sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Hi everyone, I met my boyfriend on Bumble and we have been dating for 3 months. He seems very serious about the relationship. We have defined our relationship (bf/gf) and we said "I love you" 2 weeks ago. He also introduced me to his dad and some other relatives when they visited a city nearby. He is just very sweet and caring and spend a lot of effort to know me. I have nothing to complain about. A week ago, he told me that he and his roommate/best friend (female) had a spontaneous trip to another state for skiing since they've always wanted to go there so they booked the trip and went last weekend. There's only two of them and they will stay in the same room (different beds). I already met her multiple times (eating out) and she also recently has a boyfriend and she seems like a sister to my boyfriend. They are in the same training program together and have been friends for almost 2 years. I feel like I can trust him and his friend but I still feel uneasy since I would not do anything to make my boyfriend be uncomfortable or put myself in a situation like that. He asked if I wanted to go but I couldn't make it because of my budget. He did told me that his roommate is the one that asked him to ask me if I wanted to go. So they went skiing for a day and explored the downtown city over there the next day. I trust him, but for some reason, I feel very sad about it. Maybe because I am just different because I have a different standard to myself that I would not do something like that with a male friend when I am in a relationship. I am just worried a lot since I was cheated on before and question in my head about my boyfriend's boundaries regarding to female friends. Of course I am ok with them hanging out but a trip together with the same room in a hotel just make me feel uncomfortable. Should I talk to him about what I feel? I feel like this will set the tone of the relationship in the future since we have been together for three months. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Yes this. Living together as best friends is an even bigger red flag than "spontaneous ski trips". Even though they are friends they are acting like a couple.they live together? Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Yes, they live together with her sister as well. They are in the same training together since 2015 and that program will end in 2018. Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Not cool at all. What's not cool? Could you elaborate on that? Thank you! Link to comment
rosephase Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 He already lives with her. Why would this ski trip be any different? Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 What's the big deal? They are roommates already, so if they were going to fool around with each other, they can do that in their apt. or in a hotel somewhere! You cant have it both ways. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I don't think you've got anything to worry about regarding your relationship, but it's understandable that you felt sad about not being able to go on the trip. Your guy sounds pretty committed to you, his room mate has a boyfriend and they already share a house. If he has sisters/a very good relationship with his mother, then he's likely to get on well with women with no further consequence. Of course, only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker, but cheating doesn't seem to be an issue here. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Is there something you are leaving out. I just don't see why they would go out of their way to to go on a ski trip to cheat, when they could cheat way more by living together. Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Is there something you are leaving out. I just don't see why they would go out of their way to to go on a ski trip to cheat, when they could cheat way more by living together. That's all information I have. I know they would be able to cheat by living together if they want to. I don't say that they would go on a ski trip just to cheat. It's just the fact that they want to go to a ski trip together and stay in the same room in a hotel is not how people in relationship would usually do. I would not do that just to not put myself in any situation and not to let my significant other worry about anything like that. It would be fine if they go in a group or something. but If they are able to go this time, there's probably next time. You know love can develop from a best-friend relationship and they are having memories together on these trips. Link to comment
rosephase Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 That's all information I have. I know they would be able to cheat by living together if they want to. I don't say that they would go on a ski trip just to cheat. It's just the fact that they want to go to a ski trip together and stay in the same room in a hotel is not how people in relationship would usually do. I would not do that just to not put myself in any situation and not to let my significant other worry about anything like that. It would be fine if they go in a group or something. but If they are able to go this time, there's probably next time. You know love can develop from a best-friend relationship and they are having memories together on these trips. If you aren't okay with him having close female friends let him know now. Then you both can find someone better suited for each other. I think this cultural idea that men and women can't be friends is deeply damaging. If he is going to fall in love with someone else he'll do it, ski trip or not. If he is going to cheat he is going to do it, female roommate or not. You would rather limit him then work on your insecurity. In the long run that will cripple you both. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 My thoughts are even if there's nothing going on while on this trip, the fact that he wouldn't take into account how his girlfriend would feel about staying in the same hotel room together, among other things, would tell the story as to his commitment towards the relationship. In general this seems tacky, and he seems a bit clueless, (imo). Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Do you and he take "spontaneous trips" or do fun things? he and his roommate/best friend (female) had a spontaneous trip to another state for skiing since they've always wanted to go there so they booked the trip and went last weekend. Link to comment
