I am jealous of my boyfriends friend?

[Butterflyxx]

My boyfriend has one male friend in particular who I don't like. He is very self-centred & is funny when me and my boyfriend are together & he wants to meet him all the time.

 

When me and my bf are together, he goes on his phone, answering messages etc and I feel unhappy because I think it's rude & I like to value our time together.

Anyway, so last night me and my boyfriend were on a walk, and then it had to be cut short because his mate kept constantly calling him because he was upset.

I went home & my boyfriend didn't message me all night (unusual for him), because his mate was upset that his other mates mum died. He need consolation from my boyfriend because he saw his friend cry.

I understand the news is sad for the guy who's family member died, but unsure as to why my boyfriends friend needed three hours of time spent devoted on him, whereas when I'm with my boyfriend I'd never get that. I'm jealous and I hate it.

If he was upset for an actual genuine reason then that'd be different.

I wish I was lucky enough to get 3 hours of solid talking instead of him going on his phone.

We ended up arguing all night & he's mad at me, called me mental & attention seeking.

Am I in the wrong? Please help

[TheRawTruth]

No, you're not wrong. I understand about the guy being upset that ONE TIME (even though it wasn't HIS mom that died, it was his friend's. Still.) But be that as it may, it shouldn't happen ALL the time. Nor should your boyfriend get mad at YOU for expecting some TIME with him. I could understand if you were MONOPOLIZING his time. But if you can't even get 3 HOURS with him, he clear doesn't have his priorities straight.

[Butterflyxx]

No, you're not wrong. I understand about the guy being upset that ONE TIME (even though it wasn't HIS mom that died, it was his friend's. Still.) But be that as it may, it shouldn't happen ALL the time. Nor should your boyfriend get mad at YOU for expecting some TIME with him. I could understand if you were MONOPOLIZING his time. But if you can't even get 3 HOURS with him, he clear doesn't have his priorities straight.

 

I see him more than 3 hours, but when we meet I feel like sometimes it's pointless because he's on his phone talking to his friends & I feel like my presence isn't important to him.

I was jealous that his mate gets three full hours of talking with no distractions and I never get that. I feel so jealous over it, it makes me upset.

[leeawsum]

I think you should talk about your boyfriend about this, communication is always the key, show him that you're unhappy and tell him that as your girlfriend, you deserve his attention (if not more than his best friend, the attention must be at least equal)

 

But make sure to understand him, best friends are important too. Although it is rude to focus on your phone when the moment is supposed to be for you two ONLY, especially when you guys are out on a date.

 

Make sure to not let the discussion out of hand, you really don't need to argue about it. Be understanding while making your point and standing your ground

[Butterflyxx]

I think you should talk about your boyfriend about this, communication is always the key, show him that you're unhappy and tell him that as your girlfriend, you deserve his attention (if not more than his best friend, the attention must be at least equal)

 

But make sure to understand him, best friends are important too. Although it is rude to focus on your phone when the moment is supposed to be for you two ONLY, especially when you guys are out on a date.

 

Make sure to not let the discussion out of hand, you really don't need to argue about it. Be understanding while making your point and standing your ground

 

I have tried this many times before, and when we argued last night he said I was being very rude for not understanding why his friend was upset. I just felt so mad and jealous that we ended up arguing. I don't know why he needed three whole hours of no distractions when I never ever get that. I understand he was upset, and if I was upset with the same reason, I wouldn't get the same treatment.

I don't know what to do because I've told him so many times before to no avail.

[Salty]

Next time his friend is around ask them if they are secretly sucking eachothers ps because somethings not right here.

[Butterflyxx]

Next time his friend is around ask them if they are secretly sucking eachothers ps because somethings not right here.

I made that statement last night whilst arguing.

It's not my boyfriend that's the issue, it's his friend. I think he's gay or something seriously.

For the life of me, I cannot get my head around why my boyfriends friend needed support as he saw his other friend cry due to a death in their family. Surely it would be the guy who's family member died that would need the support, not his friend?!?

 

Ahh I just am so irritated.

[Seraphim]

Ok, so tell me would you be upset if a friend's mother died? Answer honestly.

[Butterflyxx]

Ok, so tell me would you be upset if a friend's mother died? Answer honestly.

Yes I would be, of course. However, if my friends mums friend died I'd be there supporting HER, instead of making my boyfriend meet me and for him to support ME for three hours.

That's just attention seeking and self-centred.

[Seraphim]

I think in death there should be compassion. The other times sure I would have questions about. But this I would leave alone so you don't look callous.

[Butterflyxx]

I think in death there should be compassion. The other times sure I would have questions about. But this I would leave alone so you don't look callous.

 

I just know if it was the other way round I wouldn't get the same treatment as his friend got from my boyfriend. He'd be straight on his phone

[Seraphim]

I just know if it was the other way round I wouldn't get the same treatment as his friend got from my boyfriend. He'd be straight on his phone

 

Your issue is with your bf not his friend. He is the one that won't tell his friend no.

