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Why did I not hear back from a guy I went out with?


Broomwood

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Hello, here's a question about another guy. I am thinking of contacting him, but don't understand why he hasn't talked to me again.

 

We went out three times, and while we really liked each other, each time there was misunderstanding of some sort. The first time he didn't focus his attention on me too much, and I didn't find this enchanting. He is one of these very handsome, tall and very successful guys who is also a bit arrogant. That said, the date was fun. He misunderstood me then, and thought I didn't like him. While I liked him, but thought that he didn't like me. Classic.

 

Anyways, we resolved it, and went out the second time. It was climbing, and we had lots of fun. Again, he didn't focus his attention on me too much, and didn't ask me any personal questions which I found quite annoying because I liked him. After it, he kept in touch texting me and asking for a third date. Amidst all the banter which we usually have a lot, I said that only if he showed me that he wanted to get to know me as person, and that he asked me questions about myself. He agreed. Already in texts he started showing more interest and asking more questions about myself, which I welcomed and said that I appreciated it.

 

We went out the third time. It was better this time and he did ask me questions about myself, and was interested to find out about my life. Great. We had a very deep conversation about his life goals. At the end, he grabbed my hands and held them. I was feeling shy. He, "Look me in the eyes. Are you comfortable?" Me, "Getting there". He, "Good". We went off to take the tube home. On the tube only talked current events and politics. At my station he asked if he can walk me home. I said that he can. On the way to mine we continued talking current events. By my front porch he gave me two big kisses on the cheeks and briskly walked off without saying anything. We did give kisses on the cheeks in the past, but those were air kisses, while these were real kisses. The next day he texted me phone number of a tennis coach I had asked him for, and we exchanged our plans for that weekend. As I was going to a dance performance, he wished me fun. And that was it. I haven't heard back from him. As I was busy dating another guy, I didn't think too much of why this one isn't talking to me. But now as things aren't working out with the other guy, I am thinking that I should perhaps contact this one. But I don't understand why he hasn't got back to me as he obviously liked me. What do you guys think? And what to tell him.

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I tend to think you're trying to fix him too early. Correcting him on his mannerisms on date two is weird. He may have realized that.

 

I disagree. If a guy cannot focus his attention on me and does not ask me question about myself, I cannot be with this guy. So for me it was essential to understand this as soon as possible.

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Unfortunately guy 1 sounds like too much work and never sounded too interested until you begged him to act more interested.

 

What happened with guy 2?

he didn't focus his attention on me too much

Again, he didn't focus his attention on me too much

I haven't heard back from him.

But now as things aren't working out with the other guy, I am thinking that I should perhaps contact this one.

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Yes, you have essentially answered your own question. Plus, you said you were also dating another guy and weren't thinking too much about this one. But now the other one has gone, you want to push ahead with your second option? You shouldn't have to try and force or explain to someone how to treat you when you first meet them. Yes there might be chemistry to an extent, but with several miscommunications and red flags already, don't go chasing this guy for attention. If he wants to ask you out again, he would. I have been in this situation far too many times than I care to count. And my ultimate lesson was to actually value myself enough and don't try to settle or change someone who is not willing to meet me half way. Be a lady of mystery and make him work for you. Don't go chasing. Hope this helps a bit. From my own experiences throughout my 20s.

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Unfortunately guy 1 sounds like too much work and never sounded too interested until you begged him to act more interested.

 

What happened with guy 2?

 

Oh Wiseman, the Guy 2.. I am not planning to see him again. But I didn't email him yet, as he's travelling. He hasn't been in touch either..

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It may be best to go with a new fresh guy 3. Sounds like even after only 3 dates with guy 1 there was too much drama, no?.

the Guy 2.. I am not planning to see him again. But I didn't email him yet, as he's travelling. He hasn't been in touch either..
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All I know is that when I have wanted a particular woman in the past, I didn't forget her, I made effort to know her and help her to know she can be comfortable with me, I'm wondering too what has stopped him, one of the greatest gifts in life for a man like me is spending time with a woman, being playful and sharing serious passionate moments, I'm wondering, is he dead or something ?

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It may be best to go with a new fresh guy 3. Sounds like even after only 3 dates with guy 1 there was too much drama, no?.

 

Yes, I think so too. I have a guy 3 and guy 4, and even guy 5. Dates lined up with all for this coming week. I might crush on guy 3.

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I'm not sure I'd want to take the time to see someone again who responded with "getting there" as far as whether the person was comfortable being around me. Dating is hard enough without having to get to a basic comfort level.

 

Interesting.. And may I ask, are you a male or female, just to understand who's the perspective coming from.. Getting there was meant to say holding hands with him, not just being around him.

