Boyfriend wants to start splitting dinner checks

[JaggerJim]

Exactly... if I was a man and my girlfriend never offered to pay the bill not even once... not even the "reaching the wallet as if she wants to pay" (lol) she wouldn't be my girlfriend... she'd be out the door quickly because this is not the equal and fair relationship I dream of. Also I'd see it as a redflag if she didn't even "reached her wallet" at first date, even if I had all the intention of paying her. Small details like this tell a lot about how one acts in relationships. I couldn't even imagine never picking the bill with a man... I would feel so guilty too, even if the guy had much more money than I do. But I guess we all have different values and expectations.

 

I don't think this guy even wants to go that far. All he wants is for her to help him out at this stage. Even for me, it's not the fact of her not reaching for her wallet everytime we go out, it's the fact that when it falls on hard-times and your trying to put a plan in place, that she would have to reach for her wallet, for awhile. Not forever.

[abitbroken]

I don't think this guy even wants to go that far. All he wants is for her to help him out at this stage. Even for me, it's not the fact of her not reaching for her wallet everytime we go out, it's the fact that when it falls on hard-times and your trying to put a plan in place, that she would have to reach for her wallet, for awhile. Not forever.

 

But if money was tight, wouldn't you eat in instead of going out for sushi? That would be the first thing I would do. My ex wanted to "keep up appearances" and be seen at the restaurants even though the cupboard was bare at home. If he had $20 in his pocket instead of buying meal stretching groceries and have food for at least 3 days, he'd want to go out to eat. Made sense, right?

[Annia]

I don't think this guy even wants to go that far. All he wants is for her to help him out at this stage. Even for me, it's not the fact of her not reaching for her wallet everytime we go out, it's the fact that when it falls on hard-times and your trying to put a plan in place, that she would have to reach for her wallet, for awhile. Not forever.

 

I think for me would be more the feeling of being taking advantage off and realising that in times of need she'd never help me out or support me because she expects me to support her every time like I were her parent just because. I also agree with the suggestions of eating home more often or instead of splitting the bill alternating. I don't even care if he really wants to save money or his motives or if the guy is Bill Gates... he does what he pleases with his money and doesn't have to justify it to her. She can accept this or find someone who's willing to support her if this is such a deal breaker for her.

[JaggerJim]

But if money was tight, wouldn't you eat in instead of going out for sushi? That would be the first thing I would do. My ex wanted to "keep up appearances" and be seen at the restaurants even though the cupboard was bare at home. If he had $20 in his pocket instead of buying meal stretching groceries and have food for at least 3 days, he'd want to go out to eat. Made sense, right?

 

Lol nope. If I want that sushi, I'm going to go get it. If she wants sushi, she's gonna have to reach for her wallet. Like I said, it wouldn't be forever. If she wants to eat at home, she can.

[journeynow]

It's 2017 and I'm astounded this comes up at all on ENA or anywhere. I graduated from high school in 1975, and never ever considered that men and women are not equal, equally able to make decisions, choices, pay for things, treat each other for things, follow the golden rule. That it DOES come up repeatedly on ENA I again question if we live in the same world. Maybe we live in parallel universes and a glitch has caused them to overlap. ;-)

[JaggerJim]

I think for me would be more the feeling of being taking advantage off and realising that in times of need she'd never help me out or support me because she expects me to support her every time like I were her parent just because. I also agree with the suggestions of eating home more often or instead of splitting the bill alternating. I don't even care if he really wants to save money or his motives or if the guy is Bill Gates... he does what he pleases with his money and doesn't have to justify it to her. She can accept this or find someone who's willing to support her if this is such a deal breaker for her.

 

I don't quite feel like that. I'm quite happy to pay when we are out. I don't expect her to pay. I just go with the flow, it does not worry me. I dont' look at the girl as such in a bad way if she does not reach for her wallet. But in this scenario, he has asked her to help him out, and she has a problem with it. That's when you know, your dating someone who expects you to pay. That isn't good.

[Wiseman2]

True she could have also gotten sushi, no?

Lol nope. If I want that sushi, I'm going to go get it. If she wants sushi, she's gonna have to reach for her wallet. Like I said, it wouldn't be forever. If she wants to eat at home, she can.