[Butterflyxx]

Your issue is with your bf not his friend. He is the one that won't tell his friend no.

What do I do ahout it

[Seraphim]

You need to talk about it.

[j.man]

Is this the same boyfriend you've made like 20 threads about over the course of a year? I think you've done enough "talking about it." I think it's time for you both to talk to-- and see-- other people.

[ParisPaulette]

No, but I think this is a giant incompatability that's not going to get any better, because your boyfriend continues to place his friend above you. I'm sorry, but it's rude regardless of anyone who pays more attention to and is constantly on the phone instead of just being with the person they are with. Your boyfriend sounds like he takes you for granted or just isn't all that into you to begin with.

 

Maybe it's time to end things and seek out someone not so tied to their phone and another person's drama? I would give you this same advice regardless of who it is he's on the phone with all the time and/or running off and leaving you to be with. You clearly aren't the priority and it's okay to feel like you should be. I wouldn't even put up wit that kind of behavior from someone I've hired to do a job, let alone family or friends or a partner.

 

This is where I think you may want to serous examine why you're staying with this guy in the first place. He has made it clear who his priority is and it isn't you.

 

P.S. j.man has a point. If you have to keep making threads about they did this or they did that, it's probably time to just walk away. Life is too short to waste and relationships are not supposed to be that difficult, not on basic things like being able to put your phone down for ten minutes to really talk to your partner.

 

P.P.S. You need to walk away from anyone who becomes verbally abusive when you try to talk to them, regardless. Him making out you are the one with the problem is called gaslighting, never put up with that. It's a sign things are going to get worse, because he doesn't take your opinions seriously and would rather deflect the issues on to you claiming you have mental problems for it.

 

And you don't, he's being very rude. Leave him to his friend, let them date each other, and go find someone you're a priority to, not an option.

[Wiseman2]

Dump him. It's not going to get better as far as his priorities. He doesn't want to make time for you and now he's resorted to name-calling.

We ended up arguing all night & he's mad at me, called me mental & attention seeking.

[rosephase]

I made that statement last night whilst arguing.

It's not my boyfriend that's the issue, it's his friend. I think he's gay or something seriously.

For the life of me, I cannot get my head around why my boyfriends friend needed support as he saw his other friend cry due to a death in their family. Surely it would be the guy who's family member died that would need the support, not his friend?!?

 

Ahh I just am so irritated.

 

It's your boyfriend that is the problem. He makes the choice not to give you the time and attention you've repeatedly asked for. He is the he who chooses how to spend his time. He is the one who doesn't give you three hours or uninterrupted time. Truth be told if he's always on his phone and doesn't seem that invested about spending time with you? He's not that into you.

[boltnrun]

I thought you said he was a lot better and that he gives you plenty of attention now?

 

Seems like it's the same old issue you've been having for at least a year.

[catfeeder]

There's no law that says we must like our lover's friends or that they must like ours. As with family members, we either demo respect for the people who were there before us--or those relationships will be the ones who last after we're gone.

 

When we try to control the time a BF spends with friends, we deprive ourselves of valuable information. Learning that he devotes a lot of time to friends means that he's loyal to relationships. Instead of complaining about that, continue nurturing your own friendships in the same way you did before taking up with BF.

 

We don't get to enter someone's life and change where they place their priorities. We observe and learn whether they treat us well, and if they don't see us often enough, we can attempt to negotiate by offering something of value in exchange for more time--a reward method instead of complaining (which is punishment). That won't 'work,' it just creates resentment.

 

People move toward pleasure and away from pain. You won't get what you want by becoming a pain. If positivity and reward won't make things right, you can be certain that trying to battle a wrong with more wrong won't work either. So you can erode what you've got and be even more miserable about that, or you can nurture the relationship with respect for BF's choices--OR, you can ditch the thing as a bad fit, and go seek someone who's more devoted to you.

[nutbrownhare]

Reading between the lines here, I suspect that it's not just about the friend, but the fact that your boyfriend finds ways of pushing you away even when you're together. You feel anxious, taken for granted and excluded - and demand more from him. He responds by pulling away even further to avoid your irritation, so then you feel even more excluded... and so on.

 

The only way you're going to resolve this in a way which won't leave you feeling bereft is if you cultivate more than one source of emotional support - make sure you see more of your friends if they've been neglected recently, do activities which don't rely on him being there, and share your feelings with others. This will make you a lot less needy in the relationship, you'll have much more to bring to it and you'll be much happier in yourself. Ironically, this is far more likely to draw him towards you than arguing about his lack of attention - which is only likely to drive him away.

 

You may find this article interesting: /

[TheRawTruth]

Ok, so tell me would you be upset if a friend's mother died? Answer honestly.

 

Yeah, but she said this happens ALL the time. Not just the one night of the friend's mother dying. She's saying this happens all too frequently. That's what I'd have an issue with. Death is one thing. Of course you should excuse that. But what about all the other occasions prior to that?