then tell him you'd rather stay in and you both can take turns cooking at home.

The thing is, his money is his money (or his family's money, whatever the case may be), and he is within his rights to do with it as he sees fit. If he wants to eat out by himself or buy himself something, it's his right and he should do just that without explaining it to anybody.

 

So I don't see anything wrong with his request, in fact it would have been nice if you offered to pick up the cheque yourself once in a while, or at least pay your half. I know I would feel guilty to always let my boyfriend pay on dates...

 

Just my opinion...

[itsallgrand]

No. Just stop. You were fine eating out when it was on his dime. You do expect something - for him to pay for you on dates.

 

And no, it's 'not like it should be' that a man is expected to pay the way because you have a vagina.

 

Don't be so cheap!

[j.man]

No. Just stop. You were fine eating out when it was on his dime. You do expect something - for him to pay for you on dates.

 

And no, it's 'not like it should be' that a man is expected to pay the way because you have a vagina.

 

Don't be so cheap!

A single tear just rolled down my cheek. This post is just that beautiful.

[mustlovedogs]

Your financial situation isn't his problem. He doesn't have to pay for you.

[BeenThereB4]

Boyfriends and girlfriends either split the bill or take turns treating each other. This is the norm, even in the Deep South. I live there too. Yes, in the beginning, the man pays for everything, but once the relationship is established, things become more equitable.

 

You knew that he had ordered sushi. So, why did you go over there knowing that he would have no choice but to eat it in front of you? You could have asked him to let you know when he was finished with his dinner. At that point, you could have come over without pouting and had a good time hanging out with him.

[BeenThereB4]

"...don't get me wrong, I'm not a spoiled brat, nor am I expecting anything from him. I'm very independent. But I also expect my boyfriend to pay for dates."

 

Do you see how you contradicted yourself there? It seems to me like you expect him to pay for everything because he makes more money than you. Do you want to be a gold digger? If not, start splitting the bills.

[happyfrank]

At 7 months. Whoever invites should pay imo.

[WombatShadow]

I have never once gone into a date expecting to be paid for. Sometimes I pay, sometimes my date pays, and sometimes we both pay for ourselves.

 

That's pretty standard in this day and age IMO.

[abitbroken]

Actually . No. I would not split the bill. Instead i would tell him "let's take turns. One day, you pick where we eat and you pick up the bill, and the next time, i'll choose a place and pay". That way if you make less, you are not on the hook for splitting the bill when he orders a $100 dragon sushi boat and you order soup and he expects 50-50 split. Maybe whoever gets the bill that time, the other leaves the tip. I think that's better and makes for less resentment.

 

Why not invite him over your place for dinner sometimes, too.

[Scoe141]

Right or wrong, you need to sit down and talk about what's expected. Perhaps you two may not be compatible if you are unwilling to compromise on dinner arrangements.

 

Good luck.

[mustlovedogs]

Actually . No. I would not split the bill. Instead i would tell him "let's take turns. One day, you pick where we eat and you pick up the bill, and the next time, i'll choose a place and pay". That way if you make less, you are not on the hook for splitting the bill when he orders a $100 dragon sushi boat and you order soup and he expects 50-50 split. Maybe whoever gets the bill that time, the other leaves the tip. I think that's better and makes for less resentment.

 

Why not invite him over your place for dinner sometimes, too.

 

I super like this idea.

[Matt3939]

I'd only pull this if I felt like I was being taken advantage of. It's only happened once. She would want to go out 3 times a week this got very expensive if you added it up monthly. I don't agree with still going out and watching the other eat haha. I'd much rather make or at least help make my own food at home and maybe go out 1 time a week or every other. I'm a bit skewed though I eat out pretty much everyday writing this from a restaurant now actually. So I'd appreciate a home cooked meal.

[abitbroken]

I super like this idea.

 

If he won't eat at home, then the problem isn't money. If you are saving money, then you limit expenses. You eat at home, then go out for an ice cream in the park to listen to the concert under the stars, etc., Or you occasionally graze at your own places individually and then meet up.

 

I doubt if its true that the family business pays *all* his bills.

[Wiseman2]

Like this?

I'd appreciate a home cooked meal.

 

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[Annia]

I'll tell you what I usually tell women who complain about men not paying for their dates:

 

"So you want equality towards men... you work and make your money... yet you want to keep the status quo of being payed for your time when you date a guy and expect the free ride to last forever... just because "you deserve". "

 

Sometimes they answer with something like "but he makes more than I do... he should pay"

 

And I'll say something like "So? Does it make it your right to be payed for everything forever just because? It's his money, not yours. If you can't afford to pay the same plan cheap programs with him where you can pay your share, do free activities together and contribute proportionally in every way you can.

 

And you wouldn't believe the backlash I've received for saying this to other female friends or women in general lol

 

I usually hate this type of "get your man" services, but I think this video applies to this type of situation:

 

[video=youtube;71o3hq6iSPM] ]

[mustlovedogs]

If he won't eat at home, then the problem isn't money. If you are saving money, then you limit expenses. You eat at home, then go out for an ice cream in the park to listen to the concert under the stars, etc., Or you occasionally graze at your own places individually and then meet up.

 

I doubt if its true that the family business pays *all* his bills.

 

I meant I liked the whole dang thing, not just your last sentence (ie eating in)

[JaggerJim]

He still wants to eat out, but only wants to pay his half. You two have been dating long enough to know that at this stage, he wants you to pay for your own half. I doubt it would be forever, but he does not want to give up all luxuries, and just wants you to get on board and help out in this situation.

[Annia]

While it's always appreciated, especially in the beginning, I don't think men should be expected to always pay for meals out. If you are not ok with splitting the cheque, then tell him you'd rather stay in and you both can take turns cooking at home.

The thing is, his money is his money (or his family's money, whatever the case may be), and he is within his rights to do with it as he sees fit. If he wants to eat out by himself or buy himself something, it's his right and he should do just that without explaining it to anybody.

 

So I don't see anything wrong with his request, in fact it would have been nice if you offered to pick up the cheque yourself once in a while, or at least pay your half. I know I would feel guilty to always let my boyfriend pay on dates...

 

Just my opinion...

 

Exactly... if I was a man and my girlfriend never offered to pay the bill not even once... not even the "reaching the wallet as if she wants to pay" (lol) she wouldn't be my girlfriend... she'd be out the door quickly because this is not the equal and fair relationship I dream of. Also I'd see it as a redflag if she didn't even "reached her wallet" at first date, even if I had all the intention of paying her. Small details like this tell a lot about how one acts in relationships. I couldn't even imagine never picking the bill with a man... I would feel so guilty too, even if the guy had much more money than I do. But I guess we all have different values and expectations.

[abitbroken]

He still wants to eat out, but only wants to pay his half. You two have been dating long enough to know that at this stage, he wants you to pay for your own half. I doubt it would be forever, but he does not want to give up all luxuries, and just wants you to get on board and help out in this situation.

 

Yes, but it doesn't mean she has to be on board with luxuries. That is why i suggest taking turns. That way she can have some control as well especially if he wants to order rediculous things. It also teaches her his relationship with money. if he is asking for her to contribute and they have been going out to places where its $12 a person, and then because she is contributing, he starts wanting places that are $30 a person because her contribution helps him do that, it will speak more than words.

 

On her nights, she can pick the places she chooses - or spend the money to have a much nicer meal for the price of going out.