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Interesting.. And may I ask, are you a male or female, just to understand who's the perspective coming from.. Getting there was meant to say holding hands with him, not just being around him.

 

Oh. I am a female and had a lot of experience meeting men through on line sites -met well over 100 men in person.

 

So, if you were not comfortable even holding hands with him he might have seen you as too much of a "project" and perhaps he wants someone who would have that comfort level so that he can focus on continuing to getting to know the person rather than worrying that holding hands might be overwhelming. It's better to know earlier on you don't click that way, of course.

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Oh. I am a female and had a lot of experience meeting men through on line sites -met well over 100 men in person.

 

So, if you were not comfortable even holding hands with him he might have seen you as too much of a "project" and perhaps he wants someone who would have that comfort level so that he can focus on continuing to getting to know the person rather than worrying that holding hands might be overwhelming. It's better to know earlier on you don't click that way, of course.

 

I think you are onto something here. Intuitively I feel that this is the right answer. Otherwise, why would he want to hold hands with me?

 

So, what I would do is to contact him, only if just to test my hypothesis, and see how it goes from there.

 

Did you learn a lot about meeting 100+ men in person? Did you glean any interesting insights that you want to share with us?

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I don't think he's interested. You can't make people "focus their attention" on you. It was just a date.

 

JaggerJim, he did get better after I had asked him to. The 3rd date was a marked improvement on the 1st and 2nd. But suppose you are right, if you are not interested, why do you accommodate the girl and change your behaviour to the way she wants? Why do you want to hold her hands? Why do you ask to walk her home?

 

My reading is that he was prepared to make an effort, and he did make some effort, but probably misunderstood it again that I wasn't really interested.

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You really needed for him to change his behaviour on his own accord. He probably did those things because he knew that was what you expected of him, and he just wanted the night to go smoothly so did what was expected.

 

I think in the end, he did not want to live up to your expectations and that was why you haven't heard from him again.

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I think you are onto something here. Intuitively I feel that this is the right answer. Otherwise, why would he want to hold hands with me?

 

So, what I would do is to contact him, only if just to test my hypothesis, and see how it goes from there.

 

Did you learn a lot about meeting 100+ men in person? Did you glean any interesting insights that you want to share with us?

 

Do I believe he wanted to unselfishly help you become more comfortable with him and be in a sexual relationship with him ? No.

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You really needed for him to change his behaviour on his own accord. He probably did those things because he knew that was what you expected of him, and he just wanted the night to go smoothly so did what was expected.

 

I think in the end, he did not want to live up to your expectations and that was why you haven't heard from him again.

 

Interesting how a male mind works! Gosh. Did what was expected of him, and resented it pretty much.

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You said his last text was him wishing you fun at your dance performance. And that was it, nothing since?

 

Did you respond to that text? If not, why not? Have you bothered to text him at all? Or do you just expect him to take all the initiative? If you like him, text him!

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Interesting how a male mind works! Gosh. Did what was expected of him, and resented it pretty much.

 

It's not just the male mind, and I don't think he resented it (not that you or any of us know of any way).

 

When you've done a lot of dating (especially online, especially just going on a few dates), you develop some type of a routine to assess if this person is someone you want to keep seeing or alternatively, decide that you don't gel and rather not waste any more of either of your time.

 

You shouldn't have to tell someone to modify their behaviour after only a few dates. This is the time to observe what they are actually like and if their personality / character / behaviour is not to your liking, such as being inattentive or talking all about himself and not asking you questions, then you make your decision whether to keep seeing them based on these observations. It's pointless telling them how you'd rather they behave. Because it's not genuine for them, it's not who they are. Even if they are willing to play along for a short period of time, they will revert back to who they are once you settle into a relationship (if it progresses to that). Then you're both wasting a whole lot more time dating someone incompatible.

 

He might have done what you wanted for one date, then realised this is not for him. He rather date a woman who doesn't mind him talking all about himself and not ask any question. Or it could be the "comfort" thing about holding hands. Or it could be... anything!

 

In early dating, both parties are observing and assessing the other, based on their own standards and life experiences, to see if there is potential for a long term relationship. So it could end for any reason, or without reason. It would be futile to try and guess why someone else did what they did (or rather, didn't do what they didn't do).

 

Try observe more of who someone is and not ask them to change who they are. All you can change is yourself (and your decision whether to date someone), not someone else. You have a better chance of finding someone that is just right for you by thinking along these lines rather than trying to fit a square peg into a round hole all the time.

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Do you only want to try dating this guy again because it didn't work out with the other guy?

 

In other words, if you were still dating the other guy would you want t date this guy?

 

Yes, I would have totally dated him together with the other guy. Not on the same days obviously.

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