J Miracle Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 It was your ex boyfriend who cheated on you, not this current guy. He deserves a clean slate. Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 If you aren't okay with him having close female friends let him know now. Then you both can find someone better suited for each other. I think this cultural idea that men and women can't be friends is deeply damaging. If he is going to fall in love with someone else he'll do it, ski trip or not. If he is going to cheat he is going to do it, female roommate or not. You would rather limit him then work on your insecurity. In the long run that will cripple you both. I didn't say they can't be friends. I am fine with them hanging out. But having a getaway in another state for the weekend and staying in the same hotel room is much more to just being close friends. Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 It was your ex boyfriend who cheated on you, not this current guy. He deserves a clean slate. Right. He does. I am just wondering if this would be a pattern and if that is acceptable. Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Do you and he take "spontaneous trips" or do fun things? Yes, we do fun things and we traveled to a nearby city last month and planned to go to a wedding together in another state next month. Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Is there something you are leaving out. I just don't see why they would go out of their way to to go on a ski trip to cheat, when they could cheat way more by living together. One other that I remember is that when he asked if I wanted to go, he mentioned that the trip might not be fun for me since I don't have experience skiing/snowboarding. Anyway, they went skiing for only one day and hangout in the big city downtown in that state the next day. Link to comment
J Miracle Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 If there's a healthy level of trust, I would not see her as a threat, given that he did invite you. In terms of skiing, I know for me I am hesitant with bringing new people, especially girlfriends, to ski/snowboard with me. Do you know how to ski? Its a very expensive and involved sport that takes a lot of time to learn. I wouldn't want to drag along somebody who might tie me down to the bunny slopes all day. For this exact reason, i have been leaving my romantic interest out of my snow time, and i go with my platonic lady friend every weekend. Just a thought. Link to comment
rosephase Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I didn't say they can't be friends. I am fine with them hanging out. But having a getaway in another state for the weekend and staying in the same hotel room is much more to just being close friends. Is it? I mean... he could have a male friend that he did that same thing with right? I think vacations are a pretty normal things for close friends. So where is the line for you? If they didn't share a room? Or is it going out of state? Or is it staying for a weekend? I have a close male friend (who is also my roommate) and we go out of state and stay in the same hotel room and *gasp* even will sleep in the same bed. We are close friends. We aren't going to suddenly start having sex or fall out of love with our partners. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 They are living together and you are fine with that. Don't see how this trip makes any difference to the current arrangement. Either you trust him and believe their friendship is purely platonic or you really don't. Are you just jealous that you couldn't go and feel like you got left out? Even so, you were invited, so not like he snuck off on you or something shady. You simply couldn't afford to come along. Also agree with the other poster, that unless you know how to ski, for such a brief trip I wouldn't want to take someone with me who will limit what I'd like to do. It is way too expensive and too little precious time on the slopes. I wouldn't want to spend that time babysitting the SO who can't keep up or doesn't know how to ski at all. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 So living together and sleeping under the same roof every night = OK, but hotel room is NOT OK?? Are you truly OK with them living together or are you just pretending to be? Link to comment
sailormoonk Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Yeah. I am trying my best to not make a big deal out of it and I do understand that I would slow him down if I went skiing with him. Maybe I am just jealous a little bit. I am truly ok with them living together though. Thanks everyone for your comments. Link to comment
Mika1006 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Is it? I mean... he could have a male friend that he did that same thing with right? I think vacations are a pretty normal things for close friends. So where is the line for you? If they didn't share a room? Or is it going out of state? Or is it staying for a weekend? I have a close male friend (who is also my roommate) and we go out of state and stay in the same hotel room and *gasp* even will sleep in the same bed. We are close friends. We aren't going to suddenly start having sex or fall out of love with our partners. I find this scenario not acceptable while in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure I'm not in minority. Link to comment
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