 

]

[Salty]

Why don't you want to feel that swell of pride and love you get when you spoil your partner at a restaurant? You can compromise by you going to the grocery store buying food for half the price and cooking meals at home for him andsince he makes more money he can foot the bill at restaurants.

[itsallgrand]

I don't quite feel like that. I'm quite happy to pay when we are out. I don't expect her to pay. I just go with the flow, it does not worry me. I dont' look at the girl as such in a bad way if she does not reach for her wallet. But in this scenario, he has asked her to help him out, and she has a problem with it. That's when you know, your dating someone who expects you to pay. That isn't good.

 

'Helping him out' by paying for her own food?

 

Like Journey and Annia, I just don't get where this thinking even comes from anymore. It's right up there with men who still think watching their own children is 'helping out' the wife.

[j.man]

'Helping him out' by paying for her own food?

 

Like Journey and Annia, I just don't get where this thinking even comes from anymore. It's right up there with men who still think watching their own children is 'helping out' the wife.

I do have to bite my tongue sometimes when a topic like this comes up because I do think the biggest consensus among women here (and maybe even men) isn't that it should be equal from start to finish, but that "after the first few dates, you should start paying," or "you should at least pay SOMETIMES (implying not equally but to sorta spice things up or as a favor)." And when you get someone on the more extreme end like the OP coming in, said folks actually sound very reasonable in comparison when, really, in 2017, it should be reflexive for both parties to put cash on the table. For whatever reason, dating seems to be the realm where gender equality continues to lag, whether at the behest of women who desire or expect to be treated or at the whim of men exercising a brand of benevolent chauvinism.

 

I mean to each their own as to whatever you arrange with your guy or gal, but I am not a fan of the implicit and unequal expectation. From Day 1, the default should be to pay for what you consume.

[itsallgrand]

Oh absolutely jman. I'm of the same mind.

[Wiseman2]

At 7 mos in you can (hopefully) expect to shift from wine and dine dating mode to relationship/partner mode. This means keeping the romance alive by both of you planning and doing fun things.

 

Including cooking together, Netflix and chill nights, take out, date nights, free or inexpensive things, hiking, local events, festivals, concerts. Mix things up and both of you work at making it fun and interesting. Your repertoire needs to expand and evolve if you want to progress.

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy who actually became angry if I offered to pay. When I asked him why, he said I was implying that he didn't have the money or that he couldn't afford to pay for me. In essence, he felt I was insulting his manhood. Seriously.

 

BUT...that attitude carried over into other aspects of his life too. He felt that since he was a MAN, I should understand that he was going to have sex with whatever woman wanted to have sex with him. And that I should understand that since he was a MAN, I shouldn't object when he said things like "Wow, look at that big-(breasted) one over there!" And I should be not only willing but EAGER to do his laundry and pick up his used towels and dirty clothes off the floor. After all, he was the MAN and I was the weak, dependent, helpless woman. He ended up starting a relationship with a woman who was calling him every 5 minutes with one crisis after another, while he spent less and less time with me, ball-buster that I was, since I had a job and kept my own household and paid my own way. Such a turn off.

 

OP, do you expect that if you two get married he will work and you'll stay home and keep house for him? Do you believe that the man should be the bread-winner?

[annie24]

It's time to start splitting the check!! Or at least start taking turns taking each other out. It's 2017. Women work outside the home, the reason men used to pay for dates is because women didn't tend to have jobs. That's not the case anymore.

[JaggerJim]

Don't over complicate it ladies. If a man wants to pay for you let him. Don't make a big drama out of it.

 

This guy had a plan. And the OP isn't happy with it!

[J Miracle]

Split bills, not hairs

[Annia]

I do have to bite my tongue sometimes when a topic like this comes up because I do think the biggest consensus among women here (and maybe even men) isn't that it should be equal from start to finish, but that "after the first few dates, you should start paying," or "you should at least pay SOMETIMES (implying not equally but to sorta spice things up or as a favor)." And when you get someone on the more extreme end like the OP coming in, said folks actually sound very reasonable in comparison when, really, in 2017, it should be reflexive for both parties to put cash on the table. For whatever reason, dating seems to be the realm where gender equality continues to lag, whether at the behest of women who desire or expect to be treated or at the whim of men exercising a brand of benevolent chauvinism.

