Is this as good as it gets?

[Jwin]

Five years ago I moved away from my home town, divorcing my unfaithful husband of 15 years, to a very small rural town of 250 where my son lives. After dating my now boyfriend for a couple months, he moved me in with him and have been together since. He is still not committed to getting married (but not even sure that's what I want). He is now 52, has a reputation for sleeping with married women and was single for 10+ years before I met him. He has done numerous things in our relationship that have given me ample reason for leaving, but has also been very generous compared to my other past relationships. He's a good provider and we do have a lot of fun together. Back about 6 months ago, he bought a new Harley and calls it mine, even though it's in his name, so he obviously wants me with him. A couple months or so after he purchased it, I went out of state for about 3 weeks for training. During my absence, I had a left a voice activated recorder in the kitchen, just like I did my husband. I did this because I was looking for answers, one of the reasons I left town in the first place. Two days after returning home, I listened to the recorder. I heard a phone conversation and shortly thereafter, the batteries died so don't know what else could've been on that tape. But what was recorded was where he (my boyfriend) had his phone on speaker so was able to hear both ends of conversation. He was on the phone with what everyone local believed to be "just a friend" who was a married woman, and in short were making plans to meet for a "date" just after badmouthing me and ridiculing my bf for anything nice he did for me. I went back through my phone and found no reply to texts or phone calls on the Friday they planned to meet. I get anxiety just thinking about it. Later that same day, I asked him if there was anything he should tell me and if he had been in contact with her, he of course denied over and over, until I played the recording. He justified lying because he said he knew I had some information and wanted to hear what I had to say. He claimed they never did get together on that Friday and that he just went home to bed, and excused his behavior by saying he just likes the chase. I made him call her right then and tell her he loved me and to never to speak to him again, I also made him call her husband and inform him of his wrongdoing as well as emailing the recording to the husband for his listening "pleasure". I simply don't believe my boyfriend, I don't trust him. This woman is best friends with my boyfriends daughter as well as his assistant. Again, it's a very small community. A few years back my bf was having an emotional affair with his assistant, which I confronted him about on several occasions, and he saw nothing wrong with it. They texted night and day, about 5% was about work, the rest was well, she obviously loved the attention and so did he. Her husband worked constantly. I finally went to the assistants husband and informed him of it, which backfired on me. Since I was working for my boyfriend, she did the payroll and they decided to stop paying me out of retaliation. Since then my bf has allowed her to attack me several times with no defense for me. I've also seen many texts from her trashing me. I'm the outsider here, I've tried several businesses which have failed. I've applied for jobs with with no luck. I cannot fulfill my goals in this area. My boyfriend only tells me he loves me after I say it to him. He's not affectionate, he's very critical, and doesn't have much, if any, empathy. In fact, I've even wondered if he is psychotic/narcissistic ? I'm just about 50 years old, which he is bringing me on a week long ski trip for my birthday. I've already moved out once a year after moving in with him, due to his constant texting and flirting with other women. I've spoken to him about my distrust. He explains that he feels he has changed quite substantially from 5 years ago. I believe he wants me here taking care of him and keeping him company. He does say he likes his girlfriend (me) and doesn't want me to go. I think he wants his cake and eat it too. I'm old fashioned and feel we need to have a goal in mind, but my thoughts on marriage are you work together on things, no secrets, and there's commitment and loyalty, all of which he cannot fulfill. It's a tough world out there, I was a single mom for 10 years making it on my own, a lot of stress and caused me to have seizures. So I stay because he has made it easy, but don't feel that's the basis for a long term relationship. I feel I have opportunities out there that I'm denying myself of. I also truly believe there is something/someone better for me out there. I have learned that to have expectations of someone is the real destruction of a relationship, and that I need to count my blessings. I feel at this point I'm depressed, alone, and feel this may be all there is and that the rest is just a fantasy. Again, I'm coming up 50, I am attractive and smart and fit. Do I continue in this relationship because he is trying to be a better person? I've somewhat molded him for the past 5 years and it's been a lot of work. I know there's bad that comes with the good. I also know my bf's parents didn't do a good job raising him and teaching him about integrity, and feel my bf does want to be a good person, just doesn't know how... Or am I giving him too much credit. ?? As you can see I'm very conflicted and tired. I've even thought about just walking away, leave all my belongings and property and start fresh in another state where I have relatives willing to help my new start. I can't imagine living here for the rest of my life, feel like it's a sentence. Or am I just not appreciating what I have ?? God help me

[Hollyj]

Be kind to your readers and use paragraphs.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Please edit with paragraphs. This is unreadable.

[SooSad33]

but my thoughts on marriage are you work together on things, no secrets, and there's commitment and loyalty, all of which he cannot fulfill.

- You said it!

 

HOW has HE made anything 'easy' for you? Cause he's a convenience? Nah.. dont sell yourself short.

 

IF he were really into you he wouldnt be doing all this crap to you

AND- if he's a Narc/psych... more reason to walk and keep walking!

 

Always take care of YOU.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you just jumped into this by moving in after dating 2 mos. Sounds like you are not on the same page or compatible on many levels.

 

It seems you would have to continue to "mold" him too much to make him the marriage minded tame faithful guy you want.

 

Wow...that would be the end for a lot of people 6779571] During my absence, I had a left a voice activated recorder in the kitchen, just like I did my husband. I did this because I was looking for answers

[Hollyj]

Good God! You knew who he was, yet went ahead with the relationship.

 

He has cheated on you at least twice - that you know of - yet you are thinking he may morph into a decent, trusting human being. He does not love or respect you!!!

 

You went from one cheater to another. Wake up, and and stop wasting your life on these creeps! You need to be alone for a long while to understand your pattern of choosing inappropriate men.

 

Be done with this already! What a waste of one's life!!!!!!

[melancholy123]

A lot of people won't read this due to the wall of text. I am one of them.

[Betterwithout]

He's a good provider

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume this is one attribute that keeps you with this douchebag. No amount of "good providing" is worth staying for. I understand it's hard to leave without a place to land, and you've struggled as a single Mom for 10 years in the past, but how much can one take with a lying cheat? He probably feels that as long as he is providing for you, he can do as he pleases. Wrong on so many levels.

 

I've even thought about just walking away, leave all my belongings and property and start fresh in another state where I have relatives willing to help my new start. I can't imagine living here for the rest of my life, feel like it's a sentence. Or am I just not appreciating what I have ?? God help me

 

Your thoughts serve you well. Listen to them closely. Indeed, I suggest contacting your relatives in another state and leave this guy, like yesterday. It would be great to start your next and much better life chapter at age 50 wouldn't it? You know this to be true yourself.

[Wiseman2]

Do you have a lot of common interests because it seems you stick around for lack of better opportunities,no?

he bought a new Harley and calls it mine, even though it's in his name, so he obviously wants me with him.

 

]

[Jwin]

Will do, my first post

[Jwin]

We snow ski and ride barleys together, and you are correct, I'm in a remote area

[Hollyj]

We snow ski and ride barleys together, and you are correct, I'm in a remote area

 

You stay in relationship for this??? C'mon! Where is your self respect!

[Jwin]

Thank you, this is what I need

[Jwin]

You're absolutely right, I used to be confident and not tolerate disrespect, and that's what I'm looking for again is my self respect!

[Jwin]

Thank you Hollyj, This is the thing I need to hear, pick myself up from being a rug and get out...

[Hollyj]

Thank you Hollyj, This is the thing I need to hear, pick myself up from being a rug and get out...

 

Girl,

 

You are sooooo much better than this fool. The moment you have to play detective, is the time to bail. He will not change.

[DancingFool]

What's with all the investigating, recording, going to the other person's SO, etc, etc, etc. Why are you bringing this kind of nonsense drama onto yourself????? When you already know from prior history and reputation that the man is a cheater, you simply don't get involved. Period. If you didn't know and realized later, you drop him like a hot rock the second you realize he is scum. Skip the confrontational drama. You aren't going to teach anyone anything and you already know that it can and will backfire on you if you try.

 

As for the rest, I personally can't imagine trying to make it in a population of 250. It's not working for you, so move out. Go where jobs are, go where you have a chance to stand on your own two feet. Go where you can make new friends, have actual options, build your life back up and actually enjoy it. There is nothing to hold you in this tiny village. Nothing.

[catfeeder]

If you're willing to trade living in a lousy relationship for this a good provider

 

...then, yes, that's as good as it's going to get.

[Annia]

He's a douchebag, you are not compatible, you have trust issues, you have a pattern of choosing untrustworthy men and ignoring red flags, you seem to have some dependant issues ("he's a good provider") and low self esteem. Break up, keep away from him, therapy and lots of healing and only getting into a new relationship when you're healed and have your issues and self esteem under control. Also when you find someone take your time to know that person before you jump into the relationship or move in together. Also don't depend on anyone to provide for you.

 

Good luck.