 

I mean to each their own as to whatever you arrange with your guy or gal, but I am not a fan of the implicit and unequal expectation. From Day 1, the default should be to pay for what you consume.

 

 

 

Exactly.

[Capricorn3]

But I also expect my boyfriend to pay for dates.

 

What I get from your post is you have a sense of entitlement. A little bit of the "Princess syndrome" happening here, imo. Not nice.

 

This is 2017. Not the 1940's. You both work. So, pay your share.

[Annia]

Don't over complicate it ladies. If a man wants to pay for you let him. Don't make a big drama out of it.

 

This guy had a plan. And the OP isn't happy with it!

 

I let him if he insists, but I never expect it and I always offer to pay my share or at least contributing in a proportionate and fair way. Weather it's the first or the 100th date.

 

I had a boyfriend who made lots of money at a time where I was in college and could barely afford my expenses. He would offer to pay me everything when we went out, but that wasn't sitting right with me. I found it very sweet, but it just wasn't me letting him pay for everything every time. So because he knew that, even if we went to somewhere expensive and I told him I couldn't afford and he wanted to pay everything, he'd let me pay a small part of it (what I could afford). Yes, he wanted to pay everything and we did lots of programs at home and all that, but he knew that I wouldn't feel right if he payed all the time everything so he would let me pay proportionally to what I could just so I could feel good with myself. I thought that this was normal practice in a relationship and dating in general in this day and age, but he told me that he was super impressed with my willingness to pay at least something most of the times and it was one of the reasons he respected me so much. I still think this is not all that, it's just common sense to me.

[Ms Darcy]

If you weren't dating him, how would you eat? Just do that.

 

I imagine if you were alone, you wouldn't be so eager to go out to eat.

 

Buy food at the grocery store and cook it together. Much cheaper.

 

In the current situation, you are taking advantage of him.

[charity]

So I agree with everyone that this is not right and OP needs to check herself...but......These types of things are part of our socialization so in one way I don't blame the OP at all. She has been brought up that way and its now part of her to think that this is how it should be. Every time she has to pay she is going to feel bad and she can't really help that. This has been taught to her and most of us since we were kids.

 

I think it takes a lot of awareness and thinking outside of the norm to be totally cool with going halves on dates. And that type of thinking really shows whose down with equality among the sexes and whose not.

 

I've just done some research on couples who both work full time. In almost all of the couples I interviewed, the women did the vast majority of the household chores..we're talking 80:20. Some of the women in these couples did not like this set up and made attempts to change it (Just like the OP'S boyfriend). But some of the women were completely fine with it and never questioned it at all (just like some men insist on paying all the time)

 

Have you heard of 'doing gender'? It's where all these actions are making a point of us identifying with our gender. So when a man pays a bill he is showing his masculinity, when she does not, she is showing her femininity. In regards to housework, men who are unemployed sometimes do less housework so that the masculinity they lost through unemployment is somewhat salvaged.

 

The bottom line is that OP is a women with traditional gender ideal and she wants/needs a man that shares those values....her boyfriend is not one.

[hdanielle]

I'm literally in the same situation

[j.man]

So I agree with everyone that this is not right and OP needs to check herself...but......These types of things are part of our socialization so in one way I don't blame the OP at all. She has been brought up that way and its now part of her to think that this is how it should be. Every time she has to pay she is going to feel bad and she can't really help that. This has been taught to her and most of us since we were kids.

 

I think it takes a lot of awareness and thinking outside of the norm to be totally cool with going halves on dates. And that type of thinking really shows whose down with equality among the sexes and whose not.

 

I've just done some research on couples who both work full time. In almost all of the couples I interviewed, the women did the vast majority of the household chores..we're talking 80:20. Some of the women in these couples did not like this set up and made attempts to change it (Just like the OP'S boyfriend). But some of the women were completely fine with it and never questioned it at all (just like some men insist on paying all the time)

 

Have you heard of 'doing gender'? It's where all these actions are making a point of us identifying with our gender. So when a man pays a bill he is showing his masculinity, when she does not, she is showing her femininity. In regards to housework, men who are unemployed sometimes do less housework so that the masculinity they lost through unemployment is somewhat salvaged.

 

The bottom line is that OP is a women with traditional gender ideal and she wants/needs a man that shares those values....her boyfriend is not one.

And I guarantee were a guy to come on here lamenting the fact his girlfriend has the audacity to ask him to do dishes, replies wouldn't be nearly as kind as in this thread. "Deep South" or not, we're not talking remote Appalachia and women aren't living out their lives exclusively on plantations anymore. She's got as little excuse as any American man who were to come on here saying a woman should clean the house simply for being a woman. There'd be cries of sexism, not well wishes and kind suggestions to find a traditional woman. And rightfully so.

 

I do get that there needs to be understanding, but sometimes a degree of abrasiveness does serve the purpose of emphasizing just how off-base someone is, particularly if they're touting their own independence while bemoaning paying for her own plate.

[ParisPaulette]

This is really not that big of a deal.

 

A) Yes, you do need to put money in for dates. We fought for equality as women and this means we also put in money when we want to go out. Fair is fair and it's get expensive paying for going out, regardless of who does it, so why should the guy always be the one to foot the bill. That's not equality.

 

B) BUT just as I would expect from any guy out there I was dating, going out should not mean one goes broke doing it.

 

Tell him you can afford to pay X, Y, Z whatever amount for dates. And then you tell him you will pick the places to go eat, so that you stay within budget since you have to watch your finances. Something that he knows. OR you do what my husband and I do and we each pick up the tab for an entire meal/date depending on what we can each afford. And we are mindful of our finances, meaning when I don't have a ton of money he knows and is fine with the fact I may take him to a less expensive restaurant to eat or we'll go out and we go to my local bar on a night that has drinks and free music for far less than say on a Friday night. If I have more cash then the date will be more pricey and vice versa. We fell into this rhythm early on and we've done it ever since. He was always respectful of the fact I often had less free cash than he did, so he didn't do something like your boyfriend did of going out to an expensive meal. Nonetheless, we rarely go get sushi because it is expensive. I would have told the boyfriend since I was paying for half the meal this is what I could afford to pay and then he could either pick up the rest of the tab OR not get as much food.

 

Because it's my money too, and I don't spend any more than I can afford. Don't care if I'm eating with a billionaire. I can afford what I can afford and I am ruthless with my budget. If they don't like it, they don't have to eat with me. Tell your boyfriend what you can afford to pay when you go out and what you can't afford to pay or what places you can't even afford half the bill at.

 

He does have a right to ask you to contribute financially. He doesn't have a right to then want to go to a place you can't afford to go to, and then ask you to pay for a meal you can't afford at even half price. And you need to speak up about that, because if you can't discuss things like that you will get nowhere even trying to have a relationship with the guy in the first place.

 

But should you pay? Absolutely. Just have a talk with him about what you can and can't afford. OR how often you can or can't afford something. Part of a relationship growing is that both of you learn to manage money together as a team. It's not an "Well, they can afford that and I can't." It's simply an, "This is what I can afford."

 

And if you find you both can't agree to that then you have a lot more problems than just who splits a meal. And the time to find that out is now and to work out an arrangement you are both happy with or that you aren't on the same page in a lot of ways and you go your separate ways over that.

 

P.S. This is also my recommendation to the guys out there. No going broke taking your girlfriend out to fancy restaurants and outings you can't afford.

[reinventmyself]

I pay to scale. Meaning, my bf can afford to do more and I would otherwise not be able to keep up.

He also would offer to pay everything, but I am not his dependent therefore I want to pay my fair share.

Fair share is subjective of course, but I'll pay around 40 percent of the time.

 

Separate checks seems very impersonal. So does eating in front of your partner when they can't afford it.

I would not feel like a couple. I would rather pick up the check and treat him almost half the time and he does what's comfortable for him.

It works and he appreciates it. Most women he has dated did not contribute.

 

Short of separate checks I would come up with something equitable.